Counting Backwards

I saw a post about calculating time backwards and realized its exactly what I do!!  If I need to be somewhere at 2, its takes 30 minutes to get there, so 130. I want lunch that's 30 mins, so 100. An hour to get myself showered and ready so thats 1200.  I need to empty the dishwasher, take out the trash, vacuum, so thats 1100.  

Well, you get the idea. My day plans backwards based on what needs to be done and what time I need to be there.  I've always done this, I have always been a planner type person. 

What surprised me is that not everyone does this. How do they get things accomplished in a day?  How do they arrive on time??  Although I shouldn't be surprised. My sister wasn't the kind to be on time.  In fact, we nicknamed her "LoriLate" because she was. Always.

Which has me wondering: is this a result of learning how to get things done? Or does it have something to do with being raised a certain way?

Its obvious I have mother issues, something I didn't allow myself to ponder or acknowledge until lately.  So, did I learn to think in this backwards way because I grew up knowing that I had to have X, Y, and Z completed before I could do anything else??

I could so easily make a list of things I do that I'm only beginning to question, things I do because of something I grew up with that influenced my actions.  And its quite easy to surmise that it affected my relationships ...

I'll continue pondering this.  I need to meet mom at the dentist at noon, 15 minutes drive time, an hour's worth of household chores,  so I need to stop writing and get working in 15 more minutes ......  

Have a great day! 

Defeated and Pissed

So I'm a little old lady, retired, just doing my thing.  I am always a rule follower and my community is ruled by an HOA.  Which is ok, keeps the neighborhood kept up. 

But 3 days ago, someone dumped an old chair frame on my front yard.  Personally, I think its the neighbors next door, but I can't prove it.  

Today, I got a notice from the HOA to remove said garbage or be fined by them.  

Talk about upsetting.  I promptly wrote them back, telling them I would remove said trash and have it picked up.  I wanted a record that said I took care of the problem this time, but also to advise them there may be a problem with folks dumping trash in the neighborhood.  

Talk about upsetting!  My stomach is in knots and its only 445am.  Another exciting day on my horizon!! 

To add to this frustration, my brother has decided to come visit-- and I already worked my ass off cleaning out moms house to get ready to sell. There's no dishes, no bedding on the beds, no bath towels or bath carpets. I even took down shower curtains.  

Just how much is this old lady supposed to take????? 

Mom Time

Another strange Mom day.  I don't know if its a change in meds, or her having too much time on her hands to think.

Its arizona monsoon season and when it gets rainy we get what we call sewer roaches indoors. She tried spraying one on her bathroom floor with Lysol air freshener. lol 

Then she complimented the shirt I was wearing, something I nabbed from what I call "the rag bag" --- which is really the back of the closet. 

Next was a rant about the mop board in her bathroom below her sink. She wants me to buy some white paint to cover the water stain. I said Ma, you don't own this place, that's something maintenence takes care of. This was also her passive-aggressive way of saying she wanted me to get some paint and to DO the actual painting for her.  Nope.

I try to maintain my cool when she gets on one of her rants.  It's not always easy, but why stir up a fight?  I don't win, and it gives her more to throw back at me.

But it was a beautiful sunrise this morning- what I call cotton candy clouds.  It pays to stop and take notice of the little things. 

Comparisons

How often do we judge ourselves by making comparisons?

In school we learned by comparing ourselves to classmates.  Her dress is better than mine.  He kicks the kickball farther than me.  That drawing is much better than mine.  Is it innate? Or do we learn to make comparisons?  Is it something that happens naturally because of parenting?

I like taking pictures, and I suppose some of them are better than average. I've always been comfortable behind the lens. And nature never disappoints, if you're looking.

But I get caught up in doom-scrolling social media, end up following professional photographers, and then am so disappointed in my own lack of skill that I don't take any photos.

Its like comparing ourselves to classmates.  She can have a pretty dress, but there are lots of pretty dresses .... what's with believing there's only one??  OK, a simple idiom, but what causes that kind of thinking??

I will never be a famous, adventurous wildlife photographer -- you have to leave your comfort zone for that -- and I don't. But photos don't have to be ... perfection.

I saw a post about taking photos for the sake of taking them, about noticing the subtle beauty around us all the time.  A cloud, a flower, even an ant carrying a crumb of bread. 

Maybe that's the point of maturity, the one where we finally stop comparing ourselves to others and learn to just be ourselves. I grew up with the phrase "keeping up with the Jones' ", and extremely disliked being compared to whatever was 'the thing' in that moment.

