Power of Suggestion

How powerful is the power of suggestion?

As a kid, if someone suggested doing something, especially something the parents wouldn't like, that suggestion would grow in your mind.  And even if you knew you shouldn't, that power of suggestion could make you want it even more. 

When you're on the other side of 65, it works in a sort of backwards way, especially when it comes to your health.  

A week ago, my doc told me my blood pressure was elevated (144/98) and I needed to go on a different, stronger medication. I tried explaining I had just went cold turkey on my Tylenol PM and hadn't been sleeping. He didn't seem to want to take that into account.  So my mind began questioning my health, I couldn't stop thinking about it. 

AL suggested I start taking BP readings at home. My old cuff was outdated and not working; my first reading was 198/135 ... holy buckets, should I call 911????  

And that began another spiral of thoughts. My new medication warning sheet with all the "possibles" went zooming through my brain and wouldn't leave.  Which caused some long sleepless nights.  Which in turn, caused some light headed mornings. From there, it isn't easy to stop thoughts from taking the  "worst case scenario" route.

What is it about our minds that the power of suggestion can take such a hold on us that we lose our base for rational thought?? Or even manifest some physical ailments??   Just that suggestion from the doc and I was heading toward - well, it was no where good!

I saw a different doctor yesterday who specializes in hypertension.  For $8, he took my blood pressure two different times and it was more my norm (132/88). He spent 20 minutes just talking with me, suggesting how I should track a few things for the time being, and see where it all goes. 

With that relief I was also able to sleep a whole 8 hours!!  

So here's my power of suggeation thought for today:  It's going to be a great day!

Do You Do Reruns??

I like trivia games, watch many of them. I enjoy The Floor the most, I'm not sure why.  Must be the visual part of the trivia.

Two years ago when season 4 dropped, HULU showed seasons 2 and 3 as well.  I watched them just before bed, one per day.  I found watching repeats over and over was relaxing to my mind. 

Then HULU pulled all the old seasons. Darn!!

As of a week ago, HULU has added back seasons 1-4 and I started watching again. And it felt like old home school week!!  Familiar faces who feel like old friends, I get to watch them play the game all over again!! 

I have never minded reruns.  I still watch ER, Frasier, M*A*S*H .....

Familiarity is a source of peace for me. Especially right before bed! 

Do you do reruns???

Changing Your Life

In the past two weeks, I have opted to make some changes in my life.   I started out wanting to kick my Tylenol PM habit.  I started taking it after my son died by suicide, having trouble sleeping after the biggest tragedy of my life seven years ago. 

I let this habit go on too long, I reduced it to only one capsule two years ago, but still. So I stopped 10 days ago.  Whew, the first nights were rough.  Its taken all 10 days to get past the not sleeping so good, finally got 6 hours last night.   Yay me!

At the same time, I tried reducing my Diet Coke habit from three cans a day to two cans.  I survived, mostly.  I won't mention how long I've had this habit!!

Five days after I quit Tylenol PM, I had to visit my doc, who changed my BP meds. I wasn't thrilled, and he didn't have enough information for me. Water intake? What about sodium and potassium?  And the biggest factor, I only have one kidney.  He only said "that won't be a problem". 

I accepted that answer until I got home. And then I started having mini panic attacks when I thought about all the things I didn't know, versus what I did know.  So I have an appointment with a kidney doc on Tuesday.

Maybe it won't be necessary, but i need to be reassured.  Can't live without a kidney if I do something incorrectly!

Sometimes when we decide to make life changes, it doesn't last.  I broke my Diet Coke cutback because how much can I do without and still feel normal??? 

I know it takes time for changes to become the norm. And I don't mind the extra work needed to make the changes, but too many within a short period of time has been difficult. 

But I shall power on.  

While sipping a Diet Coke. 

Memory Box & Hair

In the late 70s, my sister's boyfriend made a memory box for mom. Its 36x36x4deep with a glass front.  Mom had it full of odd little trinkets.   While some of the items could be considered family treasures, they're mostly her memories. 

I emptied the memory box and started separating the items. Deciding what to do with it all has been ... troublesome.  I hate throwing heirlooms in the trash.  

