Bra Saga Continues....

So the bra mom wanted to order arrived and I brought them to her today.  She went and tried one on and was full of complaints.  Too loose here, too tight there, and what's with the foam in the cups???

And we're back to square one in trying to find "something she likes."

We looked and looked. She didn't want this, didn't like that, are you sure there's no foam in that one? 

I try to be patient, but she doesn't make it easy. It isn't for me to decide what she should wear, or what feels good on her. I just try to help make suggestions.  

Sadly, she's at that point in life where what she wants is the familiar. I other words, the bra she's probably been wearing for years (and years). She didnt buy new ones, she just repaired or added extenders as needed.  

Theres a whole generation of what I callnthe throw away gen. There's mom on the other extreme of using, fixing, repairing, until nothing is left.  I hope I'm more in the middle, not tossing after a single use, but not holding on for 10+ years because I can. That's how she ended up with 52 dish towels when we cleaned out her house!  

M*A*S*H Fan

I am a big fan of MASH, I stream it on Huku often.  Last night's episode had to do with Father Mulcahey feeling down as he didn't feel useful lately. And his parting comment at the end was "It doesn’t matter if you feel useful going from one disaster to another—the trick I guess is to just keep moving."

Good advice, something I needed to hear.  

So as I deal with Mom crap, disaster or not, it's important to remember to just keep moving. 

The odd part about watching MASH,  it brings on dreams.  In this one, There was a shortage of food, but we found some extra packs of hotdogs, and cooked them up without many people knowing. They exploded everywhere! And everyone was eating their fill and blaming Radar.  

In one part of the dream,  Hawkeye was given an injection of milk in the arm. And convinced me I needed one also. It was against the law to have one, so BJ smuggled a syringe to me, and Hawkeye gave me the injection.  And in my dream still, I was asking Google if a milk injection helped reduce the lactose intolerance of drinking milk.   *sheesh, dumb dreams*

Makes you wonder what the brain was thinking to create these kinds of dreams!!

Saturday, New Day

A pretty good Saturday! Maybe I'm on my way to being more normal!  Got my laundry done, vacuumed the house and went to watch part of my great nephew's baseball game.   And it all felt good.

I also got some Easter cards signed and ready to send off to what I refer to as "the kids". 

Being at the baseball game reminded me how it was when I was raising kids.  I had 3 kids in baseball for many years! Along with one in JROTC, and one in marching band and the youngest in cheer.  Some days, I was more taxi driver than anything else! Haha 

I spent hours warming bleacher seats to watch game after game, sometimes many evenings a week.  And I loved every minute of it!  Its a little awkward watching MrZ because mom and dad aren't together. But we're polite to each other. And that's for the best!

Spent the rest of the afternoon on some art, some cleaning, and a little relaxing. Hope your Saturday was a good one! 

Today is for Me

Today, I am going to do things that please me.  Easy to say, harder to do. We all have responsibilities and relationships that take effort on our part.  

I'm finding I have too much time inside my head. Maybe its good to work through issues, but sometimes its just about things that can't be changed. 

Working through my "mom" issues has been difficult. But I have realized some important truths. I was happier away from her. My second hubs was vocal with his opinions and once mentioned how my mother's house was a shrine to family.  At first I didn't understand it because it was all I knew growing up in her house. But looking back, I can see it. If I had to guess now, I would say it stems from her desire to be close with her family when in reality, it wasn't that way. 

Maybe that's why she insists on striving so hard for that, and what ultimately pushes me away. Because it feels forced. Always has.

Setting my own goals and boundaries to deal with her means she reaches out more. I'm still trying to learn how to not react when she does reach out.  It isn't easy, because I know she expects me to jump when she calls. But I need to let that be her problem. 

I finished her taxes, finished the scrapbooks, and all of that is going to be wrapped up, put away, and my house will return to being my domain. When we closed up her house, I kept some things, more than I needed, but they are boxed up as well. But I need to get back to me and mine. Huge goal, so I'll break it into smaller pieces, do a little each day.

I'm also finding that I haven’t had a feeling of accomplishment lately, and that's important to my well being. 

Working on ME, on my interests, is a must. An important must. Otherwise, I'll just be buried under her thumb.

