My (Step)Son

Moving to Ohio, I took on the task of raising my own two kids, along with his four. His were younger than mine.  We aren't supposed to have favorites, but Dougie had a way of touching a person's heart with his little ways, and a smile --- he always had a smile.  

When he was once suspended from school for some infraction I don't even recall, he had to help me with all the chores I do in a day while the kids are in school.  With a family of eight, there was ALWAYS laundry, dishes, cooking and cleaning to be done. He didn't complain the whole day.

He died in May 2008, and I just located a note I had received from him in April 2008.

i love you nnnnn! i would not be the man i am today if you had not been there to teach me how to have manners and be a gentleman. i still consider you my mom. you always will be.
i love you 
dougie

We had spoken on the phone a week before he died.  He was struggling with his decisions, and with getting in touch with his Dad.  I encouraged him to do so.  I don't know if he ever did. I hope so.

I had forgotten I'd kept this note -- then again, I tend to keep a lot of things..... 

Glad I found this one :)

Cleaning Up Files

My computer has long been my lifeline for a lot of things. One thing I do often is journal writing.  And sometimes, once written, it's lost and forgotten, almost as if it becomes acknowledged and I can let it go. It happens more often when I'm stressed, or some other kind of strong feeling.  I recently stumbled across some files from 2007, thought I'd share a little poetry I had written:

i sit

and feel nothing

but empty

when you're gone.

i wait

and feel hopeful

you will

return to me.

i smile

and feel joy

when i 

think of you.

i dream

and feel love

for the

man you are.

i love

and feel warmth

surround and

infuse itself within.

©LD.Poetry2007

And now I have about 40 more files to go through, figure out where it should be stored. I started this quest of locating the beginnings of a novel .... and I've found three different files, some of the versions were revisions, so back to editing and arranging, and maybe completion! 

Want Ads

In 1971, Honey Cone had a hit called Want Ads. It went "Wanted: young man, single and free... "

So what would your want ad say?

Would you list physical traits that are attractive to you??  Dark hair or light? Dark eyes or blue eyes? Tall? Facial hair?  I've had many crushes over my many years, some dark, some light, I'm not sure that matters very much.

Then there are the deal breakers: smoker? Drinker? Athletic? Couch potato?  Want kids or no kids?  Do you make a list of the things you like to do, such as hobbies?

What about character traits?  Obvious ones are kind, honest, sense of humor, and intelligence.  But how can you quantify those traits?  And do you have those same traits??

Then there's the adage that opposites attract,  but do they last?  And the other adage, that women are looking for a man like their dad? 

I was in my 30s and single when the internet started booming, and places like match .com were just starting up.  You uploaded a photo, and wrote a blurb about yourself, and included what type of mate you were looking for.  And yes, I heard of several who found mates that way, and have lasting marriages. 

Now that I'm older, has what I admire or like in a man changed?  What would I want to put in my ad?  I guess honesty and integrity would top the list. Being honest about the qualities he has, and the integrity to not just claim those qualities but actually live them. 

But I'm biased .... three strikes and I'm done looking. Doesn't stop the occasional wishing  though!

Why? Oh Why?

Much of life's troubles include the question why?  We always want the answers to this question.  As kids, we ask for something and Parent says "no" and kid asks WHY? It's been the same for many generations. Including the typical response "Because I said so"!

Over the years, I have asked many Whys?  An ex cheated, and the first question becomes why?  With the natural assumption that it had something to do with you.

My biggest why? was when my son died by suicide.  I will never get the answers to that one.  

My current why? has to do with growing up with my mother and what caused her to be the way she is.

It seems to be human nature to ask questions, to wonder why.  When we question things, sometimes we get answers,  breakthroughs, and other information. Critical thinking begins with asking why.  And yet when someone says something and the other person asks "Why?" we can feel threatened or offended. Its a simple question, and yet holds so much power behind it.

But after so many years, I have come to realize that we don't get answers to all our inevitable question of why.

But why??? 

One Step, Two Steps

Short post because my day is jam packed. So was yesterday. 

Arranged Mom's dentist appt, she went,  the tooth that was capped 8 months ago needs a root canal.  Called to make arrangements for that,  which isn't easy, because it also has to coordinate with transportation at her facility. They only run Tues and Weds.  Finally got it all arranged. 

Then a call back -- they don't take her insurance.  So now I start all over again finding a place that does this work, is within 10 miles, takes new patients, and has an opening between 10 and noon on a Tuesday or Wednesday. 

One step forward, two steps back. 

Waited an hour for an oil change, but getting checked out at the end, there was a line, a computer malfunctioned, so another 26 mins to get out of there. 

Two steps forward, one step back.

I am not a fan of making my own appts, now I make them for two of us. It put me out of sorts, so I compensated by eating Good N Plenty for dinner.  

My nephew called wanting help picking up the kids so he could work extra shifts and take a vacation next week.  I agreed this time, then it changed to picking up both kids, separate schools, separate times. And its across town from me so an hour of drive time.  And there's a small resentment burning because he doesn't visit his grandmother.   

One step forward, one step back.

I am trying to carve out time for my own writing projects. I started a novel years ago and want to get back to that. I try to carve out 20 mins a day for dealing with my mom issues. Or maybe there's some other kind of creativity I need to be trying.  

Either way, I want to try to have a life. Before its too late.  I could be in this elder care limbo for a long time. Who knows how long mom will hang in there.  One of her other residents juat had her 94th birthday.  Mom is only 88. 

Life is short.

More Hot

Phoenix and it's surrounding cities have broken heat records twice in the last 20 days. One at 117 and yesterday at 116.

Yes, its hot. And the heat takes a toll.  You can't just run around town, or maybe its just that you shouldn't.  We run our errands in the cooler morning temps. Same with chores. Getting up to do laundry, cooking, cleaning at 5am makes for a very long day.

It doesn't cool off at night, which compromises sleep.  If this keeps up .... well, its just not easy to get through. 

Tired and cranky isn't good.

When the heat of the day peaks, my chores are done in 15 min increments. Takes a while to accomplish things, but we persevere! 

Yes, we have AC. But your indoor temp can't be 50 degrees cooler than outside heat -- or maybe you can if you have the right circumstances. My thermostat is set at 83.

Arizonans aren't wimps!!!

Let It Go & Create Again

A line from an Alex Cross book:  "trauma gets passed along from generation to generation".

Is there truth in that statement??

I'm trying to mentally deal with things that are surfacing.  And at this point in life, it feels a little late to make major fixes.  So be it.  But that doesn’t stop my mind from wanting to know. I started realizing there was a problem when my mom started demanding hugs and my body rebelled. Makes the mind wonder wtf was that about? 

My mom had trauma in her life. Her mother died when she was 3. Her father remarried when she was 5. And somehow she believed in her young mind that her stepmother was going to kill her in her sleep.  I don't know what prompted the thought, or how her belief influenced her.  But I believe this period of trauma in her life affected her profoundly. 

Which in turn affected how she related to her own children.  

I know I was raised in a stable home, meaning Dad worked, mom raised us kids, there was dinner on the table each night, family vacations, etc.  We didn't have a lot of money, but we didn't do without basics.

So what triggers my body's revulsion at giving her the hugs she craves/demands? 

It's my nervous system signaling me I am not safe. If you're a reader of thrillers, that statement hits way different.  I'm 5'7" and I'm not a tiny woman. Mom is tiny and sits in a wheelchair.  My physical safety isn't the issue. It is the mental safety.  

I have found that I spend much of my mental capacity on all the coordinating that needs to be done for her.  I need to look at automating some of that. Its also time to stop trying to research and figure out WHY I feel the way I do.  I cant go back in time, I can't compare notes with my sister,  so why am I doing this? 

I have come to realize that when I am not around her, I have a capacity to do so many other things.  I have started two novels, I used to write poetry, take photographs, go on nature hikes. My creative side isn't just sleeping, it feels buried. And maybe that's a part of the frustration or anger.

