Entertainment

Off and on I have tried to find things that entertain mom. She's impossible at times, and lately its getting weirder.  She wants books to read, but doesn't like romances with sex. Doesn't like mysteries, biographies  or books with murder.  So what CAN she read??  Maybe some old time Nancy Drew! lol

I hiked my way in to Walmart and bought her a puzzle ..... but got "I've already done that one".  *sigh*

There is always a complaint.

What did you do yesterday?  "Nothing much" (because I have learned that if I tell her what I did, she will either tell everyone or she will comment in a negative way, even if its just  "got my oil changed".)

Have you heard from your brother? He doesn't answer me when I text him.  "Nope" (not gonna referree this one!)

Heard from Tucson? "Nope" Hope they're doing all right. I sure wish they'd come visit me.  But its too hot for them to travel. Only it's not as hot today! (Supposed to be 104, Mom) Oh that's tooo hot.  I gathered up some puzzles maybe you can wheel me down there to leave them in the cupboard.

And that was my first 10 minutes with her.  

She won't go to other scheduled activities like the afternoon games, the evening movie, the 9am coffee chat, etc.  She just waits until I am there to be her "entertainment".

Then it was a request for eye drops.  "You have eye drops in the medicine cabinet."  They're not the right ones. I need something for sore eyes. "What kind of sore, what does that mean?"  The med tech came in and I asked her what she thought.... eyes aren't red so no pink eye, no allergies.  We just decided that she needed a different lubricant drops. It also means another trek into Walmart. Mom cheerfully says, Oh that works out, you have to return the puzzle anyway.  *eye roll*  

I know its my thing this year for patience and acceptance, but some days are harder than ever.  

Intermittent Fasting (Again)

Im trying to take control of my self again. So I decided to go back to IF. 

Its nearly 16 hours since I've eaten.  *growl* I downed a bottle of water at 5am (24 oz) and then a Diet Coke at 6:30. *growl* I have 45 minutes to go. *growl*growl*

But what is our society's hangup with food? Everything seems to revolve around it. Meeting for coffee usually means adding a donut, or pastry.  Or there's "let's do lunch". Except eating in restaurants isn't something I enjoy. Who wants to pay for a $12 lunch that includes more food than a person can eat? Or maybe it's should eat?

Back in 1987, I remember when McDs had their SuperSize it campaign.  You could order a number 1 (Big Mac with fries and a drink) then super size it to get a bigger drink and bigger order of fries.  Wasn't healthy eating, but yes, I confess, I SuperSized it! 

Even now, mom in her assisted living apt, plies me with cookies, candy, drinks, even though I usually arrive with my own bottle of water. And she knows I don't do sweets .... but that's how she grew up.  Feeding people at every turn. 

I did well on IF last year, but let myself slide as my schedule with helping mom had been shifting from day to day. Now that its more stable, I can work in my meals on a schedule. 

I started with 16:8 as my fast:eat hours, but will work back up to 18:6.  Part of the struggle will be our summer heat. Not so easy to get out of the house to do something when its over 105, which means being cooped up with food in the house.  So wise purchasing is very important.

Between more treadmill time and less eating time, the goal is to be more healthy.  

Waiting .... waiting ..... Yay! *growl*  Time for breakfast!! 

Treadmilling

I forced myself to walk the treadmill today (again).  

How long does it take to move from 'hate it' to 'liking it' ?

Years ago (many years ago!) I was a gym rat, going six days a week, personal trainer twice a week. That's why I bought the treadmill, figuring if it was here at home, I would use it because I didn't have to travel. 

At least I don't hang my laundry all over it.  hehehe such a cliché. 

18 minutes, started at 12 incline and 1.0mph. Then dropping down 1 every 90 seconds. For every incline drop, up the speed by 0.2mph.

Next time I need to start the speed at 1.5 because my heart rate didn't increase quick enough.

Am I the only one who makes up silly patterns to keep the treadmill interesting? to keep my brain engaged?

I Like Words

Hornswoggled 

Hoosegow 

Words are something I get. I like to write, always have. The problem is that I am not very focused when I write.  There are people who seem to find a niche, and go with that.  Healthy living.  Raising babies. Life on a farm. 

But I just go with wherever my thoughts, my heart, leads.  Or whatever crazy stuff evolves in caring for Mom. 