One Day at a Time

Shes 88, and she hasn't bought a bra in ... hmm... 10 years?  15 years?  And she wants my help to buy one.  

Last week, she had me bring a tape measure because she thought she needed a size 42 band. *smh* she's small, and up until a year ago, she was a size 10.  So, measuring aside, I tried to get her ideals in a bra, because just searching "bra" brought up thousands of choices.  Cotton? Lace? Front hook? Back hook? Underwire? Regular or racer back?

She gave me that stare that says "I don't know" then asked what kind I buy. Um, mom, you and I are not built the same!  So she sits there thinking then grabs her shirt and lifts it up, "one like this".  *geeez*  

Things have changed a lot, and after looking and looking, she finally decided on one.  But damn, it took a lot to figure all this out.

I left her home yesterday at 3pm. In less than 24 hours, I've already gotten six texts.  She is becoming too much for me. I can't live my life this way.  And it has caused me to be extremely moody bordering on depression. And I'm having trouble shaking it. They say key strategies include setting small goals, staying active, maintaining a routine, challenging negative thoughts. 

So that's my goal for tomorrow. One day at a time.

New Goals

It seems I'm always trying to set up new goals, new plans, new strategies to work on myself.  After a meltdown, I realized that changes are necessary.  The situation with mom is NOT going to change, so I have to adjust. 

Her schedule is rigid at her home, with lunch at 11.  Unless I want to sit and lunch with the ladies, I don't get there until after noon. And I leave by 3 so I'm home before traffic starts.  

The way my brain works is to put in the constants then work around that to add in the other stuff that needs doing. Which switches my fasting schedule a bit. Lunch is my main meal. Because I wasn't hungry before I left for moms, I was eating that at 3pm, or later. Not working.  That means lunch needs to be at 11.  

Which means breakfast should be more of a snack.  I was having breakfast at 9, so there's something to switch. Main meal at 11, yogurt at 3pm. Treadmill walk --- because its hot too early in the spring!! -- I need to walk twice, just after lunch, then right after dinner. 

Ok, those should be easy enough to switch around. And they say it takes 3 weeks for something to become a habit. It won't change the feelings that are dredged up, but maybe feeling a little success in this switch will help change the mental part as well.  

I'm crossing my fingers!! 

Star Struck

I don't consider myself as the kind person who gets star struck.  No goofy ideas about trying to meet a celeb ....  even Grant Show,  who was a star on Ryan's Hope and Melrose Place (among others) was "just Grant" to me. His dad was my boss for 20 years,  and Grant was his son at picnics and other events.

As a young teen, I had posters of Donny Osmond, and a six foot tall poster of Bobby Sherman on the back of my bedroom door.

In the past. I have had dreams where I found myself having dinner with Frank Reagan -- never with Tom Sellick, always the character.

Tonight's dream ooo la la was with Harvey Specter.  We were being investigated by some strange women looking for photos of kids (none found!) He was wandering and pacing in my bedroom wearing a big fluffy navy blue robe. Every time things started to look bleak, and more investigators were called in, he would hug me and tell me he was never going to let me go when all this was over.   (Yeah, right, *eyeroll*)

If you haven't watches Suits on Netflix, mmmm Harvey in a moneyed suit. A slick haircut. And a smile that makes women swoon! (And in my dream, he was mine!!!) lol

Imagine my surprise when I woke up here in MY plain old bedroom, sans Harvey ...... *sigh* we could have been so good together .... *giggles*

Considering the way things have been going for me, a really good dream that I was able to remember is much better than recent melt downs.  

One of the mantras I say to myself is "if you want things to change, you have to change things up."  Its time for me to put that phrase to work. To change the order of things to be done each day, and relieve some of the stress and tension that seems to have made a permanent place in my life.  

Thanks, Harvey, for the nudge in a different direction!  *laughs*

Melt Down

Yesterday, I had a meltdown, total tears, feeling very low.  Last week, my nephew asked me to watch one of the kids, and I couldn't. Then he called asking me to watch the other kid tomorrow after my dentist appt.  *sigh*  I couldn't say no, but it made me hit bottom. 

There is just too much going on. Mom is extremely needy, and I have my own life to live in between all of her "episodes".  Then more needs from another faction.  It became too much. 