For me, the point is to learn to stop comparing, to knowing there will always be someone better at things.  

The only thing I need to be better at, is being better than I was yesterday. 

Never Stop Learning

I'm old.  I will be 67 in 3 days. They say you can't teach an old dog new tricks.  But that doesn't mean old dogs should stop trying.

We live in a different world than when I was growing up.  Learning came from doing, or from books. But these days there's Google, and I like being able to learn things, even if its just trivia.

Mom watches Heartland. The main character Amy is a horse woman in real life, and the horse on the show, Spartan, is her real horse.  See? You learned something new!  And she really sings, along with Jack, who really plays guitar.  

I Google plenty of things when I read. Someone drives a 1972 Ferrari, I look it up. Watching TV (Stay Close on Netflix), there's a sculpture in a park, had to look it up. "Dream is a sculpture and a piece of public art by Jaume Plensa in Sutton, St Helens, Merseyside."

I do the same with music, if someone is listening to a specific tune, I look it up and listen.  

Theres no shortage of things to know. Even if they're not relative, like learning math or English. Its still knowledge 

Never stop learning.

Hot, Hot, Hot

We had some high heat Friday.  Phoenix broke a record at 117.  I usually keep my thermostat set at 83. And my AC unit keeps up pretty well.  So why does it feel so much hotter??  Because I know it's that much hotter outside?  Probably the humidity, I prefer our usual 10%.

My bedroom has two outside walls, so I'm wondering if I should sleep in the spare bedroom? Or on the air mattress in the living room?  

Except I sleep that much better in my own bed. In my own room.

Either way, the heat can be brutal. Drink, drink, drink.  

And the next day, its 106 at 10am. Whew.

I remember one of my first few years here, I was going to run to the corner store,  I hopped in my car and the dash read 124 degrees.  I wonder if my car said that yesterday, as well?

Here's my mantra for the next 45 days, "hurry up September 15th!!"  By then the days are short enough to be able to feel the reduced heat.  

One day at a time.

BFF and the 70s

My BFF was my BFF before they were called BFFs!!   We met when we were 12, just starting junior high school, overwhelmed being in a new school with kids from other schools.  We were a strange mix. It was 1970, which was a strange time in history.

Chevy introduces the Vega, and Ford introduces the Pinto.  Palestinian terrorists hijack four airplanes, destroy one after evacuating occupants.  And we were in the midst of the Viet Nam war.  But politics didn't touch us as kids at our age.  

My BFF phoned me today, and we spent three hours reminiscing the things we did, like riding our bikes from home to Westgate shopping mall, 6 miles away. We would get a cold soda and wrap it with a paper towel and foil to keep it cold, and slip it onto our bike racks. We stopped halfway at a school to enjoy our drink.

Then there was Jack in the Box on one corner, and The Bottle Shoppe where we could buy cigs.  Taco Bell, shopping at Lawrence Square, or Mervyn's. Later it was Vallco Mall, where we spent many long Saturdays!  We had places to go, and the freedom as well.

Growing up in the 70s was .... a wonderful experience.  Slurpees at 7-11.  Meeting friends at the local public pool and swimming all afternoon.   We stayed out after dinner until the street lights came on.  We drank from garden hoses.  Hide and seek in the dark, group "dates" to the movies: American Graffiti, Cromwell, Gimme Shelter! 

We lived during a decade of so many things going on around us, and we enjoyed the freedoms in our childhood!  When we look back, it seemed like the very best of times! 

We had rock, funk, soul and the rise of disco had just begun.  We had an oil crisis in 1979, with gas shortages and long lines waiting to fill up. And then there was Watergate.

There were drive in movies, including Grease, Jaws, Smokey and the Bandit, and The Godfather.  And in 1977, Star Wars. 

It was THE decade to grow up in, and spending time with my BFF reminiscing makes me feel young all over again!

Heat Makes Me Cranky

Driving to visit mom, its hot, very hot, and going to be hotter Friday and Saturday.  Ah, the things we deal with in our Valley.  Sadly, because of the rains it is also humid.  Personally, if its going to be hot, I hope it dries up the humidity.

When we moved Mom into her care facility, we all talked about how its time for her to stop gifting money to her grandkids. They're all adults.  Except today, she tried to gift me birthday $ and I had to remind her we agreed to stop doing that. I understand her mindset, feeling grateful I visit and take care of things. 

At the same time, her gifts have a passive aggressive side benefit that she uses to fuel guilt on my part to take care of her because she 'pays me'. 

And yes, the heat is making me short tempered and cranky. 

