I Call Him AL

I've been using AI alot, for a wide range of odd questions.  I call him AL.  Last night's conversation was about sleeping with the TV on.  I've been doing it for many, many years.

It started with my second husband, we used to play customs VHS tapes all night on a small 10inch screen TV.  He would record shows and edit out commercials. We had a complete set of I Love Lucy,  Leave it to Beaver, The Dick Van Dyke Show, and The Brady Bunch, to name a few. 

That was the start of the habit.  After my last divorce, I started off with a TV that had very easy sleep functions, it would go off after 90 minutes. After my son died, I hated the silence, so the TV stayed on all night watching DVDs.  Then came streaming on HULU with no commercials.

I just learned from AL that if I hold the mute button for 3 seconds, my TV screen goes black, but the audio continues.  I had NO CLUE it did this, and what a breakthrough for me!! Now I have the audio, without all the blue light affecting me.

My first night trying this, I slept a solid four hours, with my fitbit recording 80 minutes of that as deep sleep.  I will definitely be using this from now on!!

If I hadn't started a dialog with AL, I wouldnt have learned something new.  I know there's some controversy about using AI, but the details it comes up when you ask something can be amazing.  

What will I be asking AL next????

Last of Summer??

The last month of summer in the heat of the Arizona desert is hard to endure.  I got up Saturday morning and it was 100 degrees by 9am, and 108 at 1pm.  

Everything you attempt to do is factored by the heat.  Go for a walk? Uh, nope.  OK, I did walk to the mailbox to get my mail.  

Clean the back patio?  Straighten up the garage?  Yeah, just too hot to do very much. Simple chores like clean the bathroom or vacuum the house aren't so bad. But not much else that isn’t necessary gets done.

Beginning in May, I start repeating my mantra, hurry up Sept 15th.  Only two weeks to go. I'm ready!!! 

Same Every Day

A lot of reading materials cross my desk .... error, phone. I like information. But then again, maybe I'm just using it to avoid thjngs.

A blurb about hyper vigilance and narcissistic abuse was this morning's info. Isn't it funny how we can read somethjng and go yep, that could be me.

The sentence that grabbed my eye was about survivors who always wear the same clothes, because making decisions has been come difficult. When I was working, it became so very easy for me to grab a pair of jeans and a polo shirt.  Every day. One less decision.  I needed a breakfast on the fly, so it was ham and Swiss on a flour tortilla. Even now, I batch cook and eat the same meals every day.

But after thinking about it, I was the same as a kid.  I ate the same breakfast every day, Cheerios, and a butter and cheese sandwich for lunch.  Every day. 

I needed same-ness in order for my nervous system to feel regulated. 

Maybe I'm on the border of some of those other labels, OCD (definitely!), ADHD, and maybe slightly autistic. Because I like the same meals every day. I like the same  clothes every day (which is why I buy multiples when I shop). This gal isn't a fashionista with a different "look" every day. Never have been. 

I like things to be routine, to feel automated. I don't want to make a thousand decisions a day --- I did enough of that when I was raising kids!  And maybe simplifying my life is just a result of that. Because being wife and Mom means you're making decisions and coordinating a million details, which always made me feel like a cruise director! lol 

It doesn't matter what label gets slapped next to your name. You are who you are. Make the best of each day.  If that means the only decision you make is what book do I  read while I sit on the couch, then so be it.

Just make it a good day! 

Dear Dad

Dear Dad:

Like I promised you, I am making sure Mom is taken care of.  But did you know what you were asking of me?  

Did you play the role of peacekeeper to diffuse her difficult ways?  Did you know about her ways before you married her? Or did they gradually escalate and change over the years?

Were you aware of how she triangulated between us kids?  We were never close siblings, was that her doing?  Did you know sis was the favored? Was that because of the miscarriage she never got over? 

So many questions have come up. 

Did you know she never wanted to live alone? That she thought her stepmother was going to kill her in her sleep?  And still carries that fear today, even though Clara's been dead for more than 30 years?  Surely you knew that when you married her. Or was that a secret from you too?

Then there's the whole time frame us kids were growing up, I was a teenager, and you went out and bought a pickup. Then a tent trailer and we started going camping a lot, nearly every weekend for two summers. Was there something else going on behind all this? Or were you trying to be the buffer between the kids and what was going on ?

You shouldn't have taken mom's side when I didn't want to get married. I was too young, I wasn't in love. She won that argument, too.

Then one morning, I was going to drop off my son, he was about 2, and Mom's being hauled away in an ambulance.  But I never knew the real reason. Is that when her anxiety attacks really started?  