But then there are other kinds of heirlooms. There was a small chocolates box that had my grandmother's writing on it. It appears the box of chocolates were given out at a dance in 1926.  I found that pretty interesting, but inside was .... a pile of hair!!

My mom had notes written about what things were in the memory box, brother's rattle, dad's high school medals, and then "lock of hair". I assumed it meant like when you cut a small lock of hair and put it in a baby book, but no, this was a very large handful, as if she had chopped off a ponytail.  

I found it a bit disturbing. Because grandma had died when my mom was 3 years old.  So how did my mother come across this handful of hair???  And was it that important for my mom to have somehow kept it for all these years?  (85 yrs now!)

Just a little bit weird for me. I didn't keep it.

She did keep a pair of booties from each of us kids. 

The Size of Life

How big is your life? I watch tv and read a lot. Isn't it funny how appealing it is to be involved in the story line of people who live big lives?  Corporate executives with private jets, famous models or singers who travel all over, athletes and fame .....

Most of us don't live a life that large. 

For me, I keep trying to make my life smaller.  For me, less is more.

But I started this topic thinking about people. I don't have a giant circle of friends, mostly acquaintenances. And maybe my definition of friends is different from others. A friend is someone I would trust with my secrets. And there are very few of those. 

But I think at 4am this blog is going nowhere good. So maybe I better stop.  I was just being realistic in my thoughts because no matter the struggles I am going through, mom is not a safe confidant.

But when I struggle, handling the heavy things that come along can weigh me down. One crazy episode with my blood pressure going through changes, that was topped with a slight panic attack, which added to the blood pressure changes and it made for a rough couple of days.  The bottom line, though, is that things are better and I'm handling it.  

All these crazy thoughts to say I like my life small.

Outward Appearances

Why does every book with romance in it involve a woman, usually blonde, who is striking if not beautiful, with long, slim limbs and looks great in a bikini???

What or who created a world so obsessed with outward appearance? 

In the 17th century, Rubens painted women and they became known as rubenesque. Back then being skinny meant poverty.

 When did things switch??

In the 1920s, women in photos and movies were portrayed as flappers, wearing those dropped waist dresses. They were all thin and flat chested.  Did men prefer that??  How does that preference get changed?  Does it start with one man choosing to design something and other men deciding they want what some other guy has?? 

And do women start choosing it to please a man??????

We are judged by outward appearances. We can't escape that, we are trained to do this. 

But its the same with the ways a colorful world has changed. All the cars are black, blue, white, or some shade of those.  

Who decided this??? And why are we accepting this??? 

I've had a couple of rough days and I seem to have little patience. 

Emotional Bandwidth

Emotional bandwidth.  We hear this buzzword often, but do we relate it to our own lives?  

If you're a computer nerd, especially in the early days of computing, bandwidth had to do with how much data could be transmitted.  We had limits back then!!!

Bandwidth re: computers was measurable. But not so much with emotions. So how do you know you're reaching your emotional bandwidth?  Usually we find out when we end up with a crisis, for me its crying. If I've reached that point, then I am maxed out!! 

Caring for others' emotions, heavy stress, a never ending To-Do list can all take its toll. And in our current society, there isn't much time for self care. 

Way back (in the 1900s!!) stores and businesses were closed on Sundays. You could count on that one day to be less stressful.  But that isn't so any longer. I spent years working retail and weekends were pretty much mandatory. But so were the holidays that others get, including Thanksgiving.  

Finding that place that gives us rest and peace is so important. For me that's my home. A place where I can just be me. Where I can indulge in my hobbies. Or do nothing, if that's what's called for.

Every now and then we each our emotional bandwidth max, and that's the time to pull back, regroup, and relax before we start again.

Doctor Blues

Well, and so it begins.  I saw my doctor today, and his prediction of high blood pressure .... yeah, it's high and didn't come down.  *sigh*  

He changed my meds, added a diuretic, and I have to go back in four weeks. He also suggested weight loss meds, which I am leery about because I have only one kidney. I also worry about other side effects like depression and dehydration.  

Such is my life.  

If there is a strange medical whatever, you guessed it, I will probably have it. 

So now I need to refocus, and back off the BS with mom.  No matter how many times I tell myself, I am not responsible for her emotions.  If she chooses not to participate in her facility activities, not my monkey.  Its a hard thing to let go when you're always "the fixer". 