Never showed my writings to my mother, except one. I wrote it in second grade when I wrote about hearing the sound of my Dad driving off to work in the Rambler. 

I need to start signalling my self that I'm ok to start being creative again.  So I'm going to sit down with pen and paper, and a timer, and try to let those free thoughts slide into my mind and onto the paper.  

Will this be a positive, helpful experiment?? I certainly hope so!!

Damn Phones

Do you ever want to throw away your phone????  

I am forever getting calls and texts I don't want. Too many and its overwhelming!!  And today I discovered there's an entire file of "spam" text messages .... something else clogging up our real life, and adding to the Google storage limits!!!!

FFS when does it stop???????

At least in "the old days", it was only stored on your desktop, and you didn't have to see/read it until you turned that PC on.

Now its one thing after another. 

Some days I just want to toss the phone. We have become acclimated to always being available. And we are cursed with so much information at our fingertips, that we are overloaded.  What started as "fun information" about friends and family has become a way to worm more advertising into our lives.

Way back in "the old days", I had cable TV as you could watch shows without advertising. Once advertising was inserted, I opted out of cable and haven’t had it since.  That's when owning movies on VCR then on DVD was great! 

Then when streaming apps started, I was willing to pay the few extra $$ a month for no ads.  If they take away that option, and corporations being what they are, it could happen. I'll opt out.

Wish I had opted out of FB when adverts started, but I liked being connected to friends and family far away.  Although I don't post there any more. 

We are so busy trying to "keep up" that they call it doom-scrolling.  I try hard to keep tech from intruding, but I still get sucked in from time to time 

Read a book, take a walk, create art. 

Too Small

My little house is too small for a lot of stuff.  Much of mom's stuff (a bookshelf and some miscellany with memories) has moved to my house because I don't know what to do with some of it.

My latest dilemma is a queen bed. Do I move the mattress and frame from her spare room into my spare room? It means I would have to get rid of the full mattress and underbed storage frame. 

Am I making too many compromises?  

Having a queen in the spare room would mean a place for my daughter and her husband to stay when they come up.  But is it worth it for once or twice a year? 

It was the same deciding to put a treadmill in the other spare room vs leaving it as a bedroom in case my granddaughter visits. The treadmill won last time.

So after some heavy thought, I opted to move the dresser in the spare bedroom into the closet, leaving enough wall space to move the bookshelves into that room, and making my living room feel less crowded and more like me.  

Its a bit of work, but I'm happy with the decision! 

And after another day..... I've completed the move, and arranged the tchotskies. I still have some cleaning out to do, and another trip to Goodwill, but I'm getting there! 

And its a very large feeling of relief having my living room back to normal. Its amazing how the weight of a room weighs a person down! 

Counting Backwards

I saw a post about calculating time backwards and realized its exactly what I do!!  If I need to be somewhere at 2, its takes 30 minutes to get there, so 130. I want lunch that's 30 mins, so 100. An hour to get myself showered and ready so thats 1200.  I need to empty the dishwasher, take out the trash, vacuum, so thats 1100.  

Well, you get the idea. My day plans backwards based on what needs to be done and what time I need to be there.  I've always done this, I have always been a planner type person. 

What surprised me is that not everyone does this. How do they get things accomplished in a day?  How do they arrive on time??  Although I shouldn't be surprised. My sister wasn't the kind to be on time.  In fact, we nicknamed her "LoriLate" because she was. Always.

Which has me wondering: is this a result of learning how to get things done? Or does it have something to do with being raised a certain way?

Its obvious I have mother issues, something I didn't allow myself to ponder or acknowledge until lately.  So, did I learn to think in this backwards way because I grew up knowing that I had to have X, Y, and Z completed before I could do anything else??

I could so easily make a list of things I do that I'm only beginning to question, things I do because of something I grew up with that influenced my actions.  And its quite easy to surmise that it affected my relationships ...

I'll continue pondering this.  I need to meet mom at the dentist at noon, 15 minutes drive time, an hour's worth of household chores,  so I need to stop writing and get working in 15 more minutes ......  

Have a great day! 

Defeated and Pissed

So I'm a little old lady, retired, just doing my thing.  I am always a rule follower and my community is ruled by an HOA.  Which is ok, keeps the neighborhood kept up. 

But 3 days ago, someone dumped an old chair frame on my front yard.  Personally, I think its the neighbors next door, but I can't prove it.  

Today, I got a notice from the HOA to remove said garbage or be fined by them.  

Talk about upsetting.  I promptly wrote them back, telling them I would remove said trash and have it picked up.  I wanted a record that said I took care of the problem this time, but also to advise them there may be a problem with folks dumping trash in the neighborhood.  

Talk about upsetting!  My stomach is in knots and its only 445am.  Another exciting day on my horizon!! 

To add to this frustration, my brother has decided to come visit-- and I already worked my ass off cleaning out moms house to get ready to sell. There's no dishes, no bedding on the beds, no bath towels or bath carpets. I even took down shower curtains.  

Just how much is this old lady supposed to take????? 

Mom Time

Another strange Mom day.  I don't know if its a change in meds, or her having too much time on her hands to think.

Its arizona monsoon season and when it gets rainy we get what we call sewer roaches indoors. She tried spraying one on her bathroom floor with Lysol air freshener. lol 

Then she complimented the shirt I was wearing, something I nabbed from what I call "the rag bag" --- which is really the back of the closet. 

Next was a rant about the mop board in her bathroom below her sink. She wants me to buy some white paint to cover the water stain. I said Ma, you don't own this place, that's something maintenence takes care of. This was also her passive-aggressive way of saying she wanted me to get some paint and to DO the actual painting for her.  Nope.

I try to maintain my cool when she gets on one of her rants.  It's not always easy, but why stir up a fight?  I don't win, and it gives her more to throw back at me.

But it was a beautiful sunrise this morning- what I call cotton candy clouds.  It pays to stop and take notice of the little things. 

Comparisons

How often do we judge ourselves by making comparisons?

In school we learned by comparing ourselves to classmates.  Her dress is better than mine.  He kicks the kickball farther than me.  That drawing is much better than mine.  Is it innate? Or do we learn to make comparisons?  Is it something that happens naturally because of parenting?

I like taking pictures, and I suppose some of them are better than average. I've always been comfortable behind the lens. And nature never disappoints, if you're looking.

But I get caught up in doom-scrolling social media, end up following professional photographers, and then am so disappointed in my own lack of skill that I don't take any photos.

Its like comparing ourselves to classmates.  She can have a pretty dress, but there are lots of pretty dresses .... what's with believing there's only one??  OK, a simple idiom, but what causes that kind of thinking??

I will never be a famous, adventurous wildlife photographer -- you have to leave your comfort zone for that -- and I don't. But photos don't have to be ... perfection.

I saw a post about taking photos for the sake of taking them, about noticing the subtle beauty around us all the time.  A cloud, a flower, even an ant carrying a crumb of bread. 

Maybe that's the point of maturity, the one where we finally stop comparing ourselves to others and learn to just be ourselves. I grew up with the phrase "keeping up with the Jones' ", and extremely disliked being compared to whatever was 'the thing' in that moment.

For me, the point is to learn to stop comparing, to knowing there will always be someone better at things.  

The only thing I need to be better at, is being better than I was yesterday. 

Never Stop Learning

I'm old.  I will be 67 in 3 days. They say you can't teach an old dog new tricks.  But that doesn't mean old dogs should stop trying.

We live in a different world than when I was growing up.  Learning came from doing, or from books. But these days there's Google, and I like being able to learn things, even if its just trivia.

Mom watches Heartland. The main character Amy is a horse woman in real life, and the horse on the show, Spartan, is her real horse.  See? You learned something new!  And she really sings, along with Jack, who really plays guitar.  

