Moody Days

Yesterday was one of those moody days.  I was quite cranky and out of sorts when I woke, and it just never got better.  So I decided to at least accomplish a task or two.

I headed to the post office 2 miles from home. I stood in line watching the worker struggle with her printer.  There were 3 other stations and she should have signed off and moved to take care of customers. But nope. 

Then it was my turn. I had 2 packages to mail and she started in on it, but couldn't print a complete label.  The small portion that had printed, she had slapped on my box, then spent 5 minutes or more trying to peel it off. (She had fake nails and couldn't...) 

Then when I asked to get the lock changed on my postal box, I was told i had to go to the other post office 2 miles further from home.  Kind of weird.  Then I couldnt get the work order started because I needed 2 forms of ID. Um, since the mailbox is broken, how am I getting mail???  Luckily, my car registration has my address.  So that task completed ($40 out of pocket ....  I thought USPS owned those here in AZ?) 

Then on to Hobby Lobby to pickup some scrapbooking paper.  I took photos of moms grandkids from her photo albums and I'm making a scrapbook for each of them. She has one granddaughter and 5 grandsons. Boys aren't as sentimental, maybe they won't even want them, but its what she wants. 

So, two things accomplished.  That's about all I can handle today.  May tomorrow be a better day! 

A Short One

I have been bothered by the personality changes I've been seeing in my mom.

She wasn't the mom who sat and listened if you had a problem. She wasn't the mom who hugged you because she thought you needed a hug. We were kids, we didn't know any different.

And now as an elderly adult, she has changed her ways. She wants a hug every time I see her, and sometimes more. The other day we were watching tv and she held out her hand and said I need you to hold my hand for a few minutes.

And today, I am coming to terms with all this ... crap. I call it crap because it isn't about showing or sharing love.  Its her own needs above anything else. Always was. We all just learned to deal with it in other ways, or deal around it.  Because we didn't know different.

Yes, I can hug her or hold a hand, but its not with an overabundance of feeling.   She's my mom and that's her due as a mom. 

I know it will bother me from time to time in the future, but putting it into context makes me able to move beyond it.  

And I can be ok with it. 

No Sleep Blues

I didn't sleep much last night.  Usually that happens when there is something up with mom, many texts filled with how much pain she is in. 

I think the cause of this is from a suggestion my sister-in-law made. She wants to take mom to a restaurant for her birthday. With me driving mom in my car.  I tried to explain why that wouldn't be a good idea.

Mom has already asked a couple times if I would take her out. And I said no. She isn't very mobile, getting out of her wheelchair and into the car ..... ugh.  Which also means I would be the one lugging the wheelchair in and out of my trunk.  And once my SIL leaves, *I* am the one who would be stuck with whatever an outing does to mom. 

People with anxieties do not do well when they don't stay within their routine.  When the routine is broken, so is the steady calm of knowing what comes next.  Mom doesn't handle it well, and the burden falls on me because I live here, and they don't.

I feel it in my gut that mom would continue to pester me to take her on "outings". 

Im getting tired of handling all this alone.

A Thinking Mood

Sometimes as I'm reading, things stand out and put me in a thinking mood.  It seems to happen when I'm contemplating where I'm going to go from here.  

A story I'm reading takes place during WWII and how people were rationing things.  The local paper had printed the headine:  Use it up, Wear it out, Make it do, or Do without.  That's pretty good!  In this disposable world we live in, we tend to take things for granted, to use it once and toss it out because we can always get another one.  Maybe we should change our thinking on this point.

In this same story, a friend writes: "Fill your life with wonderful words, beautiful music, and warm sunshine. Stretch out your arms and embrace all that life has to offer you."  Great words of wisdom!!

And finally, "I believe each person is responsible for their own happiness. To depend on other people to make you happy is a mistake."

Yep. All this has put me in a thinking mood.

Great-Amma

Yesterday, I became a great grandma for the second time.  Gabriel arrived in the wee hours.  And I'm thrilled! 

And I'm also bummed. He's not here in the same town, and I can't travel away from my mother.  Technically, I could.... she has great caregivers! But she doesn't like .... well, she prefers it when I am there for her. Which is  a burden for me.

But, as always patience and acceptance is my mantra for the year! 

