Paper Work

In this digital age, having everything sent to you digitally is great! Until you're trying to gather info for taxes.  I printed as much as I needed ..... I think.

Mom was never part of the digital age, so her paperwork has been piling up on my desk.  It took me HOURS to go through it all, but I finally see the light! 

If things are going as expected, neither mom nor I have to pay taxes this year.  

Hooray!!!

Now I have to create a "system" for dealing with her paperwork without letting it build up all year!! 

Antiques

I'm a fan of Antiques Roadshow,  I have always liked old things, especially those with a known history.  But I keep wondering if I'll ever run across something might turn out to have significant value?  Probably not. 

I have plenty of things that supposedly have "value".  The antique vase that family lore says is from Sweden.  The Jessica signed art print I found in a thrift store. Boyds Bears. Vernonware. Depression glass. The list goes on, but so far, nothing worth much.  

But somehow it doesn't stop me from looking, and wishing!!

And while I'm doing my wishing, I have become an antique myself!!  Hahaha

And in the end, it just might be the wooden bankers chairs from the 40s or 50s I was given from an employer while I was helping clear out a space for files..... before stuff went digital! 

Evacuated!

Interesting day!  I was visiting Mom, and a loud knock ....

 "Everyone evacuate the building!!"

No idea why, but I grabbed my purse and wheeled mom out of the building.  3 firetrucks, 2 ambulance. About 50 assorted elderly in the parking lot under a tree.  Nursing staff.  Office staff.

Evacuating the elderly isn’t an easy task, but everyone made it out safe!

After 20 minutes in the parking lot, residents were let in, but some rooms were still off limits. Those few were put into the dining room. Mom was part of those few!  About 45 minutes later, all residents returned to their room.  Everyone was kept safe from harm. But it was tough to see some of them agitated because they weren't able to be in their room, their safe place. 

Fire dept immediately turned off all gas to the building as a precaution, while someone from the gas company came and checked things out. As a result, staff was unable to cook dinner so they ordered pizza and made salad for everyone!

Everything was deemed OK after 90 minutes and folks were returned to their rooms.  

It became apparent to me that mom isn't the only one who doesn't ... socialize much. I met some folks I hadn't met before, and I am there very often!  Time to stop worrying about her getting involved in something social - she appears to get enough from tv.

Yes, This! and Breathe

I got an email today that spoke about feeling quietly exhausted. It was advertising for a retreat but it said: 

"With your kind eyes, gentle nature, and compassion that emanate from the deepest recesses of your soul - you have always been the one who brings steady presence, calm, and balance to everyone around you.  People come to you for reassurance, loving nudges, direction, and perspective.  And yet, lately, you may have noticed that your own clarity feels a little foggy, your decisions feel heavier, and your nervous system is whispering for a softness you haven't yet been able to give.

"You have been carrying so much responsibility- for your family, your friends, your work, your business, and all those who depend on you.   When this happens, the body tightens, the mind overthinks, and clarity can slip away.

"When was the last time you connected with your joyful persona? How long has it been since you deepened your relationship with your inner child through play, fun, art, music, movement, laughter, and creative expression? "

Yeah. This! 

I've been working toward this, but the pace is slower than I would hope for.  I've always said its the little things, and I still believe that.  So I worked in my yard, worked on my scrapbooks, and took a walk. Spring is here, its 85 today, and the trees are full of new leaves! 

Just breathe. Yes.

Turquoise Nuggets

I have what I consider to be an antique turquoise necklace.  It belonged to a woman who was a missionary, well traveled, and I considered her to be quite stylish.

The clasp is marked "silver" on the back. I haven’t polished it, I kind of like the patina!

So I attempted Google Lens, but the information was too generic. I tried looking up how to analyze turquoise stones. They talked about the color and spider webbing included in the stone.   Then referred to some stones being treated.  The necklace is strung with individual knots between each stone, and has some hefty weight to it - I don't believe they are plastic! But I've been wrong before.  Hahaha

I have owned it since 1993, and have always been curious about it. And will still continue to be curious about it.  

