Full Moon, 10/31

Happy Halloween!

I Will Wait

I will wait for you

Mumford and Sons is an English folk rock band.  I don't know about you, but I really like this song!

Raise my hands
Paint my spirit gold
And bow my head
Keep my heart slow
Cause I will wait, I will wait for you

New Bedspread

When I moved to Arizona 4.5 years ago, my parents thought it was time I stopped sleeping in a twin bed, and bought me a queen mattress.  My aunt was going to get rid of some queen bedding, so gave it to me.  And I just never got around to getting something that I liked, that suited me.  Until now.   

About six months ago, I found this at JCPenney, and wanted it.  But for this or that reason, I didn't want to spend the money.  I checked about a week ago, and it was on clearance!  




 
The colors are perfect, 
and I love the detail 
of the quilted pattern.

Not too frilly, and not overly feminine,
which suits me just fine! 

Sandy

My thoughts and prayers 

go out to those on the East Coast 

near hurricane Sandy -- 

-- be safe!

I have a friend who's out there for the next few weeks inspecting damages ...
David:  Be safe, let me know things are OK :)

He's not into you...

I sat down to watch a movie this afternoon:  He's just not that into you....  a movie that came out in 2009.  It tries to decipher the dynamics of relationships of single adults.  It's a confusing world when you're single ... all the signals you try to interpret from the opposite sex.  Will he call when he says "I'll call you..." or "We should do this again soon."  What do they really mean?  Should a woman wait for a man to call?  Should she call?

There are some very typical scenes that don't make it any easier to figure out which is which.  Does a man really mean it when he says "good to hear from you" ?  One male character kept repeating:  "if a guy wants to date you, he will make it happen."  Really?

Why are women so intent on building up in their minds a relationship from the things they hear men say?  Are we programmed from a young age to think this way?  Or is it part of our makeup that makes us want to mate, to procreate?  Why are men so obtuse when it comes to relationships?  Is there something threatening about being in a relationship?  Maybe they think someone else who's better will come along, so they don't want to settle?


There doesn't seem to be any real point after watching this.  Women have been confusing issues since the dawn of time, and men haven't been calling women back just as long. 

One married couple -- they don't have sex lately.  He finds himself attracted to another woman, they have sex.  Deciding to try to 'jumpstart' their romance, the wife finds him at the office, and slips off her coat.  Underneath, she has on a corset and stockings.  The other part of this:  hiding in the office closet is the woman he's having an affair with.   While its a little comical, its also very sad.  And of course the 'other woman' calls him a pig and storms out. 

Relationships aren't easy. 
Why do we make it so difficult?
Can't we be honest and say what we think, what we want,
and then be happy with the one we love?

If you're searching for answers, this isn't the movie to watch. 
If you're searching for comedy, not this either.
If you're single -- this could be mildly depressing!!

There are proverbial happy endings... but beware: every relationship cliche is included in this movie!

Just Stuff....

I haven't really blogged about regular stuff in a while.... its been a very busy week and I've not been very attentive to my stuffs on the computer.  Work has been going OK, although there is too much work that needs to be done and my help, Elvis, isn't near as fast as he should be.   Which means that my days working alone are spent doing so much catch up work that its not funny.

In the meantime, some history first.  About 18 months ago, Elvis had a run-in with our store manager, and he was terminated.  He fought the termination by going to the store manager's boss and telling his version of events.  Obviously he was reinstated, but that wasn't enough for him.  Since that time, he has gone higher and higher up the chain of command, even going so far as hiring an attorney.  For some reason, he has it in his head he's going to be a manager, so on the advice of his attorney, he has applied for the assistant manager program.  Every now and then he gives me blurbs and updates, and let me tell you, it makes me nervous working around him.  Who knows what he'll be telling or what he logs down when he gets home.  Because I'm certainly certain that he does just that.  And in any working environment, there are always grey areas that most don't acknowledge -- with the caveat that "the less I know the better" attitude.  (I'm sure its that way in more places than just retail...)  But when you work in very close quarters with someone like this, its too easy for them to see the in's and out's, and frankly, some of the things I need to do are done when he's not there.  Just for my own protection, because his own versions of events are only his interpretations.  Can't be getting in trouble for those kinds of things.  Anyways, just me venting about an issue that I can't control, but makes me uncomfortable. 

Last weekend I spent with my granddaughter;  I enjoyed it alot, but ... lol there's always a 'but...' :)  Spending time with an active 10 year old can be rather draining.  In addition, I had my own pup along with her dog, Fergie.  *sigh*  What a handful that was!  Someone always needing attention, and weekends for me need to be a way to recharge my own batteries. 

Speaking of recharging... taking a break in the sun to finish my book, The Glass Castle.  Its a memoir of a woman who was raised by two well meaning but rather incompetent parents (by today's standards).  While the kids turned out relatively well  as adults, there were moments where I was shaking my head in disbelief that people were raising their kids this way.  It made me realize that, one, I had a very idyllic childhood, the stuff "Leave it to Beaver" was made of.  There was always clothes and food.  We never went hungry for days, or without electricity, or running water.  Our cars didn't break down so that we had to abandon all our belongings and start over.  You get the idea.  If you have a chance, try reading it; it sure puts things into perspective. 