Maybe I just don't like limits.  Or maybe I am ADHD. or OCD.  Any one of those alphabet diagnoses could fit. 

Mostly, Im just me, and it sometimes reveals itself.... oh well.

So what's the point of these words?  They happened to be in the story I just read, and they made me giggle.  Over time, language evolves.  Look at the crazy lingo we have learned from texting.  BRB. LOL. You get the point.  

But there are what I call old fashioned words, made up because.....   well, did people feel there weren't enough words to express themselves?  Or a generation who needed words to express themselves while also confusing adults?

Betwixt

Balderdash

The 70s had their own slang, like groovy, cool beans, and peace out.  Or the ones we have come to think is the norm, ie smog is a combo of smoke and fog. Now its just dirty air.  

Spork

Chillax

Words. 

They're the cat's pajamas.

Make Dreams Happen

In August, 2009, I wrote about a package sent to me by a good man. He totally understood my reasons and a dream to one day own my own home.  So he sent me a single fence picket, painted white. Because every home comes with a white picket fence, right?

He believed in me. That helped. A lot.

When things happened, they happened fast.  I was casually looking looking at listings, unsure if I could actually make it happen. 

My realtor took me to a house. It was ok but didn't... say "this is home".  He said there's a house around the corner...... I walked through, it was a foreclosure. But I wasn't in the car 5 minutes before I was calling the realtor back, saying YES to the house!  I signed papers in December 2009.

Having that man believe in me, to encourage me to go for my dream, meant everything.  And I hung that white picket fence on the wall, added a hook, and now my purse hangs there every day.

Every time I look at it, I remember the man, and also that if I put my mind to it, dreams can come true!!!  Just work hard and don't lose focus.  

PS: I have lived in this house longer than any other house before, including the house I grew up in. Major accomplishment!! And thank you, MrN, for everything you taught me.

Love is a Verb

I moved fron Santa Clara, Cali to Ohio in 1998, away from Mom.  I moved my mom from Santa Clara, Cali to Arizona in 2022, close to me.  

And it wasn't until last year that I finally realized that I'm a much happier person away from her.  

She had some trauma in her childhood, and has never dealt with it.  It affected our growing up years without it being recognized.  And its affecting her as she ages.  It comes out in odd ways.  

I have been reading about childhood trauma and their effects as they are adults.  And there are many opinions and different "how tos". Today I read something that really struck me.   For emotionally immature parents, love is a noun.  The feeling is there. But love is a verb.  Say it, show it, do it.  Being there for your kids shows them your love.  

And I just couldn't get that out of my head. When parents withhold showing their love, it trickles down to kids, grandkids, etc.

Why do I keep going down this road? I can't change my childhood, and there won't be any "fixing" because for my mom, there isn't a problem.  

I have never considered this as a root of problems, but sometimes just knowing adds a level to my patience and acceptance. 

Hold This Brick

It started off as a one or two "help".  "Can you make me an appointment .....?"  

Here, hold this brick.

Then it's driving to the appointment, and oh, can we stop at the grocery store?  

Here, hold this brick.

It accumulated over time. But you never get to put those first bricks down. Pretty soon, you're making all the phone calls. Then handling the bills, the checking account, reordering medications, filing taxes.

Here, hold this brick.

Over time (a short 14 months) I am now handling every aspect of mom's life. And even though there are people seeing to her basic needs every day, it's not enough. 

Three texts since I saw her less than 36 hours ago, complaining about my brother not answering her texts and have I heard from him?  Add to that, I brought her 18 rolls of toilet paper 8 days ago, and she needs more.

Here, hold this brick.

She wants her house sold some days, other days she wants to hold on to the hope that one day she will return to it. 

Here, hold this brick.

Her severe anxiety, most of which is brought on by her continual worrying, increases her pain, causes crying jags etc makes her unpleasant to be around. Yet I continue with the visits. 

Here, hold this brick.

Her in-facility doctor group no longer accepts her insurance.  Her facility just increased her rent by 25%. 

Here, hold this brick.

My arms are full, my back aches. When does this end??

Getting Self Back

In dealing with mom issues, I find that it wipes me out.  So much that I tend to come home from visits and just veg ... sometimes for hours.  

Which has resulted in letting my own stuff slide and I have decided to .... "take a stand" ... for myself. 

I quit doing my photography for lots of reasons, with many excuses.  Well, no more. I've decided to take it slow, taking pix without any specific reason, to just enjoy the process.  Easy themes like light or texture. 

