Give Me A Hug

Give me a hug.  It's what mom says to me often. And I've written about it often, because it bugs me.  I was watching old slides with Mom today, and its kind of surreal. Smiling happy kids, smiling happy family pix. Vacations to her home town to visit family. And I find myself trying to reconcile the photos to reality.  

I don't remember any crazy rantings like "get over here and smile for the camera".  But so far,  I'm only 3yo in the photos.  What I do notice is that in later years, I'm not in a lot of photos, not near as many as my sister.  But now I wonder what my reasoning was for not wanting to take photos?

I have a complicated relationship with my mother. And I feel like I'm constantly trying to figure it all out. In the long run, why am I bothering? It won't change anything.

Except its the hugs.  

A year ago, her health started to decline, and her anxiety and agitation increased.  Then she started asking for hugs. Sometimes 2 or 3 during a visit with her.  And I always feel "icky" when she asks and I comply. 

Because I watched my nephew's kids, and they were sick, I didn't want to pass germs to her, so declined the hugs. Today when she asked, I said "up to you, not sure if I'm carrying anything contagious. "  She opted for the hug, but if she catches the bug, she will blame me. That's part of our "pattern".

I've said it before, I get the icks when she asks for a hug. She isn't the kind who gives hugs to make the other person feel better. I remember being forced to "apologize" as a kid, them give her a hug.  Hugs that are forced are disingenuous. For me, they hold no meaning.  

So I dug into Google and found one viewpoint that stated "because they view children as extensions of themselves rather than individuals with their own needs, these hugs often feel obligatory, forced, and "icky".   Apt description.

I have always wondered if her passive aggressive ways were learned. Or was it self learned in order to "survive" her traumatic childhood?? 

I don't know now, I didn't know back then, and nothing is going to change it for the future.  I know boundaries are a good thing to set, and I'm trying to enforce them.  ie I was late going to visit her yesterday, and she expected me to stay later, but I left near 3 as I do every time.  It may have been a small, minor step but I am happy with each step, no matter how small.

It shouldn't bother me as much as it does. "Gimme a hug."   Ugh.