The rest of my week has been spent trying to be helpful and supportive to a good friend who's going through some rough patches.  I'm glad I can be of help .... but I worry that my help isn't enough of a help.  But sometimes just being there, for them knowing that I'm here to listen, support, and drive the 'get away car' if need be!  (... and frankly, it may come down to that...)  Just say the word .....  HUGS

I won't let go

It hurts my heart when you hurt
I know it's dark, this part of life  
it finds us all  
And we're too small to stop the rain  
but when it rains
 
I will stand by you  
I will help you through  
When you've done all you can do  
And you can't cope
 
I will dry your eyes 
I will fight your fight  
I will hold you tight  
And I won't let you fall
 
Don't be afraid to fall  
I'm right here to catch you  
I won't let you down

~Just a few lyrics from a country song that to me is very moving.

Sometimes we all need to know there's someone standing with us

when times seem bleak, or we're overwhelmed with things that 

are bigger than we expected.  Dedicated to my special friend.
I'm here for you.  HUGS!!  (You can Listen here if you want)

Always gonna be...

Always gonna be you that I love.

Hole in the Rock

Hole-in-the-Rock is a series of openings eroded in a small hill composed of bare red arkosic conglomerate sandstone.  The sandstone was first formed some 6-15 million years ago, which has long since eroded away, leaving what looks like petrified mud cakes. The tafoni are thought to have been eroded by water. An open, shelter-like chamber in the face of the formation communicates with the rear of the formation via a hole eroded completely through the rock.

We climbed up and into the largest hole.  You can see a very large portion of west Phoenix from this vantage point.  Its a beautiful place to watch a sunset from! 

Brianna and Brian standing inside the 'hole'.

The Peach Keeper

The Peach Keeper by  Sarah Addison Allen

A house is renovated, secrets are unearthed and the importance of women standing together is proven across generations.  This is a good story that grabs your attention as you wonder what the secrets are, and how they turn out.  A women's club formed for women to help each other out decades ago celebrates its 75th anniversary with a party -- along with revelations about the reasons behind the club. 

Some of my fav quotes from the book:

"Every life needs a little space.  It leaves room for good things to enter it." 

"Because we're connected, as women.  If there's trouble, we all know it.  But most of the time we're just too scared or selfish or insecure to help.  But if we don't help each other, who will?"

"Find what makes you happy."  


"We are who we are.  It's surprising how little say we have in it.  Once you accept that, the rest is easy."

"Happiness is a risk; if you're not a little scared, then you're not doing it right." 

"How people choose to live their lives, and who they fall in love with, should never have to be defended."



Some of the little tidbits of distraction include phrases such as this:

"Her grandmother used to say the air around you will turn white when things are about to change.  It gave her pause as she watched Colin."

There's a bell over a shop door that rings with no one there -- ghosts?  "She didn't believe in ghosts or superstitions or bells that could ring on their own.  But she did believe in love.  She believed that it could change the course of your life."

The book keeps a good pace, with just enough details that make you feel you're there.  The characters are rich.  Not a long read, but thoroughly enjoyable!

Easy livin'

What is it about sitting around a campfire, the smell, the logs snapping and crackling, the embers glowing a deep red.  We roasted hot dogs on sticks over the fire, they taste SO much better that way!  For dessert we had s'mores - graham crackers, hershey bar and a toasted marshmallow squished between the layers.  I'll be sticky for days!  :)  And the romantic heart of my 10 yr old granddaughter had her grabbing my acoustic guitar and playing a few songs around the campfire.  We tried singing along, and had a good time. :) 

Life should always be this easy!

Astronomy

Today is National Astronomy Day!  It gives astronomy-lovers a chance to share their passion with the astronomy-curious.  There are two Astronomy Days a year, spring and fall.  If you have a chance, its a perfect opportunity to check out the views of the heavens!!  

In our local park, the observatory was open and we got to see the telescope -- impressive!  We looked at the sun and yep!  It's a big yellow ball. lol 


 



The Gilbert Rotary Centennial Observatory has provided heavenly views to an estimated 50,000 visitors since 2006.  "There's really nothing else like it in the Valley," said Lisa Herrmann, the education coordinator for the preserve.

"The observatory houses a 16-inch diameter Meade, modified Richey-Cretien scope, guided by a Paramount ME computer controlled German equatorial mount slaved to The Sky professional computer program. SRP contributed all funding for this state-of-the-art scope"

Herrmann said that "adults and children alike seem drawn to astronomy.   We are always trying to understand where we are in the universe and what is going on around us. There are so many exciting things left to be discovered."

iChing and dreams

48. The Well

Line 6:

The well receives.
Do not cover it,
have trust.
It is a source of good fortune.

Someone (or something) who is used to providing now needs to take in. Like a teacher who now needs to listen and learn, someone who usually nurtures who now needs to be nurtured, or a giver who needs to receive. There may be a tendency to resist this, but it shouldn't be resisted. Trusting that things will be all right if one lets this, will allow for replenishment of the source.