I prefer my Canon digital, but some with my phone is OK too.  Whatever keeps my mojo going!

It also has a part in taking pix of things that bring me joy. 

Using AI for Help

I'm not sure I'm up to claiming an AI boyfriend or companion, but I did indulge in a little AI chat about getting off my duff and using my treadmill again.

After several insightful questions about my current use, and my long term goal, and taking into account my occasional aches and pains (sine Im old!), it suggested a slow start.  And today is day 1.

I got through those 10 minutes, my Day 1, and it went OK.  Having a reasonable plan, with goals that aren't extreme, will be a help!!   

Maybe AI isn't such a bad thing! If we use it to be helpful in personal goals.

My Helps with Mom Issues (lonnng)

I have an extremely difficult relationship with my mother.  I've written about it often. But mostly its been unconstructive blurting out what has been happening.  But that's not good enough. I might feel better in the moment, but it doesn't fix anything. 

While I didn't start out with this intention, I ended up having an hour's worth of chat with AI about her.  And I copied here some of the responses that spoke to me. And now I have it in writing, I can read them if things start going badly when I visit her.

Release the guilt: You are not responsible for her moods, her happiness, or her conflicts. It is perfectly fine to distance yourself to protect your mental health.

Offer sympathy without offering solutions (e.g., "That sounds tough," instead of "Let me fix that").

Because she lacks the psychological tools to handle difficult feelings, her nervous system completely collapses when she is upset.

Panic attacks are likely very real to her physical body, but they are still being weaponized to control you. It is a defense mechanism to force you back into the "caretaker" role.

If she is having a true clinical panic attack, nothing you say can fix her nervous system. She needs professional medical or psychological intervention, not her child's compliance

What to say: I am going to step away into the other room so you can have the space to calm down. We can talk later when things are quieter.

Do not check on her every two minutes. Let her sit with her feelings. If you believe she is in genuine, immediate physical danger, call emergency services. Do not step in to play the hero yourself.

Healthy adults can hear a boundary or a disagreement without having a physical meltdown. Her physical reaction is an internal system error on her end, not a reflection of your cruelty.

Acknowledge the emotion once, then stop talking. Let the silence sit. What to say: "I'm sorry you're feeling sad." Then change the subject or go back to what you were doing

It sounds like this is a pattern called somatic weaponization. Because she cannot—or will not—put her uncomfortable feelings into mature adult words, her body does the talking for her. By escalating her internal self-pity into physical hyperventilating and crying, she successfully moves the goalposts. The issue is no longer her emotional immaturity; it is now a "medical emergency" where she is completely blameless, and you are forced into the role of the panicked responder.

If she claims something is physically wrong with her health, treat it as a medical issue for professionals, not a chore for you.What to say: "If your chest hurts and you can't breathe, we need to call an ambulance / go to the urgent care right now." Watch her reaction: If she magically calms down or says "No, no, don't do that," you have your confirmation that the symptom is a tool for attention, not a medical crisis.

Visiting three times a week while dealing with this level of emotional manipulation is exhausting. If your mental health is suffering, you are allowed to drop down to two visits, or even one visit a week.

---- all of these insights, if you will, are a bit scary because yes, she has done all this. I don't discount the real issue of pain in her leg, it can't be easy losing muscle control, forcing her to lose control of most other things in her life. And as much as I wish for things to have been different, they are what they are.

My mantra this year is patience and acceptance.  But it doesn't mean I lose myself in the meantime.

What If ???

What if ...?????   We have all wondered that from time to time.   I'm watching a movie on HULU, and high school class of 2008 has to go back to high school as 34 year olds for two weeks to get their diplomas.

Can you imagine ... what if?  You're back in your high school classroom, but you're 34 years old.  What if you talked to that crush you had back then? What if you did better with your school work?  The possibilities could be endless! 

I found the movie to be more spoof than substance, somewhat distracting from the overall idea.  The emphasis on the social aspect of high school, being obsessed with sexual overtones, parties, and relationships was exaggerated but in an honest look back, it sums up the typical high school experience. 

As kids, we thought we knew it all. And maybe part of the problem has to do with the things we are taught. The fundamentals, the three R's, are a good foundation. But there is so much more to learn.  