Counting Years, Not Sheep

What do you do when you can't sleep? We've all heard of counting sheep, but I've never been able to do that very well. 

Sometimes, I can close my eyes and relive a good memory like a day on the beach, or a walk through a redwood forest, a first date. 

Lately, I have found that creating a mental timeline puts me right out!!! Sounds weird, but .... 1977 Graduate high school 1978 First full time job 1979 get married 1980 (nothing comes to mind) 1981 married life is harder than expected 1982 have a baby 1983 motherhood and working is a challenge! 1984 life is still a challenge 1985 still plodding along 1986 have another baby 1987 motherhood and working with two kids now is tiring! 1988 .....

I don't get much further than that. Being a young mom and working full time, life was lived moment to moment and paycheck to paycheck. 

It wasn't all boring, though. You learn to choose your moments, to create little joys. For 50cents, I could go to family swim night at the local pool.  Parks were a great place to spend time. 

Life isn't always easy. We all have rough patches; we get through them and move on. But if we focus on the little things, find happy moments and joyful occasions, you build a lot of memories that make you smile.

Sunday Morning

Sunday morning.  Usually a time of reflection for me, of anticipating what the week might bring, of what needs to be done. 

I have a pile of things for Goodwill.  I have an item that needs to be returned. I have two packages to take to the post office.  I need to arrange a repair on my mail box.  Overall, not a whole lot of things to do. But they all take time.

I haven't slept well in two nights because there seems to be an issue at mom's home regarding her medications.  She always seems to have more pain when she has anxiety.  Or she gets anxiety when she has pain.   Either way, they go hand in hand and can develop into an ugly cycle.

We were supposed to get rain yesterday, 74% chance! --  but no rain at my house, just a spitting of sprinkles.  Not enough to rinse off my car. So maybe I'll have to add car wash to my list of things to do.

Might as well get up and get started ... it could be a long day.

Anxiety Worry

Mom has always complained to me that she doesn't want to live alone. But I knew her living in an apt in assisted living meant she would still be alone if she chooses not to socialize.  And my hunch was correct.

She's been doing ok, for the most part, taking meals with others in the dining room. But she still keeps me "involved" by asking for me to bring things.  I was hoping that this situation would ease her anxiety issues, but now that we're past the initial move-in/set-up stage, the anxiety is creeping back. 

Wednesday she had an anxiety attack.  And I'm not sure what started it.  Her OT was there, and wanted to know if she was walking with her walker. She can't walk alone, but that's why we pay big bucks to have staff on hand to help her. But Tracey asked and she said "my daughter helps me". And I happened to be there, and straightened that out right away.  No, I am not a nurse, and if she starts to fall and I catch her wrong, she could hurt herself.  But worse, she could also hurt me. If that happened, who would take care of all this crap I take care of??? 

Or maybe it was her being anxious about her meds.  Between Tramadol and Oxy, she takes a lot of pain killers.  And seems to need Oxy more often. Between those, and her anxiety med that makes her drowsy, she can be quite unstable, another reason to not walk often.

She ended up needing the extra dose of anxiety med, and is going to ask the nurse Friday about getting her meds more scheduled rather than "as needed".  

Part of this is a control issue. She tried to figure out her own med schedule and asked me to help. I tried to explain to her that no matter what we decided, the nurse has the final say so as to the timing when she can take which meds, and she shouldn't be so worried.  

But "worry" is her middle name. Or her mantra. Or both!! 

New Jammies

Pajamas can be hard to find, if you're particular like me.  Winter PJs aren't so hard to find, you can wear any kind of fabric. Summer is when you need cotton!!

A friend of mine once commented "if it's so hot, just sleep naked."   But if you've ever slept in a room that's 80 degrees (when outside its over 100F at midnight), the last thing you want is skin against skin.  Because you get sweaty. Your skin warms and unless you sleep like a starfish and hog the bed, everywhere that's touching sweats then dries, and you feel as if you're peeling one thigh off the other.  

Nope, not for me. Cotton Jammies. Short sleeves, Capri pants.  The cotton helps keep you cool. And they get softer every time they're washed!

My softest ones are old, and a size too big. Which means every time I roll over, the pants slide off.  Happened to spy some on my Walmart app, and click, click, had them delivered!  Pink with black polka dots and trim. Talk about classic!!