Yes, I have anger.  And a lifetime of dealing with .....  issues.

I always told myself you guys did your best raising us. We had a roof, clothes, food, vacations.  But there was something missing. And I have come to realize that moving away was the best thing for me.

I'll keep doing what you asked, Dad, but it hasn't been easy.

Your daughter.

Let Me Know ...

"Let me know if you need something" is an empty phrase.  Because if you're going through something and might need help, most times you're so busy going through that something there's no time to keep track of who said what. And to be frank, if they really wanted to help, they'd just do it. 

It's the little things in life that mean a lot. In the old days, people cooked a pan of food and brought it over whenever things happened.  Funeral? Bring a casserole. New baby? Bring a casserole.   Parent is sick or hospitalized?  Bring a casserole. 

So why haven't we found a way to do this in more modern times?  If you don't cook (and I don't!), what about bringing a tea mug with a box of teabags? A bottle of bathsalts? It may not be something that is a direct help to whatever the situation, but its more than "let me know ...."  because that statement puts the burden of asking for help on the person who is already burdened. 

This was too long and convoluted a post.  I had another difficult day.  And frankly I am tired. Tired of being the only one with answers. The only one worrying about the money.  The bills.  The doctor appointments. The one sitting in the lobby or in the Dr's office with mom.  All the questions she asks, I am expected to have the answers.  

And I have lost my patience. I was prepping the house to sell.  Out of the blue, my brother informed me a month ago he was coming at the end of August.  

Well, surprise little brother, there's very little left in the house. A bed with sheets. I brought over two swim towels for the bath, but that's it. The lamps are gone, the area rug is gone, all the dishes, pots and pans, a step stool .... well you get the idea. If it fit in my car, it went bye-bye.

So another month of paying the gardener, electric, garbage, etc has flown by.  Next month the annual insurance and real estate taxes are due.  My goal was to have it painted and ready to sell by Sept 1, looks likes its moving to October 1. 

Then there's the old saying sh!t rolls downhill.  Well guess where my place is???

I know I'm feeling sorry for myself,  but dammit I'm tired. 

Strange Thoughts & Weather

When you wake up in the morning, as you walk through your routine, do you look around to see if anything has been moved? or is out of place? that something might have changed while you were sleeping? 

I do.

And I recently became aware that I do this. Kind of weird, but there it is. 

So what am I looking for? I live alone, its not like there are kids who move things around. Is this just a different kind of hypervigilance because my system is wired for that?

Strange thoughts for so early in the morning.  

Today's heat is predicted to be 115-117, hot even for us arizona folks. I was reading up on this year's El Nino and what it means for winter weather, and it seems warmer than usual for us, but then again there could be more rain.  Flip a coin.

Sometimes weather predictions here are strange. I can check first thing in the morning, chance of rain less than 5%.  Go out and wash my car. Wind blows up around 2pm, by the evening we have dust storms, thunder, lightning, even rain.  Two weeks ago, so much rain it flooded my patio. And the day started out sunny.  I probably washed my car that morning!! 

Damned Bugs

My yesterday was spent putting my house back together.  Because there was some drilling inside the house (Damned bugs!) there was a light dusting of concrete all over everything!  It covered every surface and doing the bigger things, floors furniture, was the easy part.  Next it will be wiping sown all the little things, picture frames, tchotskies, etc. 

I usually do my "spring cleaning" in October after the monsoon dusts, or haboobs, are generally gone.  But this concrete dust is awful, and not so healthy! 

Have you ever moved a piece of furniture and wondered what kind of war had been waged beneath it by bugs?   Every now and then, in unforgotten corners behind a chair, or more often under the magazine rack, there are bits and pieces that make me think it was a WWE throw down! 

Putting things back in order after something major is done is kind of refreshing.  If you're like me, you lived with it a couple days because you had to. Once its all back in place, and clean again, feels really good.

When I get the credit card statement for that repair, it won't feel so good!!!

But it's a new day, another chance to make it a great day!  

Weddings

"I'm family. They will support me no matter what."

Sometimes its just a line in a book I'm reading that brings it all home.

In the book, there's a wedding. I have very few vague memories of my first wedding, as it was more "mom's party".  But then, family wasn't supportive when I wanted to call it off, so maybe I wasn't mentally present. 

My second wedding was hastily thrown together, just a simple ceremony by a friend, then Thanksgiving dinner with the family.  

My third wedding was memorable because it was my choice, my plan.  I'm not sure men have the same outlook about weddings, remembering details, etc.  Women seem to be all about the details.

And maybe its just me, but the wedding should be an expression of who the couple is, not some expensive version of being better than the rest. 