I Google plenty of things when I read. Someone drives a 1972 Ferrari, I look it up. Watching TV (Stay Close on Netflix), there's a sculpture in a park, had to look it up. "Dream is a sculpture and a piece of public art by Jaume Plensa in Sutton, St Helens, Merseyside."

I do the same with music, if someone is listening to a specific tune, I look it up and listen.  

Theres no shortage of things to know. Even if they're not relative, like learning math or English. Its still knowledge 

Never stop learning.

Hot, Hot, Hot

We had some high heat Friday.  Phoenix broke a record at 117.  I usually keep my thermostat set at 83. And my AC unit keeps up pretty well.  So why does it feel so much hotter??  Because I know it's that much hotter outside?  Probably the humidity, I prefer our usual 10%.

My bedroom has two outside walls, so I'm wondering if I should sleep in the spare bedroom? Or on the air mattress in the living room?  

Except I sleep that much better in my own bed. In my own room.

Either way, the heat can be brutal. Drink, drink, drink.  

And the next day, its 106 at 10am. Whew.

I remember one of my first few years here, I was going to run to the corner store,  I hopped in my car and the dash read 124 degrees.  I wonder if my car said that yesterday, as well?

Here's my mantra for the next 45 days, "hurry up September 15th!!"  By then the days are short enough to be able to feel the reduced heat.  

One day at a time.

BFF and the 70s

My BFF was my BFF before they were called BFFs!!   We met when we were 12, just starting junior high school, overwhelmed being in a new school with kids from other schools.  We were a strange mix. It was 1970, which was a strange time in history.

Chevy introduces the Vega, and Ford introduces the Pinto.  Palestinian terrorists hijack four airplanes, destroy one after evacuating occupants.  And we were in the midst of the Viet Nam war.  But politics didn't touch us as kids at our age.  

My BFF phoned me today, and we spent three hours reminiscing the things we did, like riding our bikes from home to Westgate shopping mall, 6 miles away. We would get a cold soda and wrap it with a paper towel and foil to keep it cold, and slip it onto our bike racks. We stopped halfway at a school to enjoy our drink.

Then there was Jack in the Box on one corner, and The Bottle Shoppe where we could buy cigs.  Taco Bell, shopping at Lawrence Square, or Mervyn's. Later it was Vallco Mall, where we spent many long Saturdays!  We had places to go, and the freedom as well.

Growing up in the 70s was .... a wonderful experience.  Slurpees at 7-11.  Meeting friends at the local public pool and swimming all afternoon.   We stayed out after dinner until the street lights came on.  We drank from garden hoses.  Hide and seek in the dark, group "dates" to the movies: American Graffiti, Cromwell, Gimme Shelter! 

We lived during a decade of so many things going on around us, and we enjoyed the freedoms in our childhood!  When we look back, it seemed like the very best of times! 

We had rock, funk, soul and the rise of disco had just begun.  We had an oil crisis in 1979, with gas shortages and long lines waiting to fill up. And then there was Watergate.

There were drive in movies, including Grease, Jaws, Smokey and the Bandit, and The Godfather.  And in 1977, Star Wars. 

It was THE decade to grow up in, and spending time with my BFF reminiscing makes me feel young all over again!

Heat Makes Me Cranky

Driving to visit mom, its hot, very hot, and going to be hotter Friday and Saturday.  Ah, the things we deal with in our Valley.  Sadly, because of the rains it is also humid.  Personally, if its going to be hot, I hope it dries up the humidity.

When we moved Mom into her care facility, we all talked about how its time for her to stop gifting money to her grandkids. They're all adults.  Except today, she tried to gift me birthday $ and I had to remind her we agreed to stop doing that. I understand her mindset, feeling grateful I visit and take care of things. 

At the same time, her gifts have a passive aggressive side benefit that she uses to fuel guilt on my part to take care of her because she 'pays me'. 

And yes, the heat is making me short tempered and cranky. 

So I decided to entertain myself and talk to Gemini, and told of an incident where I was on vacation at mom's and had brought her a short (15 min) slide show of recent photos I had taken. Halfway through, her grandson stopped by to wash his truck, and she went outside to help (meaning supervise) him.   

And my AI answer was "That behavior indicates a sharp boundary issue, a lack of consideration, and a clear reprioritization of her attention mid-activity. It highlights a painful shift where a structured, shared moment with you was instantly abandoned for a casual task with someone else."

More questions were asked and answered, and its odd how what I learned dealing with her is a lifetime pattern, and with those AI responses and information, my feelings are validated. 

It then went on to predict how she would react to situations (ie not answering her texts immediately) and gave me info on how to make adjustments to my phone.  

I realize AI is informational. But mom asked if we could play a card game, and I said I didn't like playing card games, AI said it was the correct response.  I'm acting as caregiver and daughter, we are not BFFs. Even though that is the role mother wishes for me.

Navigating through tumultuous emotions is like walking on eggshells over a minefield. I am trying to majntain my own self, my own peace while still providing care and support to my mom.   Summer heat makes it that much harder as there isn't much time spent in the outdoors .... think cabin fever! 

Next week, I get to accompany her to the dentist. 4 months ago she had got a crown, yesterday she told me her tooth is bothered by hot and cold. She said she didn't mention it because she didn't want to be a bother, and she thought it might go away.   

Yep. That's Mom.

It's Not Fair!!!

It's not fair!!!  How many times did you say that as a kid??  You ask mom if you can go outside, and she tells you no. Your first thought is "it's not fair!!"

You and a coworker both working hard at the job, and the coworker gets promoted,  "it's not fair"!! 

At what point jn your life do you stop thinking that.  Does it ever end? 

I'm still working on finalizing the stuff that needs to be done at Mom's house.  It's gotta go, and my brother is dragging his feet. And yep.... It's not fair!!

He was going to come back to "help". Instead, he posts pix of camping trips, concerts, etc., while I am doing the mom thing.  

It's easy to complain about the fairness, but sometimes its easier to suck it down and just get the job done.  So that's what I'm doing.

It's my role in the family dynamic.

And its not fair! 

PS took yesterday as a mental health day, as in I am not making a single decision.   And I didn't!  Some days, making a decision is beyond my mental abilities!!  But today, what's next? Time to decide!

Sound Of Silence

The original Sound of Silence was performed by Simon and Garfunkle, back in 1964.   As a kid, I was like 5, music didn't have much of an impact on me, rather just nice melodies in the background.  

This was a common song, played often on the radio. By the time I was a teenager, I knew the words to this and Bridge Over Troubled Water, both iconic songs for the times.

But in 2016, it was performed on Conan, by Disturbed. That is THE dreamiest version of the song I have ever heard.  David Draiman performs with an orchestra (love the kettle drums!).

His voice control is amazing. He made the song come alive, and I have watched this over and over, and over again.  He starts out in a smooth baritone and finishes with a raw edge in his voice that leaves tingles!! 

As the song builds to an amazing crescendo, when he sings the final sound of silence you can actually feel the audience in stunned silence themselves. 

If music moves you, and you haven't seen this, search for Conan and Disturbed. You won't be sorry!!

Another Wrench

Just when you think you have a handle on all of this ..... there's another monkey wrench in the mix.

When my Mom was put in assisted living, we decided to get a Power of Attorney -- just in case.   And now, months later, her banking institute wants us to use THEIR forms, and have them notarized.

My mom is wheelchair bound. Transporting her isn't just a hop in the car.  So I suppose I will have to have another mobile notary (at another $50).

There's always f*cking something. 

And I feel like I'm always stuck in the middle.

Strange Monday

I was driving home from mom's and this big white pickup honked and I thought WTF?  I slowed, and he pulled in behind me, flashing his flashers and I thought was this some weird cop car?? Then he pulled up beside me again and lowered his windows, so I did too.  He said I had a baggie on my back window.  I pulled over, it was a baggie of wall anchors that I had tossed on my car.  lol

Then I was scrolling the local news. There was a bank robbery attempt at the bank where I do my mother's banking! Glad it wasn't my day to be there!