In jr high, I recognized that I wanted something different. But being 12, 13, 14 its hard to put a label on what you perceive as missing.  I did the bad stuff - got caught smoking in the girl's restroom. And suspended for three days along with being grounded for ... a long time.  That's when I decided to go a different route - studying and getting good grades so I could make something of myself. 

I got the grades, was nominated for an award, but that was the end of it. Didn't win. Because I couldn't pass the verbal interview portion.  That was one thing they didn't teach back then ... confidence to speak to adults in an interview situation.

I still have "what if ??? " moments.  My biggest:  what if I had stood up to my parents and not gotten married that first time? I tried telling them two weeks before the wedding I didn't want to get married. Their big concern was the money spent, the people they invited.  They didn't listen to my reasons, just drove me to Pastor Dan's for counseling, who agreed with me and my reasons. Even so, I caved. 

But what if I hadn't?

What Da Funk ?

I've been in a deep funk in the past and I recognize the symptoms.  It feels like I'm headed that way again.  Most of the time, I know how to head it off.

I started the day getting up and dressed at 6am and took my garbage bin to the curb.  Then a short 10 minutes on my treadmill. I also started taking my Vitamin D and Magnesium again.  I packed up two more boxes, and that feels good.  My house is looking more "minimal" than ever!! 

Maybe its the heat. In order to conserve $$$ , I've been setting the thermostat at 83.  Feels cool when you've been outside where its over 105, but if you're trying to work indoors, 83 is a bit warm. 

My brain knows this isn't a good place to be, but its difficult to get out of when you don't go to a job every day, and just do the stuff mom needs. Today I ordered her "stuff" from the grocery, Sunday I will pick it up and schlep it to her apartment.  Then there was a letter to write to get some funds transferred. Bank balances to check.  

But I managed to do some "me" stuff as well.  Finding relatives is my hobby, and today I found some pretty good stuff.  The marriage registry from 1863 for my great great grandfather.  Which then got me relatives on great great grandmama's side in the early 1810s.  I always wish for photos, but back then, hard to come by. So I've been settling for a .jpg of the registry, or copies of the census, that sort of thing.  The ones from Sweden I have to get translated .... thank goodness Google does that for us now!!!  I'm old enough to remember when it couldn't!! Yikes! 

With every day's struggles, I keep reminding myself to find some little joy .....

Pleasing Our Parents

Pleasing parents seems like a lifetime job.  It was another crying day for mom. She wants me to tell her what to do to "fix" her leg.  Hellifino.  Then she cries.  She wants to entertain me like I'm a guest coming to visit.  And when I don't "engage", she gets mad. And then cries.

The mood shifts she has can be very tiring.  There's a bit of guilt that seems to be tossed into the middle of the room as shes having them, and I have to tell myself "not my issue".

When she gets this way, we end up spending time in her hallway ..... she rolls up and down and somehow feels better.  Then she rolls back into her room, I'm behind her and she holds up her hand like shes hailing a cab and then opens and shuts her hand .... her signal that she wants me to hold her hand.  

It gets old.  I'm sorry she has such issues, but she tries to shift the problem to someone else. But no one else can fix this for her.  I've tried to engage her to go to the library with her colored pencils to color for a change of scenery, but she "hates" the elevator.  The dining room is another option,  but she spends plenty of time there.

And to top it all off, even though I see her 3x week, she waits to tell me what she needs from the store ... a good excuse to start up a convo by text.  Guess I'll be going shopping. 

I know in my head its not my job to "fix her", but at what point in our lives do we stop trying to please our parents? 

Hidden Relatives

I challenged myself today to some (more)  research on the internet.  

According to legend, my great great grandma was in love with someone of the swedish royal family.   They couldn't marry becauae she was a peasant girl.  

She emigrated to the US around 1887/1888.  In most census', shes listed as Kajsa, mother of Charles.  He was her youngest son. She lived with them through every census. She is buried in the family plot in Thief River Falls.

So here's my difficulty.  She came to the US with 3 sons and a daughter.  Family parish records in Sweden are quite complete, and quite searchable.  None of them have been found.  And I'm a good researcher! 

I figure they changed their names and quite probably their birth dates in order to hide. But what were they hiding from?  Or who?? 

The legend about a tryst with a royal someone seems far-fetched as according to  Google, the Royals lived on the other side of Sweden, and our family says they were from Varmland.  They are approximately a 5 hour car ride apart.  Back in the 1800s, it would be all day on a horse.  