Overview: Ching is a reminder that even though everything around us is constantly changing the soul needs constant nourishing and this need does not change. It is a time to ensure that the nourishment needed for body, mind and soul remains available and untainted. Ching also emphasizes that you have a responsibility to help provide this nourishment for those who cannot provide it for themselves.

Love: Nourish the soul to help sustain your relationship.

 Changing to 57:

 Overview: Sun is all about the need to be persistent and gentle in your actions. It does not mean that your plans will be unsuccessful because you are proceeding gently rather than forcefully. Unceasing gentleness, not aggressiveness is the key to progress and success. Persuasion and the birth of trust will be far more enduring than threats and coercion. It is a time to allow your thoughts and ideas to permeate the minds of those you are dealing with at their own speed. Be gently persistent in your approach and you will be successful. Adapt to each situation as required. Don't mistake gentleness for docility and don't allow gentleness to become weakness.

General: Although rapid change may be effected by force, enduring change is best effected by gentle persistence.
Love: Patient, thoughtful, and thorough action is the best way to develop trust in your relationship.


~~~
After seeing this iChing the other day, that night I had a dream where I parked my car in a parking lot and had to walk up a dark tree lined street, with the light of streetlamps shining through the leaves.  The street dips down, crosses over a creek, seems to go on for miles.  I was meeting a friend in a building for what I think was going to be a concert, or lecture, or maybe it was a museum?  None of that struck me as weird.  The weird part was that I parked the car and walked that long path three times.   When I woke up, I got the impression that I was "repeating steps in my life". 

Wonder what it all means?

Ditto!

Today, when I had a little down time, I watched Ghost.  A very good movie, makes you believe in things that we often can't get our minds to even consider ... Funny how we close our minds off to things that we're told are impossible - and lose our childlike wonder at things that shouldn't need to be explained away.

Sam and Molly are a loving couple.  Sam gets murdered in a fake mugging, and only Oda Mae Brown can hear Sam from the 'other side'.  To convince Molly that he's really around and watching over her, Oda Mae blurts out "Ditto" -- something Sam always said back to Molly when she tells him "I love you -- Ditto".

So I ask you .... Do You believe in Ghosts?

Long Weekend, pt-1

So my "girls" arrived late Thursday evening, and we were having a campfire.  It's always good to see them, but ... they're young, stay up too late for me! hahaha  I finally had to head for bed at 10pm -- because this old Gal gets up much too early!   Not sure when they headed to bed, but the dogs were up and raring to go at 530am of course!

After the usual morning routine, I pulled on my tennies and took both dogs for a walk around the block.  The sun was just coming up, so it was joyful, the birds were singing.  Mornings are beautiful!!

  Baby Duck on the Pond!                 

We managed to get everyone up and started on the day.  Not sure how the weekend will go, my granddaughter likes pop music -- turned up loud!  I'm ok with some loud music --- MY music. lol  I'm thinking we're all that way now and then.


Dropped my daughter at the airport, and 10am, the granddaughter is hungry for lunch -- after having Reese's Puffs cereal  (She sent me a txt and requested I have that on hand for her! lol)  I decided to take her to Red Mountain Park for a walk around the park - anything to occupy some of her time.






Then we stopped at Lowe's for some flowers and cactus to plant.  Again -- something to occupy time *grin*


We had to stop for lunch at Subway after all that (It's only 11am by now hahaha) and that girl knows how to order!   Its quite apparent that this wasn't her first time there.  lol 

Camp Fire

It's Thursday, and I have the day off tomorrow.  So rather than spend time sitting at my computer, I ventured into the backyard and built a fire in the fire pit!  My daughter and granddaughter are coming up; lucky me! I am watching my granddaughter for the weekend :) 

When they arrived, the fire was going good, and we toasted a few marshmallows as we sat around gabbing. 



Here's Sadie sitting on my lap and watching the fire --

What is it about a campfire?  Watching the flames lick the pieces of wood, the embers glowing and seeming to pulse.  What draws us to a fire?  Maybe its something as simple as a circle of people sitting around something that doesn't make noise, and you end up talking and sharing stories, conversing for a change.  There are magic moments around a campfire, about the way the fire creates a small circle of light and everyone sits within it.  The way a fire warms up the space; even when its hot here in the Valley, a fire still feels magical :) 

If you have a chance, sit around a campfire ... it's wonderful :)

Sun is Shinin'...

Today the sun is shinin’ on me
Sitting with my feet in the breeze
Ain’t sweating the little things
And who knows what tomorrow is gonna bring
But today, the sun is shinin’ on me  (listen here ...)
      (-- new single by Jerrod Neimann)





That's about how I'm feeling at the moment -- other than being very, very tired.  I got a lot accomplished in the last 3 days at work, and that always makes me happy.   After work, I grabbed me a Starbuck's Strawberry Lemonade Refresher.  12 oz, 60 calories, very tasty, and seems to jolt my energy.  By the time I got home, I was ready to do some replanting of my cactus and putter in the yard.  The sun was shinin' on me, good tunes on the radio -- makes you think life doesn't get any better than this :)

Sometimes its the knowing that a huge project is finished that makes us feel good about what we do. Well.  As good as our jobs can make us feel :) :)

Old Friends

 
What a day!  I got me some tired feet ..... 10+ hour day because of a big project -- getting ready for the holidays, of course.  Its a huge sigh of relief to be sitting down.  And frankly to be doing nothing else.  

Checked emails and answered a couple of nice notes from admirers for some photos. Chatted for a bit with old friends --- isn't it always nice to catch up again??  :)  

A good friend is a connection to life - 

a tie to the past, a road to the future, 

the key to sanity in a totally insane world.  