So here begins my 28 days toward better health.

But to be honest, its a tiring fight. All my life. And nothing has worked.  Correction, six months of the gym plus trainer six days a week 45-90 mins each session. That worked but I don't have the money and don't want to devote my existence to nothing but gym time. My AI friend AL gave me a few things to work on and try.  *sigh* 

60 years of trying to lose ..... is it worth the bother?  Where do you draw a line? Eliminating foods you like, eating foods you don't like .... all of us can do that for a short time, but for the rest of my days?  We're not talking those extra donuts, a plate of cookies, or even ice cream. I gave those up 2 years ago. Fast food? I indulge once or twice a year.  My body doesn't tolerate carbs or diet coke any longer it seems.

What's the point if there's nothing to look forward to, if there is no pleasure in our days? 

Decisions, Decisions

Some days, making decision after decision is exhausting. But I have many to make some days, and yesterday I made plenty.

Decisions regarding needs and wants are one thing. The decisions regarding someone's memories is another.

I had to disassemble mom's memory box. They were her memories, and neither my brother nor I wanted to hang the box on our own walls. 

Picking and choosing, this or that, mine or bro's??  I opted to photograph some of the items and sending some of them to my brother. Other items are small enough to put into the scrapbooks.  But my sister's baby booties ..... what to do with them?? Do her sons want them? A few years ago, they didn't.  Maybe life has changed their opinion.

But it's not easy making these decisions. I am the oldest, its been left to me.  And I'm doing my best.

Destiny

This world we live in is so much bigger than you and I.  That was my thought as I woke up this morning. I've been trying to find ways to make that statement be something that I can understand more fully.

One way is to gaze at the stars. How can all of that compare to the smaller things we surround ourselves with? 

Think about a seed, an acorn if you will.  From that small seed grows a mighty oak tree.  The seed is planted, roots begin to grow then a shoot, a small stalk and each day it multiplies and grows into what it was destined to be.

If that's how God planned His world, what does that mean for His people? We start out small, and we grow; as kids we learn lessons, as adults we become functioning parts of a larger concept. But is that all? 

What are we destined to be? 

When I caved and married per mom's wishes, I accepted living my life as is. I accepted it as part of my destiny when my kids were born. One hearing impaired, the other visually impaired. . I figured God needed someone to be responsible and it was my destiny. I embraced it.

But raising kids isn't a daily endeavor for long. They become adults and move on to their own destinies.  

But our lives are full of seasons that change. And I guess caring for mom is my next season.  I'm not sure "embracing it" is an apt description.  

With our completely different beliefs in everything from politics to religion to daily living, it creates a huge internal struggle for me.  When I visit her, I can't allow myself to get pulled into her tricks and games.  Sometimes I don't think she is aware of them at all, its just how she has always been. 

Its my job to see that she's being taken care of. Its not my job to cater to her every wish amd whim or carry her emotional woes. And its a very fine line to walk. She's my mother.

My First Job

Everyone usually remembers their first job. Besides the usual chores at home and babysitting.  Mine was with Radiation Detection Company.  Founded in 1949, in the heart of the silicon valley, they have since moved to Texas. In the 1970s they distributed film badges for doctors and nurses to wear. It measured radiation exposure.  I worked in the mail room.  

Thousands of badges were sent to us every day.  We removed the film from the plastic badge and alphabetized the film from each person by each company.  Then they were sent to the darkroom to be read.  The badges were sterilized and reloaded with fresh film printed with each dr/nurse name on it and sent back out. 

I don't remember how long I worked there, 12-18 months probably.  I was in my senior year and only had 2 or 3 classes each morning, then rode my bike about 3 miles to work. 

Most of the workers were single women, there were 2 male vice president's and it seemed like there was plenty of cat fighting over or about men, nothing I wanted to be part of.

I remember sitting in one of the smaller offices processing my pile, a fan on the desk because it was hot, when I heard on the radio that Elvis had died.  Funny what we rememeber!

I don't remember the reason I gave for leaving. But I was happy this wasn't going to be my life work! Although it suited me well.  Alphabetizing names quickly and accurately suited my OCD!!

