Frozen

Frozen. There doesn't seem to be a better word for it, but for the last two days, I feel indecisive and lacking motivation.  I wanted to drive to Target to see if they have some Stash tea. And then I pretended some logic about not wasting gas to drive 3 miles to look for tea.  

I didn't run the dishwasher, so clean dishes for cooking .... I need to run it and then do my cooking for the week.  Tomorrow.

Which means I need a meal. I was going to head for Walmart and pick up a few things along with doing some shopping.  I don't need anything, except lunch.  

So what's with all the procrastinating? Why am I feeling frozen in place when it comes to making a decision? 

I should run to check on mom's house. Didn't do that either.  *sigh*   On another note, I am craving meatloaf and baked potatoes, and a cheese pizza. 

What causes this kind of funk????

Some thoughts in the aftermath, I added ground beef and pork and bread crumbs to the grocery order, I'll be making meatloaf tomorrow!! 

Fear & Anxiety

Fear and anxiety seem to go hand in hand. Is it because one feeds the other?  Anxiety can escalate into an acute fear response (like a panic attack) when anticipating something happening.

Mom has always liked being outdoors, even if its just sitting on the patio. When I visit her, I try to take her outside, avoid a little cabin fever.

But recently, she has started to have anxiety attacks if we go outside to sit, even for 10 minutes.  We get back inside, she starts removing layers.  (Why she wears 3 shirts every day is beyond me!) But what fear is she having by going outside? Fear of the heat?  Fear of being away from what's familiar?

At first, I just thought she was overheated. But taking off layers to cool off doesn't change the anxiety.  And once it starts, it moves through stages, sometimes lasting for hours.  There's nausea, and fidgeting, shallow breathing that leads to belly aches and burping because she swallows air. 

Once her mind is in this mode, you can't talk to her. I've tried often, speaking slow and soft. I use "smell the flowers, blow out the candles".  She always insists she can't.  

A constant source of frustration. Every single time. 

Yesterday, she asked if we could play a game. *blink* I can't imagine what kind of game that would be. We don't often like the same things.  We watch TV together; yesterday she wanted to try Blue Bloods, but nope, too gory, violent and noisy.  I hooked her up with Heartland on Netflix. We'll see if she sticks with it. 

Someone gave her a list of authors to read.  I wonder if she could learn to read on a kindle?? She would definitely need help with downloads. She still has trouble turning on her TV at times.  *sigh*

Elder care isn't easy. Add in fear, and a boatload of anxiety, and it's that much harder. And exhausting.

Morning Light

I have always been a morning person. When I still had Sadie, my favorite time to walk was early. Watching the way the sky begins to ease from inky blue to lighter blues with a moment of lavenders in the mix before the golden yellow light paints across the horizon.  Not actual sunlight just yet, just the day breaking.

Sometimes it makes me wish I wasn't living in the middle of the 'burbs, but out near mountains, or the flat lands of a farm. 

I've always craved the simple life, easy joys. And yet I know that rather than wishing for the unrealistic, I should be looking for, and finding the simple things already built into my life.  Or maybe its not the finding so much as focusing on them. Because they're there, if we look. 

Even in the midst of a housing development, I can still see that morning sky. The sun doesn't just paint that golden yellow light across mountains, farms or the beach. It's painted across the houses and trees that surround me. 

I just need to make the effort, and focus.

Feeling Blah

Staying motivated isn't easy! Days tend to blend and blur into the concept of "I can do that later".  Finding a focus can sometimes help, but they're short lived.  

A big part of that is because of summer heat here in the Valley of the Sun.  Outdoor chores need to be done early morning -- before 8am. 

For me, another part is I have days that are for me being alternated with days visiting mom. Which is circular back to the whole "I can do that later" thinking.  

I started a to do list, and one of those items is packing up things I don't need. Only that comes back to "for one year? Five years? Ten, even?"  

I'm stuck in this weird limbo. I need to be doing things, but some of them can wait, most of them can be done ""later"". 

Guess its just a little bit of the blahs today.

I did manage to get one box of old dishes packed up, so at least my day wasn't a total waste. 

Sappy Romance Novels

I've always enjoyed a good, sappy romance novel. As a young adult, it bolstered my wishes of a happily ever after - stuff we were taught as children through fairy tales. And yes, those wishes can come true, and often do.  Sort of.

What they don't tell you is the amount of work it takes to get there, that it doesn't happen by magic.

But darn if we keep on enjoying those romance novels that keeps that dream alive! 

I like reading books that are a series, stories that follow the same people through different scenarios.  But I'm not the only one because there is often a waiting list to borrow them from the library. 