Dreams Are Weird

I had several thoughts for posting, but as I get older, I've come to realize that if I have a thought, it can't wait until later! I should be jotting down notes. 

I had a dream that included my sister and my son (both dead) and those usually freak me out.  I can remember being in my bedroom - the one I grew up in - my son coming in to say goodnight after asking if I wanted some ice cream (lol). 

Next recall of the dream was standing in our front yard under the magnolia tree and my sister telling me I was fat, that I looked like I gained 10 pounds. And I remember saying that overweight was better than being an alcoholic (she wasn't!!) 

I have no idea where all this was coming from.  I mean, yeah, I'm overweight. Yeah, I like ice cream but don't allow myself to indulge.  Maybe part of this dream stems from being "left" to take care of mom, when she was the favored one. 

And maybe I'm better off not trying to decipher weird dreams!!  I prefer not remembering them.

Cloudporn

Friday/Saturday has become my favorite part of the week.  I have designated these two days as non-mom days, and I have been able to sustain that three weeks in a row! Yay me! 

It usually takes me hours, sometimes an  entire day, to chill after spending time with her.  Maybe because the time spent is difficult. Unless she shares gossip about her neighbors, we don't have much to talk about. 

Yesterday, I was able to do some of my own things, putter in my house and yard. More of that today! And to take another afternoon walk in my neighborhood.  And it makes me smile when there are clouds in the sky! 

Clutter Cleaned

I dived in to getting my bedroom cleaned. Sometimes, its the little things that make it look so .... disorganized. Cluttered. Messy. And there's a lot being said about a cluttered room and a cluttered mind.  I thought a good cleaning would help with that.  

I was surprised to find that in my glass dish of jewelry, I had stashed old wedding rings.  I remember getting out old jewelry with the intent to polish it, but it slipped my mind that I had left it out.

And maybe that's been a part of the rough sleep nights, the weird anxious energy level I've been feeling. I keep chalking it up to mom stuff, but maybe its mine, too! 

So I bagged up all the old stuff, maybe it had some latent negative energy? And put it back into the fire safe box in the other room. Another help for my mindset? 

I'm hoping so! 

Kicking Diet Coke

I decided it was time to reduce my Diet Coke intake. Currrently, I drink 3 12ounce cans a day.  So I opted to skip can #2, see if I could do this.  I know it won't be easy, but I should try.

After skipping it, I just didn't have any get up and go!  I ended up in a weird kind of "waiting" mode.  But I have no idea what I was waiting for! There wasn't much on my agenda. I didn't even have the desire to work on scrapbooks or family history.  *sigh*

Maybe it will take a while for the Diet Coke chemicals to get gone. Here's hoping tomorrow goes better. 

Noe, after those 24 hours, and a complete day wasted, I didn't follow through the next day. I'm not sure if I will attempt this again.  I have too much going on to just waste a day and do nothing! 

My "brain trick" I'm going to try in the interim: no diet coke until I drink my bottle of water first!  I've used this in the past. Sometimes, the water does the trick and I can get past the craving. 

Gold Star Charts

For as long as I can remember, I have been the decision maker.  What's for dinner? Was the normal, daily decision that needed to be made.  Once divorced, even tho the decisions only affected me, I was still deciding.

Now that I care for Mom, I have to help with her decisions as well. Some days, it's overwhelming. 

So what helps with that?? How do you reduce the number of decisions you make each day?? 

So I asked Google:  "Reducing daily decisions involves automating, delegating, and streamlining choices to combat fatigue. Key strategies include establishing rigid routines (like a uniform or meal plan), using the "two-minute rule" for small choices, and making important decisions the night before."