I ended up doom scrolling for over an hour because I looked at one screen of 70s music,  and it kept showing me more of the same. Hooks me every time as I was a teen in the 70s and that's my jam!!   Stairway to Heaven. Piano Man. Hotel California.  Earth Wind and Fire. Eagles. Lynyrd Skynyrd. James Taylor.   This was a decade of fantastic music! 

But it sure was a strange Monday for me!!

Antiques

There's a lot of news and excitement when someone finds something old, maybe in Grandmas attic, and it ends up being worth a lot of money.  How we all wish we could find something incredible like that!! 

Is this the kind of thinking that causes people to buy stuff ... and hang on to it,  hoping for a big payoff someday?

A lot of that kind of thinking was happening in the 80s and 90s.  My mom went to antique sales and flea markets all the time, buying a piece here or there to finally have a whole set of .... whatever.  But the big payoff never came, and all that stuff was donated when she moved.  

I caught that same bug for a while in the 90s.  Mom started me on a set of dishes by Vernon Ware, not especially attractive, but quite colorful.  When I shopped, I was attracted to depression era glassware, especially pinks and greens. I didn't just hide them away, though. I used them on a regular basis.  If we were having hot dogs and chips for supper, the relish just might have been served in a pink depression era bowl! 

But here I am, nearing the far side of life, and I don't use as much as I own of the stuff. My bathroom counter has a pink candy dish to hold my hair clips. And another clear pink coffee cup holds my toothbrush. 

Maybe these items will be worth something more than I paid for them in another hundred years. In another 14, most of it will be 100 years old!  Most of them are 1930s.

I love things with age. But I think the thing that causes us to buy old things is nostalgia .... Grandma had one just like this!  I remember seeing that in an old photo.... !!  

But with families spread further apart than ever, geographically, the young generation doesn’t have that nostalgia. So they probably won't buy something because of an emotion that speaks to them.  Its like Grandma's china, they don't want it because it's not practical, but they also don't remember having Sunday dinners on them either.

If you have "special" items that you're saving for that special occasion, use them now.  Feel the joy in having them, using them, create memories. 

Saturday Rain

After a nice all-day sprinkles and rain mix on Friday, there was more rain Saturday morning!  

Weather here isn't for everyone.  I like the dry heat.  I left the humidity of Ohio in my rear view mirror.  After a few months in the Arizona desert, I knew I would love it here!! 

While I keep an eye on temperature, I keep a closer watch on humidity. As expected with rain, humidity goes up.  But when its going to be 95 degrees and the humidity is 65% .... ugh!!   We run our AC just to pull humidity out of the air! 

I'll take 105 and 10% humidity every time! But we need the rain.  Because it doesn't rain often, we go out to see it, celebrate it.  There are jokes about Arizonans doing just that,  but what do we care???  hehehe

This was me running out in my jammies to grab a snap of the rain, puddles in my yard. Even rain can be cause for a pause of thanks.

Valley Weather

Here in the Valley of the Sun, sometimes we have strange weather.  

Today's high ... 89.  

Today's low 81.  hehehe.  

But so humid, 76%.

But with a mix if clouds and sun, we get grand sunsets. 

Just a small pause to be thankful.

Letting Go

All our lives, there are things we need to let go. Some are easier than others.  Letting go after high school graduation can be a major letting go. We lose our daily routine and the friends we see every day.

As we move through life, we have other things we let go, relationships, homes, friendships.  And then there is family we let go of, usually through no choice of our own.

I have had my share of letting go. My grandparents have died, along with my father, my sister, and my son. He was my hardest letting go.

After he died, I had to let go of some of his things. And I kept some things. But its been seven years, and it was time to let go of more of his things.  His favorite night light was a small guitar lamp.  

The smaller things haven’t been as hard to let go as the next things:  his guitars.  So I was looking on the internet and found G4V - Guitars for Vets.  And I thought that might be a place to contact, see if they're willing to take his guitars and put them to use by someone who has a need and a want.

I'm still pondering; it will be difficult for me to let go of those final things.  *sigh*

Letting go of things is a part of life, something we should all be better at. 

Thankfully, the clouds finally "let go" and we woke up to rain!! 

Bravo Netflix!

Netflix is doing an awesome job lately, I'm enjoying their new "limited series" format very much!!  

I recently finished "I Will Find You" and "RunAway".  I'm in the middle of "Safe" and just started watching "The Last Ship". 

Usually, I have the TV on for noise, running old episodes of ER or Blue Bloods, background for whatever tasks I'm doing. But these are so intriguing! 

As for The Last Ship, Captain Chandler and his intense blue eyes has jumped up my list of sexy leading men!! Men like Frank Reagan, Jack Bartlett, and who can forget Dr Doug Ross or Harvey Specter! 

Sometimes these leading men are part of my dreams.  I had dinner with Frank Reagan -- twice!!  And Harvey Specter was in one, as well.  Maybe I just get too involved in the stories, and these characters stay with me... good thing I'm not confessing all this to a shrink!  hehehe

Its my empathy trait that connects me, maybe more than most others. But its who I am, it just is. 

Either way, its a pretty good summer when I have stories to keep me so engrossed! 

Safe or Overly Suspicious?

Are you a suspicious type?  I think I'm becoming that way.  It's been a slow evolution. At least, I hope so.

So that had me wondering .... how did this happen?  Its not like a major event happened, I wasn't attacked or anything.

I do like reading mysteries and suspense thrillers, and definitely have an active imagination (maybe overactive at times?)

Since I live alone, I don't answer my door.  A little over the top? Maybe.  Today, someone knocked on my door.  Rang the doorbell. This went on for almost 15 minutes before he gave up.  Usually, they leave after a minute or two. This guy was very insistent.  I didn't have an appointment, and stood there alternately staring and opening my phone with 9-1-1 dialed, even though I didn't press the green button.

I don't want to live always fearful, but at the same time I want to keep myself safe. I'm hoping he had an appointment with someone else on my street and finally realized his mistake.  He's been gone about an hour now, and I'll do one last walk around for peace of mind so I can sleep.

I remember growing up, we never hesitated to answer the phone or open the door when someone knocked.  I don't answer the phone anymore unless they're in my contacts.  And what's up with the new technology that can duplicate your voice to agree to whatever pitch they're making????? How do we protect ourselves against that?  Frankly, we're kept so busy changing passwords and protecting ourselves against so many things .... well it sure doesn’t make life pleasant.

How have we let ourselves get us to this point? 

Not So Good Days

Some days aren't as good as others. I just didn't feel feel so good today, it started about 10am.  Then came a headache.  

So what's your strategy for a bad day?  What do you do for a "reset"?

Between the heat and the humidity -- its currently 104 and 30% humidity --  I've added extra water, took an Advil, and got things organized.  I'm going to make a run to Goodwill in the morning, get rid of some things.  A part of my decluttering process. 

Part of the problem is a lack of sleep last night.  I usually stop caffeine by 3pm. Yesterday, I had a Diet Coke at 5pm.  I know better. But I did it anyway. *sigh*

To further my reset today, I'm going to take a cool shower, and turn on some soothing tunes. Then crawl into bed a little early.

And hope for a better day tomorrow! 

Decision Paralysis

When there are a million things going on atound you, and you're the one left making almost all the decisions, how do you juggle?

There's never an end to the decision making for me.  Mom is constantly needy, wanting things,  having me order them, but when they arrive they're not what she wanted. 

Then there's the bills and the mail.  Lately, she decided she wants to register to vote because she moved. Yesterday, I explained that I hadn't made any phone calls re that because it was the weekend. But she won't be letting it go.

