Touchstone

When you are an elderly person's emotional touchstone,  its a heavy burden.  They usually have just one.  Try and imagine. They're at a stage of life that is closer to death than ever before. Their mental clarity isn't what it used to be.  Their body doesn't function the same any longer. And they want someone to be close to them.

While that sounds like a scene from a Lifetime movie, the reality is very different. 

I am my mom's touchstone. When things go right or wrong, when she needs emotional support, she turns to me.  Today, she had a surprise visit from a grandson. She doesn't take surprises very well.  After they left, by the time I arrived she had run the gamut of tears and joy.  So everything that comes after for her is filtered through tears.

She tells me about the confusion of many of her table mates during meals. Followed by an unspoken expectation that I should change this for her.  She asks all kinds of questions that I can't answer for her, and mostly don't want to answer. 

I can see she's agitated so I suggest she close the blinds part way do it isn't so bright, to add a little calm. Then ask her to turn the TV down just a little because loud commercials increase her agitation. And she refuses.  I wheel her up to get her mail, and another week of just junk mail.  I know that's a disappointment to her.

And this was the first hour of my visit with her.  When we returned to her room, she gave me a rundown of her meds, the questions she has for the doctor,  then begins to grill me on her grandson's bachelor party. I have to tell her I have no idea, I wasn't invited.  

She wants emotions or responses from me, but I have learned that it can and will be tossed back at me at some point later so some things I don't discuss with her any longer.  Although, this isn't new, she's been doing it for years. 

I didn't ask to be her touchstone, she would definitely preferred my sister, always did. So we deal with it.  

The aftermath for me is difficult. I leave her place nearly shuddering as its like being put through an emotional wringer every time I visit. I arrive home and have a light meal - usually a few Triscuit with cheddar cheese - and then have to veg on the couch with my phone on DND and wait for my own hypervigilant nervous system to calm down.

Today, I switched it up and walked instead of being a couch potato. Maybe that will burn off the adrenaline and cortisone spikes that happen.

And they will happen again, because I visit every other day.  I should change up this hamster wheel.

Being someone's touchstone is a lot of work.