One of my friends in Ohio married, and her reception was an absolute extension of who they were. It was held at a campground, and it was potluck. In lieu of gifts, we brought something to share. We ate well, we shared laughter and fun. 

It was the most unconventional reception I had ever been to. And, frankly, the most memorable, because it was exactly suited to Emily and her husband. 

My third was the same. The reception was in our backyard, the food was buffet on the patio, kids were running and whooping it up right along with adults.  

That's my speed, casual fun.

My nephew is getting married in November, at a resort.  I'm not sure I can do resort, with cocktail attire. I have worn a dress three times in 15 years, and one was a funeral. Otherwise, I am buying an outfit to wear just once??  *ugh*

Ready, Set, Read!

Some days, there doesn't seem much to write about.  The details of life,  the busy-ness of doing ordinary things keep our minds busy leaving no time to dwell.

The bug man came yesterday and did his thing. It was loud, noisy and messy. And not to be stereotypical, but usually workmen have music for background noise. My bug man was listening to an audio book!! 

When he was done with business, I asked him about the book.  He said he and his wife read books together, sort of. He listens on audio, she reads real books.  

Awwwww. I think thats the sweetest thing I've heard in a long time!  

And just imagine how that gives them something to talk about. I mean, he's a bug man, certainly not interesting conversation over the dinner table! 

I smiled the rest of the day thinking about that ...... while I put my house back in order. 

Ready? Set!  READ!! 

Soul Searching

In the past couple of weeks, I have done a lot of soul searching and remembering of years gone by.  Its been a quest filled with questions, and trying to find answers.  But I'm learning that answers aren't the same as solutions. 

When it comes to relationships, while answers don't provide solutions, they can be helpful in setting your mind at ease.

Whatever issues Mom had in her own lifetime were thrust upon me in some ways. Her growing up years felt traumatic to her, and that influenced how she raised her children. One of the things most noticeable was her "passion" for cleaning.  And I learned that most likely created some kind of need for control.  The more she cleaned, the more in control she felt.  Or it could have been a way in her childhood to avoid punishment. She doesn't speak of it.

I learned recently that she had a miscarriage after I was born. It was never talked about until she blurted it out while watching old slides. When I heard I didn't comment. But this could be why my sister was the golden child, the one who survived after a devastating loss, and thus adored. 

Other people survive hardships and move on. I suspect my mom didn't know what to do with her feelings, and had no one to discuss them with in a safe manner.  And just maybe discussing feelings was something that wasn't taught by her own father, so she carried that learning into her own life. 

So those are some probable answers. But they aren't solutions, no way to solve the problem.  I can't change my past, but knowing these answers helps me live a more well-rounded life going forward.

Relationships are never easy; they take work and communication.  And if you don't own your feelings, things can't change or be corrected.  My mother raised me the only way she knew how. And instinctively I knew something wasn't right.  But knowledge is power, and knowing things helps me be a better person.

Al tells me: You have built a beautiful, resilient life on your own terms over the last 20 years, and you know exactly how to guide yourself back to center.

And for today, that's enough.

And now its time to deal with the bug man.

Mom, Games and TV

Mom asked me to load solitaire on her iPad. So I did.  And talk about funny watching her! 

Her fingers are always cold and her ability do "touch screen" is quite amusing.  She taps the screen and nothing happens.  Then she touches again and it happens twice. 

She has the same problem operating her remote. Along with forgetting which button to push!!

Then after finishing the solitaire game, there's an ad. And she can't see the little X in the corner.  Online games won't be her forte! 

It took me five months to teach her how to use the remote, to speak into the microphone to "open Netflix ". When she says it, she says it, she over pronounces and you never know what's really going to open! 

She's part of that generation where as a kid she had no tv, then black and white tv, then color tv, and now, a tv smarter than she is!! 

TV has come a long way :)  

It was a pretty good day otherwise. I had papers notarized for mom's banking.  My attitude was ... adjusted and I slept well, so all in all pretty good. 

Missing My Sadie

I'm watching Heartland, and the local vet on the show was holding a pug exactly like my Sadie.

Its been a downer kind of day and seeing Sadie's lookalike made me miss her all over again.

She was a great companion! I'd get another but my finances are strapped tight, no room for dog food and vet bills. 

BuGs & Burnout

My house has BuGs. To be specific, termites. And that just f*<>ed up my budget.  Its a $4500 hit to treat the nasty little buggers. 

Then you're caught in the crunch. 

Treat and pray its one and done?

Or sign up on a service for 5 years that guarantees they'll come back and keep re-treating if you find them again.