Sounds logical, and I do some if it. I automated my bills, and mom's. I stick to a meal plan so that helps. I stick to a grocery list and order online to reduce impulse purchases. Maybe the thing that's become difficult is the established rigid routine.  Easy to stick to when you have to punch a time clock. Being retired means I can do or not do as I please.  

Maybe I need to make that change. Out of bed by 7? Or 8? Breakfast, chores, exercise. Or a to do list?  *laugh*  

Maybe a chart and some gold stars for when I follow the schedule???  How many of you had one as kids? Or did the same for your kids? 

Same Time, Next Year

Same Time, Next Year is a top ten movie for me!  

"The last time I felt like this, i was falling in love ..... long before I knew, what I'm feeling now with you."  A story of lovers who meet one weekend a year and share ....

Have you ever met someone, and felt that instant connection with them? And fallen straight into love?   Just watching it puts me in that "wish it were me" funk. 

And then, another question: when or if you fall in love like that, does that love stop if you don't see each other for years and years?  Does that mean you still love that person? Or is it that you love the ideal of what might have been?

I've been alone long enough that I realize it probably wont happen for me. And most of the time, Im ok with it.  But I still have those moments of longing ....  *sigh*

Racing Fuel?????

Chevron has been "my gas station" over other brands. But because my travel paths in the car have changed, I stopped at a different station.  What I didn't know is that all stations are not the same!!

I pulled in, got out, and swiped my credit card. I reached out to press the correct button to dispense gas, but it wasn't there. Thank goodness for a good Samaritan in a truck who stopped and told me that I was about to put RACING FUEL in my car. WtF??

I have never heard of this!!! But as I looked closer at the pump, it said this pump "doesn't belong to Chevron ".   15 pumping stations and one isn't for @Chevron brand?  Are they allowed to do this??  Obviously, I suppose.  

I pulled around to a regular pump, only put in $20 and decided I am not going to purchase gas at that @Chevron station again!  (Broadway and Val Vista)  No matter how convenient it might be for my new route.

I must be getting old .... I'm losing my powers of observation. Time to pay attention! 

Happy Sunflowers

My attempts toward being a healthier me are most often thwarted by mom and her needs. But I'm making more of an effort now that she's becoming more settled in her home. 

I've been taking walks in my neighborhood most days. Yesterday's walk I found a stalk of sunflowers growing in a yard. 

For me, sunflowers are happy.  But I also found this reference:  The most common meaning, derived from the Greek myth of Clytie and Apollo, is unwavering loyalty and devotion. Clytie, a nymph, was transformed into a sunflower and forever gazed at the sun god Apollo, symbolizing steadfast love and commitment in both romantic and platonic relationships. 

Either way, happy walk and happy sunflowers makes me smile! 

Ephemera

Ephemera: big word for all the little bits of paper stuffs we tend to keep. Mom was an organized hoarder, and had plenty of it!

I took all of it, and I have been sending notes and letters to her grandkids to use it up.  

I got to thinking .... and I do way too much of it lately! .... before internet, email, insta, etc., folks would send snail mail and then you'd receive some back. It was a way to communicate.  Mom was part of that generation, and never moved out of it. When she sent mail, it was with the expectation that she would receive mail back. Maybe that's why she hoarded note cards and stationery, and quit sending notes as she didn't get any back.

So I've been sending it out without expectation. It's the same with the kindness rocks and art abandonment projects I've done.  The goal is to spread smiles, without expectations! 

Hand painted card .... "Let's fly away!"

Ancestors History

"Sun and winds burned the skin on their faces and necks to leather. Eyes narrowed against the prairie sun. The binder kicks up grasshoppers, whose wings flash color against the wheat and grey ground. Clouds of mosquitos rise as well, searching for targets in air redolent of wheat dust and soil moistened by rain. Dust works its way into crevices of skin. Cutting and thrashing is hard work!"

That's what my grandfather told a reporter when asked about being a farmer. My grandfather took over running the farm my great grandfather started when he came to America from Germany in 1898. 