So I decided to entertain myself and talk to Gemini, and told of an incident where I was on vacation at mom's and had brought her a short (15 min) slide show of recent photos I had taken. Halfway through, her grandson stopped by to wash his truck, and she went outside to help (meaning supervise) him.   

And my AI answer was "That behavior indicates a sharp boundary issue, a lack of consideration, and a clear reprioritization of her attention mid-activity. It highlights a painful shift where a structured, shared moment with you was instantly abandoned for a casual task with someone else."

More questions were asked and answered, and its odd how what I learned dealing with her is a lifetime pattern, and with those AI responses and information, my feelings are validated. 

It then went on to predict how she would react to situations (ie not answering her texts immediately) and gave me info on how to make adjustments to my phone.  

I realize AI is informational. But mom asked if we could play a card game, and I said I didn't like playing card games, AI said it was the correct response.  I'm acting as caregiver and daughter, we are not BFFs. Even though that is the role mother wishes for me.

Navigating through tumultuous emotions is like walking on eggshells over a minefield. I am trying to majntain my own self, my own peace while still providing care and support to my mom.   Summer heat makes it that much harder as there isn't much time spent in the outdoors .... think cabin fever! 

Next week, I get to accompany her to the dentist. 4 months ago she had got a crown, yesterday she told me her tooth is bothered by hot and cold. She said she didn't mention it because she didn't want to be a bother, and she thought it might go away.   

Yep. That's Mom.

It's Not Fair!!!

It's not fair!!!  How many times did you say that as a kid??  You ask mom if you can go outside, and she tells you no. Your first thought is "it's not fair!!"

You and a coworker both working hard at the job, and the coworker gets promoted,  "it's not fair"!! 

At what point jn your life do you stop thinking that.  Does it ever end? 

I'm still working on finalizing the stuff that needs to be done at Mom's house.  It's gotta go, and my brother is dragging his feet. And yep.... It's not fair!!

He was going to come back to "help". Instead, he posts pix of camping trips, concerts, etc., while I am doing the mom thing.  

It's easy to complain about the fairness, but sometimes its easier to suck it down and just get the job done.  So that's what I'm doing.

It's my role in the family dynamic.

And its not fair! 

PS took yesterday as a mental health day, as in I am not making a single decision.   And I didn't!  Some days, making a decision is beyond my mental abilities!!  But today, what's next? Time to decide!

Sound Of Silence

The original Sound of Silence was performed by Simon and Garfunkle, back in 1964.   As a kid, I was like 5, music didn't have much of an impact on me, rather just nice melodies in the background.  

This was a common song, played often on the radio. By the time I was a teenager, I knew the words to this and Bridge Over Troubled Water, both iconic songs for the times.

But in 2016, it was performed on Conan, by Disturbed. That is THE dreamiest version of the song I have ever heard.  David Draiman performs with an orchestra (love the kettle drums!).

His voice control is amazing. He made the song come alive, and I have watched this over and over, and over again.  He starts out in a smooth baritone and finishes with a raw edge in his voice that leaves tingles!! 

As the song builds to an amazing crescendo, when he sings the final sound of silence you can actually feel the audience in stunned silence themselves. 

If music moves you, and you haven't seen this, search for Conan and Disturbed. You won't be sorry!!

Another Wrench

Just when you think you have a handle on all of this ..... there's another monkey wrench in the mix.

When my Mom was put in assisted living, we decided to get a Power of Attorney -- just in case.   And now, months later, her banking institute wants us to use THEIR forms, and have them notarized.

My mom is wheelchair bound. Transporting her isn't just a hop in the car.  So I suppose I will have to have another mobile notary (at another $50).

There's always f*cking something. 

And I feel like I'm always stuck in the middle.

Strange Monday

I was driving home from mom's and this big white pickup honked and I thought WTF?  I slowed, and he pulled in behind me, flashing his flashers and I thought was this some weird cop car?? Then he pulled up beside me again and lowered his windows, so I did too.  He said I had a baggie on my back window.  I pulled over, it was a baggie of wall anchors that I had tossed on my car.  lol

Then I was scrolling the local news. There was a bank robbery attempt at the bank where I do my mother's banking! Glad it wasn't my day to be there!

I ended up doom scrolling for over an hour because I looked at one screen of 70s music,  and it kept showing me more of the same. Hooks me every time as I was a teen in the 70s and that's my jam!!   Stairway to Heaven. Piano Man. Hotel California.  Earth Wind and Fire. Eagles. Lynyrd Skynyrd. James Taylor.   This was a decade of fantastic music! 