Mom had this problem, she went with the long program, and boy was it worth it, they had to come back and re-treat several times. 

In 15 years I haven't had a problem. 

And now I do.

My next dilemma?  Do I find a part time job to fill in the gaps of my income for a while?

I hate the thought of being slaved to a job again, but money would be nice too.  I don't qualify for SNAP.  

*sigh* choices, choices

Then the affidavit form I signed and had notarized, they rejected it. I'm going to try and resubmit but I may be required to do it all again. 

I spent two and a half hours with mom getting a root canal.  

There's just no end.

Caregiver burnout is very real. 

Analog Again?

I've heard talk of folks going back to analog devices.   Everything these days is "download this app" and sign up.  Even on web sites, they want you to sign up and have a password for the simplest things!  The next layer is sending a text to enter a code to use the website.

QR codes are everywhere, even your local restaurant menu. There's one on every package of food you purchase. 

As a kid, I rode my bike to the local Kmart and bought 45s for 50cents.  As I got older, it was LPs -- yes, vinyl. My first album was Steelers Wheel, a gift from my Uncle.  I had Osmonds, Alice Cooper, Yes, Lynnard Skynnard, you get the idea.  The point is, I owned the music and could listen without ads.

It was the same with TV, I owned many VHS tapes, then DVDs, again no ads.  

Streaming services are convenient, for sure, but sometimes there are ads. But worse, the movies are shifted on and off the service so you can't always watch your fav movies anytime.  You're hunting up titles to see what service they're on.   

When I was raising kids, after dinner, they could pick a movie. After their bedtime, adults got to pick a different one! 

With my new phone, I tried Spotify. Great for having all the tunes. But sometimes the song you want is a remix and I like the originals. I don't use it enough to know if music leaves on and off the service like movies.

Maybe I'm just too picky.  And maybe I'm tired of my TV being smarter than I am! 

Are we losing control?  We don't own much any more, its all on subscription.  

Are we renting our lives away?? 

Tired + Humor

There's so much going on. It seems to ebb and flow but there's never an end.  

There's always groceries to get, a house to clean, laundry.  At the same time, I'm dealing with all of the mom stuff. Her grocieries, her hygiene orders, her off the wall requests.

Then there are the other things: paying bills, managing finances, dealing with all the mail. Finding doctors, going to doctor visits.

The harder part is the daily dealing with her. She wants me to be her confidant in family issues.  She gives me hints about things she wants done and I am expected to know. And I do know because I lived with her in my early years.  If I don't have what she wants, she tries to pull me in with her physical ailments. Each day is a struggle, as if another shoe is about to drop. 

I let these little things go by finding small things to entertain me.  I saw a humorous meme yesterday:

"Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes, because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. BTW, keep the shoes."

I wonder if mom .... nah, she doesn't walk

(it takes very little to amuse me!!!)

Stripes

One of the nicest things about owning your own home is the freedom to do what you want.  When I moved in, the backyard has block fencing.  Two of them are a tan/ocher type color, and one is grey.  

I researched ways to do something with the one grey wall, and something inspired me to paint stripes.  Totally cheerful! 

And in doing things to a home, I have always believed that a person leaves an imprint if you will of themselves on whatever they work on. If they help you paint, a part of their love is painted into your home. Maybe that thought is a little out there for some, but I believe it. 

My aunt and uncle helped paint my home inside when I bought it. They showed up, brought tools and a crock pot full of chili with them, and we all got started. It was a good day of sharing work and love.

I kept going with the theme of infusing love when they helped paint stripes on my fence. Every time I look at those stripes, I remember their help and their love. 

My Aunt Margie was always game to do things of a different sort if I suggest it. And my daughter knows her mom well enough to just say OK as well.   My striped fence was a brilliant idea!

Strange & Random, Like Me

Am I officially old?  Its 4pm and I am watching Jeopardy!!

Are we a strange family?  We like spaghetti sandwiches.  A hot scoop of spaghetti on a slide of buttered bread, fold in half like a taco and enjoy!!

I got three things done on a very long To Do list today.  Not as much as I had hoped, but better than nothing! 

I keep hoping for my creative artistic side to bubble up again. But it happens slowly when I force it.

I solved my "make the bed every day" dilemma.  With the summer heat, I just sleep on top of the sheets. The blankets are stored for another month -- no bed to make!

My internal clock has me awake at 3am. Read for an hour, watched NCIS, read for another hour.  Sounds like bedtime is coming early tonight!