I turned my phone off.  I can't do any more for anyone else.  

I need a break from all of this. 

And as I sat here blubbering to myself,  another jolt of remembering.  I used to call home twice a week but I always talked to dad, rarely mom. I wonder why that popped into my head now?? 

Me Stuff

Shes 88 and says to her 66 year old daughter "I need a huggie" ??????

Am I unreasonable to think that's just f*ing weird?????

Long ago, I used to smoke. And when I decided to quit, it was cold turkey.  I found it easy to stay quitted because smokes weren't around any more.  The whole out of sight, out of mind kind of thing.

I tell myself it would be easy to lose weight if I could do the same with food -- out of sight, out of mind. But food is a necessity.

My moving to Ohio was the same kind of thing; away from mom was another kind of out of sight, out of mind. 

Now I can't do that because she's here; and finding my way to an acceptable boundary between us seems virtually impossible. She wants more, I want much less. 

My mind constantly runs scenarios. I have this "I know that I know that I know" feeling she will go on (like this) for another 5-10 years.  And I'm supposed to accept that this is going to be the rest of my life?? 

My alternate solution for now is to slowly back off the amount of time I spend with her.  And to drastically back off the amount of stuff I do to "entertain" her.

Its time for me. I've said that many times. I'll probably have to say it many times more. Because she can be relentless in her "me" stuff.  But it's time for me stuff.

Full of Shit

I am in the middle of a personal kind of storm, like a think-fest.  Its easy to reason things away with logic. Its easy to put blame in other places. But each of us needs to own our own shit.

What I mean is I'm struggling to find out how and where it all went sideways in my relationship with my mother.  I can put blame in her corner for her issues; I can put my own blame on not using my adult logic to deal with all of this.

But I realized today (maybe the self help book is working?) that I am still doing things to win her approval, like making dvds to watch of our growing up years. Like building scrapbooks of old photos. Like creating a DIY card for her to assemble, because she needs to stay busy. Of course, the staying busy part is because when she's not occupied with things to do, she sits and thinks and texts me with stuff to do. 

Yesterday, she texts, wanting me to look for her makeup because "its been hard not having her stuff."  (Just a little dig of guilt she's throwing in there because I was the one who said toss it all) When I told her it was all gone, she answers back how she's disappointed (another word used to imply guilt?) And thank you for everything you do for me.  

It's wrong for me to spend all my time creating projects to keep her busy. So why do I keep seeking that approval. I will never get it in the meaningful way I want, or seem to need.

What prompted this train of thought? I was staring at a group of photos in a frame and underneath I had written family is the heart of the home. More wishful thinking? Or was I able to concoct those feelings because I was living far from family, making it easier to remember things as I wished they were? 

It also made me wander around, looking at the photos on my walls -- I have a LOT! -- and I wondered if through another's eyes they would assume I had a good relationship with my mom?  But no, very few of her and I.

All of this intense thinking hase made me wonder: am I full of shit?? 

Self Help Books

I started a new book yesterday. I'm not usually one for self help books, but I came across a reference and it led me to check if my local e-library had it. And they did.

Its a book about emotionally immature parents and how that affects their children.  

My mother was raised by a stepmother, and now in her 80s she has told me as a child she was afraid her stepmother was going to kill her during her sleep.  Thats a huge "whoa!!!" for me just in itself. 

But the first inkling that maybe this book will help is it stated that in order to help myself, I had to disengage from mom. And I did that in 1998. I moved from Cali to Ohio and life for me was better there. I involved myself in my kids' life in a big way. Out from under her thumb, and discouraging attitude, I blossomed. But then I moved her to AZ ... her choice. And I fell right back into patterns.

An opening line:  emotional intimacy involves knowing that you have someone you can tell anything to, someone you can go to with all your feelings, feeling safe opening up to the other person. It can only exist when the other person seems to know you, not to judge you.

In the quest to "teach us how to grow up", there was lots of judgement, mostly from mom.  She was all about "cleanliness next to godliness" and decorum. What other people thought mattered most.

Yes, at 67 its a little late to be correcting things. I'm just hoping that a little understanding can go a long way to making small changes when it comes to the stress of dealing with mom.  Because if I can't relieve the stress, take better care of myself, she could outlive me. 