But it sure was a strange Monday for me!!

Antiques

There's a lot of news and excitement when someone finds something old, maybe in Grandmas attic, and it ends up being worth a lot of money.  How we all wish we could find something incredible like that!! 

Is this the kind of thinking that causes people to buy stuff ... and hang on to it,  hoping for a big payoff someday?

A lot of that kind of thinking was happening in the 80s and 90s.  My mom went to antique sales and flea markets all the time, buying a piece here or there to finally have a whole set of .... whatever.  But the big payoff never came, and all that stuff was donated when she moved.  

I caught that same bug for a while in the 90s.  Mom started me on a set of dishes by Vernon Ware, not especially attractive, but quite colorful.  When I shopped, I was attracted to depression era glassware, especially pinks and greens. I didn't just hide them away, though. I used them on a regular basis.  If we were having hot dogs and chips for supper, the relish just might have been served in a pink depression era bowl! 

But here I am, nearing the far side of life, and I don't use as much as I own of the stuff. My bathroom counter has a pink candy dish to hold my hair clips. And another clear pink coffee cup holds my toothbrush. 

Maybe these items will be worth something more than I paid for them in another hundred years. In another 14, most of it will be 100 years old!  Most of them are 1930s.

I love things with age. But I think the thing that causes us to buy old things is nostalgia .... Grandma had one just like this!  I remember seeing that in an old photo.... !!  

But with families spread further apart than ever, geographically, the young generation doesn’t have that nostalgia. So they probably won't buy something because of an emotion that speaks to them.  Its like Grandma's china, they don't want it because it's not practical, but they also don't remember having Sunday dinners on them either.

If you have "special" items that you're saving for that special occasion, use them now.  Feel the joy in having them, using them, create memories. 

Saturday Rain

After a nice all-day sprinkles and rain mix on Friday, there was more rain Saturday morning!  

Weather here isn't for everyone.  I like the dry heat.  I left the humidity of Ohio in my rear view mirror.  After a few months in the Arizona desert, I knew I would love it here!! 

While I keep an eye on temperature, I keep a closer watch on humidity. As expected with rain, humidity goes up.  But when its going to be 95 degrees and the humidity is 65% .... ugh!!   We run our AC just to pull humidity out of the air! 

I'll take 105 and 10% humidity every time! But we need the rain.  Because it doesn't rain often, we go out to see it, celebrate it.  There are jokes about Arizonans doing just that,  but what do we care???  hehehe

This was me running out in my jammies to grab a snap of the rain, puddles in my yard. Even rain can be cause for a pause of thanks.

Valley Weather

Here in the Valley of the Sun, sometimes we have strange weather.  

Today's high ... 89.  

Today's low 81.  hehehe.  

But so humid, 76%.

But with a mix if clouds and sun, we get grand sunsets. 

Just a small pause to be thankful.

Letting Go

All our lives, there are things we need to let go. Some are easier than others.  Letting go after high school graduation can be a major letting go. We lose our daily routine and the friends we see every day.

As we move through life, we have other things we let go, relationships, homes, friendships.  And then there is family we let go of, usually through no choice of our own.

I have had my share of letting go. My grandparents have died, along with my father, my sister, and my son. He was my hardest letting go.

After he died, I had to let go of some of his things. And I kept some things. But its been seven years, and it was time to let go of more of his things.  His favorite night light was a small guitar lamp.  

The smaller things haven’t been as hard to let go as the next things:  his guitars.  So I was looking on the internet and found G4V - Guitars for Vets.  And I thought that might be a place to contact, see if they're willing to take his guitars and put them to use by someone who has a need and a want.

I'm still pondering; it will be difficult for me to let go of those final things.  *sigh*

Letting go of things is a part of life, something we should all be better at. 

Thankfully, the clouds finally "let go" and we woke up to rain!! 

Bravo Netflix!

Netflix is doing an awesome job lately, I'm enjoying their new "limited series" format very much!!  

I recently finished "I Will Find You" and "RunAway".  I'm in the middle of "Safe" and just started watching "The Last Ship". 

Usually, I have the TV on for noise, running old episodes of ER or Blue Bloods, background for whatever tasks I'm doing. But these are so intriguing! 

As for The Last Ship, Captain Chandler and his intense blue eyes has jumped up my list of sexy leading men!! Men like Frank Reagan, Jack Bartlett, and who can forget Dr Doug Ross or Harvey Specter! 

