Finding Focus

I have always liked reading and writing.  When I was in the second grade I wrote an "Ode to Morning" that described how I heard my father's car driving off to work each morning as "the roar of the Rambler..".  We all chuckle each time we read it.  That was the beginning, but as I reflect back over the years, I regret that I didn't do more with my writing.  But that's water under the bridge .... 

I used to think that Sadie was holding me back from some of the things I used to do more of ... working on my computer with photos, writing, and family tree research.  It's been a few weeks and I'm still trying to find my equilibrium.  My days were structured with Sadie, with no room for anything else.  Now I come home from work and there's .... nothing.  From the time I moved out from my parents' house, it was into an apartment with my husband.  Then kids came, and a different husband, step kids, and animals.  I didn't want a dog, but once I got Sadie, she was my sidekick!  So now, this is the first time I've been alone.  No kids, no pets, just an empty house.  I hope this is an interim, and that I'll get back to doing my own things again. 

When I had a day off last Saturday, I just couldn't seem to get motivated to do anything.  I have put a temporary hold on prepping things for a move should it be needed, and working holidays in retail puts me in a cranky mood most days.  I know I shouldn't feel guilty about doing nothing but sometimes I do. 

I guess it's time for more lists:  things I should do, things I want to do and things I need to do.  Somewhere in these lists of things is going to be more writing.   Maybe that will help me be more focused on my days off. 

It worked in the past!!

Holidays are Hard

 Here it is, Thanksgiving Eve.  Holidays can be hard on everyone, for a variety of reasons.  We all have difficulties with events that happened, or didn't happen, during the holidays.  For me, the death of my son has had the biggest impact. No matter how much time has gone by, it's during the holidays when I feel the ache of it the most  This year, the loss of my sister as well as my beloved pug, Sadie, and I feel even more alone.  Not in the lonely kind of alone. I've always enjoyed being independent and am comfortable with my own company.  It's just hard knowing that things have changed, and won't ever be the same.

Yes, I know, the first thing most people say is "get another dog".  Some folks say that one doesn't replace the one who's gone.   For me, while having a dog was a good comfort and good company, it wasn't fair to her that I would be gone to work for nearly 10 hours a day.  And when I was home, it was chores and a walk and to bed.  I wasn't enough company for her, so the thought of another dog is shelved until my working situation changes.  (May 29, 2026 can't come fast enough for me!!!! haha)

My work schedule is a killer to keep up with during the holidays!  Working retail is difficult enough, but when you add in all the extra items that need to be stocked for customers to buy, and top it off with unhappy customers who are trying to shop and can't find something - well, they can be downright *r*u*d*e* this time of year.  Retail workers - or anyone else who works in a service industry - get the short end of the stick this time of year, and it can take a toll on a person's well being. 

This year, many stores are closing for Thanksgiving Day - but that didn't take the pressure off retail. Instead, I ended up working my normal day off (Weds) so I'm still working a full 40 hours.  On top of it, I have to be at work Friday at 4am so that we're ready for 5am shoppers.  This just isn't fun any more! 

But being that it's Thanksgiving, and time to give thanks, I am certainly grateful that I have a job, an income to support my home.  But I'm more thankful that I still have my mom to talk to every day, that the rest of the family is happy and healthy.  I'm happy that my own health is good, as well.  My heart stress test and echocardiogram results were good, no known issues to be found.  And in the bigger picture, I'm grateful for all the doctors and nurses and essential workers who have kept going during this pandemic.  

2020 has been quite the year, and I'm ready to have it over and done with.  I'm not sure what 2021 will hold, but I'm ready, so bring it on.  May you and your family be healthy and happy during this holiday season!  Stay safe and stay well.