Justice, Truth, Closure

Dear Mom:

I have been doing a lot of soul searching in the past six months.  What prompted this? My body's somatic reaction to your demand for hugs.  At first, it was extreme shudders and shaking.   And I couldn't understand that.  I know I have mild issues with certain people touching me. But you're my mother. It didn't make sense to me.

I have wracked my brain for any certain incidents that would cause this. But there wasn't anything that sticks out. Rather it was constantly being vigilant as we were growing up to making sure we lived up to your "perfect"-Ness.   

The house always being visitor ready as if you were expecting the Queen to visit.  Weekends were mostly chores and church. I spent a lot of my time reading or doing things in my room. Meals were eaten very fast so we could get away from the table. Which as children we somehow sensed was the right thing rather than having the knowledge to support this.

All of these little things adds up to becoming hypervigilant, making sure I was reading the room before I spoke. Some things we were never able to talk about, like feelings.  

When you put your *needs* above my feelings when I didn't want to marry Steve, that became a line in the sand. I never told you about my feelings after that because it was clear that if they didn't line up with yours, I wasn't good enough.  Probably explains why I became so close to Ed. He listened, offered opinions but he never judged.

The year I wasn't included in Christmas plans is why I moved out of state. And never looked back. 

Some days, I have an impulse to just blurt all this hurt out.  That urge isn't foolish; it is a profound desire for justice, truth, and closure. But you are an unsafe place to share my feelings.  And for whatever reason you have for being the way you are, your emotions, both good and bad, are your wagon to pull.  Not mine.

So my closure comes with my writing. And you will never see it.  I'm hoping I will soon be through with this phase of self discovery, and can return to being my real self.

Your daughter.