Dear Dad

Dear Dad:

Like I promised you, I am making sure Mom is taken care of.  But did you know what you were asking of me?  

Did you play the role of peacekeeper to diffuse her difficult ways?  Did you know about her ways before you married her? Or did they gradually escalate and change over the years?

Were you aware of how she triangulated between us kids?  We were never close siblings, was that her doing?  Did you know sis was the favored? Was that because of the miscarriage she never got over? 

So many questions have come up. 

Did you know she never wanted to live alone? That she thought her stepmother was going to kill her in her sleep?  And still carries that fear today, even though Clara's been dead for more than 30 years?  Surely you knew that when you married her. Or was that a secret from you too?

Then there's the whole time frame us kids were growing up, I was a teenager, and you went out and bought a pickup. Then a tent trailer and we started going camping a lot, nearly every weekend for two summers. Was there something else going on behind all this? Or were you trying to be the buffer between the kids and what was going on ?

You shouldn't have taken mom's side when I didn't want to get married. I was too young, I wasn't in love. She won that argument, too.

Then one morning, I was going to drop off my son, he was about 2, and Mom's being hauled away in an ambulance.  But I never knew the real reason. Is that when her anxiety attacks really started?  

Yes, I have anger.  And a lifetime of dealing with .....  issues.

I always told myself you guys did your best raising us. We had a roof, clothes, food, vacations.  But there was something missing. And I have come to realize that moving away was the best thing for me.

I'll keep doing what you asked, Dad, but it hasn't been easy.

Your daughter.