~Lois Wyse

70s Rock!

Every once in a while, I'll be cruising through my day and a song from the 70s will pop into my head.  This was the one that did about 4am .... so I looked it up, just had to share. 

Lou Rawls, 1933-2006, was known for his smooth vocal style.  Frank Sinatra once said that Rawls had "the classiest singing and silkiest chops in the singing game".  He was a recording artist, voice actor, songwriter, and record producer.  He was also very active in charity work, and was known very well for singing the Star Spangled Banner many times at sporting events spanning 28 years.

Just a few...

Our government is wasteful.  My son is visually impaired, and as such doesn't work.   He receives a small income from SSI ($540/mo) which isn't enough to live on.  And I was applying for him to receive health insurance.  According to my understanding, if he is on SSI, there's an agreement between the fed and the state, and he automatically qualifies.  (I found this out later; silly me, I just filled out the confusing, difficult forms I was asked to fill out.)

Fill out form; get letter asking for proof documents; send those off; claim denied; send in hearing request; get phone call saying they denied claim for wrong reason; send deny hearing request form; 2 more phone calls; receive letter for hearing; 2 more phone calls; receive health cards in mail (via Ohio address lol); another phone call; 2 more envelopes in mail today re: cancelling hearing.  *sigh*  I feel like I've been spun in circles.  All I am trying to do is help my son get set up and financially able to live on his own as an adult.  I won't always be here, ya know :P   And now I'm not sure which end is up.  My friend Helen used to work for CPS, so maybe she can read between the govt geek terms.  But all this mail, and time, and phone calls -- for just one person.  How many more times is that repeated for others????  Waste! Waste! Waste!

Today, I went to the eye doctor because my Rx for glasses is ... a few years old.  So far, she says I don't need glasses for driving-- yet.  But that I've "... had a few birthdays..."  since getting my last eye exam.  LOL  is that her way of saying I'm getting old???  lol's  As a secondary note, she's the best eye doc I've seen, very thorough and explains things.  :)

An easy relaxing day, as far as Sundays go.  Laundry done, grocery shopping completed, and spent a little time in the back yard as well.  Much as I enjoy getting busy and doing yardwork, I just didn't have it in me today.

I'm still learning how to get through my days without being in constant contact.  Each day gets easier ... until there's something I want to share, and I remember that there isn't someone to share it with any longer.  I'll adjust, I know.  In the meantime, I make it a point to write in a journal.  That helps a lot. :)

Note:  This was Sunday evening's post, that never was posted due to some weird blogger issues. 

Let Go!

“The mental and physical space 

we create by letting go of things 

that belong in the our past 

gives us the option 

to fill the space 

with something new.” 

~ Susan Fay West

 “If you let go a little, you will have a little peace. 

If you let go a lot, you will have a lot of peace.” 

~ Ajahn Chah

It seems like I talk a lot about letting go.  I think we all have some issues with it, whether we like our 'stuff' or something else we have trouble letting go of.  I could easily count four or five things myself that I haven't been able to let go of.  Back when I first moved to Arizona, I had trouble letting go of things I used often in Ohio -- and don't need here.  Today's fine example:  Blankets.  When temps regularly drop in the teens and 20s in Ohio, they never do here in Arizona!  So why hang on to all those blankets???  And yet, I do.  Silly, I know.

One thing I've noticed:  If you clean out a drawer, a closet, a room, life becomes less cluttered.  But it also makes room for new things to happen, new things to come into your life, and maybe even creates new found time in your busy schedule, if that's what you're needing. 

The other thing we hold on to more than our 'stuff' is our past.  Our past is memories, it shouldn't be what defines us in the here and now.  Take me, for example... I've been married three times - yep, three times.  And I have moments where I used to let it get to me, thinking others would judge me based on that.  And maybe the small minded ones do- that's their problem, not mine.  If we let it, our past will define us right into a corner, and then we're stuck.  Let Go!  If you're like me, symbolism works well.  Write "the past" on a balloon filled with helium, and let it go, be free of your past.   Life is meant to be lived, and its much too short to spend it being unhappy, stuck, or living a life you don't want.   Let Go, make room for something new!

New 'Do!

short, swingin' and sassy!

iChing

This evening's iChing -- and no changing lines.

1.  Sunrise.
A foundation for progress.
It is beneficial to persist.

There is creative power, inspiration, or an idea, looking to become manifest. There may as yet be no direct road for realization, though. Persistence is necessary to realize it.



Love: You need to behave in a compassionate fashion towards your partner.
Personal: You need to take time out to relax and enjoy life more.
 
And I can't help but wonder what its supposed to mean for me.  Obviously, I need to be working on my creative side, those sorts of things, with persistence.  The word sunrise itself ... maybe I'm supposed to get up early and head out :)  I'm usually up, I love to watch the sun rise in the sky.

And on a completely different topic:
I was telling my imaginary best friend today about some things that I've noticed about me and how things are -- and aren't.   How I had a good day, and wanted to share.  Have you ever noticed that sometimes sharing an event with one person isn't the same as sharing it with someone else?  Or how you share something because you learned from it, and they don't take your advice?  one of my points to someone was that while I might have the opportunity to tell, share, or explain what I know, but  its not my job to decide for them.  Lots of truth in that statement.  Because frankly, you can tell someone something, and if they don't take your suggestions, you want to slap them and say WTF is wrong with you???  You have choices, why stay stuck in the same rut you're in?????  That's not living, that's shackled.   *jumps off her soapbox*

Have a great weekend, everyone :)

A Strong Woman