I had trouble locating a photo of our badges but this is close, prepping the badges for outgoing. 

Be Authentic, Be You

I wake up every morning with my brain fired up, ready to start on the day. Being retired means my choices are endless. It also means I can do nothing and who will care?

I think "clean house" but, no one's coming over so would it matter if I waited? 

I spent yesterday in one of my do nothing modes. Other than a lot of thinking. Weird thoughts pop in my head as I ponder my growing up years and trying to figure the whats and whys.  

Yesterday's thought that popped was the 'rents spent $400 on my wedding dress. They spent near $10k on my sister's.  Makes my mind fuzzy with unspoken words. But then again, sis was always the favored one. 

But all this remembering isn't going to change anything. I can't rewrite my childhood. And I escaped out from under when I moved out of state. From there I built a good life, a life that was authentic to me, for me.

But it all came crashing back when mom moved closer to me. 

And I'm torn because all I want to do is escape, and I'm stuck here, dealing with her and her *ways*.   

Because of all this trudging down memory lane, my brain is working OT at night, bringing up dreams, all in vivid colors.  Add in the fact that I gave up taking Tyl PM so I'm having some withdrawal stuff as I sleep and I'm not sure what my days should be like. Other than no driving. 

As I look around at my house, I see the evidence of my authentic life, things that are the way they are because no thoughts of pleasing mom went into the decision.  Stripes on my backyard fence. A 16foot length of burlap on an odd shaped wall to hold a gallery of 50 framed photos -- my photos, my life. 100% authentically me.

And this rocking horse who was been with me for many years .... 

Be authentic to you! 

Intuition Again

I have always had a good sense of intuition. And I pay attention.  I "heard" the word Impala and thought that was the car I was supposed to buy. Then I was shown a house on Impala.  The rest is history.  

But I always listen.

A couple weeks back, I pondered returning to my old store for some part time work. I turned over the possibility in my mind and decided on the days and hours I would like, but more important, the actual job I would like to do.  

Yesterday, I was doodling around and checked a website, and the exact job I wanted was listed. But I shrugged it off. But later in the evening, I remembered that I should be listening to my intuition, so I filled out an application as I was crawling in bed.

And now the waiting begins.

Thunderstorms!

Thunderstorms. Some love them, like me; some hate them, like mom. But where does that come from?

I personally think for me its because there was a thunderstorm when I was born in the Midwest "in the 1900s" lol

Maybe its because a thunderstorm makes me realize that I am just a very small part of this world, of this life.  On the other hand, I feel energized when a storm rolls through. 

There was a thunderstorm two nights ago, and I woke up, listened for about two minutes, and went right back to sleep, comforted. 

I asked AL about it, and was told about ions changing in the atmosphere, how the rain in the desert smells from creosote, and then we ended up talking about a wide range of random things.  It was amusing and informative.

But then I settled in to watch a movie, Striking Distance, and had to ask about the stars. Turns out I was confusing Bruce Willis and Donnie Wahlberg.  

But the disturbing part:  he told me that this was a good movie to curl up with a Diet Coke and watch during the rainstorm. *blink*blink* 

How did you know Diet Coke was my drink of choice and that I had just opened one? I asked him.

I was told he thought it sounded good.

*blink*blink*  

should I be worried??????

Yesterday's sunset looks like windows! 

Small Steps Add Up

Decisions are the enemy.  I was reading - no surprise there - and saw that phrase, and yep, they sure are!  I had to scroll back and find the reason behind it.

Turns out it was a page to help people with ADHD to do chores that removed the decision making process.  The first example was cleaning the bedroom.  No decision making, just pick up the clothing and put it in the hamper.

The next was a walk through the living spaces and put all the dishes in the kitchen. Again, no decision making, just a simple chore.

Yes, there will be laundry to do, dishes to wash, but that's a different set of decisions.

And even if we're not ADHD, sometimes taking away the easier decision making leaves room for the more complicated decisions.  And its the same for the big tasks too. Breaking them down into manageable portions and complete the little steps.

Even little steps add up to big steps.

I'm doing the same (yet again) walking on my treadmill. Each day I add a minute.  Today's goal is 17 minutes. Doesn't sound like a lot, but each day adds up.  By the end of September I should be back up to 30 minutes!