 

Owl Hoots

Every morning, I wake up early.  After waking up early every day for years for work, my body is still in the habit. My morning habit is to use the time to read.

This morning, as I'm reading, I could hear the distinct sounds of an owl hooting.  It made me smile!  Quietly I opened my back door, and could hear it even more distinctly.  It was probably in the neighbor's tree, but it was still pitch black outside.  Since its a chilly 44 and I'm in my jammies, I didn't wander out to have a closer look! 

Usually you see owls further out of town, but only if you look closely! 

According to Google: Hearing an owl at night spiritually signifies wisdom, transition, hidden knowledge, and messages from the spirit world, often acting as a guide through darkness ..... 

As I researched more about owl hoots, its noted that coyotes often imitate owl hoots in order to scare prey.  So maybe its a good thing I didn't venture out to see the owl!!

Sun, Tunes, Peace

The hardest thing for me, lately, is finding time, or making time, for me to be a priority. Sometimes, after dealing with mom's stuff, mom's house and my own house, I end up at the bottom of the list.

Yesterday, I took an early morning walk. For me.  Today, I took an afternoon walk after my big meal of the day.  Again, for me. 

I can't wait for things to get better. Because they won't get much better.  

Sunday, leaving Mom's, I told her I had things to do Monday and Tuesday, and I would see her Wednesday.  She clung as if I was going away for two months, not two days. Then Monday, she sent me five different texts.  I finally had to put my phone on Do Not Disturb. Because she has an uncanny knack to write things that make me feel guilty for not seeing her.

Glorious sunshine, good tunes, peaceful soul

House vs Home

Fifteen years ago I moved into my house. Its the house I bought on my own. It was my biggest and most hard fought goal to reach. Saving money wasn't easy when you're working on a Walmart salary! But through hard work and scrimping, I bought my house!

And now, as I look back, the first thing I realize is its the place I have lived in the longest!  My parents moved into their first home when I was 8, and I moved out at 18! 

Sometimes I realize that it's just a house, a place to keep me warm in winter, cool in summer, a place to lay my head, to store my things.  But its also home. A place I have decorated, renovated, painted, repainted. I don't think there's a spot I haven't done something to in order to make it my own.

I know this won't always be home; at some point in the future, I will need to relocate. It will be hard to leave a place that holds so many memories! But there comes a time when life changes bring other changes.  Thankfully, there is always room for more memories.

I will always, always, treasure the memories I made here in this house that became home.

Psych!

It was recommended that my mom see a psychiatrist.  He came one day last week and according to her "it went fine".  Which always makes me laugh.

I know there's a joke about when women say "fine" ... and its my moms favorite word. She is never going to be one who tells the real truth, it will always be "fine" in her world.  She gets that from her dad and her grandfather both.  

So I sent him an email and asked him to call me when he has a chance.  Although I am wary about how it will go. 

I know I have issues with Mom, they are all reactions to how she has lived and treated us in her life.  But its frustrating to watch her "hide the truth" from her doctor.  When I have corrected her in the Dr's office, she blasted me for telling that to him. 

So, a little dread for the upcoming phone call. Maybe he will recommend I see a shrink of my own!  Ha! Ha!

Roller Skate Relic

I found a key from my childhood .... a skate key!  

Two different sizes were used to adjust sizes on metal skates that were held on by leather straps at the ankle.

I remember them being noisy as we rattled our way down the sidewalk. 

These were fun, but in the 70s when they converted to the boot style was even better.  Mine had green poly wheels! 

The Clothes Chair

Today was the first time in a month I actually hung up the clean laundry that needs to go on hangers!!!  Admit it, we've all done it, leaving clothes draped over a chair.  

With my wonky schedule, running to mom's house, running to visit mom, taking care of my own house,  groceries for me, sundries for mom, and every other part of life's busy-ness, I don't always do what should be done.

Take laundry, for example.  When I worked, I did laundry on the same day of the week, every week. Because of what I was required to wear, choices were limited. Hanging pants and work shirts was simpler, compared to now. And maybe I should go back to that! 

Laundering sweaters and tops that need to be washed separate has become too big a chore.  So I tend to get lazy when it comes to putting laundry away. Its so much easier to drape it over a chair and then wear those again!  But it creates a feeling of chaos when things arent done to completion.  