Time to grab myself up by my bootstraps, and get on with life, 

go back to being the Strong Woman that I can be.  

To do things I haven't done before, 

to step out, reach out, and do my own thing.

Being strong and independent isn't always easy.  

Sometimes its very lonely.  

But it has its own rewards.  

I don't answer to anyone, come and go as I please.

But the one thing a Strong Woman knows is when to choose to hang on, and when to let go.
She knows that she can still have her feelings and let them simmer in the background.
She knows she doesn't have to act on them, and knows they won't interrupt her life.
She chooses wisely when the time comes for romance in her life again.
She doesn't forget that she has needs, and she takes care of herself.
A Strong Woman knows that her day in the sun will come, and bides her time patiently.

and I am a Strong Woman. 
It's Time.  
My Time.

Where's Mine?

I used to see some couple together and think "someday" would come, 

and I could be happy with 'my man' just like them.  

Yesterday I saw a cute couple shopping, 

and knew that 'someday' wasn't gonna happen.

Undo it

Now I only have myself to blame 
For falling for your stupid games.....

You stole my happy,  you made me cry 
Took the lonely,  and took me for a ride  
And I wanna uh.uh.uh.uh. undo it 
You had my heart,  now I want it back......

... sings Carrie Underwood

I had a very lonely day.  And I heard this song on the radio.   And it got me thinking about regrets ...  do I have regrets?  I don't think so ....  well, maybe a little bit.   But the first line, blaming myself ......   I blame myself a lot.   Because I allowed myself to fall in love  with someone I didn't know.  

So I guess the question is:  Do I love 'him'??  Or the man who lives in my imagination?  I call my imaginary friend "Michael" - He's smart, funny, a thinker.  He knows quite a bit about a lot of different things.  He ponders the world and life and our reasons for being here.  He listens, asks questions, and cares.  More than that, my Michael loves me, wants the best for me, and wants to be with me.

But sadly, Michael only lives in my imagination....
I wonder if there are any "real" Michaels out there??

Let Go

Some days, some moments are so difficult.  There's an empty space in my heart, in my life, that he fit into.  And while I do ok with filling the spaces during the day, its the evenings that are the hardest.  I have a puppy who fills the time with trips in and out, around the block, play with toys, repeat and repeat again.  lol  But it doesn't replace that "best friend" quality.  I'm slow to let go, never wanting to hurt another's feelings in any way.  Even when I was going through difficulties when my marriages ended, I always tried to stay, to see if it was able to be worked out.    Sometimes, you just have to let go. 

Be Strong

I have friends who tell me how strong I am -- but its only because I keep the difficult stuff, the things that make me vulnerable, inside.  But I'll confess that I ~do~ give in, to not be strong.  But never when anyone is around. 

When I am focused on my job, I can forget my sadness, my depression.  So the days aren't too difficult as long as I'm working.  But I find myself checking my phone, hoping for - and dreading - messages from him.  My hopes keep saying he'll message me because he wants me.  (but his actions speak louder than words -- he doesn't).  And dreading, because I know that I'm weak when it comes to him, and I'll answer back.  I almost always do.   Even when I'm at the gym walking, pedaling, lifting every weight, I can push those thoughts to the back of my mind.  But its temporary.

Its when I get in my car that I feel I can let go of my tenuous control.  Its when I let myself cry for all the lost time; for all the hopes that are gone; for all the dreams that will never come true; that's when I let myself get loud, to let out some of the anger.  I say them out loud so that I really feel them:  "How selfish of you to waste eight years -- when you knew it would never be!" or "All that talk about making changes that never happened.  I know they never will."  and all the BS about helping each other "get through whatever it is we're getting through".  fuck that!   Life isn't something to get through -- like an algebra exam.  Life is to be lived, and hopefully loved throughout. 

Eleanor Roosevelt said:   “The purpose of life is to live it, to taste experience to the utmost, to reach out eagerly and without fear for newer and richer experience.”

Ralph Waldo Emerson said:   “Life is a journey, not a destination.”

but the one I liked best is this one: 

“Live today. Not yesterday. Not tomorrow. Just today. Inhabit your moments. Don’t rent them out to tomorrow. Do you know what you’re doing when you spend a moment wondering how things are going to turn out?

You’re cheating yourself out of today. Today is calling to you, trying to get your attention, but you’re stuck on tomorrow, and today trickles away like water down a drain. You wake up the next morning and that today you wasted is gone forever. It’s now yesterday. Some of those moments may have had wonderful things in store for you , but now you’ll never know.”  ~Jerry Spinelli, Love, Stargirl

When I think about the years that have wasted past me, I sometimes get angry.  I realize that in a sense they weren't wasted, because each of the things I accomplished in those years were important.  But what I get angry about is the fact that he knew from the start that "this", that "us",  would never happen.  And I didn't get a choice in the matter. 

Turn it UP!

My temperature rises....
my skin prickles....
my breathing is labored...
my legs get shaky......

And all I did was go to the gym!!  

It's time to start my training routine again.  By the way, that's my "fix-it" for today on depression as well.  Get your heart pumping, even if you don't want to.  After the first few minutes, you won't think its so bad, so keep going.  I did.  For 30 mins on the elliptical, then 30 mins of weight training.  My muscles will be a little sore tomorrow, but my mood was elevated by the chemical releases as I exercised. Of course, the mp3 player with 80s rock in my ears helped a little bit too!  My fav song to get me in the mood?  Autograph's song "Turn Up the Radio".  (listen here)  [hehehe my feet are tapping already... and its bedtime!]

That's my Go To for today, along with the advice that you have to make changes, both physical and mental, to get past the rough spots.  If I can do it, so can you!

High School

Wilcox High School
is undergoing some
