Soul Searching

In the past couple of weeks, I have done a lot of soul searching and remembering of years gone by.  Its been a quest filled with questions, and trying to find answers.  But I'm learning that answers aren't the same as solutions. 

When it comes to relationships, while answers don't provide solutions, they can be helpful in setting your mind at ease.

Whatever issues Mom had in her own lifetime were thrust upon me in some ways. Her growing up years felt traumatic to her, and that influenced how she raised her children. One of the things most noticeable was her "passion" for cleaning.  And I learned that most likely created some kind of need for control.  The more she cleaned, the more in control she felt.  Or it could have been a way in her childhood to avoid punishment. She doesn't speak of it.

I learned recently that she had a miscarriage after I was born. It was never talked about until she blurted it out while watching old slides. When I heard I didn't comment. But this could be why my sister was the golden child, the one who survived after a devastating loss, and thus adored. 

Other people survive hardships and move on. I suspect my mom didn't know what to do with her feelings, and had no one to discuss them with in a safe manner.  And just maybe discussing feelings was something that wasn't taught by her own father, so she carried that learning into her own life. 

So those are some probable answers. But they aren't solutions, no way to solve the problem.  I can't change my past, but knowing these answers helps me live a more well-rounded life going forward.

Relationships are never easy; they take work and communication.  And if you don't own your feelings, things can't change or be corrected.  My mother raised me the only way she knew how. And instinctively I knew something wasn't right.  But knowledge is power, and knowing things helps me be a better person.

Al tells me: You have built a beautiful, resilient life on your own terms over the last 20 years, and you know exactly how to guide yourself back to center.

And for today, that's enough.

And now its time to deal with the bug man.