In order to get every chore done -- and still have time for ME -- well, it just doesn't work. So when you prioritize the ToDo list, lately, I come in last. And that hasn't been good for my mental health, either.

So to all those of you who are like me, and drape laundry over the backs of chairs, change it up, clean it up. You will feel better!  I sure do! 

New Surprises

In trying to pack up moms stuff and take them to her new home, we were trying to decide what needed to go.  Turns out our choices were wrong when it came to stuff in her bathroom.

According to her, she had "brand new" packages of the face creams, and these open, used containers next to her sink were filled with "just lotion".  Why is lotion in these jars?  Also, she had 13 lipsticks in various shades. None of them looked relatively new, so we tossed them.

Does anyone else do this?  Put stuff in different containers?  In addition, she's been in her new digs for almost two months and she just now says something???

Every day is filled with its own surprises.

Odd Ends

Have you ever read a story with your name in it?  I'm currently reading a JA Jance novel, and one couple has the same names as my real aunt and uncle, including their last names.  And the child in the story relating to the couple is Christopher Anthony, also same last name, which are the names of my two nephews who are brothers.  

Its a strange and spooky feeling!!  

Another odd end is mom, who is my never ending source of oddities!  She sends Chriatmas cards, which means she gets them in return. She had me buy her some cards so she could reply to the ones she received. Most of them are from family, and she hasn't sent out any cards except one, to my dad's cousin's wife she hasn't seen in over six years. 

The third odd end came up yesterday. I was visiting Mom and my cousin Karen, who visits mom once a week or so asked if it was a good day to visit. When mom told me, I said good, I'll take off so you two can visit.  And Mom said I'll tell her no, cuz I'd rather have you here. Mom, I said, if someone else is going to visit with you, I'll leave so I can get some things done.  *sigh*

Little things tend to pile up, and the pile just keeps growing.  Singularly, they are just odds and ends. But they can be overwhelming!

A neighbor is mowing his lawn. That was my chore growing up from 1970-1977!! Fresh cut grass .... great smell!

Is It "Off" Yet??

Like a runner in a race, when the bell sounds the start of the race, the runner is  "on", like hitting a light switch, his body engages in the task at hand: to run.

But there comes a time after the race where the runner gets to shift to "off", to give his body a rest. 

Sometimes, life is like that. We are in the "on" position, constantly trying to do more and more.  That's how I feel, constantly "on". I am trying to handle getting mom's house packed and ready to sell.  (Which will be a bit of a fight as my brother wants to rent it out.)  I am also dealing with my own house issues, without heat for a while, along with the other normal issues, spraying weeds, blowing the backyard, a cupboard door hinge broke and hangs there like a drunken sailor.  All these little things that need to be handled keeps me "on".

Then there's being "on" for mom. She gets weird ideas.  Yesterday, I had to bring her some artificial flowers because its "hat day" today and she wanted to stick some flowers on a hat. Other times, she is a little down and asks "when am I going home" and I need to be reassuring and then nicely distract her. Another form of "on".  

When does "off" happen???

I try to do things for myself, a solitary walk in the mornings, or some of my projects, like painting ATC cards, or working on photo albums.  But it always feels like I'm squeezing my own stuff into little pockets of time.  I would like a large chunk of time where I don't have to be "on".  That's what vacation time was for when you had a job. But a job involving family has no vacation. 

I'm looking forward to some "off" time! 

I Got Busy

Life can be funny at times. When life gets busy, sometimes it gets even busier!  I had to stick around the house waiting for a repairman. My blower quit working, so I've had no heat since 4a Sunday morning.  

Maintenance man was here, and nope, have to have a part ordered.  Should take 7-14 days. *blink*  Thats quite a while!!

Thank goodness I live in the desert ... it hasn't been too cold here!! 

In the meantime, an extra blanket on the bed, wearing an extra sweater in the mornings, and a little blanket to toss over my knees if I'm chilly watching tv!!

I hope its not too cold where you are!! 

Family Heirlooms

For years, I have watched my mom collect things. Most she bought just because she liked them. She was given a vase from my dad's mother. Nana's story told how this vase was brought to America by her husband's mother (Christine) around 1900.  

But Google lens, which isn't *all-knowing* all the time, shows it made in Philadelphia around 1911.  