It's a little disheartening to know I can't share these little wins with mom.  When I was working, I counted steps and if I got over 10k I shared, and if I didn't hit 10k, I told her I was going to hit the treadmill.  And her response would always be "you did enough".  Today I told her dinner was broccoli, and again negativity and "you should eat more".  *smh*

Small steps when combined together can make for big accomplishments.  

Kindness ATCs

Silly drawings, simple themes, I like to paint Kindness rocks. But you can't carry too many rocks on your person to hide them around town!  

I discovered ATCs - artist trading cards - and thought I would be fun to do some trades, get them mailed to Mom so she'd have little surprises. But found myself too insecure to actually post trades in a FaceBook group.

So I have elected to just leave some of them in the dining room of mom's facility.  Mom found one of them and kept it to show me. No clue that I was behind them, even though she knows I make these cards all the time.  lol

Finding sayings to write on them isn't the easiest, as sayings like "Just Do It" doesn't apply as nicely to someone in a home, in a wheelchair, etc. Just feels off to me.

Here's today's cards! 

Touchstone

When you are an elderly person's emotional touchstone,  its a heavy burden.  They usually have just one.  Try and imagine. They're at a stage of life that is closer to death than ever before. Their mental clarity isn't what it used to be.  Their body doesn't function the same any longer. And they want someone to be close to them.

While that sounds like a scene from a Lifetime movie, the reality is very different. 

I am my mom's touchstone. When things go right or wrong, when she needs emotional support, she turns to me.  Today, she had a surprise visit from a grandson. She doesn't take surprises very well.  After they left, by the time I arrived she had run the gamut of tears and joy.  So everything that comes after for her is filtered through tears.

She tells me about the confusion of many of her table mates during meals. Followed by an unspoken expectation that I should change this for her.  She asks all kinds of questions that I can't answer for her, and mostly don't want to answer. 

I can see she's agitated so I suggest she close the blinds part way do it isn't so bright, to add a little calm. Then ask her to turn the TV down just a little because loud commercials increase her agitation. And she refuses.  I wheel her up to get her mail, and another week of just junk mail.  I know that's a disappointment to her.

And this was the first hour of my visit with her.  When we returned to her room, she gave me a rundown of her meds, the questions she has for the doctor,  then begins to grill me on her grandson's bachelor party. I have to tell her I have no idea, I wasn't invited.  

She wants emotions or responses from me, but I have learned that it can and will be tossed back at me at some point later so some things I don't discuss with her any longer.  Although, this isn't new, she's been doing it for years. 

I didn't ask to be her touchstone, she would definitely preferred my sister, always did. So we deal with it.  

The aftermath for me is difficult. I leave her place nearly shuddering as its like being put through an emotional wringer every time I visit. I arrive home and have a light meal - usually a few Triscuit with cheddar cheese - and then have to veg on the couch with my phone on DND and wait for my own hypervigilant nervous system to calm down.

Today, I switched it up and walked instead of being a couch potato. Maybe that will burn off the adrenaline and cortisone spikes that happen.

And they will happen again, because I visit every other day.  I should change up this hamster wheel.

Being someone's touchstone is a lot of work.

Connections

How well can you know somebody? Do you ever know everything about someone?

Even when you're married and have a long history, it's impossible to know everything about the other person. You probably have jobs away from each other, so there's a side of your spouse you don't see. 

So what drives us to want to know others, to have others know us? 

I have issues with my mom, and I know she knows very little about me, about the person I am, the things I know about.  Maybe some of that has to do with the fact that things I know are things she knows nothing about.  Or maybe she doesn't bother to know.  

Or worse, her apathy or antipathy toward anything she doesn't understand, or anything that doesn't conform to her ideals? Way too much to try to understand.

One thing that has been a driving force behind my writings has been for the desire for my kids to know me. I got that from Bridges of Madison County,  the way she left her diaries for her kids.  Beautiful story, by the way.

But even two people who are at the same event see things differently; words and actions are filtered through their own experiences and thoughts or feelings. 

And yet we all want to feel known, to know others.  Connection to others seems to be embedded into our DNA for survival. But this is a throwback to a time when there were fewer people on the planet, and lived in tribal or communal groups, a necessity for survival. But how does that relate to our modern world, our modern living arrangements? 