Gramps farmed his land in the Red River Valley of Minnesota from the early 40s until he "retired". He never really retired, though. His life was farming, and he was very involved late into his 90s.  

I'm trying to work on a scrapbook with all these old pictures. The pictures tell a story, but I would like more than just captions like "Gramps on the tractor".  

At first, I wanted it to be more book-like with stories woven around the pictures.  But there just isn't enough data. So it's become  blurbs next to photos when I can, but that's ok too.  

I have some interesting characters in my family tree! Its always been my biggest wish that some of them had kept a diary or journal, I enjoy stories that endear me to the characters and their lives.

Me Days

The mind is a funny thing.  Lately, my mind is all over the board, and looking back over my posts its all related to my mom. I keep trying to get to the bottom, to the reasons, and keep coming to the same conclusion.  Its impossible to find (and correct) logic when there isn't any. 

It reminds me of boxing.  You're always off balance, trying to stay ahead or confuse the opponent. Yet the opponent is doing the same thing.  If/when I pull away from mom, there's a "crisis" and I'm sucked back in. 

And maybe just recognizing this will be a way for me to stay ahead of this little game. I haven't seen her since Monday evening, so just over two days. Its been nice!

It takes that long to get back to being me! I took a walk two days in a row, ate foods that are good for me, and worked on some scrapbooks. 

Negative Energy

Negative energy is all around us, the same as positive energy.  And sometimes the negative outweighs the positive, making it harder to feel or enjoy the positive.

I bring this up because I brought mom's bookshelves into my home because they're beautiful.  Once they got here, I realized that they don't fit my decor very well, but I was going to make do. 

But I got to thinking about negative energy, as I always have to "gear up" when I'm going to visit mom. Once I moved away and didn't live near her is when I realized how it was. Once she moved to AZ, it was even more obvious. 

Now I am wondering if all the things I brought from her house to mine is infused with her negative energy and what can I do about it?  Or should do about it? 

Sage smudge? 

Right now, I'm overwhelmed with all her stuff that has been brought here.  One thing at a time! 

The Happy Middle Road

Have you ever wondered what you really want?  People ask from time to time, its easy to give pat answers: to be happy, to be content, to be healthy.  But in order to have those things in our lives, what is it that needs to happen??

Happy isn't a thing. Happy is what comes after something happens.  Healthy happens when you eat right, exercise. In other words, does it all come down to doing things in order to have what it seems we want?

I usually know myself and my paths, and things happen because I work toward them. But I'm at a point in my life where I feel all turned around, or maybe more like I'm spinning in circles rather than traveling a path.  Where is a happy middle road?

I know it comes down to one thing: Mom. Or rather, my inability to instill boundaries where she is concerned. 

I'm learning. Trying to learn. I've been trying to find a way to manage my life that works. I set up Tasks in Task Manager.  But I don't seem to accomplish them in the timely manner I was hoping for.  Mom interruptions. 

So should I make more tasks? Schedule every little detail?  Laundry. Shower. Walk. Get mail. Vacuum. Cook. I have some of these already tasked, but some days aren't possible to do them. For example, it becomes a matter of choice: start the laundry? Or take care of mom's request/demand?  If I choose laundry, mom becomes a texting queen and until her request is met, it doesn't stop. 

I tried ignoring her texts but then she phones, crying. I was getting groceries when she did this on Sunday. I ignored her texts, she called, crying, asking why I didn't answer her. I told her I was getting groceries, and she sobbed again and hung up on me. 

She asked for meds yesterday, so I hopped in the car to drive over. It was already getting dark, infringing on my bedtime. But her first words are "why cant you answer my texts?" "I dont text and drive, I drove straight over. See you tomorrow." And I left. 

Where in all of this is a happy middle road??

Separation

Today's word - and it just may be the theme for the week - is separation.

I had to take mom meds yesterday, twice, because there seems to be a problem between the center and the pharmacy.  Without her anxiety meds, mom becomes a basket case. 