Sometimes these leading men are part of my dreams.  I had dinner with Frank Reagan -- twice!!  And Harvey Specter was in one, as well.  Maybe I just get too involved in the stories, and these characters stay with me... good thing I'm not confessing all this to a shrink!  hehehe

Its my empathy trait that connects me, maybe more than most others. But its who I am, it just is. 

Either way, its a pretty good summer when I have stories to keep me so engrossed! 

Safe or Overly Suspicious?

Are you a suspicious type?  I think I'm becoming that way.  It's been a slow evolution. At least, I hope so.

So that had me wondering .... how did this happen?  Its not like a major event happened, I wasn't attacked or anything.

I do like reading mysteries and suspense thrillers, and definitely have an active imagination (maybe overactive at times?)

Since I live alone, I don't answer my door.  A little over the top? Maybe.  Today, someone knocked on my door.  Rang the doorbell. This went on for almost 15 minutes before he gave up.  Usually, they leave after a minute or two. This guy was very insistent.  I didn't have an appointment, and stood there alternately staring and opening my phone with 9-1-1 dialed, even though I didn't press the green button.

I don't want to live always fearful, but at the same time I want to keep myself safe. I'm hoping he had an appointment with someone else on my street and finally realized his mistake.  He's been gone about an hour now, and I'll do one last walk around for peace of mind so I can sleep.

I remember growing up, we never hesitated to answer the phone or open the door when someone knocked.  I don't answer the phone anymore unless they're in my contacts.  And what's up with the new technology that can duplicate your voice to agree to whatever pitch they're making????? How do we protect ourselves against that?  Frankly, we're kept so busy changing passwords and protecting ourselves against so many things .... well it sure doesn’t make life pleasant.

How have we let ourselves get us to this point? 

Not So Good Days

Some days aren't as good as others. I just didn't feel feel so good today, it started about 10am.  Then came a headache.  

So what's your strategy for a bad day?  What do you do for a "reset"?

Between the heat and the humidity -- its currently 104 and 30% humidity --  I've added extra water, took an Advil, and got things organized.  I'm going to make a run to Goodwill in the morning, get rid of some things.  A part of my decluttering process. 

Part of the problem is a lack of sleep last night.  I usually stop caffeine by 3pm. Yesterday, I had a Diet Coke at 5pm.  I know better. But I did it anyway. *sigh*

To further my reset today, I'm going to take a cool shower, and turn on some soothing tunes. Then crawl into bed a little early.

And hope for a better day tomorrow! 

Decision Paralysis

When there are a million things going on atound you, and you're the one left making almost all the decisions, how do you juggle?

There's never an end to the decision making for me.  Mom is constantly needy, wanting things,  having me order them, but when they arrive they're not what she wanted. 

Then there's the bills and the mail.  Lately, she decided she wants to register to vote because she moved. Yesterday, I explained that I hadn't made any phone calls re that because it was the weekend. But she won't be letting it go.

There are my own issues to deal with as well. I'm not getting any younger, and have to have my finances and trust in good order as well. 

My nephew asks if I will watch the kids so he and his girl can go to dinner. Forgive me if I selfishly say no, I can't.

I have tried using my method of To Do lists to help me make decisions. But every day the list grows longer, I never feel caught up. So in reposonse, I do nothing. Or as little as possible. And that's not the right thing, either.

In my ask to Google (or am I supposed to call it Gemini?) it suggested breaking it down, doing only 2 or 3 decisons, then letting it go. To scheduling a time frame to make decisions, ie one hour of decision making tasks, and letting it go until the next day. My brain isn't the kind to "let go".  Which is why they invented games on our phones, right? lol

I think I'll try a combination of these concepts, making a list, committing to an hour to accomplish things on the list,  and putting it aside until the next day.

I'd just like to all be done. But that's not going to happen in the real world. There will always be something we need to decide on.

What's for dinner??????? 

Ps: I committrd to an hour, got three things off my list. *whew*

Mom and Her TV

In the funny, not funny, category, I got a call from Mom yesterday.  She couldn't watch TV and couldn't figure it out.

As usual, I had to take time out to help her go through the steps of turning off the power to her TV on the power strip.  She has a tendency to flip it off and right back on, the tv never seems to cycle completely off that way.  

So she flicks the power strip off and we wait 60 seconds. While we're waiting she starts the tears and the why me's?  Why does this always happen to me?  Of course, living with analog tv most of her life, you turned it on, and it was always there.  Smart tvs need to warm up, reconnect, whatever, and she just doesn't get that.  