While I wait, I often read Susan Mallery's Fool's Gold series which follows different romantic encounters of couples who live in the same town.  If we are what we read, how many of these stories in a row become too much? 

Does reading stories about others finding their happiness leave us feeling inadequate? Do we look at our own circumstances and become judgey about our own life?

Probably. It helps to be honest with ourselves about what we want and how to achieve that.  And to admit that what we have, what we get out of life is equal to the amount of effort we are willing put in. Wishing doesn't count! 

Sappy romance novels can entertain, get us through a rough patch, and make us smile. But without caution, they can leave us feeling rather inadequate if we feel our love life doesn't measure up. 

But that doesn't mean I will stop reading them!  

Family Historian

For many years now, I have been fascinated with and researching my family tree.  I have family who immigrated from Sweden and from Germany.  Either when they got on the boats, or came off, they changed their names.  Talk about difficult to trace now! 

My paternal great grandmother Anna's last name was recorded as Kringsberg, and were from Kringsberget, either a town, farm or parish in Sweden.  With careful digging -- which really means scrolling through endless possibilities of comparing birth dates and siblng names, I have located some information. 

On my maternal great grandparent's side, with the same attention to detail, I have located some of William's relatives as well.

And while all this information is good, I like the stories better.  I found some articles written about my great grandfather William's sister Emma .... 

"To the movie-minded, busting a steer may call for som­brero, spurs and chaps astride a nervous bronco, and a great show of swinging lariat. But when Mrs. Charles Beck­man of Tolna helped her husband subdue a fractious steer on their homestead in 1884, she just walked out in her calico dress with an old sunbonnet flapping in the breeze, threw a rope over his horns and told him to keep walking right down the field beside the old ox hitched to a stone boat."

I don't know about you, but I find little tidbits of this kind totally enthralling to discover about my ancestors. It makes them seem more real to me.   Sure, I can name birth and death dates, and who they married, but ... this little blurb tells me my great grandaunt was something!! 

a picture is worth a thousand words

but what a picture it would be if it was with the contentious steer!!!

Car Washing

Summer in the Valley of the Sun means early sunrises.  And once the sun comes up, it shines on cars which makes washing them difficult as they dry too fast, leaving water spots.

During the summer months, I get up early to wash my car. Not that I mind (much) as I'm already awake.  

Its been three weeks since I last washed my car, and it was due! So at 530am, I was out washing my car. 

But I hadn't noticed there were clouds on the horizon. And since it seems to rain whenever I wash my car ...... you're welcome!

No Pain, No Gain

Exercise is a dirty word!  But exercise is the one thing we can do to improve our health. But that doesn't make it easy! 

I started doing some easy, err relatively easy, tabata workouts. Simple, but repetitive, movements. Things my body hasn't done for a while.  And oh boy can I feel  it!  

They use the phrase "no pain, no gain" which tells me I'm gonna hurt when I do these things.  And I do!  I hobbled from bedroom to kitchen this morning. I nearly toppled over trying to get my pants on. 

Movement will probably lessen the stiffness, But a good heating pad works well, too!  Along with an hour's nap!!

I woke up and started moving slowly and worked up to doing two workouts. There may be a little pain again tomorrow .... but no pain no gain!

If you're exercising to improve your health -- good for you!  I'm going to try to stay committed this time, like every other time I've tried.  Maybe this attempt will be successful! No pain, no gain! 

Nervous Nelly

In what kids call "the old days", one of the names you might be called was "nervous nelly".  In today's language, the "Nervous Nelly" meme satirizes someone who is chronically anxious, over-analyzes every situation, and jumps to worst-case scenarios.

For me, that comes as mom.  I don't know what winds her up, but so many things do.

A visit to the doc?  Yep.  Someone coming to visit? Yep.  A new medication? Yep.  It's too hot to be outside? Yep.  You name it, it makes her nervous. And frankly, its all in her head. Which I have been repeatedly told by her, there's nothing wrong with my mind.  Uh huh. 

We all feel anxious at times. I have many self taught ways to combat those feelings.  Deep breathing. Walking. Reading. Sometimes even TV.  But mom has never been able to break her cycles.  

And we've tried it ALL.  Snapping a rubber band.  Deep breathing (she says she can't do it). Ice cubes under her armpits. Walking. TV seems to make her worse.  

And once the cycle starts, it goes through many stages. Whimpering moves to crying.  She tries sipping water, but swallowing more air than water which leads to burps and belly aches.  

I've watched it many, many times over in the past 18+ months.  Nothing I say works, she gets upsets, says I'm being critical.  