major renovations.

On my recent trip,
I shot a few pix...

This was the front office

These are the doors
to the cafeteria
(they haven't changed!)

And this little hallway
near the boy's locker
(hehehe)
hasn't changed either.

Just seeing it brought back
so many memories .....
most of them good ones!

The RockHound

The Earth is made of rock, from the tallest mountains to the floor of the deepest ocean. Thousands of different types of rocks and minerals have been found on Earth. Most rocks at the Earth's surface are formed from only eight elements (oxygen, silicon, aluminum, iron, magnesium, calcium, potassium, and sodium), but these elements are combined in a number of ways to make rocks that are very different.

Rocks are continually changing. Wind and water wear them down and carry bits of rock away; the tiny particles accumulate in a lake or ocean and harden into rock again. The oldest rock that has ever been found is more than 3.9 billion years old. The Earth itself is at least 4.5 billion years old, but rocks from the beginning of Earth's history have changed so much from their original form that they have become new kinds of rock. By studying how rocks form and change, scientists have built a solid understanding of the Earth we live on and its long history.

Why rocks?  Well, I've always considered myself a rock collector, a RockHound.  I don't do it to study the types of rocks, what they're made of, or where they're from.  I just like rocks that have a good shape, an interesting look, something special about where they're from.  I found out on vacation that my Uncle Jim felt the same way:  He liked rocks too!

One of my "must see" places on vacation was the beach.  And my beach of choice is Natural Bridges State Beach.  As we were driving there, I was telling my aunt that I had been cleaning out a drawer, and happened to find a picture of her and my uncle at that very beach, in 1993.  Once we got to the beach, I went my own way, my mom and aunt went theirs.  I was off taking pictures, I'm sure they were off talking as they walked along.

After getting my fill of pictures, I looked around for them, and didn't see them, so I started back to the car.  As I walked along in the sand, a rock presented itself, and something said "pick it up"  (the one on the left).  I slid it into my pocket, and walked to the top of the hill, finding 'the girls' there.  First thing Mom says is "look what I found..." and pulled a rock out of her pocket.  She said it was nowhere near any other rocks, and looked like it had just put itself in their path.  I chuckled, and showed her my own rock and said I had the same story.  We all laughed, knowing that Jim was there, prompting us.  Because that's how Jim was. 

A year has gone by without him in our lives, and he is missed.  But there's something special in knowing that he's there, watching over us.  And yes, I kept both rocks, they're here in AZ with the rest of my special rocks. Uncle Jim, you are loved, we all miss you a lot.  Thanks for the rocks!!

Quick Fix-It

Depressed?  Out of Sorts? 
Has your Get-up-and-go got up and went?
Yeah, I know the feeling.

I have been in the midst of fighting this for a while now.  Sometimes I'm more successful than others.  We all have those kinds of days.  Saturday was the worst day for me in a long, long time.  And while I don't have answers for everyone, I can only share what helps me.  Not wanting to let another day pass me by without getting anything accomplished, I took little steps.  The one thing I knew needed to be done was my laundry.  After vacation, its easy to get behind in that, especially when you come home on a Monday and have to work the entire week.  So I set that as a very small goal:  2 loads of laundry; and I got it done.  Having one small accomplishment makes it easier to take the next step.

The one thing that's really clear when you do any kind of research about depression is that most of us forget to take care of ourselves.  We find ourselves so overwhelmed with life and the details of getting through a day, or taking care of others, that we forget that we are important too. 

One of the things I read about mild depression is that eating is a part of it.  Well, I did my share;  with no regard to calories, I let myself indulge in whatever struck my fancy when it came to foods.  I also read that flax seed can help, because of the essential oils in it that helps the brain.  I  might consider looking at that when I shop.

What's my antidote for today?  A shower.  The long kind where you take extra pains with our care.  I shaved, then used a puffyscrub with my fav smelly soap and lathered up all over, head to toe.  Just the smell of something familiar adds a few feel-good vibes.  Washing your hair can feel good too.  Take a few extra minutes to massage your scalp.  Run the water just a little hotter than usual.  When you're done and toweled off, slather on some lotion.  Your skin will thank you.  And its funny, your brain knows you're doing things to take care of YOU and that goes a long way.  But don't stop there.  Fix your hair.  Blow it dry.  Curl it if you're so inclined.  and DO NOT climb into that favorite sweatpants/tshirt outfit.  Put on real clothes. 

I slid into my jeans, one of my new shirts (that isn't navy, and part of my daily "uniform" for work); I even went so far as to put on shoes and socks.  Doing something that's part of your daily routine when you "have to" can change your mindset about getting up and about, off the bed, out of your chair. 

Yes, I know this is no cure for depression. 
It won't make your troubles disappear. 
But maybe it will help them seem a little more manageable. 

And don't forget to smile, even when you don't feel like it.

PS:  Later, I'll probably write in my journal, because that is my personal 'go-to' solution to help make sense of nonsensical thoughts.

Natural Bridges

Here's a picture I found in my archives
In January, 1980, this bridge fell down.

This is how it looks now, 32 years later.

City Library

Bronze statue of children playing

City Library stacks... my fav place!

Lots of open spaces and light

in the city's new library

I used to be ...

I used to be ..... your first text every morning, your last text every night

I used to be ..... the one you chatted with for hours every weekend

I used to be ..... the one who thought you were special

I used to be ..... the one who wanted us to be forever