There are my own issues to deal with as well. I'm not getting any younger, and have to have my finances and trust in good order as well. 

My nephew asks if I will watch the kids so he and his girl can go to dinner. Forgive me if I selfishly say no, I can't.

I have tried using my method of To Do lists to help me make decisions. But every day the list grows longer, I never feel caught up. So in reposonse, I do nothing. Or as little as possible. And that's not the right thing, either.

In my ask to Google (or am I supposed to call it Gemini?) it suggested breaking it down, doing only 2 or 3 decisons, then letting it go. To scheduling a time frame to make decisions, ie one hour of decision making tasks, and letting it go until the next day. My brain isn't the kind to "let go".  Which is why they invented games on our phones, right? lol

I think I'll try a combination of these concepts, making a list, committing to an hour to accomplish things on the list,  and putting it aside until the next day.

I'd just like to all be done. But that's not going to happen in the real world. There will always be something we need to decide on.

What's for dinner??????? 

Ps: I committrd to an hour, got three things off my list. *whew*

Mom and Her TV

In the funny, not funny, category, I got a call from Mom yesterday.  She couldn't watch TV and couldn't figure it out.

As usual, I had to take time out to help her go through the steps of turning off the power to her TV on the power strip.  She has a tendency to flip it off and right back on, the tv never seems to cycle completely off that way.  

So she flicks the power strip off and we wait 60 seconds. While we're waiting she starts the tears and the why me's?  Why does this always happen to me?  Of course, living with analog tv most of her life, you turned it on, and it was always there.  Smart tvs need to warm up, reconnect, whatever, and she just doesn't get that.  

Once the crying starts, and the "can you come over" commences, my patience begins to run low. In 7 months of living there, we have gone through this scenario several times. I have to keep taking a deep breath to compose myself, not wanting to rant at her.

I told her to give it half an hour, and I would pop in and see what buttons she pushed. TV always starts up just fine when I am there. 

But 15 minutes later, she calls back and says its working.   I'm sure she kept pressing buttons on the remote until something worked because that's how she is. hehehe

Patience and acceptance.  They can be in short supply these kinds of days.

In the meantime, sunset at 7:34pm with a dust storm here in the Valley of the Sun causes your windows to glow almost orange. Now if only it would rain........ 

Be Creative

Are you creative?  I think when most people hear that word, they might say no, because being creative implies talent.  But talent can be subjective.  Just think of those references in TV and movies to a painting of a big red  dot on a white canvas that sells for a lotta money.

Yes,  we all chuckle over that, but being creative doesn't mean having star quality talent.  Its more about doing something that makes you feel alive, or expresses an emotion.

If you play a musical instrument, you can be creative without being Beethoven. You can still play notes and put emotion into your music. That's creativity. 

"To live a creative life, 

we must lose our fear of being wrong."

 — Joseph Chilton Pearce

And that is probably the bottom line. We may not pursue our creativity because we fear to be wrong, imperfect.  But not using our creativity would be wrong.

So grab a pencil, some paint, give something a try!  Or maybe there's something else that uses your creativity ... gardening, growing beautiful flowers or vegetables. Maybe landscaping, creating a wonderful backyard place to relax in.  

There are no limits to creativity, except those we impose on ourselves.  Be creative today, you'll love it!

Thoughts on Stuff

Thoughts on stuff, for the umpteenth time! In a lifetime, we accumulate stuff. Kids become attached to a blanket or stuffed animal. Later it becomes other things. As adults, we tend to fill our homes with more stuff. 

Why?

Most of it isn't so much as useful as it is perhaps attached to some kind of memory. Or adds beauty over function.  I like being surrounded by my familiar things like most people.  But is it too much? 

"We accumulate things to fulfill deep psychological and emotional needs rather than practical ones. We acquire items to advertise our identity, cope with stress, seek a sense of control, or soothe a fear of scarcity—the anxiety that we will be without what we need in the future."

And maybe, just maybe, we need to take a step back from so much consumerism.  Its breaking our banks,  not to mention overwhelming us at times.

Why these thoughts?  I look around my home and wonder what it is I should pass on to my daughter? Will it be a treasure or a burden??  She has her own stash of stuff in her own house.

I recently cleaned out my mom's house, and didn't want to keep much of it. Consumable items were easy, I will use them. Foil, dish soap, garbage bags, etc. But the things she saved for years?? *sigh* I tried to pick out the most meaningful. 

I started packing things in my home for an eventual move at some point in the future.  I became frozen in place after I got so far ..... then realized that all this stuff packed in boxes was just taking up space.  Is this how I want to live my life?  Can I break it down even more? 

I went through the last two boxes I packed, and narrowed down the choices. I laughed when I pulled out six lime green plastic bowls. I used to use them in Girl Scout meetings back in 2002/2003.  *smh*  so I carted these from Ohio to Arizona, from a house to a townhouse, to an apartment, to a house again, and haven't used them. Yikes! But a good example of stuff I don't use. But it might be useful "someday".  Nope, 20+ years and someday hasn't arrived. 

I know there will be some things I'm unable to part with, but the things that are "iffy", I am photographing them.  A photo will remind me, even though I no longer have the item.

I wonder how I will feel paring things down. I'm hoping I feel good about it. 

Choosing things isn't easy.  Yes, that little vase is cute, and looks just right on my shelf. 

Or does it?? 

My son's Jr high art project, metal etchings his initials mounted on cardstock. He got an A on it. That's a keeper. 

When Fact Meets Fiction

I love it when fact and fiction go hand in hand.  I'm reading a JA Jance book, and she mentions a meeting being held at the church in Tucson at the corner of 22nd and 6th.  

Because I'm an internet junkie, I look up things as I'm reading all the time.  Sure enough, there IS a church on that corner.

And hard to believe, as my son and I were in Tucson, on our way back home, we passed by this very church and decided to stop in, have a look around.  

Its the Santa Cruz Catholic Church built in 1916-1918.   "The Santa Cruz Catholic Church, or Santa Cruz for short, is significant for its construction using unstabilized mud-adobe bricks made in the Tohono O'odham Indian Reservation. It is also the largest known mud-adobe building in Arizona, and the state's only surviving example of a major public building built of adobe. Santa Cruz was added to the National Register of Historic Places in 1994."

I have a passion for visiting old buildings, especially ones not renovated to be "modern".  This was a good one to visit!!

Life-Isms

There are so many little sayings that have carried over the years. So much so, that there must be some truths hidden in them. 

"You can't pour from an empty pitcher."

"An empty lantern provides no light."

"All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy."

"A bow that is always bent will eventually break."

What they all seem to say is take care of ourselves without giving our all to someone else, or something else.  I struggle with this. And I'm not sure why its such a hard thing.

Why do we always seem to be so busy?  What is so important that we can't or won't take time for ourselves?? 

Life seemed so much simpler "back in the old days".  I remember growing up in the 70s thinking life in the 50s seemed better. Now that its 2026, life seemed better back in the 90s.  

So is it perspective that changes the way we think? The way we yearn for simpler times? Or is it that we have allowed society as a whole dictate to us what life should look like?  We constantly compare our selves, our lives, to what we see in the media.

When it comes down to it, I miss the days when we sat on front porches, amd knew our neighbors.  But then again ......

"The people in your life are like the pillars on your porch. Sometimes they hold you up, and sometimes they lean on you.” — Merle Shain

Half Year Mark

Its July. For those of us here in the Valley of the Sun, it just means hot, hot temps and possible monsoon rains.

But it also means that half the year is gone. But on the other side of the coin, there is half a year still left.

What were your dreams or new year's resolution? Did you accomplish yours? 

The good news ..... you still have time for accomplishments.  What do you still want to do?

As for me, it will be indoor projects. I'm not sure what thats going to be, revamping my indoor licing spaces. My house is crowded with "grandma junk".  And when it gets cooler in the mornings, back to daily walks.