Once the crying starts, and the "can you come over" commences, my patience begins to run low. In 7 months of living there, we have gone through this scenario several times. I have to keep taking a deep breath to compose myself, not wanting to rant at her.

I told her to give it half an hour, and I would pop in and see what buttons she pushed. TV always starts up just fine when I am there. 

But 15 minutes later, she calls back and says its working.   I'm sure she kept pressing buttons on the remote until something worked because that's how she is. hehehe

Patience and acceptance.  They can be in short supply these kinds of days.

In the meantime, sunset at 7:34pm with a dust storm here in the Valley of the Sun causes your windows to glow almost orange. Now if only it would rain........ 

Be Creative

Are you creative?  I think when most people hear that word, they might say no, because being creative implies talent.  But talent can be subjective.  Just think of those references in TV and movies to a painting of a big red  dot on a white canvas that sells for a lotta money.

Yes,  we all chuckle over that, but being creative doesn't mean having star quality talent.  Its more about doing something that makes you feel alive, or expresses an emotion.

If you play a musical instrument, you can be creative without being Beethoven. You can still play notes and put emotion into your music. That's creativity. 

"To live a creative life, 

we must lose our fear of being wrong."

 — Joseph Chilton Pearce

And that is probably the bottom line. We may not pursue our creativity because we fear to be wrong, imperfect.  But not using our creativity would be wrong.

So grab a pencil, some paint, give something a try!  Or maybe there's something else that uses your creativity ... gardening, growing beautiful flowers or vegetables. Maybe landscaping, creating a wonderful backyard place to relax in.  

There are no limits to creativity, except those we impose on ourselves.  Be creative today, you'll love it!

Thoughts on Stuff

Thoughts on stuff, for the umpteenth time! In a lifetime, we accumulate stuff. Kids become attached to a blanket or stuffed animal. Later it becomes other things. As adults, we tend to fill our homes with more stuff. 

Why?

Most of it isn't so much as useful as it is perhaps attached to some kind of memory. Or adds beauty over function.  I like being surrounded by my familiar things like most people.  But is it too much? 

"We accumulate things to fulfill deep psychological and emotional needs rather than practical ones. We acquire items to advertise our identity, cope with stress, seek a sense of control, or soothe a fear of scarcity—the anxiety that we will be without what we need in the future."

And maybe, just maybe, we need to take a step back from so much consumerism.  Its breaking our banks,  not to mention overwhelming us at times.

Why these thoughts?  I look around my home and wonder what it is I should pass on to my daughter? Will it be a treasure or a burden??  She has her own stash of stuff in her own house.

I recently cleaned out my mom's house, and didn't want to keep much of it. Consumable items were easy, I will use them. Foil, dish soap, garbage bags, etc. But the things she saved for years?? *sigh* I tried to pick out the most meaningful. 

I started packing things in my home for an eventual move at some point in the future.  I became frozen in place after I got so far ..... then realized that all this stuff packed in boxes was just taking up space.  Is this how I want to live my life?  Can I break it down even more? 

I went through the last two boxes I packed, and narrowed down the choices. I laughed when I pulled out six lime green plastic bowls. I used to use them in Girl Scout meetings back in 2002/2003.  *smh*  so I carted these from Ohio to Arizona, from a house to a townhouse, to an apartment, to a house again, and haven't used them. Yikes! But a good example of stuff I don't use. But it might be useful "someday".  Nope, 20+ years and someday hasn't arrived. 

I know there will be some things I'm unable to part with, but the things that are "iffy", I am photographing them.  A photo will remind me, even though I no longer have the item.

I wonder how I will feel paring things down. I'm hoping I feel good about it. 

Choosing things isn't easy.  Yes, that little vase is cute, and looks just right on my shelf. 

Or does it?? 

My son's Jr high art project, metal etchings his initials mounted on cardstock. He got an A on it. That's a keeper. 

When Fact Meets Fiction

I love it when fact and fiction go hand in hand.  I'm reading a JA Jance book, and she mentions a meeting being held at the church in Tucson at the corner of 22nd and 6th.  

Because I'm an internet junkie, I look up things as I'm reading all the time.  Sure enough, there IS a church on that corner.

And hard to believe, as my son and I were in Tucson, on our way back home, we passed by this very church and decided to stop in, have a look around.  

Its the Santa Cruz Catholic Church built in 1916-1918.   "The Santa Cruz Catholic Church, or Santa Cruz for short, is significant for its construction using unstabilized mud-adobe bricks made in the Tohono O'odham Indian Reservation. It is also the largest known mud-adobe building in Arizona, and the state's only surviving example of a major public building built of adobe. Santa Cruz was added to the National Register of Historic Places in 1994."