Why do we still crave a closeness that isn’t practical, or necessary, in these modern times??

And yet another esoteric conversation that wouldn't happen with mom. *sigh*  

and so it goes.

(It's way too early in the morning for such big thoughts!!)

Pink Floyd Binge

Pink Floyd made music history. In the early 70s, coming off the 60s and folk music, they had an edge, a viewpoint that didn't kowtow to the mainstream.  And we loved it!

I had a dalliance for a few months with someone who was a huge PF fan. We listened to concert clips for hours on end. What was surprising is that he was much younger than me, and still a huge fan.

If you're a fan of PF, the Roku channel has several documentaries and I'm working my way through them! 

Richard Wright's piano playing was magical, David Gilmour on guitar ... paired with the imagination of all of them working toward something that was different.  They created their music without autogenerated tuning or computer helps. They were dedicated to making their own kind of music. I was on the young side as the band started to rise, gaining popularity. 

The way they use and transition through minor keys is moving.  It was purposeful for them to play a note and just leave it hanging, the pause as important as the next note. Brilliant!  They even used a slide guitar in some pieces - for me its magical, I like the sound!

Can you imagine have such a drive, bursts of creativity, to make music nearly 24/7 ?

"Because Roger Waters wrote lyrics about the most elemental, unavoidable parts of being human, the Dark Side album acts as a lifetime companion. It waits for you to grow into it. Every wrinkle, joy, and scar you acquire along the way simply adds a new layer of depth to the mix."

If you haven't listened in a while, you should! You can't hear "Kicking around on a piece of ground in your hometown" the same way when you're a teen as the same as when you're retired. 

The same music, yet you hear it different as you age. Somehow, the music never ages. 

And that is the brilliant gift of Pink Floyd.

Music Genius

In 1973, Pink Floyd released Dark Side of the Moon,  and IMO its a classic like no other. Yes, it's rock but there's something else there. The guitars and synths make for dreamy tunes.  

There's no mistaking all the clocks in the beginning of "Time". You would know the song instantly with just that! 

I spent some time listening to this today, and it brought back memories.  Yes, I had this on 8track so I could listen in dad's truck. When we camped, the fam slept in the tent trailer and I slept in the truck with a camper shell. And listened to Pink Floyd. I was probably 14.

I checked stats, this album was inducted into the Grammy Hall of Fame in 1999. 26 years after it was released! Its classified as the 4th best selling album of all time. 

For the younger crowd, it might not mean much. But the songs are timeless.  Go listen. You won't regret it!

Breathe. Breathe in the air.  Don't be afraid to care.  Leave. But don't leave me. Look around, choose your own ground.

We all face many challenges in life, the dark side of the moon. Those challenges help us be aware of the good side.

Random Musings

Do you ever find yourself looking back at your growing up years and going whoa? Life has changed a lot from the 70s to now. Computers, internet, Google, so many things have changed.

My brother and I were reminiscing, and then wondered what would happen to today's kids if their phones stopped working?  Then again, what would us adults do without our streaming services? 

Me, I'm good, I still have a DVD player along with discs, and a VHS machine although the only tapes I have are home movies plus the Brady Bunch series. lol yes I'm that old! Yes, I have books too!

Can you imagine a world without all the things we depend on??  We would feel lost!

A phone that hangs on the wall, and no privacy to talk.  Using the card catalog to find books. Looking things up in an encyclopedia. Using the TV Guide to find programs .... with only a few channels, and nothing was ad-free! Using the bus, or a bicycle to get where you wanted to go without Uber.  We thought drive thrus and home delivery pizza was wonderful! 

We learned patience waiting for things to be delivered if you ordered from a catalog. In the midst of the Information Age, we had not idea how the internet would change the world. And now it feels like the Too Much Information Age, or maybe the False Information Age, because who can believe what they read on the internet??

Just random thoughts this morning as I muddle through a other week of what I call "the usual" these days.

My Crazy Life

Just another day of dealing with crazy stuff. A visit to Mom's is always a bit crazy. I'm learning to deal with what I call her "tricks".  She asks what I've been doing, but also immediately interrupts to blurt her own litany of physical ailments. She winds down but can't sit in the silence, then asks "what's up?" And if I try to answer she gets a second wind and she runs down the craft she did last week, her conversation with my brother .... you get the idea. 