Now when she asks if I think a Tums would work, I tell her I don't know. Because I don't.  She can't seem to articulate what's wrong, isn’t able to identify what her mind has been trolling over. So the source of her anxiety is left .... untreated, for lack of a better word.

While I dislike seeming mom in distress, I have had to learn to just live with, go with the flow.  There's nothing I can fix if she can't admit there's a problem.  Even when she mentioned to her nurse she wasn't feeling well, nurse asks what's wrong and she says I don't know.  *shrug*

So, I just chalk it up to her nervous nelly ways, and try to let it go. Repeated tries to help just make her feel worse. 

Changes, Bleh

I don't like change. With sameness and routine, you can accomplish tasks quickly. For 10 years, my FitBit app didn't change  much. Sure, an update here or there but the basics stayed the course.

Now its owned by Google and this morning I woke up to check my stats and found my screen, in fact the entire app, has changed. And I had to reenter data.  

The first was how much sleep do you want?  Well, the ideal is 8 hours, right?  Then it asked what time I wake up.  5am, because after 20+ years of the same work schedule, I can't change my internal clock.  So it told me to go to bed at 9:00.  But it didn't account for people my age who wake up during the night.  To get 8 hours of sleep, I need more than 8 hours in the bed.  (Yeah, getting old isn't what you think!)

With my FitBit app, I could control and see what data I wanted on one screen. I only had to click for details.  Now I have to click  or scroll to get data.  Does Google get paid per click?????  

Grrrrrrrrr 

Then the food recordings ...... ack! It says my carbs goal is 296 per day.  And calories is 1800.  And protein is 136.  If I eat that much, I will gain weight. I need NO help with that! And I am not sure I can have an app that keeps telling me I need to eat more. *sigh*

Have I mentioned that I hate change??? 

For activity for the week, it says I'm at 136% of goal.  I haven't done much, certainly not enough, so how's this going to work?? No data for run distance.  Hello! I am 66 and overweight, there will never be any run data.  *smh*  

Is it time for a new health app / data watch? If my FitBit Charge6 goes kablooey, I will have to look into others, I suppose.  Will I still get "badges" for my yearly distance goals? I liked being told I walked a total of whatever miles ......  its the little things that bring us joy. 

Maybe reconfiguring inputs.  Have I mentioned that I hate change? 

Folks, err companies, build a brand and gain loyal followers. They work hard to create what consumers want, and the brand grows.

But in the end, it all comes down to money. 

Remarkably Bright

Sally Field has always been a favorite actress of mine.  I can't think of a single thing of hers that I haven't liked.  

From The Flying Nun, to her role in ER for a couple seasons, the Bride in Smokey and the Bandit, 80 for Brady, and Hello My Name is Doris ... too many to keep listing!

And now, Remarkably Bright Creatures (currently on Netflix).  A feel good movie with plenty of things to keep you watching. It's not a movie with a lot of action or high speed chases, but has a remarkably surprising ending! And an insightful octopus, too!! 

Nice way to end the afternoon for me :)

Exercise

For me, its a constant struggle between eating right and exercising, while at the same time enjoying the day to day of my life. 

So many of the exercise videos you see are more advanced than I can do.  I try to modify as I groove along with them, but I get dejected when I can't do something. 

And then across my Insta feed, I found a guy who was doing something that looks ok for me!  Its you1stlondon and I like his style. Most of the moves I can do, and I like the tabata style of short workouts.  In fact, I did one of them yesterday, twice!  And three different ones today! 

If you're like me and have low motivation, and want to do these things, but can't seem to find the mojo to get started, or to keep going, don't quit looking. There are a million videos, and you can find someone who resonates with you.

I know its Nike's phrase, but Just do it

Relative Visits

When someone you haven’t seen in a long time visits, how's that work for you?

My Aunt and Uncle stopped for a visit from Oregon. They were visiting family in So Cal and decided to drive over.  They stayed in mom's house -- saved a few pennies on hotel fees!  So that part is nice.

They arrived Sunday, and we spent the afternoon and through dinner talking.  It was ok ... until I started overthinking it. 

The last time I saw my Uncle was at my dad's funeral, 2015. Before that, I hadn't seen them since before I left Cali in 1998.  So making small talk is somewhat of an effort!  You can catch up on the overall basics but the details within your convo aren't always clear because background info can be somewhat lacking.

Then today they came to see Mom. We had lunch with her, and sat talking and catching up. We looked at a few scrapbooks; for me its always interesting to hear stories about one photo or another. 

But now I'm home again, and I'm exhausted. Its not easy being ON .  I feel like a there's an internal switch that we flip when we are doing things outside our normal comfort zone. I find that exhausting.