Do you have your own family heirlooms with similar stories attached?  It's kind of like the Barbie clothes I found.  The story behind them is lost, mom doesn't remember where they came from, but it would be easy to say "my mom made them", even though she didn't.  Does an embellished story make it better?

Here's the vase according to Lens:

The story is false, but I'm keeping the vase!

Are You Thrifty??

When I worked retail, I was amazed at how much stuff is bought each day.

With the cold snap today--- it was 37 degrees!!! --- I grabbed a lap blanket to keep my legs warm while I had lunch.

And I remembered the origins of this one.  The grey squares used to be my Grandma Clara's coat.  When it became outdated, or outsized, she cut some squares and crocheted them together to make this warm blanket.  The quilt on my bed growing up was also squares of clothing I wore growing up.  

People were quite thrifty when they needed to be!  And that impresses the hell out of me!  We could be doing better at these kinds of things. And should.  

Barbie Doll Art

"Barbie, named after Ruth Handler's daughter Barbara, debuted at the New York Toy Fair on March 9, 1959, as a teenage fashion model. Created by Mattel, Barbie allowed girls to imagine the future with an adult figure, quickly becoming a cultural phenomenon with accessories, friends (Ken), and diverse careers, evolving from a symbol of glamour to reflecting social changes."

I was a part of all this.  

Dressing my Barbie in fashions mostly sewn by my mother, I had a handmade case to hold 3 dolls on one side, and a place to hang clothes on the opposite side, sort of a portable closet! Dad made them for me and my sister. 

We played Barbies a lot! But as I think back on it, I enjoyed building the "homes" and creating furniture out of boxes and scraps more than I liked having the dolls act out playing house.

While cleaning out a closet, I found an old baby wipes tub with crocheted Barbie clothes dated 1966.  They were hand made, but when I asked, mom doesn't remember who made them. I didn't even know she had them!  Now, how can I make them into art?

So I jumped online, ordered a shadowbox frame and mounted them inside.  Nifty!!

A Cold Drizzle

Its a cold and drizzly Wednesday, which makes it harder to get things accomplished. 

At Moms, I dragged home a large box of paperwork to go through.  And tossed another box full of mail she had been keeping for years.  I boxed up all the shoes she doesn't wear,  but I couldn't decide about the rest of her clothes.  Still more to get done. 

Once I got home, I sorted the mail, shredded the bills, and created a file of medical bills for taxes.  This was a 90 minute "project"!

But with it so chilly, I decided to settle in with a movie, and happened on "Birdcage" on Tubi .... always a fun watch!  Although I prefer the streaming platforms that are commercial free .....

Where does the day go when its cold and drizzly?  All I want to do is curl up and nap!

Evening Walk

When you're trying to do the right thing(s)  and they arent working the way you want them to, doesn't it make sense to switch it up? 

How many of you made a resolution to "lose weight"?  Such a common one, and frankly, harder to do than other things.  For myself, I never make that one because it fails, making *me* feel like the failure.  Lousy feeling!

I cut out processed foods, sweets, snacks. I started fasting 16:8 and lost the first 20lbs even thought it took me six months or so. But I haven't been able to do much beyond that.  Sure, I've probably lost another 10 lbs .... but its the same 2-3 pounds up and down for the past six months. Grr.

So my switch is going for a walk after my last meal of the day, which is usually 3-4pm. That works for me very well, until my "mom issues" interfere.  She wants me to visit, like today, ended up sitting there watching TV while she dozed off.  Even taking her out to the courtyard to get some sun and she was dozing off.  Mildly frustrating if its just once or twice, but it is common.  Taking care of her needs, my needs and packing up her house is stressful.  Makes it harder to *do me*.

Hence the switch ..... a walk after my last meal just might help!!  Even if it just reduces stress.  So switch it up -- changing one thing breaks the old patterns!

Gotta love Arizona sunsets!! 

Avoidance

A night of restless sleep, and an internal debate: shake it off with a neighborhood walk or a trip to the gym? 

A neighborhood walk won out.  Hazy clouds this morning, with rain coming tomorrow.  Its cool, 55 degrees, but I slipped on a jacket. It came off half way through my walk! A small ache in my foot, but I powered through  - hope I don't regret it tomorrow!