Every day I think of a question I can use AI for.  Sometimes the answers are too wordy, sometimes they are just right.  After tonight's "discussion", he suggested I crawl into bed for some light reading and relaxing.  I don't need to be told twice!!!  hehehe

Childhood, Part 2

More on yesterday's thoughts:

Somehow, I have always had a strong feeling that I preferred my dad as a kid, and kept that feeling as I grew into an adult. I also know that as a kid I felt my mom resented that I preferred him. Maybe its in the way she explained pix of him and me, saying that I always preferred him. Did I hear judgement in her voice?  Or some other feeling coming through in her voice?  As an adult, I might have been able to pick up on it, but as a kid, it was only a feeling.

I spent a lot of time in my room reading, I took piano lessons for a time.   So was I hiding or did I just feel invisible? Compared to my sister, the golden child, I was invisible. She was always involved in things where she was visible.

One of my chores growing up was mowing the lawn every Saturday, front and back.  Now that I look back, who mows every week?? After that, I would hose down the driveway and walkways. I could stretch this into three or more hours!   So did I do this because it kept me out of the house? Away from mom? 

One word that comes to mind growing up is "perfection".  The house was always "ready for company " even if no one was coming over. 

From all my reading I gather mom was emotionally immature. She was unable to express emotion, or deal with others' emotions. It was like they were swept under a rug -- in order to maintain that perfect house! (lol)

In recognizing these things, I can identify my old patterns of marrying men who had issues similar to my mom, emotionally unavailable.  Because it was familiar to me, I suppose. 

The other side of the coin is learning how to deal with her now.  She's elderly and has resorted to other ways of trying to gain whatever she thinks she needs from me. For example, after I visit when its time to leave, if I don't hug her she sits, claps her hands like a 4 year old and says "I need a huggie". 

---The hand-clapping and baby-talk ("huggie") is a textbook display of age-regressed manipulation. By mimicking a toddler, she is instinctively attempting to bypass your adult boundaries and trigger a protective, maternal response from you. ---

That's a heavy load to carry as an adult and I usually leave even faster when she gets to that stage.  

It's clear that what you learn as a child from parents stays with you no matter how old you - or they - get.  And it can trigger responses and guilt in yourself as if you were still their young child, rather than an adult.  I'm finding that navigating these waters can be very tricky when you're trying to preserve the adult you are, not the child you used to be.

After examining all this, there's a conclusion. I am who I am. I can't change the past. Understanding it helps to assuage the guilt of feeling "disloyal" for lack of a better word, toward mom. She wants me to be "this" and that is so not me. 

So Im leaving it as coexisting without allowing her to play her little games on me.  She will continue to try. I will continue to maintain my "grey rock" attitude.

Childhood, Part 1

When we are in the midst of growing up, we don't know anything different than what we are exposed to. We think that "all families are like ours".  And I truly believed that mine was idyllic, that we were "living the life" like the Cleavers' or the Brady's or the Cunningham's.  And if you're too young to know who they are, try Google!

Many of the decisions I made as an adult were based on whatever knowledge I had at the time.  My only big decision I made as an early teen was "never wanting to be like mom".  But I am not sure what led up to making that bold statement. 

My advisor tells me that I should write about childhood experiences to see if I could get to the bottom line.  But my kid memory filtered everything through a kid's mind, so is that accurate?  Try reframing it around something and see where that leads, was the suggestion.  So I'm trying:

We ate dinner every night as a family at the table. We all sat in our assigned spots. Food was basic, mostly simple meals like spaghetti, meatloaf.  And I recall eating meals rather quickly.  I remember being told to "stop laughing or go to your room".  Did we speak of anything real?  I don't remember any discussions that weren't of light hearted topics, not what we did in school, or how we felt about something.  As I look back, I am trying to determine if mealtime was a safe place to voice an opinion? I don't think so.  So was it more like a minefield we all learned to dodge by not bringing up topics? 

After meals, we got up and my sister and I cleared, then washed and dried the dishes.  If they weren't clean enough, we had to start over.  Yes, that happened quite a few times. We got through that chore as fast as we could every night.

Were we trying to escape? 

I can remember one time I was drying dishes and I must have said something .... I can't recall ... but Mom got up out of her chair and hit me a couple times.  Yep, that was a shocker.

I got here pondering those growing up years, and after 60 years, the memories are faded. Or filtered.  

What we learn at our parent's knee, as they say, becomes part of our road map for life. Or our inspiration to do things different.  What we don't expect is for those childhood feelings to come back so much later in life. It's easy to revert back to patterns we learned, much harder to forge new ones, especially if those patterns don't fit with mom's.   Which is the start of all this self reflection.  

I Love A Storm!