There's still time for accompliahments! Pick one, two, maybe three, to work on!! 

What's Your Go To?

Do you have a "go to" when life is upsetting?

I do.

Being a girl, the first go to's are sweets, like chocolate, or salts as in potato chips or French fries.

But sometimes I just like to curl up and relive great, private memories.  One of a kind dates, or was it one of a kind men?? Either way, good memories. And they bring me comfort in those dark hours when I can't seem to get to sleep because my mind doesn't juat turn off the upsetting thoughts going on in the present.

Bit why is it those great memories seem to exclude ex husbands?  Does the negative stuff that happens, things that are said, erase the good times that were surely there at one time?  

And maybe its that way with my "mom stuff" as well. There were good times growing up, but mostly that included friends ....  which precludes the same question: did the negative stuff in my relationship with her crowd out the good times? 

Yes, these odd thoughts are troublesome at times, because we can't change our past, we should just learn and move on. But moving on from relationships can be difficult, or is it the difficult ones are relationships related to us? 

When you have no children with your divorced husband, it is easy to move on because there are no real life issues to be dealt with.  IE even after your kids are grown adults, you still have occasions where you deal with exes- weddings, funerals, the birth of grandchildren-- you aren't ever completely done, making it harder to move on. 

So I curled up last night remembering a great date, and fell asleep, but woke up after dreaming about Joe Pike and his red jeep .... he's a character in a series of books I read.  lol  

At least the things I was worrying over had left my mind for a few hours!  hehehe

I Will Find You

It was 1977.  For eight consecutive nights on ABC.  It felt like the entire USA was watching ROOTS.  I was only 17, and the story was  haunting, following a man from West Africa to the United States as a slave, along with his family and all the things that happened along the way.  

At the time, television consisted of movies, sitcoms and one hour dramas. The miniseries was something we hadn't encountered before.  It felt like a long drawn out soap opera and we became fully immersed!

Now with streaming services having their own programs, they have started doing  something similar.  I'm currently watching "I Will Find You", from a book by Harlan Coben, on Netflix.  And I like it!!  ( I am limiting myself to watch 1 episode per day .... anticipation makes it sweeter!)

Longer and a little more involved than movie, but not endless.  When a book becomes a movie, part of the problem is losing details when you have to shove it all into 120 minutes or less.   But make it into a short series 10 episodes, 42 mins each, and a much better version comes to life on screen!! 

Thanks, Netflix!  This brings something more exciting than network TV into my summer!

Weird Moments

With all the soccer games being played right now, one of the only team names I know (I'm not a soccer fan) is LA Galaxy. 

How do I know this???

Humorous story.

I was on a date in Columbus, Ohio.  We had dinner and then decided we would go to the hotel's rooftop pool and soak a bit in the hot tub. It was quiet for a while, stars in the deep, dark sky, sipping a delicious chardonnay, talking softly.

And then, it became noisy. We glanced around, and here come many young, handsome hard bodies, jumping in the pool, several of them joining us in the hot tub.

Mind you, I'm old and overweight. Felt totally out of my comfort zone around all those young guys. My date wasn't intimidated. He started chatting them up, they told us they were LA Galaxy, chilling after a game they'd played that day.

Hehehe.  Weird moments in this Gal's life.

Looking back, if I'd had my camera with me, would I have been bold enough to snap pix in the moment??  lol

Busy Day!

Busy day!!  I jumped out of bed at first light, then realized it was only 5am. Too early! So I waited until 6, got up and went out to wash my car. Parking under a tree is nice, if you don't count the birds.  Ugh.  

Them it was off to Walmart to exchange Mom's puzzle and find her some eyedrops. At the same time, I found a nice sage green pants and shirt ... hope she likes it.

All my errands done, then relax for a bit, eat some lunch, visit Mom. 

A whole lotta fun kind of day. Haha.

And last night's sunset.

Visits Aren't Easy

A visit to mom's always generates something weird for me.  Her apartment is cleaned every week by housekeeping.  But today, she had *ME* go around dusting things.

She's a saver.  Has shelves full of junk. And under all the junk are doilies. Talk about your dust collectors!  Move everything,  dust dust dust, put it all back.  

Count to ten 

Breathe

Patience

Acceptance

Then another 15 minutes watching TV and *switch*  she wants to learn how to run the TV in her bedroom. It works the same as her other TV, same brand, etc, but she just couldn't figure it out.

Then another 15 minutes later and "she's having some chest pain." The staff here is much better dealing with her than I am. Or maybe its that when they suggest maybe she has indigestion, she believes them. 

But after all that, she started getting her anxiety again.  *fidget*fidget*sigh*tap*tap*tap*sigh*

Another wonderful day in her neighborhood

And it takes me so long to unwind after these kinds of days.  And an hour later, a text because she ?? Wants to talk??  No way.

Some days sure are harder than others.

July 2nd

For me, July 2nd, 2019, defines my Before and After.  My life After has been so very different from my Before.  

July 2 is the day my son died by suicide.

And it left behind so many questions that will never be answered. So many guilty feelings that are hard to cope with. And it left an empty hole in so many lives.

I've read a lot, commiserated with other parents dealing with the same situation. We all share the same ... blank answers to questions that will never be answered.

One of the ways I coped was writing him letters every day, sometimes expressing the hurt, sometimes just telling him family gossip. It was a good way to cope, to feel connected.

I still do these things, just not as often. 

I miss him every day.

Pizza and Pepsi for dinner tonight, and looking at some photos, remembering all the good times.  Cherish those memories.

Color

I grew up in the 70s. Had my kids in the 80s. The world was so colorful back then!  True, I am not willing to go back to kitchen appliances being Harvest Gold or Avocado. In fact, in my first apartment, the appliances were turquoise!!  So 50s, It was fantastic! 

But have you taken a good look around?  Most of the cars are white, black or grey. And if you look on any DIY home repair show, the paint colors are some sort of beige or grey.

Are we losing our color? 

"Statistically, yes. A Science Museum Group analysis found that in 1800, about 40% of everyday objects were colorful, whereas today that has dropped to 15%.

"Modern aesthetics often equate neutral palettes (like "sad beige" interiors or raw concrete) with sophistication and wealth."

Are we losing ourselves in this bland colorless life? 

Its true, we probably get enough color from the stuff we see on our phones.  When I was in elementary school ... or was it junior high? We all wanted to copy the cool kids, how we dressed, the color of our shoes, and later the color of our cars. 

It has been a slow shift to a less colorful world, but is it better?? 

I admit, my bedrooms are a pearly grey, my living areas Navajo White (which is just another kind of beige). But it makes a great backdrop for all of the photos I have hanging on walls. 

One living room wall is wallpapered in a fence pattern with turquoise accent paint. To balance that out, several of the frames and one floor lamp are painted turquoise. I like color! 

My kitchen cupboards have red trim all around, along with a display shelf painted red ..... again, I like color!  

Take a look around you. Have we let "influencers" suggestively insinuate their ideas on us?? Make us believe that muted tones equates wealth or affluence? 

It makes me wonder, how long will it be before things shift back to color again? Maybe we will never have the brilliant blues or greens on cars again like in the 70s, but we shouldn't dismiss colors in other places.

Colors bring joy!

Entertainment

Off and on I have tried to find things that entertain mom. She's impossible at times, and lately its getting weirder.  She wants books to read, but doesn't like romances with sex. Doesn't like mysteries, biographies  or books with murder.  So what CAN she read??  Maybe some old time Nancy Drew! lol

I hiked my way in to Walmart and bought her a puzzle ..... but got "I've already done that one".  *sigh*

There is always a complaint.

What did you do yesterday?  "Nothing much" (because I have learned that if I tell her what I did, she will either tell everyone or she will comment in a negative way, even if its just  "got my oil changed".)

Have you heard from your brother? He doesn't answer me when I text him.  "Nope" (not gonna referree this one!)

