Full of Shit

I am in the middle of a personal kind of storm, like a think-fest.  Its easy to reason things away with logic. Its easy to put blame in other places. But each of us needs to own our own shit.

What I mean is I'm struggling to find out how and where it all went sideways in my relationship with my mother.  I can put blame in her corner for her issues; I can put my own blame on not using my adult logic to deal with all of this.

But I realized today (maybe the self help book is working?) that I am still doing things to win her approval, like making dvds to watch of our growing up years. Like building scrapbooks of old photos. Like creating a DIY card for her to assemble, because she needs to stay busy. Of course, the staying busy part is because when she's not occupied with things to do, she sits and thinks and texts me with stuff to do. 

Yesterday, she texts, wanting me to look for her makeup because "its been hard not having her stuff."  (Just a little dig of guilt she's throwing in there because I was the one who said toss it all) When I told her it was all gone, she answers back how she's disappointed (another word used to imply guilt?) And thank you for everything you do for me.  

It's wrong for me to spend all my time creating projects to keep her busy. So why do I keep seeking that approval. I will never get it in the meaningful way I want, or seem to need.

What prompted this train of thought? I was staring at a group of photos in a frame and underneath I had written family is the heart of the home. More wishful thinking? Or was I able to concoct those feelings because I was living far from family, making it easier to remember things as I wished they were? 

It also made me wander around, looking at the photos on my walls -- I have a LOT! -- and I wondered if through another's eyes they would assume I had a good relationship with my mom?  But no, very few of her and I.

All of this intense thinking hase made me wonder: am I full of shit??