Well, i started this off thinking there would be some kind of poetry in those phrases.  But they're just sad statements, and there's nothing to lead into.  After all that, and then "the confession", I  became "the other woman"  - not by choice.  And truthfully, I should be angry as hell.  but how do you get angry with someone you care about?  Maybe pity, feel sorry for a man who has a life that isn't a real life at all.  Maybe toss in pathetic - quit whining about life and like Helen says "Shit. Or get off the pot."  Life is meant to be lived. Or maybe its all been bullshit - and all I am is 'just another girl'

Another time ... Another place ...
Another girl ... Another face ...

She wanted something else,

something different, something more.

Passion and romance,

or maybe quiet conversations in candlelit rooms,

or perhaps something as simple as not being second.

That's all she wanted.

Is that too much to ask?

I know I will never stop caring; I know that I would like to stay friends. 

But. I am having trouble letting go of the feelings I should never have for him.

The last three days have been very rough, I am not sleeping well, 

and all I want to do nothing at all.  I spent yesterday laying around all day,

and wondering things that are none of my business.

Today, I am forcing myself to keep busy, but its busy work.  

Maybe that's the best thing -- keep busy and forget. 

Bridges

It was a beautiful day when we left the Bay Area, and I was on the correct side of the plane to snap off a few shots of the bridges !!! 

 Dumbarton Bridge

Bay Bridge

Golden Gate Bridge

Wish I had time to visit this one when I was there but the City was a madhouse with events that weekend.  Maybe next time!  February perhaps :)

What. A. Week.

I think I need a vacation from my vacation.  Too tired and totally stressed out has been my entire week.  And when I feel that way, nothing seems to go right.  Or maybe its "Murphys Law".  Or the pull of the moon.  Like they say:  "When it rains, it pours."  And I don't have someone I can lean on when 'shit' happens.

My son is visually impaired, and receives a small income from Social Security.  And now that's been reduced by $160/month because we moved.  (No explanations from them as of yet).

I've been trying to get him the state's medical insurance -- they denied his claim, and I filed for a hearing.  They called me a week later saying they denied it for the wrong reasons, said he's on SSI so he's covered, and asked me to sign a release to deny the hearing.  Which I did because I assumed......  *sigh*  This week in the mail?? Another form for a hearing on Oct 30th because his benefits were denied.  Of course, thank goodness I kept all the old forms.  The only thing I didn't keep was a copy of the release that was signed.  Working with the govt and their forms and red tape sure isn't a fun process.  All I want to do is get him set up so that if something happens to me, or when I'm gone, he'll be ok, ya know?

My pup was spayed, and she's been really needy this week as well.  Maybe she's having "abandonment issues" because I left her for five days *laughs* ok, maybe not, but ... pugs are people dogs, and needy already.  Add all this and man, I have this one glued to my side whenever I'm home. 

when it rains, it pours.
What else can happen?

Friday night, didn't sleep. It's been cooling off, so I decided to open all the windows and turn off the AC.  Bad idea!  Every little noise and she's awake, barking, roaming, etc.  I went to bed at 10pm.  awake at midnight.  Again at 2, 3:30 and 4. Then 5 and 6.  Finally I got up, closed the windows, the drapes, and settled in for an hour's nap.  And then the sun's up and she's rip roaring to go.  Its only 930am and I'm exhausted.   We've been outside, had our breakfast, been outside some more.  Can you say TIIIRED?  lol maaaan.

'nuff said...

Baaaaaa-con!

For years, I didn't eat bacon.  Being a child of the 70s, somewhere in the late 80s or early 90s, there was a wave of things we shouldn't eat, bacon being one of them.  Well.  Baloney on that.  Bacon is delish!  Yeah, yeah, I looked up the nutritional value -- and while there may be only 30-60 calories in a slice (depending on cut and thickness), its about 65-70% fat, no carbs in bacon, its protein.  But no matter the nutrition, it also adds lots of flavor to things.  

One of the things I love to make on a Sunday afternoon are bacon wrapped potatoes.  Quarter a raw potato and wrap each quarter with a slice of bacon.  Bake 40-50 mins.  Sprinkle with parmesan cheese when done.  (or some shredded cheddar cheese, etc, the possibilities are endless) ... Soooo tasty!  Frankly, I make the whole pound of bacon, and toss in a few extra quarters that are unwrapped, and I have 'taters for more than one meal!  They keep well in the fridge for about 3-4 days. 

But today's blog was inspired by my friend Helen.
Today, she brought in "chocolate covered bacon" --
 strips of bacon dipped in chocolate. 
Whoever dreamed up that idea.....  Thank you! 
One of my fav indulgences!! 

I always keep some real bacon bits in the fridge, sprinkle them on salads, add a spoon when making green beans --- bacon adds so much flavor.  And life is too short to live without flavor!

Santa Cruz

Nothing says California
like a trip to
Santa Cruz Beach Boardwalk!

The rides weren't open
but it was still fun to be there
and see it all again.

(The last time I was here....
was May 1998 ....
'nuff said. hehe)

Catch the brass ring .... !!!

4am Stuff

As anxious as I am to work on photographs, I also found that while I was on vacation, I would wake up at 4am and make notes in my netbook.  Sometimes the most extraordinary thoughts come to mind, but most often, they're what I call my "reality thoughts" --- its when I can be brutally honest with myself and how I'm feeling.   (Posting this at 4am, because it seems fitting ... but for once, I wasn't awake then!)

Ahh the joys of going back to your childhood home.  Short little flight and boom, this is where I spent most of my growing up years.  Nothing much changes in Silicon Valley - Its a well established and crowded area.  In the bigger picture of things, its too busy, too crowded for me.  But its family, it's home.

I experimented with photos out the plane's window, and caught this one with my hands appearing as ghostly images over the Valley lights  ... pretty neat, I thought!  Most of the pictures ended up being a blur, however, because of us moving, and party because its dark.








Some of my random thoughts while I was away:

Its so good to touch base, to swap stories, to reminisce about days gone by with family.  I feel sorry for anyone who doesn't have that in their life, or worse, never had it.