But for clarity, saying you're from Varmland is like saying you're from Calif, lots of space, many small towns.  

On the other side of the family, I was able to pin down details:  they were from Kringsberget, a small, historic, and rural area located in the deep forests of Södra Finnskoga within Torsby Municipality, Värmland County.  I even located the church they probably attended.  

So why is it SO difficult to find my other  great great grand and her children???  Frustrations!! 

The timber structure was built primarily between 1831 and 1835 based on blueprints by architect Axel Nyström.  

I have a passion for old churches and barns. This one is fabulous! And yes, this one makes me smile!!  But I seem to be living in the wrong place and time, there aren't many old churches and barns in the Valley of the Sun! 

My Snake

When you're the family historian, you end up looking up things that are old.  Like finding a record of your great grandfather's great grandfather. He married in 1820.  Yeah, old stuff.

But in the make me smile category, I bought my snake plant when I moved into my home 16 years ago.  And its still alive! (lol) 

The only plant that has survived me ... 

Dracaena trifasciata, commonly known as the snake plant, is a popular, low-maintenance houseplant known for its tall, sword-like leaves with green and yellow or white stripes.   Can grow up to 4 feet tall, but indoor plants are often smaller. 

In Feng Shui, it is believed to bring good luck and protection when placed near entrances. 

It sits in my bay window, always has. They don't like a lot of water, and I have discovered that giving it a few ice cubes creates a slow drink.  Helps me not to over water!!  

Assisted Living Isn't Perfect

When caring for an elderly parent, unless you're the one doing the caregiving, you dont have an idea of what really happens.  Even when they go in assisted living, that's not the end of your care giving.  

Someone still has to pay the bills. Me. Someone still has to make sure she has toilet paper. Me.  Tissues. Incontinence pads. Me. She still needs visits from family.  Me.  

And she waits until I am there to wheel her around because "there's too much pain" to wheel herself around. 

When the insurance company drops the doctor, or the doctor drops the insurance, who calls to arrange another doctor.  Me. Transportation to the doctor. Me. 

I'm not trying to be full of myself, that I do everything.  But I do plenty.  She doesn't want to make decisions any more, but she can be demanding if the right decision isn't made. 

It's a weird fine line to tread making them feel like they are involved without divulging details that would cause more worry.

Every time I visit, I am the bag lady. I am the one hauling all the stuff she needs from store to car to her apartment. 

If you have elderly parents, don't think that assisted living means what you do for them ends.  It doesn't. 

The Guilt Gene

So my mom's favorite grandson: she has doled out money and babysat his kids, and practically raised him growing up.  He hasn't visited her since February. 

Today, he's asking if I will babysit so him and his gf can go dancing.  Babysitting means *I* drive to his house and then drive home in the dark.  And frankly, late nights aren't my thing.  I'm usually in bed at 730.

So why do I feel guilty if I say no?

Am I wrong for not wanting to babysit?  I love being with the kids, but late nights don't work well for me.  Yes, we should do what we can to help family. But to go dancing? Is that helping??

Why is it we seem to have this guilt gene where we feel guilty about choosing ourselves over others??  Where does that come from? Is it ingrained? Or are we trained by our mothers to have this?  

In many of the self help books "its OK to say no."   That has never worked for me.  My mom is the type who will volunteer people to get something done. And she's very good at making you feel guilty if you don't.  I was volunteered to "pick up my nephew after school" and mom said "you can do this right?"   But it turned into picking up my nephew, helping with homework, watching his sister as well, then taking them both to their after school activities too.  Soon the 2:45 pm pickup turned into late evenings.  I wasn't getting home before 5pm and sometimes not until after 7pm. 

So I'm trying to not feel guilty about feeling guilty.  

Sometimes it feels like an endless cycle.

Pizza and Pepsi

Joyful things:  Its my first slice of pizza in 18 months.  I was craving this a few weeks back, and yet resisted indulging. 

Until today.

But as I sat there munching on a slice, I realized that it wasn't about the craving.  Its more about remembering my son.  

Brian: we shared many many (MANY!) pizzas over the years.  

I miss him every single day.

But Pizza and Pepsi makes me smile!! 

Another Smile

It would be so easy to grouse about my day (and I do it often enough!)  There's not much that compares to what a woman goes through for one of those female type exams.  And being old, had most of those parts removed, it seems like ages since I had to do this.  But I did it anyway.

