Dreams End

Little girls dream of things like happy endings, happily ever afters.  We are taught this from a young age.  And even at my age, and after three divorces, one would think I'd give up on those silly notions.  While my ideals about what makes for happy ever after have shifted, I still want it, still want to build that future ... but I'm more easily pleased with the simpler things: sharing books and movies, a love of art, being content with a game of backgammon while sitting on the front porch, and of course talking. 

The reality of my life, however, is much different.  I have a house here, and a son who depends on me.  Am I finally where I'm supposed to be?  If so, then maybe its time to give up on that dream of happy ever after, and face what seems to be the truth:  I've had my marriages, and am meant to be alone now.  After all, I've been alone now since June 2004.  This summer will mark eight years of solitude, of having to do on my own, to make decisions about money and health issues on my own.  I'm certainly capable of doing, but its the nights that get to me.  Those long quiet nights where you can't sleep, or when you wake from a nightmare and there's no one to hold your hand, no one to talk to in the wee hours to get past the scary part. Maybe there comes a time in life where one gives up the old dreams... but we must always have a dream in our heart. 

"Keep your heart open to dreams. For as long as there's a dream, there is hope, and as long as there is hope, there is joy in living."

FireFly

Have you ever watched Firefly, the series?  It only lasted one season, and I confess, I didn't watch it when it aired in 2002.  I've only recently discovered it, and am thoroughly enjoying it.

While its somewhat futuristic with its flying space vehicle, there are moments when it looks like an old western, riding horses, fist fights.  The mix of old and new is very fascinating.  The characters are well written, and have a depth to them that is at times surprising.  There are nine people who live aboard this spaceship called Serenity, and each of them sees life through different eyes.  The Captain, Malcolm Reynolds, is sort of the father figure, and there's a feeling of familial in the episodes.  Joss Whedon's creation can be action packed and fast paced, while also interspersed with moments of tender emotions as these nine people figure out life and love for themselves.


I just watched an episode called "Heart of Gold", an involved story line.  But the focus for me was the relationship between Inara and Captain Mal.  Inara is a very beautiful "companion" of the times, but has very deep feelings for Mal.  When Mal stays overnight with a friend of Inara's, the next morning she puts on a brave face and tells Mal its ok.  But in the next scene, you find her sitting on the floor, curled up, trying to stifle her tears, unsuccessfully.  In the end of the episode, she tells a lot of truth here:

"I learned something from Mandy.... the family she made, the strength of her love for them is what kept them together.  When you live with that kind of strength, you get tied to it, you can't break away, you never want to."

After she gives him this speech, she tells him "I'm going to do something I should have done a long time ago. I'm leaving."  And with that, she turns and walks away.

This episode made me sad, a bit moody, and got me wondering about my own choices.  When do you decide its time to walk away?  With ex husbands, its easy if there's something they do that isn't tolerable.  But how do you know when its time to cut losses and walk?  Saying goodbye to someone, or something, is the hardest thing to do.  I watched as Inara walked away from Mal, and now I'm left wondering if he went after her? did she ever come back to him? 

I recommend you borrow this dvd from your local library, give it a try !