She gets upset, hyperventilating, crying jags, she can't function without them.  I sat with her for hours yesterday watching her go through the cycle, waiting for anxiety med to kick in. She doesn't recover from the cycle too quickly.

Today, I popped in at 845am, she still wasn't dressed, hadn't gone to breakfast, etc. She is still within the anxiety cycle, even tho she had her meds last night!  She's been asking to just "let her keep meds in her room". No. (The staff will confiscate them and I would have nothing left to bring her.)  And she asked me to stay. Sorry Mom, I can't, I have things to do.  

My plan is to have some separation from her. For my own health.  Its so easy to slip into the good daughter role and put her needs ahead of mine.  But she has a paid staff there to help her. I have no staff. Yesterday I dropped my groceries on the counter, a load of laundry in the washer, to go help her.  

Its time to do my things.     Separation.

Lousy Sunday

I knew in my gut that mom's party would upset her routine.  It did.  Sunday, and she's texting me just before 7am. By 9am her text reads "aren't you getting my texts?" And 10 minutes after that she's calling me and crying.  Where are you? More crying Why aren't you helping me?   Because I'm at Walmart.

She gets herself SO worked up that she gulps air, and belches like a sailor the rest of the day, and then wonders why she doesn't feel good. I've tried to teach her relaxation techniques, how to do deep breathing, but nope, she insists that she can't do that, can't control it.

I sat with her for two and a half hours, took her outside, pushed her to the postal center to collect her mail. She refused to go to lunch.  I finally left, but had to go back at 6pm because she was still worked up. 

If I don't get my own stress under control,  mom could outlive me and then what??? 

This sucks. 

Preparing Myself

A lot of my time lately is spent in what some might call "relaxing".  I call it "gearing up".  I seem to have .... I was going to give myself an ugly name, but just leave it at that I'm different.  I need to get myself mentally prepared for whatever BS comes down the line when I have things to do with my mother.

Why, as an adult, do I have the mentality of being the daughter, rather than an adult,  when I deal with her?

Here's how I know that something isn't going to go as planned. Today is her 88th birthday. And her grandsons are here in town as a surprise. That means a total of 10 adults, and the four men are all over 6'4". Thats a lot of bodies to cram into her little apartment where she has a total of 3 chairs. And yet she wants to have all of them in her apt.  My brother and I told her no way would we all fit. And she got this look on her face .... the one I recognize as her stubborn up-to-something face.  I asked her whats with the face?  She said "nothing". But I know its something. 

We are having everyone over in part of the dining room at her facility.  Dinner for everyone, a place we can all sit and visit comfortably. So why would she insist that they come to her apt??   Who knows. 

In the Bible we read in I Peter and Luke that we are to gird our loins, meaning prepare for battle.  I give it the same thought as "batten down the hatches". You're preparing for some kind of storm. 

That's how I view this event, some kind of storm. And I'm hoping I'm wrong.  I will wear my turquoise jewelry, my black tourmaline necklace, and maybe add some earrings just for a little bit of protection from negative energy.  

The family doesn't know this, but even if the event goes well, mom will pick it apart in private to me on the next visit. Because thats how she is.

New Day, New Goal

Last night after dinner, I walked. Not far, not fast, but walking just the same.  

I have to reduce my stress.  

It helped a little. I'm going to try a shower before bed, then some relaxing tunes with deep breathing.  

The sun is setting later each day!

Steamed About Mom

I heard a gal on the radio today, talking about trophies she had earned in high school when she was on the debate team. And while she was proud of the accomplishment, her point was these trophies are not eternal.  They mark a moment in time, and then we move on to other things.

And I realized in that moment, that my mother kept things "for eternity".  And now that she can't take them all with her, we are stuck with the stuff.  

Thankfully, neither my brother or I are keepers of every little thing!