But one of the things that salvaged my day was scrolling through internet stuff and finding old photos of relatives. 

This is a photo of my grandmother's sister's son, Eugene.  I'm not sure of the year, but guess it to be late 1940s.  He served in the Army, WWII. 

Every chance I get, I troll the internet for relatives.  It makes me smile when I am able to find those very interesting relatives! 

But then there are the ones who emigrated to America and changed their names -- frustrating to track!!  Great Great Grandmama comes to America with four sons - each having a different last name --- and the story that she was in love (and pregnant) with a member of the Swedish Royal family, but they weren't allowed to marry because she was a lowly peasant girl.

Every time I think about it, I want to stamp my foot and demand my crown!!  Hahaha just call me Princessa!! 

Men in uniform --- so handsome!!

Thank you for your service! 

AZ Humor

I got up and washed my car today.  Once back inside, i was scrolling through the news blurbs .... and there's a headline that says "Arizona has a chance of rain this weekend" so I opened up my weather app .... and its listing a 1% chance of rain Saturday and Sunday,

But we are optimistic here ... always hoping for those summer rains!  

I'm crossing my fingers! Of course it will rain..... I washed my car!! 

Here's today's joy:  the clouds that moved in (because I washed my car) make for a gorgeous sunset!!  

Joyful Things

I heard a woman on the radio today, talking about a fence she saw made of wood, with tulip cutouts in it.  And she said it was something that brought her joy!  

She also explained that she and her sisters have been sharing photos on a daily basis of whatever brings them joy. 

And it made me think.   Would that make a person focus on joyful things?  And would the process of sharing photos keep you accountable, to focus on noticing the little things???

We are so busy doing this and that, it seems to keep us from noticing the little things that bring us joy.  I remember one visit with my granddaughter and we walked looking for things to take pictures of.  We saw a ribbon someone had dropped, and then a leaf shaped like a heart.  

As for me, today's joyful was what I consider a vice:  I watch an episode of M*A*S*H every day.  The characters never fail to bring me a smile!!!

Take a few moments to notice little things, and if one of those things makes you smile, snap a pic.  And maybe share it.  The world needs more joy! 

Keep 'Em Golden

I remember bits and pieces of things I was told growing up.  I'll be 67 this year, and I remember being told being retired was the golden years.  Um. Not.

The real truth is that at this age, every little pain in scrutinized by your brain.  Was this because I did something a little different a few days ago? Or is this something more serious?  Do I need to see a doc, nip it in the bud, so to speak? 

Ignoring pains, or masking them with aspirin or ibuprofen is doable. But is it the right thing??

I was awakened with a pain in my right side the other night.  And immediately my brain starts doom-scrolling through the bad thoughts.  Appendicitis? Diverticulitis? Why do we always assume the worst possible scenarios?

In truth, it was probably a muscle strain, using a muscle that has grown weak from lack of use over time. It always makes me shake my head, because assuming the worst is so easy to do.

When or what causes us to train our brains to head to the worst scenarios first??  Why is the negative easier than the positive?? Can we relearn to think positive? 

Either way, these golden years aren't what they told us they would be.  As a body ages, the decline is somewhat gradual.  Its sort of like raising kids: when you see them every day, you don't notice the changes. But there are little changes every day.  

To keep your years golden. Do something for yourself every single day. Take a walk, lift some weights. It doesn’t have to be an all out workout... because every little bit helps! 

Tiiired

At mom's (again) and it was a day of "do this".  Take me to activity room to pick up my project.  Take Me to get my mail.  Help me fill out voter registration.  Why is there so much mail --- you take all this.   

Yep, this is my life.

But it never goes well when I don't sleep well.  I was awake at 1am, and just got out my Kindle because I couldn't get back to sleep.  I tried taking a nap before I came over, but didn't sleep, just a short nap.

Tylenol PM on deck for tonight!! 

Cut the Ties???

When do you cut the ties????

I'm the oldest daughter, and am taking care of mom's stuff now that she's in assisted living. And because of a family history of bad blood over money, I'm not willing to rock the boat.  As an added complication, I never graduated college, and my sister and my sis in law did, I have been talked down to much of the time.  That doesn't mean I don't have a brain, or that I haven’t used it.  