Therapy can only get a person so far, been there, done that. I was a better person for all the counseling I did (in Ohio, away from mom).  And maybe its a forgiveness issue-- mine, not hers-- maybe I could forgive if the behavior was in the past, but its an ongoing thing. Hard to get out of the cycle once you're stuck in the center again.

Even at this stage of life, she has an ability to "put me in my place".  We are watching DVDs filled with old slides, our growing up years. And she still comments to this day "you always preferred sitting on Dad's lap." I was three! And yet I already has sensed or learned her ways.  Over 60 years ago, Dad's been gone for over 10 yrs, and she still manages to say that line as if it was a bad thing.  Or maybe she was jealous. I dunno. 

Fingers crossed this bit of self help will give me insight. If nothing else, at least I'll know I'm not alone in my thoughts.

It's H.O.T. Today!!

The "norm" here in the Valley of the Sun  is expecting the first 100+ degree day to be in the first part of May.  Here it is March 19 and it's 105 today?!?!?!  

It makes you wonder about the bigger picture of how the Earth is changing, but also leaves me wondering about what the summer temps will hold for us!  

Maybe I need to clear out my garage and make room to park the car indoors this summer!!

I had to give in and flick the AC system on. Hard to believe!

Best Part of a Day

Do you have a best part of the day??  I do.

When I worked, I came home, had dinner and a shower, zoomed thru whatever chores were absolutely necessary, then hop in a shower. 

The hour or two between shower and sleep time was golden! Those are still my two fav hours of the day.

My phone goes on Do Not Disturb.  I grab a bottle of water and open my Kindle, and immerse myself in a story. 

I like reading stories that are part of a series, following a character through book after boom. They become familiar, and maybe a little too familiar, and I'm ok with it.

These two hours in the evening are mine, to relax, to let go, to unwind.  (And to ignore silly texts from Mom.)

 That's how I unwound last night, and I will do the same again tonight, and most nights to follow.  

Find your own best part of the day, and claim it! 

Too Many Choices

Having choices can be a good thing, but is having too many choices a bad thing?

I seem to be operating in a different mode these days and its not always good.  Take  clothing, for instance.  Now that I don't work every day, what I wear consists of too many choices.  Here's how that's taking a toll.  

When I worked, my go to each day was jeans and a polo shirt.  Doing laundry was easy, all the jeans and polos went in one load as they were all dark colored.  Nothing needed extra care. Now, I can choose a top, pants, capris, and some of them are light colored.  Now there's more laundry. So is this a matter of too many choices?

It's the same with meals.  When I worked, I cooked for the week, packed a lunch each morning; dealing with food was quick and easy. Now that I'm home, if I crave meatloaf, I can make one, mess be darned.  Now I'm running the dishwasher every 4-5 days instead of every Saturday.  A matter of too many choices again?

What other areas of life offer too many choices? and could that cause some of the other issues people have with managing time and resources?  I can see where it might.  

For me, it does.  It's much easier to maintain a busy lifestyle with fewer choices than having too many choices.  If I don't have to make a choice at every turn, I have time and ability for other, perhaps more meaningful choices. 

Making life easier by limiting choices. That's how I see it. And I'm going to try!

But will I succeed? 

Geezer Mail

When I was in my 20s and 30s, I got what you might call "normal junk mail".  Once I turned 60, I started getting "geezer mail".  Hearing Aid ads, retirement community newsletters, vision care ads, not to mention all the mail that generates re: Medicare options, plans, and info.  

And its the same on social media.  When I had a dog, I got ads from Chewy and PetSmart.  Now its articles and info about retirement. There seems to be an emphasis on doing things, having hobbies, keeping busy. 

Frankly, I had more than enough "busy" between working and raising kids.  I don't feel the need to fill every silence with tv, radio or talking.  I'm ok with sitting in silence just watching nature, the hummingbird who flies through the yard, the birds singing as they flit around.  Even a bubbling stream if I'm walking in the park is pleasant.

But when I do read an article "suggested for me" I realize there are plenty of retirees struggle with what to do, or having enough to do.  

It seems to me that being retired means finding a new norm.  It might be taking time to learn something you were always curious about. Or to try a new hobby.  Go outside your comfort zone. Even just a little bit, see what sparks an interest. 