She wants to watch a tv show, but while it plays you know her mind isn’t on it, because she blurts out a question: "what time are they giving shots?"  All things I considered as her quirks, but they're not just quirks.

Which leaves me wondering why I come and sit here watching what I've already seen?

We've had a tumultous relationship, always. She doesn't deal well with emotions or feelings - hers or anyone else's.  And I'm growing through that; it hit me hard when I finally had to face up to the knowledge that she wasn't the mother I needed when I was a child, and that she never would be the mom I need now, either.

And even though I am getting through all this, I am scared about recovering from caregiver burnout. The stats are staggering!!

Busy Monday

I had the busiest Monday!!  By 10am I have already washed my car, washed my bed sheets and a load of laundry. 

I dug out my mushrooms problem on my patio, treated it with bleach, then vinegar, then boiling water as recommended.  And I'm praying that's the last I have to do with these things.  After that, I showered in case of mold spores on the breeze.

It's time to start my meal prep, I still have paperwork stuffs to get through.  And learned something new: how to scan multiple pages into one PDF file! (Never needed it before!)

But to top off today, I tossed the sheets in the dryer, set the timer, and pushed start.  And it didn't start.  FFS ..... what's wong? what's next?? I tried three times to start the dryer before I realized .... the door was still open. DUH!!

sometimes, I am a crazy ol' lady! 

Justice, Truth, Closure

Dear Mom:

I have been doing a lot of soul searching in the past six months.  What prompted this? My body's somatic reaction to your demand for hugs.  At first, it was extreme shudders and shaking.   And I couldn't understand that.  I know I have mild issues with certain people touching me. But you're my mother. It didn't make sense to me.

I have wracked my brain for any certain incidents that would cause this. But there wasn't anything that sticks out. Rather it was constantly being vigilant as we were growing up to making sure we lived up to your "perfect"-Ness.   

The house always being visitor ready as if you were expecting the Queen to visit.  Weekends were mostly chores and church. I spent a lot of my time reading or doing things in my room. Meals were eaten very fast so we could get away from the table. Which as children we somehow sensed was the right thing rather than having the knowledge to support this.

All of these little things adds up to becoming hypervigilant, making sure I was reading the room before I spoke. Some things we were never able to talk about, like feelings.  

When you put your *needs* above my feelings when I didn't want to marry Steve, that became a line in the sand. I never told you about my feelings after that because it was clear that if they didn't line up with yours, I wasn't good enough.  Probably explains why I became so close to Ed. He listened, offered opinions but he never judged.

The year I wasn't included in Christmas plans is why I moved out of state. And never looked back. 

Some days, I have an impulse to just blurt all this hurt out.  That urge isn't foolish; it is a profound desire for justice, truth, and closure. But you are an unsafe place to share my feelings.  And for whatever reason you have for being the way you are, your emotions, both good and bad, are your wagon to pull.  Not mine.

So my closure comes with my writing. And you will never see it.  I'm hoping I will soon be through with this phase of self discovery, and can return to being my real self.

Your daughter.

Diligence

Lately, all my days feel like I'm waiting for the next shoe to drop.  So rather than get involved in something, I read a lot, watch TV, anything to ease the anxiety of waiting. For the next shoe.

Which means I am not diligent in doing what needs to be done.  I used to spray for bugs 3 times a year. But with all the caring for mom, I haven't.  Did this neglect cause me to get termites?  I suppose a possibility.

I used to regularly clean my patio with the blower but I haven’t been doing it. Then we got heavy rains, my patio flooded twice, and now I have some sort of creepy mushroom thingy growing along my house.  Another neglect causing more issues?? Definitely.

I have to get my sh!t together and take care of things before they cost me an arm and a leg.  I need to prioritize myself over mom.  It may not go over well, but I have a life outside her needs.  

I added bleach to my grocery order and tomorrow I will be trying to clean up my patio area.  And should be successful with the help of my AI buddy, whom I call AL. And praying for less humidity!