After I started this post, I found out that because I didn't drive a light bulb over to mom yesterday when she "asked", she told my brother I didn't so it, and to bring one to her.   She didn't bother to tell me, so after helping her grandson, I busted my butt and skipped my meal so I could get her the damn lightbulbs.   I am steaming!!! Her passive-aggressive bullshit is bullshit!!!

Patience, and acceptance. Patience and acceptance. Patience and acceptance. 

Toxic Stressor

Blood work results are back. Everything ia high. And I need to find a way to reduce the stress in my life.  If I don't, could Mom outlive me???  Ack!

I had a day to myself, and worked on scrapbooks for Moms grandsons. Since they'll be in town, they can have them now and I won't have to mail them.

I've been running on the premise "when things slow down ...." but that hasn't happened.  I have been dealing with mom and her .... issues .... for a year now.  Things haven't slowed down, and at times she's even more demanding than ever. And that has impacted my health. She needs to understand that. And let me be me. 

An example of her passive-aggressive ways. Today's text was "I need a lightbulb in my lamp. Hard to get along without it."  First, she has identical lamps on either side of the bed, so she can just swap the bulbs. But she won't.  Hooray for me, I didn't fall into "the trap" of running a lightbulb over to her. However, she will complain about my not doing that when I see her tomorrow. 

How do you be your own person when old habits put you right back into that toxic relationship you once left? 

Stress and Mom

This morning I saw my doctor, he is monitoring my stress ... because yes, I have been stressed. BP is elevated (again), he's doing some bloodwork, and I am supposed to take a walk after meals, most days doable, I just need to make it a habit.

Then on to Mom's to see her nurse to discuss her med schedule. She increased her Oxy to 3x day.  And was able to reiterate that yes, she would probably have the pain in her leg for the rest of her days.  My personal opinion is that it wouldn't be as painful if she could learn to "let go and let God".  She always wants to be in control. Of everything. 

For example, the wound nurse texted yesterday that he would be there between 2 and 3.  At 2:15 she says "guess the nurse isn't coming."  She doesn't handle ambiguity very well. When I was there, the wound check nurse arrived at 3:15 ( he had texted to say he was running 15mins late) to check her as well.  She has what I guess is a bed sore on the bottom of her heel.   Ugly, black, and slow to heal.  

There's always something to stress about. Or maybe its that I feel obligated to lessen mom's self-induced stress by having to remind her how things go.  

Its the same with pills. She wants them at 6am. Exactly. And the staff gets them to her as time allows.  Sometimes its shortly after 6, sometimes its closer to 7.  And when they're "late" as she calls it, that begins the cycle of pain for the day because she gets herself worked up and whatever biology happens in her body, it stays that way all day and she doesn't get ahead of the pain or the anxiety. Hence the increase of Oxy. Ugly cycle for her, but some parts of it are self induced.  Family doesn't see it because she "showtimes" when they are around.  She forces herself to appear well, upbeat, but it takes a toll. But later, when it's just her and I, kablam! I get to hear it all, get the brunt of it all.  

In all fairness, I get it, and understand, but its not easy to tolerate, to always be the upbeat person.  Its been a rough week for me.  Im going to try to switch up my vitamins,  maybe that will help! 

Can't Pick Family

Cold or not cold?  Mom has been in Arizona for 3 years now. And she still has the habits from living in Cali of layering clothes.  It was 83 today,  and she was wearing a short sleeved tee, a long sleeved tee, and a sweatshirt.  We sat in the sun five minutes and she was hot -- then moved to the shade.

Its February and she's moaning about the hot summers already.  

Then we talked about things in general, and how things have been going.  My sister in law is kind of ... forceful. She has strong opinions and she shares them often.  I'm not that way, I let it drift over me. If a convo gets heated, I walk.  Drama is not my thing.  

And the one thing mom says is "you all have to get along."  Um, no, I'm just going to tolerate the moments we are forced to be together.  

You can't pick your family. 

Picnic at the Lake (1929/30)

My Great Grandfather (far left) with his children and grandchildren