Its easy to keep doing the same old things, because they're comfortable.  Doing new things can keep your brain activated! 

No Bad Art

In an attempt to find something to do with mom, I introduced her to Zentangle. Draw a few squiggles, then fill in each little square.  She worked on hers for about 45 mins while we sat outside in the courtyard.  

Gives us something to do, as we rarely have much to discuss.  A 3 hour visit leaves too much time for discussion, as I have found that whatever I tell her?? Gets gossipped around.  *sigh* 

So when she was done, she said "throw this one away".  I said "no, we dont throw away art. "

So .... do we?  Art is subjective, but she has always wanted things perfect or they get tossed.  I spent many years making art, crafts, and such, given as gifts only to have them tossed because they weren't perfect.  

So I'm of the mindset that art doesn't have to be perfect for it to be lovely.  

Keep doing art!

Musical Memories

It doesn't seem to matter your age, when it comes to music, we tend to associate certain memories to a song or a tune.  And each year adds to it.  

Some of those memories are stronger than others.  The song Spiritual by Charlie Haden and Pat Methany is one of those songs for me.  It came up in a Playlist and *sigh* hard to listen to. But I endured.

There are some 70s songs that I remember on the car radio as I headed to work.  There are songs that my son and stepson played on their guitars (over and over!!!) and those can be hard to listen to.  Crazy Train by Ozzy; The Reason by Hoobastank; anything by Metallica or AC/DC .... you get the idea. Kind of hits you right in the soul. 

Tammy Wynette songs remind me of Dad, he loved her music.  Johnny Cash reminds me of my Uncle Bob and having friday night singalongs while he played guitar.  Super Freak by Rick James was a dance song at 4th Street Bowl.  

Funny how memories are stored in our brains.  When the opening chords for Band on the Run by McCartney plays, I can still picture weekends spent as a teen camping at Manteca water slides. 

I'm sure if you think about it, you'll come up with your own.  Let the music play, see what memories are conjured up! 

Who Are You ...

Who are you when nobody's watching??

I saw that as a question in an article about being retired, and it brought up a few thoughts. 

We seem to be defined as different things throughout our lives.  We are child, student, boy/girlfriend, fiancé, wife. Those are simple roles, and then there are the ones created by our jobs, maybe some volunteer work.  

All these roles keep us busy, they keep us concentrated on so many tasks that we are busy doing, rather than being.  

Finding time for ourselves, to be ourselves, takes balance during the busy years. But we can focus and be a different version of ourselves once we are retired, past the busy day to day, and do the things we always wanted to do. 

But only if we pay attention.

Its time for me to pay attention! 

Spring Cleaning

The Valley of the Sun is as different a place I have ever lived. The seasons are much different from places with winter snows.  It was an adjustment becoming accustomed to the differences! 

Spring cleaning your house is what we did after being cooped up all winter. Here in the desert, for me spring cleaning men's preparing for what we call "our winter" of sorts: being cooped up indoors with AC during the heat of summer.  

The extreme heats of summer usually begins mid May when we get our first day over 100 degrees.  But we've had a very abnormal February and March. We had a week's worth of 90+ in Feb, and they are predicting over 100 next week -- in MARCH?!?!?!  Yikes

This could mean a very warm summer indeed!  Life in the Valley is certainly different!  But I wouldn't trade it. Eddie Rabbit may have sung about lovin' rainy nights, but I love my sunny days! 

A First!!

Visited Mom today, and got a s.h.o.c.k.!!

She wanted to go to the craft activity today! 

I was surprised and thrilled. Acceptance on her part for the situation she's in.

Woohoo!

Give Me A Hug

Give me a hug.  It's what mom says to me often. And I've written about it often, because it bugs me.  I was watching old slides with Mom today, and its kind of surreal. Smiling happy kids, smiling happy family pix. Vacations to her home town to visit family. And I find myself trying to reconcile the photos to reality.  

I don't remember any crazy rantings like "get over here and smile for the camera".  But so far,  I'm only 3yo in the photos.  What I do notice is that in later years, I'm not in a lot of photos, not near as many as my sister.  But now I wonder what my reasoning was for not wanting to take photos?