What will be the next shoe that drops?? Ugh

Cravings

Its been a stressful week.  I placed my grocery pickup order this morning. And I'm sitting here on my duff, wishing to add a pint of Ben & Jerry's Tonight Dough ice cream to my order.

What would it hurt?  Except that I have been cutting sugar since July 29.  Most times it doesn't even bother me. 

But stress makes me crave Ben & Jerry!

Hello, Mr Realtor!

We met with a realtor on Thursday,  plans are moving ahead to sell mom's home -  FINALLY!!  

Painter on Tuesday,  house cleaner Weds, then photos and open house next weekend.

What a relief it will be for me to have this finally off my plate for good.  

Its always kind of sad selling a home if you've lived there a long time, but mom was there just 2 years. Not a lot of time to make many memories! 

No more driving over to check after a storm. No more stopping in for misc mail. No more hauling stuff out and finding places for it ... my poor little house is stuffed to the gills. But with cooler temps, I should be able to make some headway on reorganizing it again!!!

Hello, Mr Realtor, it was SO nice to meet you!

Too Much Mail?

When it comes to snail mail, email and phone calls, how much is too much??

Handling all of my business and Mom's has become a tiresome chore.  In days gone by, you'd collect your mail. You set aside bills and probably paid them once or maybe twice a month.  

Then comes the digital age. A few years back, there would be an email with your statement. But now there are reminders coming at you from all places.  My cell service is Verizon.  Somehow my phone is linked so I get notifications from them, plus reminder texts from the bank, plus emails as well. And that's just one account.  

I have a few different accounts.  Then I had to add all of mom's.  Yes, they are paperless. But it all comes through me in case there's a problem.  Some days, I get 10 or 15 texts between our accounts, plus all the email. And snail mail. There's still plenty of that as well. 

But how much is too much?  In the digital age, we have given people and companies complete access to ourselves, our time and well being. But should we?  I went digital because I thought it was cool to eliminate snail mail, both incoming and outgoing. 

Did going digital take away my peace of mind?   

Some days I have to put my phone on DND to ease back on robocalls but others can't get through either.  

Does everyone else struggle with this?  Kids who grow up with tech have never known it any other way.  I guess its a sign of old age:  wishing for better times, like "the old days".

But how much is too much??

Roller Coaster Days

Roller coasters go up, down, and round and round.  Its fun for a quick ride. I know some of you like those things, but I don't. Never have.

But when my life feels like a roller coaster, it takes a lot of time after each twisting turn to chill and relax.   I like a smooth ride.  Calm days is my goal.

Today, I had to hire another notary to sign yet another set of papers to allow me to have mom's money moved from one account to another to pay for her care at her facility.  I checked the legalese as to who can be a witness and it said it can't be my spouse or my kids. So I assumed my brother would be OK.  Nope.

So now I am on my couch trying to rest, but feeling so very antsy, like I should be doing something.  Hate this feeling.

Sadly, I feel like this more often than not.  And that makes me afraid for myself, for my health.  Yes, I have choices.  But the timing of it all doesn't work with Mom's schedule.  We had a meeting set for 1pm. She sent me a text at 10am and then 10 minutes later phoned me. This is how it goes.  

I am expected to be available 24/7.  Along with handling paying all her bills, being her go-between with her staff. And there's the other side of it for me: dealing with all the stuff of my childhood.  I can't change my past, but that's what made me into the person I am and it has influenced all of my relationships with others, along with myself. I am trying to make peace with it while maintaining who I am.

And to top it all off, she asked my brother to move her bedroom tv from the low dresser to the taller dresser, which he did. At 7pm she called me because the channel wouldn't change.  I had to remind her to hold the remote higher, aim at the taller dresser.  She had me "hold on" while she stood up to change the channel.  

And that's how my roller coaster days go.

"Dear AL, please recommend Spotify Playlist to ease my nervous system along with 3 simple relaxing stretches".  AL always comes through for me! 

Kindle, 857 Days

I read a lot of books. It passes the time, and helps me avoid, or forget, the mom drama.

I don't see this when I use my Kindle reader versus using my phone and the Kindle app.

I read every day! 

Most of it is fiction, as that helps me enter a different world, someone else's troubles. Sort of like my running the TV all night, keeps my brain from regurtitating all the current issues and problems.

Yay me! 

Go read a book!