I have a passion for visiting old buildings, especially ones not renovated to be "modern".  This was a good one to visit!!

Life-Isms

There are so many little sayings that have carried over the years. So much so, that there must be some truths hidden in them. 

"You can't pour from an empty pitcher."

"An empty lantern provides no light."

"All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy."

"A bow that is always bent will eventually break."

What they all seem to say is take care of ourselves without giving our all to someone else, or something else.  I struggle with this. And I'm not sure why its such a hard thing.

Why do we always seem to be so busy?  What is so important that we can't or won't take time for ourselves?? 

Life seemed so much simpler "back in the old days".  I remember growing up in the 70s thinking life in the 50s seemed better. Now that its 2026, life seemed better back in the 90s.  

So is it perspective that changes the way we think? The way we yearn for simpler times? Or is it that we have allowed society as a whole dictate to us what life should look like?  We constantly compare our selves, our lives, to what we see in the media.

When it comes down to it, I miss the days when we sat on front porches, amd knew our neighbors.  But then again ......

"The people in your life are like the pillars on your porch. Sometimes they hold you up, and sometimes they lean on you.” — Merle Shain

Half Year Mark

Its July. For those of us here in the Valley of the Sun, it just means hot, hot temps and possible monsoon rains.

But it also means that half the year is gone. But on the other side of the coin, there is half a year still left.

What were your dreams or new year's resolution? Did you accomplish yours? 

The good news ..... you still have time for accomplishments.  What do you still want to do?

As for me, it will be indoor projects. I'm not sure what thats going to be, revamping my indoor licing spaces. My house is crowded with "grandma junk".  And when it gets cooler in the mornings, back to daily walks.

There's still time for accompliahments! Pick one, two, maybe three, to work on!! 

What's Your Go To?

Do you have a "go to" when life is upsetting?

I do.

Being a girl, the first go to's are sweets, like chocolate, or salts as in potato chips or French fries.

But sometimes I just like to curl up and relive great, private memories.  One of a kind dates, or was it one of a kind men?? Either way, good memories. And they bring me comfort in those dark hours when I can't seem to get to sleep because my mind doesn't juat turn off the upsetting thoughts going on in the present.

Bit why is it those great memories seem to exclude ex husbands?  Does the negative stuff that happens, things that are said, erase the good times that were surely there at one time?  

And maybe its that way with my "mom stuff" as well. There were good times growing up, but mostly that included friends ....  which precludes the same question: did the negative stuff in my relationship with her crowd out the good times? 

Yes, these odd thoughts are troublesome at times, because we can't change our past, we should just learn and move on. But moving on from relationships can be difficult, or is it the difficult ones are relationships related to us? 

When you have no children with your divorced husband, it is easy to move on because there are no real life issues to be dealt with.  IE even after your kids are grown adults, you still have occasions where you deal with exes- weddings, funerals, the birth of grandchildren-- you aren't ever completely done, making it harder to move on. 

So I curled up last night remembering a great date, and fell asleep, but woke up after dreaming about Joe Pike and his red jeep .... he's a character in a series of books I read.  lol  

At least the things I was worrying over had left my mind for a few hours!  hehehe

I Will Find You

It was 1977.  For eight consecutive nights on ABC.  It felt like the entire USA was watching ROOTS.  I was only 17, and the story was  haunting, following a man from West Africa to the United States as a slave, along with his family and all the things that happened along the way.  

At the time, television consisted of movies, sitcoms and one hour dramas. The miniseries was something we hadn't encountered before.  It felt like a long drawn out soap opera and we became fully immersed!

Now with streaming services having their own programs, they have started doing  something similar.  I'm currently watching "I Will Find You", from a book by Harlan Coben, on Netflix.  And I like it!!  ( I am limiting myself to watch 1 episode per day .... anticipation makes it sweeter!)

Longer and a little more involved than movie, but not endless.  When a book becomes a movie, part of the problem is losing details when you have to shove it all into 120 minutes or less.   But make it into a short series 10 episodes, 42 mins each, and a much better version comes to life on screen!! 

Thanks, Netflix!  This brings something more exciting than network TV into my summer!

Weird Moments

With all the soccer games being played right now, one of the only team names I know (I'm not a soccer fan) is LA Galaxy. 

How do I know this???

Humorous story.

I was on a date in Columbus, Ohio.  We had dinner and then decided we would go to the hotel's rooftop pool and soak a bit in the hot tub. It was quiet for a while, stars in the deep, dark sky, sipping a delicious chardonnay, talking softly.