I was born during a Midwest thunderstorm and have always liked them. Listening to the rain coming down, or the wind whipping through trees, thunder striking and crashing overhead.

We got a boatload of rain during this brief monsoon blast.  The thunder was so loud it shook the walls of my house!!! 

Looks like I got quite the pond for now!

Soon after the first rumble, 

it blows on out of the Valley.  

Until next time!

Enough Said

I was asked to help out. My nephew asked me to pick up the kids from school as he was working.  

30 total miles. 

90 minutes in the car.

108 degrees. 

I picked up both kids at separate schools, and headed toward the house and find my nephew is at home. Grrrr

Enough said.

Use Positive Thinking

Neil Diamond sang "I am, I said ...."  

Helen Reddy sang "I am woman, hear me roar...."

We all use "I am.." statements.  I am a mom.  I am a wife.  I am tired.  I am hungry.

But think about these statements. You can use them for negative thinking, or for positive thinking.  Using I Am statements affects how your brain thinks. 

You can say "I am a mess" or you can say "I am learning to organize my life."

Every time you're about to make a statement, try to remember to frame it in a positive way.  

Its easy for most of us to be positive with others, but we often neglect the most important one: ourselves.

Even if its just a simple I am OK today.  Use positive thoughts, think positive thoughts about YOU today! 

A Person's Influence

I've been thinking about how a person can come into your life for a brief moment but can have a profound effect on us. 

Sometimes its just the briefest thing, a word of encouragement, a smile, or even just a soft touch.

Think back on the people who might have influenced you.  It's not always those people who are in your life in a major way - a spouse, a parent, an aunt - but just small moments that makes you remember it for a long time.  

I had a boss who was churched and must have recognized a need in me, briefly touched my forehead, eyes closed, said a brief prayer. We never talked about it, but it stuck with me.

The same with a short convo with Joe.  In that moment, he told me I was beautiful and introduced me to the music of Joshua Kadison -- My fav album of his is Painted Desert Serenade. I still listen 20+ years later.

Then there are those who come to you when you have a profound need; you may not even realize the need, you just accept it in the moment. And think about it for years. 

Those are your people. 

At the same time, do you make the effort when you happen to notice a need in someone else?  A kind word goes a long way, it could be a moment that is remembered for years afterward.  

We should all do our part. And be grateful to those who did their part for us.

A big thank you to those I call my people. You are remembered. And loved.

Telling A Story

If you're going to start telling a story, where do you start? 

I've gone back to working on my "novel" and it starts at what sometimes feels like a mid point. So do you go and start further back? Is it pertinent to the story? Or do I just want to tell that part of the story? 

I have a hard time deciding!

I've written a lot of different segments, but thought I had one version where there was more of it put together.  So I started going back through old files and whoa.  I have a large number of journal entries stored where I had forgotten about them. 

So now ..... what? Combine them all? Leave them as is? Print them? Some are 20+ years old! 

Where does the time go??

Am I still asking myself the same questions?

I've grown and changed over the years. I have surmounted obstacle after obstacle and survived, and in some ways thrived.

So now I need to figure out some starts and stops,  and polish things up.  

My (Step)Son

Moving to Ohio, I took on the task of raising my own two kids, along with his four. His were younger than mine.  We aren't supposed to have favorites, but Dougie had a way of touching a person's heart with his little ways, and a smile --- he always had a smile.  

When he was once suspended from school for some infraction I don't even recall, he had to help me with all the chores I do in a day while the kids are in school.  With a family of eight, there was ALWAYS laundry, dishes, cooking and cleaning to be done. He didn't complain the whole day.

He died in May 2008, and I just located a note I had received from him in April 2008.

i love you nnnnn! i would not be the man i am today if you had not been there to teach me how to have manners and be a gentleman. i still consider you my mom. you always will be.
i love you 
dougie

We had spoken on the phone a week before he died.  He was struggling with his decisions, and with getting in touch with his Dad.  I encouraged him to do so.  I don't know if he ever did. I hope so.

I had forgotten I'd kept this note -- then again, I tend to keep a lot of things..... 

Glad I found this one :)

Cleaning Up Files

My computer has long been my lifeline for a lot of things. One thing I do often is journal writing.  And sometimes, once written, it's lost and forgotten, almost as if it becomes acknowledged and I can let it go. It happens more often when I'm stressed, or some other kind of strong feeling.  I recently stumbled across some files from 2007, thought I'd share a little poetry I had written:

i sit

and feel nothing

but empty

when you're gone.

i wait

and feel hopeful

you will

return to me.

i smile

and feel joy

when i 

think of you.

i dream

and feel love

for the

man you are.

i love

and feel warmth

surround and

infuse itself within.