I have a complicated relationship with my mother. And I feel like I'm constantly trying to figure it all out. In the long run, why am I bothering? It won't change anything.

Except its the hugs.  

A year ago, her health started to decline, and her anxiety and agitation increased.  Then she started asking for hugs. Sometimes 2 or 3 during a visit with her.  And I always feel "icky" when she asks and I comply. 

Because I watched my nephew's kids, and they were sick, I didn't want to pass germs to her, so declined the hugs. Today when she asked, I said "up to you, not sure if I'm carrying anything contagious. "  She opted for the hug, but if she catches the bug, she will blame me. That's part of our "pattern".

I've said it before, I get the icks when she asks for a hug. She isn't the kind who gives hugs to make the other person feel better. I remember being forced to "apologize" as a kid, them give her a hug.  Hugs that are forced are disingenuous. For me, they hold no meaning.  

So I dug into Google and found one viewpoint that stated "because they view children as extensions of themselves rather than individuals with their own needs, these hugs often feel obligatory, forced, and "icky".   Apt description.

I have always wondered if her passive aggressive ways were learned. Or was it self learned in order to "survive" her traumatic childhood?? 

I don't know now, I didn't know back then, and nothing is going to change it for the future.  I know boundaries are a good thing to set, and I'm trying to enforce them.  ie I was late going to visit her yesterday, and she expected me to stay later, but I left near 3 as I do every time.  It may have been a small, minor step but I am happy with each step, no matter how small.

It shouldn't bother me as much as it does. "Gimme a hug."   Ugh.

The Right One

Thoughts that flit through my brain ... sometimes I wonder how that can be? Or do others have thoughts, too, and just don't acknowledge them or write them down?

Today's thought was on love, romantic love, finding The One. 

How do we .... what causes our mind, our heart, to want that? And what builds up little things that factor in to finding that love?

As I look back on my life, I realize I wasn't a very good example to teach my daughter about finding The One.  I thought I had found that three different times. Do daughters want/need to find someone like their dad?  I'm sure there's a Freudian thought to all that.  And maybe that's why each of my three didn't last ... none were like my dad. Did I want or expected them to be? Was that part of my failing? 

Even now, at this late point in my life, I can find one or two good reasons to go looking for love.  But just as quickly I can go to "nu uh, no freaking way" do I want to deal with another man in my life.  

But what if he was The Right One?  

Can there be The One in the later part of life??

The tune running thru my mind is "some day my prince will come .... "  was that Snow White?  Was all the expectations of love and happy ever after just a build up created from some fairy tale?? 

Love. Nothing easy about it.

But at least there's good cloud porn from time to time.!

Been A Long Time

Sunday was the "meet up" mom wanted with some old family/friends.  Aunt Shirley and her daughters came to visit Mom at her home. 

I hadn't seen these people since before 1998, so it felt a little awkward.  I'm not one for making small talk. 

Its hard to small talk your way through 30 years!  Lucky, one of them is talkative, and we got through much of it. Technically we visited for an hour.  

Do they teach "small talk" in school? 

Spring Ills

I watched "the kids" a few days ago, they were home sick from school.  And it caught up with me, i started feeling yucky friday afternoon, and spent most of Saturday resting and reading. 

I also took my temperature every couple hours.  Because if I get a fever, I can't visit mom until it's been gone 24 hours. At 88, I'm not sure what her immune system could fight. 

At the same time, catching something means all of the TO DO list items get backed up.  I have to make choices: vacuum or rest? Laundry or rest? Pay bills? Clean the bathroom? Change the bedding?  Many chores, not enough time.  If I choose a chore over rest, this whatever could last longer. 

I guess I have to learn to say no. 

There is too much going on. And I have to take care of me. Why is that so difficult for me?? 

Photographs

I have always loved taking photos.  I never took them to impress anyone. Except me. I snapped pics of what appealed to ME.  And somewhere, somehow, I lost sight of that! 

It's time for me to just take photos for me. 

And with a focus on black and white.  That's always been a passion of mine. 

So many of our choices are made for reasons outside ourselves.  Sometimes we let others dictate to our own reasoning.  For example, it was choices like a) take pix at a park, or b) do some family dinner obligation.  That's an example of a choice I didn't have to make five years ago because I lived alone and other than work, my obligations were to myself, my choices. 

