I wake up every morning with my brain fired up, ready to start on the day. Being retired means my choices are endless. It also means I can do nothing and who will care?
I think "clean house" but, no one's coming over so would it matter if I waited?
I spent yesterday in one of my do nothing modes. Other than a lot of thinking. Weird thoughts pop in my head as I ponder my growing up years and trying to figure the whats and whys.
Yesterday's thought that popped was the 'rents spent $400 on my wedding dress. They spent near $10k on my sister's. Makes my mind fuzzy with unspoken words. But then again, sis was always the favored one.
But all this remembering isn't going to change anything. I can't rewrite my childhood. And I escaped out from under when I moved out of state. From there I built a good life, a life that was authentic to me, for me.
But it all came crashing back when mom moved closer to me.
And I'm torn because all I want to do is escape, and I'm stuck here, dealing with her and her *ways*.
Because of all this trudging down memory lane, my brain is working OT at night, bringing up dreams, all in vivid colors. Add in the fact that I gave up taking Tyl PM so I'm having some withdrawal stuff as I sleep and I'm not sure what my days should be like. Other than no driving.
As I look around at my house, I see the evidence of my authentic life, things that are the way they are because no thoughts of pleasing mom went into the decision. Stripes on my backyard fence. A 16foot length of burlap on an odd shaped wall to hold a gallery of 50 framed photos -- my photos, my life. 100% authentically me.
And this rocking horse who was been with me for many years ....
Be authentic to you!
No comments:
Post a Comment