They say "when you aren't sure what to do, do nothing."  Maybe my walk was more avoidance than doing nothing. I have a lot of things here that have come from moms house; I need to find a place for it all, even if that means its boxed up for the time being. 

Avoidance.  Maybe tomorrow.

Organized Hoarding?!?

It all seems a little weird and surreal. I'm.  here at mom's packing up her house, her mementos and her memories.  Some of the stuff I'm keeping, and a few mementos for the grandkids.

The weird and surreal is that she isn't dead, just living in a small apartment.  Small compared to a 3 bedroom house.  At first, I was not going to tell her what I'm doing, but then a little slipped out and we talked about sharing things among the family. 

For the most part, she seems to accept that it has to be this way.  Other times, she will ask me to bring her something, telling me where its at.  At her old house in Cali.  She lived there nearly 60 years and knew where everything was.  Things started slipping after she moved.

But what surprises me (but only a little) is that even though things are "put away and organized", they really aren't.  She could certainly qualify as a hoarder.  There's a small dish of safety pins not just in her sewing drawer, but in the kitchen, the bathroom and the bedroom.  Same with rubber bands and clothes pins.  I counted 52 kitchen towels. And there must be 25 or so tablecloths.  I don't think she's at the point where she can laugh about it though! So I don't say anything.

It took me an hour and two 39-gallon trash bags to gather up the plastics with lids to donate, and another baggie of mismatched items to recycle. And that was just in the pantry! 

And all this has me wondering ..... what will MY daughter be saying or thinking when she finally goes through my stuff??  Eeks

There's a fine line between collecting, keeping and hoarding.

Choose Fun!

When did things change to a point where we are overly busy? What shifted us to the mindset that we have to do more? And more still? 

In my 20s, (and 30s) I worked for a forklift dealership in the service department. But when quitting time came, once a week, every Thursday, we all gathered at a local "watering hole". It was where we all talked, and yes, we talked about work issues. But we also talked about families, sports, politics or whatever else came to mind.  We laughed and shared and enjoyed each others' company. 

But somewhere along the line, it seemed more important to "get things done" than it was to find a little time to spend with friends.  Spending time with friends seemed like a luxury. 

We've started combining chores and pleasure, rather than one or the other.  We have become unbalanced.

Most parents want their kids to have it "better" than they had it. In elementary school, I didn't have soccer, ballet and music lessons.  I only had music lessons.  My parents didn't drive me to and fro between lessons and practice for several activities. And frankly, I walked to music lessons around the block.

As a retired old gal, I thought this would be  "my time" to do things I wanted to do. But somehow, we are all caught up in an overly busy life. What shifted?

There's a lot of talk about having a balanced life. At work, we were often asked if we felt we had a good work/life balance.  But that never took into expectations into account. We go to work earlier, stay later, to get things done. And yet, there is always something else needing to be done.

We need to make better choices. We don't always have to "get everything done".  Choose the fun things over work every now and then! 

Medicine Mishap

Phone calls that come late at night are never good!  Last night, at 11pm, the home my mom is at called.  I didn't hear it, I keep it silenced because Mom calls and sends texts at all hours.  I checked my phone just before midnight and listened to the voice message:  there was an incident with moms meds, but she is fine. I just wanted to let you know."    Well.  How do you go back to sleep after that!?!?!

My mind wanders to and fro, from what the hell did mom do?  To what kind of medicine mishap??  Sheesh.

I waited until 10 to return her call, she probably worked overnight, and yes, I woke her up.  It was a mixup of pain meds, but mom was fine. Dashed over and yes, she's fine.  Lol.  Talkative as all get out ..... I'm sure an after effect!! 

Elder care isn't for wimps!!!

New Day, New Year

The first day of a new year is almost as exciting as the first say of a new school year!

There were so many things to look forward to: a new teacher, new friends, seeing old friends, new things to learn in a new phase of life. 

How does that translate into something when you're older?  Its easy to wallow when each day isn't so different from the last. But maybe we just need to find a different viewpoint, engage ourselves in something new and different, find a new focus. 

I ordered me a fancy paper punch online, and have started a kind of journal. Every day, I have to use a little imagination and punch something out.  To be honest, since this is new, I sometimes do more than 1!

I mean, we get cards in the mail, most people don't keep every card. Now I can punch a part of it for memory!