I have always been different from those around me. I've felt that way for most of my life, and have spent many hours trying to figure out why? what's wrong with me?
Never easy questions; as a teenager, having to deal with those kinds of questions along with the usual angst that comes with teenage years was difficult.
But I survived those years.
In my life, I've married 3 times, each of them lasting 7-9 years. But the same questions came up after each divorce: Why? What's wrong with me?
It's taken me a lot of years, soul searching and lots of reading to find answers. I don't have a lot of them, but a few things come to mind as I'm reading an article or a book. But today, I read an article that hit home, one of those A-Ha moments!
While I don't claim any supernatural powers, or anything else weird, I consider myself an intuitive person, highly sensitive, close to being an empath even. I can sense things about people when I allow myself to be open and receptive. (I've since learned that I don't always have to be open... ) I tend to feel physical things another person is feeling when I'm close to them. Not physically close, but allowing my feelings, my vulnerability to be close to another person. Like my mom, I'm close to her even though she lives 800 miles away -- when she has back trouble, or her elbow bothers her, I feel it as well. (Not always a fun thing, because she can rest when needed, I just have to keep on keeping on at work!)
There's one event in my life that sticks out about the knowing another person's feelings. I was in my 20s, and close to a male co-worker. Not romantically close - he was married, had kids, etc - we were just in tune with each other, a kind of synchronicity if you will. One day he walked in to work, and I could tell/feel that there was a big problem. His daughter was ill, and he and his wife were having a heated argument the night before. I stepped out and greeted him, asked if there was anything I could do. He said "About what?" I said "I know you were having issues last night, is there anything I can do?" He was shocked, but then let his guard down, we talked. It became a topic of conversation between us - how a person can have a sixth sense about another person.
But back to the things I read today for my A-Ha moment: "An empath is someone who is highly sensitive to the energy and emotions emanating from people, animals and everything that exists around them." For me, this explains why I feel this huge connection to a local mountain range that I refer to as "my mountain" because going there seems to ground me, make me feel refreshed and energized again.
- "In relationships or friendships, an empath very often puts other people before themselves, as though everyone else’s pleasure and happiness is more important than their own." This has always been true for me, moreso in the past than it is now.
- "Tends to connect with people who are suffering and often wants to heal others or try to make the world a better place for them." The last part of that sentence is very true for me. I always want to try to make things better for another, especially the male in my relationship.
- "An empath’s mind is an inquisitive one and they are constantly searching for answers and theorize and philosophize constantly."
- "Very creative and highly imaginative, writing, art, music, painting, dancing, acting, painting, building and designing are a few of the traits that empaths very often are passionate about."
Both of these statements ring true in my life. The best conversations I have with others are where we take a topic, research it and share opinions back and forth, digging deep for truths. And creatively speaking, if I'm not being creative, I feel stale, stagnant. Which is why photography comes in very handy for me.
- "Can become shy and withdrawn as a method of self-protection. This can result in empaths becoming introverts as a way of avoiding the emotional and physical pain that often stems from interactions." I'm sure co-workers assume that I'm shy, or something else. I just don't care to be open with most of the people I work with. In fact, I even avoid breaks and meals in the lunchroom just to avoid that issue and instead head to the gym - which is not crowded at 10am during the work week!
It's a good thing to find articles that point to directions that make us realize a little bit of the why's we've struggled with over the years. People have asked me in the past about my divorces, and my answer is always the same: I don't regret the choices I made because even though there were negative/bad things, there were good things as well. I would not be the person I have become if I didn't have both those good and bad things happen to me." In that way, I own the problem, accept my part in the events that happen, and am able to look back on the good things with fond(ish) memories. hehehe
Having an "A-Ha" moment when you realize that you're not crazy, and you're not alone, goes a long way to learning how to make better choices now, how to protect myself from onslaughts of unwanted energy, and knowing that it's OK to take the downtime needed to make things right again.