I learned how to invest my money in stocks on my own and its doubled over the years. So how bad can my "smarts" be????  Always a source of bad feelings.  

Here's the problem.  Mom bought her house for $520k.  Avg houses in her area right now sell for $475k.  So that's a bit of a loss.   But we are still paying electric $60/mo, garbage $79/mo and gardener $100/mo, insurance $1500/yr, and real estate taxes $1500/yr.  Money is going out, and I'm trying to guess  if/when home values will go up. 

I want to sell the house and put money in her money market account.  My brother waffles on what he thinks we should do.  He first wants to hang on to it, wait for the price to go up. Then he wants to rent it out.  Rentals here avg $2K/mo. Barely covers our outgoing expenses.  But will home values go up enough to cover our outgoing along with purchase price?  Not in the next 2 years, I'm positive.  

He doesn't call me for "mom" updates, he doesn't call mom very often. I end up calling him to let him know how mom's doing.  And while I'm here doing the day to day, he and sis in law keep doing their lives, camping trips or vacations often, etc.

So ... do I cut ties?  Or don't I?  Do I just move forward and start selling her house for her?? Because one advantage is not having to deal with the sale after she dies.  Yes, there's a trust, but even still, all the problems will fall on me because I live here, he doesn't. 

All of his waffling is causing me stress,  and I am the one who drives over to her houae every week to make sure things are OK.  Along with dealing with her *moods*

So .... my dilemma to cut ties or not? All at once? Or maybe something modified?  Decisions, decisions.  My peace of mind depends on it.

Healthy Eating

Healthy eating can be quite confusing.  Who can you believe any more??  There was a government food pyramid in the 70s that doesnt seem to match up with anything current.  

Google is a lousy help, you get a bunch of ad based opinions, and ads are driven by money.  

And its the same with supplements.  They might say "take Vitamin D3"  and then they tell you it isn't effective without taking K2. 

One opinion I just saw today says "stop eating dairy to lower cholesterol". 

Then there are the vegetables we're supposed to eat, the chemicals and insecticides used to yield a "better crop" .... is "better" what we're really getting??

Most of the time, I just say "Eh" to all the hype....  if there was a magic food, we'd all know about it, right,?? 

But we should also be the best we can be. Junk food in moderation,  etc etc.  Its hard to replicate the foods we ate in the 40s and 50s, because everything has been modified in one way or another.

I'm not sure there's any perfect solution. Just take whatever advice seems right for your body, and go from there.  I did my part, I bought a bag of baby spinach to add to sandwiches this week!

Doing Dishes

I think I might need a part time job.  It's a struggle to live just on social security.  The day to day isn't so bad, but it's when something goes wrong it gets to be a struggle. 

I started my dishwasher this morning, and its making a strange noise. Its 9 or 10 yrs old, so I suppose its time for a replacement. 

SHIT.

When it rains, it pours.  

And I'm getting tired of the rain. 

On a secondary note, I made my meatloaf to feed my meatloaf craving.  Why is it that sometimes our memory remembers it better than reality??  It's still edible, and tastes fine, it just wasn't.... what I remembered. 

And now that I've washed all the dirty dishes in the dishwasher. I think rather than cooking meals, I'll be eating sandwiches for a while.  Because doing dishes every day ... well that's what I did growing up.  Yuck.

Time Travel & Choices

If you were given the opportunity to go back in time to a point in your life where you could change things, change outcomes, would you?

And how would you choose that point?

But as always there are other choices to make before you decide ........  Would you go back with the knowledge you have now? Or choose to be making a completely fresh start? 

Ah, if only....

Of course, these thoughts come from a book I'm reading.  But, do you ever look back and wonder "If only I'd made one different choice .... would my life be different?"  And different could be better, or worse.  

With every choice we make, there are outcomes.  I like that word better than consequences, which seems to imply punishments.  

With age, a person seems to have more time for introspection, to mull over the past. Which leads to wondering about the times where you had a choice to make that might impact how your life would turn out. 

And that becomes a whole series of "what if.... " questions. What if I hadn't married my high school boyfriend?  Or what if I had continued with college??  Or back even further ... in high school as a sophomore, I chose a senior elective in Economics, and really liked the challenge of the class.  I did a comprehensive book report on the banking industry and liked it! That could have been a stepping point into a totally different life. But I listened to my parents' viewpoint of "you can't do that ...." and dropped it. 