Family visits are great, and yes, it's important to maintain connections to keep the sense of continuity. But with families being more scattered, we need to make the effort to keep in contact. 

Mom grew up on a farm, Uncle grew up in a small town of less than 300 people. The lifestyle then is so different from today. Families used to gather every week around the family table for Sunday supper.  Not as easy when you're many miles apart.

Family visits have become more difficult with time and distance keeping us apart. When I was younger and more idealistic, I dreamt of buying acreage and each kid having a house on it. Close enough for visits without constantly being in each other's hair.  But that didn't happen.  

I wonder if there will come a time when it reverts back to families supporting families again in an old fashioned closeness? I think society needs more of that.  I can hope.

Screen Time

Its been my goal for a couple of weeks to see if I can reduce my screen time. I'm not sure what the right amount of screen time should be, but its probably too high. 

Our phones do so much for us.  I can remember the 90s when a laptop was $3k now for about $800 you can carry the whole laptop in your pocket.  We've come a long way! 

Only now, its the opposite problem. We were thrilled to be able to be in touch with people at the touch of a screen.  In the "old days" when we were kids, we had to arrange a pickup time and place if our parents dropped us off.  And we had to be there on time!  Now we can text "where are you" at any given moment. With an instant response back.

But have we traded our peace of mind for convenience?

A few months back, I became aware that I have become a slave to my phone.  Every beep, every bell ring, means someone trying to tell me something. I stop what I'm doing as if the phone or text message is the most important thing.

But why should we give everyone instant access to our time? 

My solution to reduce phone time is to turn off the notifications and volume.  Yes, sometimes I miss a call. Oh well. And on Mondays, I leave my phone in the bedroom all day, checking it only at lunch and dinner time. 

And that has reduced my screen time by a few hours a week!! 

Our phones shouldn't intrude or take over our lives. They should be a tool to be used for our convenience.  Its easy to stick our noses in our phones and ignore what's going on around us.  But we shouldn't put our phones over the people in our lives.

Yes there are tongue in cheek jokes about families at a restaurant and each person is buried in their phones rather than enjoying each other's company, or, *gasp* even talking to each other. 

Someday there will come a shift, of people so longing to feel connected to each other that they will prefer face to face conversations to bland text messages. 

I hope it doesn't take 50 or 60 years.

Guilt is a Losing Emotion

Caring for the elderly. A common theme lately for me, because I am caring for my mom.  Sadly, I am not able to do it the way she wanted it. 

She wanted me to live with her, and take care of her. But after attempting it off and on for a year, I knew it would never work. She wanted to stay in control, or maybe its that she didn't want me to have control. 

When I tried staying with her, she didn't like the meals I cooked. She wanted to "instruct me" on how her house needed to be cleaned. She didn't like the way I dispensed meds. And when her doctor referred her to other specialists, she didn't want to go along with that, either.  

I'm certain that those things, while seem a bit petty, wasn't good for our relationship. Even now with her room and nurses in her facility, she .... tries to buck the system. 

I know that some would say "you should be taking care of her".  And I (mostly) would agree, until it becomes a matter of disrespect for what I attempt to do.  Even though all her needs are taken care of by the home, she still waits on me to do things for her. 

Even the simple things like being wheeled to a crafts class, or spending time in the courtyard, she waits until I am there to take her rather than letting the nurses do things for her. She's paying them plenty! 

But her wanting me to be her everything causes a lot of guilt. We're taught to honor thy father and mother (yep, raised in the church).  The folks taught us to respect elders, do the right thing, all those lessons.

So having boundaries when it comes to providing care for her makes me feel guilty. The whole "If I don't, who will?" mindset. 

When she texts or calls at odd hours, I know its going to be some odd, random request. If I ignore her, I feel guilty.  But if she calls because she can't remember how to get her TV to work, I can't help wonder if she's faking it a bit to get attention. And that thought has me feeling guilty for thinking it. 

It seems like no matter which choices I make there's always some kind of guilt attached. Yes, it's holdovers from being raised by her. So at my age, I just acknowledge the guilty feeling, then let it go. I try not to let that guilt interrupt my own life. Because there will be more. There's always more. 

Computer Frustrations

Computers.  They've been around a long time now, and we should be used to them, and how they function.  When they first came out, I was a total nerd.  I wanted to learn how it worked, and how to work them.  And I learned.  I played. I did as much as I could, and then some!  In this way, the 90s were VERY exciting!  Looking back, I only wish I had taken more than one computer class.