Heard from Tucson? "Nope" Hope they're doing all right. I sure wish they'd come visit me.  But its too hot for them to travel. Only it's not as hot today! (Supposed to be 104, Mom) Oh that's tooo hot.  I gathered up some puzzles maybe you can wheel me down there to leave them in the cupboard.

And that was my first 10 minutes with her.  

She won't go to other scheduled activities like the afternoon games, the evening movie, the 9am coffee chat, etc.  She just waits until I am there to be her "entertainment".

Then it was a request for eye drops.  "You have eye drops in the medicine cabinet."  They're not the right ones. I need something for sore eyes. "What kind of sore, what does that mean?"  The med tech came in and I asked her what she thought.... eyes aren't red so no pink eye, no allergies.  We just decided that she needed a different lubricant drops. It also means another trek into Walmart. Mom cheerfully says, Oh that works out, you have to return the puzzle anyway.  *eye roll*  

I know its my thing this year for patience and acceptance, but some days are harder than ever.  

Intermittent Fasting (Again)

Im trying to take control of my self again. So I decided to go back to IF. 

Its nearly 16 hours since I've eaten.  *growl* I downed a bottle of water at 5am (24 oz) and then a Diet Coke at 6:30. *growl* I have 45 minutes to go. *growl*growl*

But what is our society's hangup with food? Everything seems to revolve around it. Meeting for coffee usually means adding a donut, or pastry.  Or there's "let's do lunch". Except eating in restaurants isn't something I enjoy. Who wants to pay for a $12 lunch that includes more food than a person can eat? Or maybe it's should eat?

Back in 1987, I remember when McDs had their SuperSize it campaign.  You could order a number 1 (Big Mac with fries and a drink) then super size it to get a bigger drink and bigger order of fries.  Wasn't healthy eating, but yes, I confess, I SuperSized it! 

Even now, mom in her assisted living apt, plies me with cookies, candy, drinks, even though I usually arrive with my own bottle of water. And she knows I don't do sweets .... but that's how she grew up.  Feeding people at every turn. 

I did well on IF last year, but let myself slide as my schedule with helping mom had been shifting from day to day. Now that its more stable, I can work in my meals on a schedule. 

I started with 16:8 as my fast:eat hours, but will work back up to 18:6.  Part of the struggle will be our summer heat. Not so easy to get out of the house to do something when its over 105, which means being cooped up with food in the house.  So wise purchasing is very important.

Between more treadmill time and less eating time, the goal is to be more healthy.  

Waiting .... waiting ..... Yay! *growl*  Time for breakfast!! 

Treadmilling

I forced myself to walk the treadmill today (again).  

How long does it take to move from 'hate it' to 'liking it' ?

Years ago (many years ago!) I was a gym rat, going six days a week, personal trainer twice a week. That's why I bought the treadmill, figuring if it was here at home, I would use it because I didn't have to travel. 

At least I don't hang my laundry all over it.  hehehe such a cliché. 

18 minutes, started at 12 incline and 1.0mph. Then dropping down 1 every 90 seconds. For every incline drop, up the speed by 0.2mph.

Next time I need to start the speed at 1.5 because my heart rate didn't increase quick enough.

Am I the only one who makes up silly patterns to keep the treadmill interesting? to keep my brain engaged?

I Like Words

Hornswoggled 

Hoosegow 

Words are something I get. I like to write, always have. The problem is that I am not very focused when I write.  There are people who seem to find a niche, and go with that.  Healthy living.  Raising babies. Life on a farm. 

But I just go with wherever my thoughts, my heart, leads.  Or whatever crazy stuff evolves in caring for Mom. 

Maybe I just don't like limits.  Or maybe I am ADHD. or OCD.  Any one of those alphabet diagnoses could fit. 

Mostly, Im just me, and it sometimes reveals itself.... oh well.

So what's the point of these words?  They happened to be in the story I just read, and they made me giggle.  Over time, language evolves.  Look at the crazy lingo we have learned from texting.  BRB. LOL. You get the point.  

But there are what I call old fashioned words, made up because.....   well, did people feel there weren't enough words to express themselves?  Or a generation who needed words to express themselves while also confusing adults?

Betwixt

Balderdash

The 70s had their own slang, like groovy, cool beans, and peace out.  Or the ones we have come to think is the norm, ie smog is a combo of smoke and fog. Now its just dirty air.  

Spork

Chillax

Words. 

They're the cat's pajamas.

Make Dreams Happen

In August, 2009, I wrote about a package sent to me by a good man. He totally understood my reasons and a dream to one day own my own home.  So he sent me a single fence picket, painted white. Because every home comes with a white picket fence, right?

He believed in me. That helped. A lot.

When things happened, they happened fast.  I was casually looking looking at listings, unsure if I could actually make it happen. 

My realtor took me to a house. It was ok but didn't... say "this is home".  He said there's a house around the corner...... I walked through, it was a foreclosure. But I wasn't in the car 5 minutes before I was calling the realtor back, saying YES to the house!  I signed papers in December 2009.

Having that man believe in me, to encourage me to go for my dream, meant everything.  And I hung that white picket fence on the wall, added a hook, and now my purse hangs there every day.

Every time I look at it, I remember the man, and also that if I put my mind to it, dreams can come true!!!  Just work hard and don't lose focus.  

PS: I have lived in this house longer than any other house before, including the house I grew up in. Major accomplishment!! And thank you, MrN, for everything you taught me.

Love is a Verb

I moved fron Santa Clara, Cali to Ohio in 1998, away from Mom.  I moved my mom from Santa Clara, Cali to Arizona in 2022, close to me.  

And it wasn't until last year that I finally realized that I'm a much happier person away from her.  

She had some trauma in her childhood, and has never dealt with it.  It affected our growing up years without it being recognized.  And its affecting her as she ages.  It comes out in odd ways.  

I have been reading about childhood trauma and their effects as they are adults.  And there are many opinions and different "how tos". Today I read something that really struck me.   For emotionally immature parents, love is a noun.  The feeling is there. But love is a verb.  Say it, show it, do it.  Being there for your kids shows them your love.  

And I just couldn't get that out of my head. When parents withhold showing their love, it trickles down to kids, grandkids, etc.

Why do I keep going down this road? I can't change my childhood, and there won't be any "fixing" because for my mom, there isn't a problem.  

I have never considered this as a root of problems, but sometimes just knowing adds a level to my patience and acceptance. 

Hold This Brick

It started off as a one or two "help".  "Can you make me an appointment .....?"  

Here, hold this brick.

Then it's driving to the appointment, and oh, can we stop at the grocery store?  

Here, hold this brick.

It accumulated over time. But you never get to put those first bricks down. Pretty soon, you're making all the phone calls. Then handling the bills, the checking account, reordering medications, filing taxes.

Here, hold this brick.

Over time (a short 14 months) I am now handling every aspect of mom's life. And even though there are people seeing to her basic needs every day, it's not enough. 

Three texts since I saw her less than 36 hours ago, complaining about my brother not answering her texts and have I heard from him?  Add to that, I brought her 18 rolls of toilet paper 8 days ago, and she needs more.

Here, hold this brick.

She wants her house sold some days, other days she wants to hold on to the hope that one day she will return to it. 

Here, hold this brick.

Her severe anxiety, most of which is brought on by her continual worrying, increases her pain, causes crying jags etc makes her unpleasant to be around. Yet I continue with the visits. 

Here, hold this brick.

Her in-facility doctor group no longer accepts her insurance.  Her facility just increased her rent by 25%. 

Here, hold this brick.

My arms are full, my back aches. When does this end??

Getting Self Back

In dealing with mom issues, I find that it wipes me out.  So much that I tend to come home from visits and just veg ... sometimes for hours.  

Which has resulted in letting my own stuff slide and I have decided to .... "take a stand" ... for myself. 