I look back at my past loves... I could have ended up in Pennsylvania, or some other state, I suppose.  With one choice, I ended up leaving Calif and living in Ohio. (Oddly enough, I liked small town America!!)

But our choices determined the path of our lives, and here we are. But that doesn't mean our next choices can't be life changing.  Even small choices can have an impact.  I could choose to go for a walk in the park and perhaps meet someone new!!!

Our lives are full of choices, each with different outcomes.  Embrace the possibilities!

Accomplished ✔️

Not sure if I can count this as part of a consistency plan, but today I got up and put away the things I have accumulated from my mom's house.  They were boxed and put aside in the garage, not aure if they're need or not in the future.  

I joxed ip toys she kept for when the grands came over.  Admittedly, I had bought most of them when I was still working. Nothing beats toys that hit the clearance shelf!!

And then some beach towels, five to be exact. Not sure there will be a need, but they were nice, so I kept them. I have a pool in my community .... maybe some day.

So I feel better today about getting something accomplished. 

Yesterday I spent part of my day washing the dishes in the dishwasher that seems to be not working well. Or rather making a strange noise.  I tried to look on YouTube to see how complicated it might be to try to repair.  Easier to just buy new.  But that just makes me like the younger generations, use it and toss it.  

I also accomplished my visit to the bank to check my accounts.  I opened my account in 1999, the gal was impressed! And the teller, well, has wasn't even born when I opened my account!  LOL. Updated my savings to an account that pays interest, and did the whole double check that I have beneficiaries notated on the account. 

If you haven't ever struggled with that, when someone dies and you try to close the account and you're not named, its a herculean task ---  so make sure you have that specified on your accounts!!   We all do that with our accounts through our employer, but this one is easy to overlook! The banker was trying to explain it over the phone to someone and I had that same struggle when Brian died. 

So, a sense of accomplishment for me this week .....   ✔️  Always a very good feeling!!

What's next???  Bring it on!!!  Ha ha ha

Being Consistent

In my Insta feed, I read about someone who started a "consistency challenge".  How did Insta know I was being inconsistent??? Haha

But. I read the post, and the list wasn't difficult.  Most of it read like a To Do list, with the time to accomplish each task. 

This seems like a good way to form a habit. They used to say "it takes 3 weeks", but Google says it takes longer, 18 to 254 days.  That might be due to the complications of the habit.  Something simple like water first each morning before caffeine wouldn't take too long. (I have that one down!!) 

If you were going to try for consistency, what would be on your list? I use Tasks for some of the repetitive things, but what if I want/need something more every day based? 

Like exercise.  Its SO easy to find something else that needs doing over exercise. I have loads of equipment to get a home workout, including my Bowflex treadmill, so why do I avoid it?  

Maybe having a list, a specific time slotted for exercise?  Would it take 3 weeks? Or more like 254 days for it to be a habit?? 

*sigh*  Being consistent with something can be life changing, but why is it so difficult?  If it was easy, we'd all be doing it, right???  Maybe some vitamins would help!!!

Where's My Oomph??

I am a fixer. When something needs doing I can usually jump right to it. Its been my life philosophy to be proactive and fix things before they're too far gone. 

But I can't seem to get a handle on my own side of things.  I am wasting days not getting much done.  Although I will be enjoying meatloaf on toast for dinner because I  managed to get that cooked up yesterday. But thats all I got done yesterday. *sigh*

I guess I will begin by starting a To Do list so I can stay focused and get things done. First up, a banking appointment tomorrow. Its just so overwhelming.  A friend of mine suggested finding a therapist to talk to.  But that probably won't happen.  

Time to head to Walmart to buy some things for Mom. 

Allergies

I've never been one to have allergies to pollen, grasses or plants. But something happened to me!

I woke up in the morning with my face puffy, my eyes nearly swollen closed. And the skin on my face was very itchy.  But why???

I was at home all day the previous day. I don't recall eating anything out of the ordinary. I don't remember touching something I've haven't touched before. I packed up one box of dishes, but .... that's the only thing that might be it,,,,, ?

After visiting Mom, I came home, took a Benadryl and then a long shower to see if I could wash away whatever in case its a contact kind of allergy.  *sigh*  The puffiness went down some and it itched less as the day went on.

Hopefully a good night's sleep will be the last of whatever allergy is!  But the not knowing can be very frustrating!!!