~~~~~~~~~~

Its 4am, no sleep to be found.  That's a line from a Willie Nelson song.  And just happens to be true for me right now.  I am not sure why I wake up at this hour, I have been doing it for years.  I joke about it, and call it my worry hour, because I can think without being interrupted, perhaps.  It's when I get some of my best ideas, and my worst thoughts.  Almost as if reality is clearer at this time than any other time of the day.

Or maybe its when I can be the most honest with myself.

I was reading a few quotes about reality on GoodReads, thought I'd share what jumped out at me:

“People are afraid of themselves, of their own reality; their feelings most of all. People talk about how great love is, but that’s bullshit. Love hurts. Feelings are disturbing. People are taught that pain is evil and dangerous. How can they deal with love if they’re afraid to feel? Pain is meant to wake us up. People try to hide their pain. But they’re wrong. Pain is something to carry, like a radio. You feel your strength in the experience of pain. It’s all in how you carry it. That’s what matters. Pain is a feeling. Your feelings are a part of you. Your own reality. If you feel ashamed of them, and hide them, you’re letting society destroy your reality. You should stand up for your right to feel your pain.”  -- Jim Morrison

And then this one:


"'You'll get over it' .....

It's the cliches that cause the trouble. 

To lose someone you love is to alter your life forever. 

You don't get over it because 'it' is the person you loved. 

The pain stops; there are new people; but the gap never closes. 

How could it? 

The particularness of someone who mattered enough

to grieve over is not erased by anyone but death.

This hole in my heart is in the shape of you and no one else can fit. 

Why would I want them to?"

Sigh.

Vacation: Stanford U

One of the neat things about going home is the memories it brings back.  And one of the most fascinating places to take pictures is at Stanford University.  I drove 'the girls' (my mom and my aunt) out there to have a look around.   -- A little bit of humor on the side:  We scrounged for quarters and dimes to put in the parking meter; we got it up to 40 minutes and thought that would be enough.  When it was time to come back, we noticed in very tiny writing on the back of the meter "except Saturday and Sunday". lol  Oh well, the U needed our few quarters. hahaha

We wandered about the campus with no real destination in mind.  Both my Dad and Uncle Jim worked out there back in '64 or so.  And one of the things I have are pictures of me as a girl posed in front of this or that fountain, different places.  So I revisited those as best I could.  When I got home, I found I had these two pictures:

Same fountain; the building in the background is still the bookstore. 
Sometimes its very neat to know that things don't always have to change!
(That's me in the red shorts, early 1966 I am assuming. 
Then me in 2012.... 46 years later. wow)

This was my fav shot out there --
the archways there are gorgeous
and I love the play of sunshine as it streams across.

Ahhh, home soon

With luck, my flight home will look like this!!!