I quit doing my photography for lots of reasons, with many excuses.  Well, no more. I've decided to take it slow, taking pix without any specific reason, to just enjoy the process.  Easy themes like light or texture. 

I prefer my Canon digital, but some with my phone is OK too.  Whatever keeps my mojo going!

It also has a part in taking pix of things that bring me joy. 

Using AI for Help

I'm not sure I'm up to claiming an AI boyfriend or companion, but I did indulge in a little AI chat about getting off my duff and using my treadmill again.

After several insightful questions about my current use, and my long term goal, and taking into account my occasional aches and pains (sine Im old!), it suggested a slow start.  And today is day 1.

I got through those 10 minutes, my Day 1, and it went OK.  Having a reasonable plan, with goals that aren't extreme, will be a help!!   

Maybe AI isn't such a bad thing! If we use it to be helpful in personal goals.

My Helps with Mom Issues (lonnng)

I have an extremely difficult relationship with my mother.  I've written about it often. But mostly its been unconstructive blurting out what has been happening.  But that's not good enough. I might feel better in the moment, but it doesn't fix anything. 

While I didn't start out with this intention, I ended up having an hour's worth of chat with AI about her.  And I copied here some of the responses that spoke to me. And now I have it in writing, I can read them if things start going badly when I visit her.

Release the guilt: You are not responsible for her moods, her happiness, or her conflicts. It is perfectly fine to distance yourself to protect your mental health.

Offer sympathy without offering solutions (e.g., "That sounds tough," instead of "Let me fix that").

Because she lacks the psychological tools to handle difficult feelings, her nervous system completely collapses when she is upset.

Panic attacks are likely very real to her physical body, but they are still being weaponized to control you. It is a defense mechanism to force you back into the "caretaker" role.

If she is having a true clinical panic attack, nothing you say can fix her nervous system. She needs professional medical or psychological intervention, not her child's compliance

What to say: I am going to step away into the other room so you can have the space to calm down. We can talk later when things are quieter.

Do not check on her every two minutes. Let her sit with her feelings. If you believe she is in genuine, immediate physical danger, call emergency services. Do not step in to play the hero yourself.

Healthy adults can hear a boundary or a disagreement without having a physical meltdown. Her physical reaction is an internal system error on her end, not a reflection of your cruelty.

Acknowledge the emotion once, then stop talking. Let the silence sit. What to say: "I'm sorry you're feeling sad." Then change the subject or go back to what you were doing

It sounds like this is a pattern called somatic weaponization. Because she cannot—or will not—put her uncomfortable feelings into mature adult words, her body does the talking for her. By escalating her internal self-pity into physical hyperventilating and crying, she successfully moves the goalposts. The issue is no longer her emotional immaturity; it is now a "medical emergency" where she is completely blameless, and you are forced into the role of the panicked responder.

If she claims something is physically wrong with her health, treat it as a medical issue for professionals, not a chore for you.What to say: "If your chest hurts and you can't breathe, we need to call an ambulance / go to the urgent care right now." Watch her reaction: If she magically calms down or says "No, no, don't do that," you have your confirmation that the symptom is a tool for attention, not a medical crisis.

Visiting three times a week while dealing with this level of emotional manipulation is exhausting. If your mental health is suffering, you are allowed to drop down to two visits, or even one visit a week.

---- all of these insights, if you will, are a bit scary because yes, she has done all this. I don't discount the real issue of pain in her leg, it can't be easy losing muscle control, forcing her to lose control of most other things in her life. And as much as I wish for things to have been different, they are what they are.

My mantra this year is patience and acceptance.  But it doesn't mean I lose myself in the meantime.

What If ???

What if ...?????   We have all wondered that from time to time.   I'm watching a movie on HULU, and high school class of 2008 has to go back to high school as 34 year olds for two weeks to get their diplomas.

Can you imagine ... what if?  You're back in your high school classroom, but you're 34 years old.  What if you talked to that crush you had back then? What if you did better with your school work?  The possibilities could be endless! 

I found the movie to be more spoof than substance, somewhat distracting from the overall idea.  The emphasis on the social aspect of high school, being obsessed with sexual overtones, parties, and relationships was exaggerated but in an honest look back, it sums up the typical high school experience. 

As kids, we thought we knew it all. And maybe part of the problem has to do with the things we are taught. The fundamentals, the three R's, are a good foundation. But there is so much more to learn.  

In jr high, I recognized that I wanted something different. But being 12, 13, 14 its hard to put a label on what you perceive as missing.  I did the bad stuff - got caught smoking in the girl's restroom. And suspended for three days along with being grounded for ... a long time.  That's when I decided to go a different route - studying and getting good grades so I could make something of myself. 

I got the grades, was nominated for an award, but that was the end of it. Didn't win. Because I couldn't pass the verbal interview portion.  That was one thing they didn't teach back then ... confidence to speak to adults in an interview situation.

I still have "what if ??? " moments.  My biggest:  what if I had stood up to my parents and not gotten married that first time? I tried telling them two weeks before the wedding I didn't want to get married. Their big concern was the money spent, the people they invited.  They didn't listen to my reasons, just drove me to Pastor Dan's for counseling, who agreed with me and my reasons. Even so, I caved. 

But what if I hadn't?

What Da Funk ?

I've been in a deep funk in the past and I recognize the symptoms.  It feels like I'm headed that way again.  Most of the time, I know how to head it off.

I started the day getting up and dressed at 6am and took my garbage bin to the curb.  Then a short 10 minutes on my treadmill. I also started taking my Vitamin D and Magnesium again.  I packed up two more boxes, and that feels good.  My house is looking more "minimal" than ever!! 

Maybe its the heat. In order to conserve $$$ , I've been setting the thermostat at 83.  Feels cool when you've been outside where its over 105, but if you're trying to work indoors, 83 is a bit warm. 

My brain knows this isn't a good place to be, but its difficult to get out of when you don't go to a job every day, and just do the stuff mom needs. Today I ordered her "stuff" from the grocery, Sunday I will pick it up and schlep it to her apartment.  Then there was a letter to write to get some funds transferred. Bank balances to check.  

But I managed to do some "me" stuff as well.  Finding relatives is my hobby, and today I found some pretty good stuff.  The marriage registry from 1863 for my great great grandfather.  Which then got me relatives on great great grandmama's side in the early 1810s.  I always wish for photos, but back then, hard to come by. So I've been settling for a .jpg of the registry, or copies of the census, that sort of thing.  The ones from Sweden I have to get translated .... thank goodness Google does that for us now!!!  I'm old enough to remember when it couldn't!! Yikes! 

With every day's struggles, I keep reminding myself to find some little joy .....

Pleasing Our Parents

Pleasing parents seems like a lifetime job.  It was another crying day for mom. She wants me to tell her what to do to "fix" her leg.  Hellifino.  Then she cries.  She wants to entertain me like I'm a guest coming to visit.  And when I don't "engage", she gets mad. And then cries.

The mood shifts she has can be very tiring.  There's a bit of guilt that seems to be tossed into the middle of the room as shes having them, and I have to tell myself "not my issue".

When she gets this way, we end up spending time in her hallway ..... she rolls up and down and somehow feels better.  Then she rolls back into her room, I'm behind her and she holds up her hand like shes hailing a cab and then opens and shuts her hand .... her signal that she wants me to hold her hand.  

It gets old.  I'm sorry she has such issues, but she tries to shift the problem to someone else. But no one else can fix this for her.  I've tried to engage her to go to the library with her colored pencils to color for a change of scenery, but she "hates" the elevator.  The dining room is another option,  but she spends plenty of time there.

And to top it all off, even though I see her 3x week, she waits to tell me what she needs from the store ... a good excuse to start up a convo by text.  Guess I'll be going shopping. 

I know in my head its not my job to "fix her", but at what point in our lives do we stop trying to please our parents?