Having Mom moved near me has created obstacles I thought I was done with. She has expectations, and doesn't let things go. And as a girl, I learned it was easier to go with HER flow.  And once she moved here, I have reverted to that pattern. 

It isn't easy breaking those old patterns, but once we become aware, its easier to set some limits, create some boundaries.  And yes, I have started creating more boundaries, limiting the amount of time I allow for doing things for her.  I'm working on it.

Create your own time for yourself. 

Breezey Walk

Temps in the Valley have averaged over 90 for the last 10+ days, but a breeze kicked in some cooler temps. Yay! 

Nice evening for a walk despite the 19mph "breeze".  

This dog watches me from his fence nearly every time I walk.  In my mind, I call him Sarge. Hehehe

As we move toward spring, the sun sets later in the day, and at 5pm, it looks large and in charge!  Thankfully without much heat today!!

Goals Still Work

The sun rises earlier each day here in the Valley of the Sun.  And while I haven’t been able to change waking up each morning around 4am, I have been trying to reset that! Because it can be aggravating!!  

But I'm learning to deal with it. The harder part is being hungry earlier each day.  I can usually wait until at least 8am to break my fast, but with daylight, my system seems to shout "wake up, gimme some food!!" 

To counter that, after breakfast its 15-20 minutes on the treadmill. 

All of these changes affect my eating/fasting cycle.  Work in visits with mom, and its hard to maintain what works for me.

With the sun rising earlier each day, I am hungry for breakfast at 7.  Which also means I'm ready for lunch by 11, though, so maybe this will work. My main meal of the day is lunch, so after visiting Mom, its yogurt with blueberries, a salad, or a cup of broccoli for dinner.

Taking care of ourselves is important; at the same time, we need to live our lives. Choosing isn't always easy, or perfect. 

We all do the best we can. Just be open to alternatives! Its what I'm having to do. And after having written it down here, I can see that moving things, rearranging things, helps reassure me that my goals can still work within the changes.

Time Spent Wisely

With everything going on in my life, I've found that I need to choose how I spend my time wisely.  Not an easy thing to do!

Yesterday, I was asked, and chose, to spend time with my great niece and nephew. MsJ was having a good time.  I brought my "magic bag" that I lug around when I'm with them.  Color books, crayons, markers and a magnetic dress up doll that she plays with often.

Then it was on to Candyland. I think we played close to 20 games. The first few, I won. Then she won and exclaimed so proudly, "I winned, I winned!!!"

Spends your time wisely.  Once it's gone, its gone.

More Patience

Yesterday was a visit to mom. She is complaining about more pain, was texting Saturday evening as if I was able to do something for her. She asked for her meds early, hopefully that helped. I had to turn off my phone.  

She has become too dependent on me. Even though she has nursing staff available, she waits for me to get her needs addressed.  Bottom line, she doesn't want to be "a complainer",  so she lets (forces) me to be the demanding daughter.  Ugh.

She also wants to visit with a cousin, but doesn't want to set it up. She wants me to make the phone calls, set up visits. She also wants me to be there with all of her visits. 

I created a DIY greeting card- painted a background, punched out flowers and leaves for her to glue on.  A simple task, but when she was done, she wanted to know who we were mailing it to. 

Her mind can be a scary thing.  While watching a tv show, she will blurt out sentences and you just know she's busy thinking and not watching her show.  

I guess this is how its going to be.  I keep reminding myself to have patience and acceptance (my words to live by this year), but it can be difficult.  Patience and acceptance.

Ohio Memories

I'm sitting here on a Sunday, sorting out DVDs.  When digital cameras came out, a friend of mine (thanks, Nightsyn!) bought me a computer program called Nero to put slides onto a DVD, along with music, and you play it like a movie.  This was state of the art in 2007!!  And I made avout 100 DVDs of my photos to send to my folks.

But I sat watching the DVD of 2007 in Ohio.  There was snow, and spring, and one of a flag flying upside down at half staff.  I can't remember why!

And I was feeling homesick for Ohio.  I was happy there. I was away from family but I liked living there.  

I wouldn't leave Arizona now, because its home.  In these old DVDs were old ones from 2009 and 2010 where we were fixing up our house on a shoestring budget.  Good times!!