©LD.Poetry2007

And now I have about 40 more files to go through, figure out where it should be stored. I started this quest of locating the beginnings of a novel .... and I've found three different files, some of the versions were revisions, so back to editing and arranging, and maybe completion! 

Want Ads

In 1971, Honey Cone had a hit called Want Ads. It went "Wanted: young man, single and free... "

So what would your want ad say?

Would you list physical traits that are attractive to you??  Dark hair or light? Dark eyes or blue eyes? Tall? Facial hair?  I've had many crushes over my many years, some dark, some light, I'm not sure that matters very much.

Then there are the deal breakers: smoker? Drinker? Athletic? Couch potato?  Want kids or no kids?  Do you make a list of the things you like to do, such as hobbies?

What about character traits?  Obvious ones are kind, honest, sense of humor, and intelligence.  But how can you quantify those traits?  And do you have those same traits??

Then there's the adage that opposites attract,  but do they last?  And the other adage, that women are looking for a man like their dad? 

I was in my 30s and single when the internet started booming, and places like match .com were just starting up.  You uploaded a photo, and wrote a blurb about yourself, and included what type of mate you were looking for.  And yes, I heard of several who found mates that way, and have lasting marriages. 

Now that I'm older, has what I admire or like in a man changed?  What would I want to put in my ad?  I guess honesty and integrity would top the list. Being honest about the qualities he has, and the integrity to not just claim those qualities but actually live them. 

But I'm biased .... three strikes and I'm done looking. Doesn't stop the occasional wishing  though!

Why? Oh Why?

Much of life's troubles include the question why?  We always want the answers to this question.  As kids, we ask for something and Parent says "no" and kid asks WHY? It's been the same for many generations. Including the typical response "Because I said so"!

Over the years, I have asked many Whys?  An ex cheated, and the first question becomes why?  With the natural assumption that it had something to do with you.

My biggest why? was when my son died by suicide.  I will never get the answers to that one.  

My current why? has to do with growing up with my mother and what caused her to be the way she is.

It seems to be human nature to ask questions, to wonder why.  When we question things, sometimes we get answers,  breakthroughs, and other information. Critical thinking begins with asking why.  And yet when someone says something and the other person asks "Why?" we can feel threatened or offended. Its a simple question, and yet holds so much power behind it.

But after so many years, I have come to realize that we don't get answers to all our inevitable question of why.

But why??? 

One Step, Two Steps

Short post because my day is jam packed. So was yesterday. 

Arranged Mom's dentist appt, she went,  the tooth that was capped 8 months ago needs a root canal.  Called to make arrangements for that,  which isn't easy, because it also has to coordinate with transportation at her facility. They only run Tues and Weds.  Finally got it all arranged. 

Then a call back -- they don't take her insurance.  So now I start all over again finding a place that does this work, is within 10 miles, takes new patients, and has an opening between 10 and noon on a Tuesday or Wednesday. 

One step forward, two steps back. 

Waited an hour for an oil change, but getting checked out at the end, there was a line, a computer malfunctioned, so another 26 mins to get out of there. 

Two steps forward, one step back.

I am not a fan of making my own appts, now I make them for two of us. It put me out of sorts, so I compensated by eating Good N Plenty for dinner.  

My nephew called wanting help picking up the kids so he could work extra shifts and take a vacation next week.  I agreed this time, then it changed to picking up both kids, separate schools, separate times. And its across town from me so an hour of drive time.  And there's a small resentment burning because he doesn't visit his grandmother.   

One step forward, one step back.

I am trying to carve out time for my own writing projects. I started a novel years ago and want to get back to that. I try to carve out 20 mins a day for dealing with my mom issues. Or maybe there's some other kind of creativity I need to be trying.  

Either way, I want to try to have a life. Before its too late.  I could be in this elder care limbo for a long time. Who knows how long mom will hang in there.  One of her other residents juat had her 94th birthday.  Mom is only 88. 

Life is short.

More Hot

Phoenix and it's surrounding cities have broken heat records twice in the last 20 days. One at 117 and yesterday at 116.

Yes, its hot. And the heat takes a toll.  You can't just run around town, or maybe its just that you shouldn't.  We run our errands in the cooler morning temps. Same with chores. Getting up to do laundry, cooking, cleaning at 5am makes for a very long day.

It doesn't cool off at night, which compromises sleep.  If this keeps up .... well, its just not easy to get through. 

Tired and cranky isn't good.

When the heat of the day peaks, my chores are done in 15 min increments. Takes a while to accomplish things, but we persevere! 