And then, it became noisy. We glanced around, and here come many young, handsome hard bodies, jumping in the pool, several of them joining us in the hot tub.

Mind you, I'm old and overweight. Felt totally out of my comfort zone around all those young guys. My date wasn't intimidated. He started chatting them up, they told us they were LA Galaxy, chilling after a game they'd played that day.

Hehehe.  Weird moments in this Gal's life.

Looking back, if I'd had my camera with me, would I have been bold enough to snap pix in the moment??  lol

Busy Day!

Busy day!!  I jumped out of bed at first light, then realized it was only 5am. Too early! So I waited until 6, got up and went out to wash my car. Parking under a tree is nice, if you don't count the birds.  Ugh.  

Them it was off to Walmart to exchange Mom's puzzle and find her some eyedrops. At the same time, I found a nice sage green pants and shirt ... hope she likes it.

All my errands done, then relax for a bit, eat some lunch, visit Mom. 

A whole lotta fun kind of day. Haha.

And last night's sunset.

Visits Aren't Easy

A visit to mom's always generates something weird for me.  Her apartment is cleaned every week by housekeeping.  But today, she had *ME* go around dusting things.

She's a saver.  Has shelves full of junk. And under all the junk are doilies. Talk about your dust collectors!  Move everything,  dust dust dust, put it all back.  

Count to ten 

Breathe

Patience

Acceptance

Then another 15 minutes watching TV and *switch*  she wants to learn how to run the TV in her bedroom. It works the same as her other TV, same brand, etc, but she just couldn't figure it out.

Then another 15 minutes later and "she's having some chest pain." The staff here is much better dealing with her than I am. Or maybe its that when they suggest maybe she has indigestion, she believes them. 

But after all that, she started getting her anxiety again.  *fidget*fidget*sigh*tap*tap*tap*sigh*

Another wonderful day in her neighborhood

And it takes me so long to unwind after these kinds of days.  And an hour later, a text because she ?? Wants to talk??  No way.

Some days sure are harder than others.

July 2nd

For me, July 2nd, 2019, defines my Before and After.  My life After has been so very different from my Before.  

July 2 is the day my son died by suicide.

And it left behind so many questions that will never be answered. So many guilty feelings that are hard to cope with. And it left an empty hole in so many lives.

I've read a lot, commiserated with other parents dealing with the same situation. We all share the same ... blank answers to questions that will never be answered.

One of the ways I coped was writing him letters every day, sometimes expressing the hurt, sometimes just telling him family gossip. It was a good way to cope, to feel connected.

I still do these things, just not as often. 

I miss him every day.

Pizza and Pepsi for dinner tonight, and looking at some photos, remembering all the good times.  Cherish those memories.

Color

I grew up in the 70s. Had my kids in the 80s. The world was so colorful back then!  True, I am not willing to go back to kitchen appliances being Harvest Gold or Avocado. In fact, in my first apartment, the appliances were turquoise!!  So 50s, It was fantastic! 

But have you taken a good look around?  Most of the cars are white, black or grey. And if you look on any DIY home repair show, the paint colors are some sort of beige or grey.

Are we losing our color? 

"Statistically, yes. A Science Museum Group analysis found that in 1800, about 40% of everyday objects were colorful, whereas today that has dropped to 15%.

"Modern aesthetics often equate neutral palettes (like "sad beige" interiors or raw concrete) with sophistication and wealth."

Are we losing ourselves in this bland colorless life? 

Its true, we probably get enough color from the stuff we see on our phones.  When I was in elementary school ... or was it junior high? We all wanted to copy the cool kids, how we dressed, the color of our shoes, and later the color of our cars. 

It has been a slow shift to a less colorful world, but is it better?? 

I admit, my bedrooms are a pearly grey, my living areas Navajo White (which is just another kind of beige). But it makes a great backdrop for all of the photos I have hanging on walls. 

One living room wall is wallpapered in a fence pattern with turquoise accent paint. To balance that out, several of the frames and one floor lamp are painted turquoise. I like color! 

My kitchen cupboards have red trim all around, along with a display shelf painted red ..... again, I like color!  

Take a look around you. Have we let "influencers" suggestively insinuate their ideas on us?? Make us believe that muted tones equates wealth or affluence? 

It makes me wonder, how long will it be before things shift back to color again? Maybe we will never have the brilliant blues or greens on cars again like in the 70s, but we shouldn't dismiss colors in other places.

Colors bring joy!