Yes, we have AC. But your indoor temp can't be 50 degrees cooler than outside heat -- or maybe you can if you have the right circumstances. My thermostat is set at 83.

Arizonans aren't wimps!!!

Let It Go & Create Again

A line from an Alex Cross book:  "trauma gets passed along from generation to generation".

Is there truth in that statement??

I'm trying to mentally deal with things that are surfacing.  And at this point in life, it feels a little late to make major fixes.  So be it.  But that doesn’t stop my mind from wanting to know. I started realizing there was a problem when my mom started demanding hugs and my body rebelled. Makes the mind wonder wtf was that about? 

My mom had trauma in her life. Her mother died when she was 3. Her father remarried when she was 5. And somehow she believed in her young mind that her stepmother was going to kill her in her sleep.  I don't know what prompted the thought, or how her belief influenced her.  But I believe this period of trauma in her life affected her profoundly. 

Which in turn affected how she related to her own children.  

I know I was raised in a stable home, meaning Dad worked, mom raised us kids, there was dinner on the table each night, family vacations, etc.  We didn't have a lot of money, but we didn't do without basics.

So what triggers my body's revulsion at giving her the hugs she craves/demands? 

It's my nervous system signaling me I am not safe. If you're a reader of thrillers, that statement hits way different.  I'm 5'7" and I'm not a tiny woman. Mom is tiny and sits in a wheelchair.  My physical safety isn't the issue. It is the mental safety.  

I have found that I spend much of my mental capacity on all the coordinating that needs to be done for her.  I need to look at automating some of that. Its also time to stop trying to research and figure out WHY I feel the way I do.  I cant go back in time, I can't compare notes with my sister,  so why am I doing this? 

I have come to realize that when I am not around her, I have a capacity to do so many other things.  I have started two novels, I used to write poetry, take photographs, go on nature hikes. My creative side isn't just sleeping, it feels buried. And maybe that's a part of the frustration or anger.

Never showed my writings to my mother, except one. I wrote it in second grade when I wrote about hearing the sound of my Dad driving off to work in the Rambler. 

I need to start signalling my self that I'm ok to start being creative again.  So I'm going to sit down with pen and paper, and a timer, and try to let those free thoughts slide into my mind and onto the paper.  

Will this be a positive, helpful experiment?? I certainly hope so!!

Damn Phones

Do you ever want to throw away your phone????  

I am forever getting calls and texts I don't want. Too many and its overwhelming!!  And today I discovered there's an entire file of "spam" text messages .... something else clogging up our real life, and adding to the Google storage limits!!!!

FFS when does it stop???????

At least in "the old days", it was only stored on your desktop, and you didn't have to see/read it until you turned that PC on.

Now its one thing after another. 

Some days I just want to toss the phone. We have become acclimated to always being available. And we are cursed with so much information at our fingertips, that we are overloaded.  What started as "fun information" about friends and family has become a way to worm more advertising into our lives.

Way back in "the old days", I had cable TV as you could watch shows without advertising. Once advertising was inserted, I opted out of cable and haven’t had it since.  That's when owning movies on VCR then on DVD was great! 

Then when streaming apps started, I was willing to pay the few extra $$ a month for no ads.  If they take away that option, and corporations being what they are, it could happen. I'll opt out.

Wish I had opted out of FB when adverts started, but I liked being connected to friends and family far away.  Although I don't post there any more. 

We are so busy trying to "keep up" that they call it doom-scrolling.  I try hard to keep tech from intruding, but I still get sucked in from time to time 

Read a book, take a walk, create art. 

Too Small

My little house is too small for a lot of stuff.  Much of mom's stuff (a bookshelf and some miscellany with memories) has moved to my house because I don't know what to do with some of it.

My latest dilemma is a queen bed. Do I move the mattress and frame from her spare room into my spare room? It means I would have to get rid of the full mattress and underbed storage frame. 

Am I making too many compromises?  

Having a queen in the spare room would mean a place for my daughter and her husband to stay when they come up.  But is it worth it for once or twice a year? 

It was the same deciding to put a treadmill in the other spare room vs leaving it as a bedroom in case my granddaughter visits. The treadmill won last time.

So after some heavy thought, I opted to move the dresser in the spare bedroom into the closet, leaving enough wall space to move the bookshelves into that room, and making my living room feel less crowded and more like me.  

Its a bit of work, but I'm happy with the decision! 

And after another day..... I've completed the move, and arranged the tchotskies. I still have some cleaning out to do, and another trip to Goodwill, but I'm getting there! 

And its a very large feeling of relief having my living room back to normal. Its amazing how the weight of a room weighs a person down!