But once I learned, I found friends online who helped me learn even more.  By the time Windows95 came out, I was able to do more than just on screen programs.  I was doing things behind the scenes.  By WinXP, I was able to make modifications to some of the things I was doing.  When WinXP discontinued, I fought it all the way before upgrading.  After that, I lost the desire for the behind the scenes changes I could make.  I was just happy when my computer functioned on its own, the way it should.

I still consider myself computer literate, but only as to operations, not the neat, nerdy stuff any longer.  But with that, when there are issues with my computer, its more like ACK!!!!

Stupidly -- or maybe just absent-mindedly -- I was in the middle of a print job and got frustrated, told my computer to shut down.  Which meant half the print job was left in the spooler, unprinted.  The next day, nothing new would print, and I couldn't get the original print job to delete.  I was frustrated with it last evening, and shut it all down, but got up this morning determined that this was fixable!

And after some simple Google help instructions, I was able to use the CMD mode and reset the spooler.  The print job finished printing, and new pages can now be printed as well.

If you're the nerdy type and knew how to fix this, you're probably getting a chuckle, because it wasn't that difficult.  If you want to keep up with computer skills, you have to use it on a daily basis!! Back in the day, we dealt with crazy things like the "blue screen of death", and before that, dial up and the whiz-beep of connecting through your telephone handset and a modem.  I've had a computer that died, but was able to take it apart, and retrieve data off the hard drive without losing too much. Not bad without a college degree, IMO. Experience being the greatest teacher.

I've let my skills deteriorate from lack of use while technology forged ahead without me. But I've been doing a lot of genealogy research and putting that information into a book type format, so I'm using my computer just about every day again.  

And it makes me glad to know, not all is lost! 

Exercise Guru

If you're my age, you may remember Richard Simmons and his VHS tapes "Sweatin' to the Oldies" from the 1980s.   If you don't, you missed out on a wonderful person!

He was inspiring!  He decided to start his first exercise studio. And in an interview, he said "We're all waiting for support from others.  Sometimes we don't get it. That's why God made me."

He had an infectious laugh, a great smile and an even better attitude.  It was catchy! And he welcomed everyone, no matter their size.

He motivated people because he wanted them all to be better.  He cared.  And how many of us want that, need that? 

In his signature sparkly tank top and short shorts, his high energy helped us all feel better about ourselves.

The Diane Sawyer special about his life (on Netflix) didn't emphasize the years he was building his brand, but on how such an upbeat person could become reclusive in his later years.

There was joy in the world wherever Richard went.  After his death, his brother said he's now "sweatin' with the holies". What a picture that brings to mind!!

And yes, I owned Sweatin' to the Oldies, volumes 1-5. After working all day, I would put the kids to bed, and load in one of my tapes and just start sweatin' and smiling along with Richard! Ahh, the 1980s!

Go To Hospital

Taking care of an elderly parent isn't easy. I've written that many times in the past, and it isn't getting easier. 

My mom's latest thing started a couple weeks ago. She had a nurse call me at 5am Saturday morning and tell me they think she needs to go to the hospital because she hasn't peed in two days.  First, I knew she peed Thursday around 3pm, I was there. So by Saturday 5am wasn't "two days".  I chose to let it ride, wait it out, see what happens. Nothing did.

Then on Sunday night, a week later, a text saying she  needs to go to the hospital because her toe is painful, possibly infected.  Again, I chose to ignore this because ... ugh. 

Part of me wonders if this her "new thing", a hospital threat to get my attention? To get me to come see her??  *sigh*  I don't call, text or run over every time she has a "need".  I can't.  It's too hard on my own life to deal with the constant stress of her every complaint.  When she lived alone, I would.  I did. Sometimes I was already in bed, but got up, drrssed, packed an overnight bag and went over.

That ended now that she pays to have staff around.  It doesn't stop her from calling or texting with every little worry. Rather than being honest with her nurses, she waits until I can handle what needs to be handled. 

I'm changing that dynamic.  She doesn't like it much.  

I've wondered from time to time if she tries to rationalize it in her mind:  I took care of Dad in the end, and I took care of Sis. Why can't you take care of me?  What she doesn't understand is that neither of them were complainers, nor were they picky. She is. And that's the difference.

I know there will be a day when its a real call about a hospital visit - a fall, trouble breathing, etc - and the facility will have her moved.  And to combat that, I have a "go bag", along with necessary paperwork. 

In the meantime, I struggle with creating boundaries and sticking to them while she creatively finds ways to break them down.

Th struggle is real. Loving a parent is not the same thing as being their caregiver. 

Home

Have you ever noticed the number of songs that sing about home?  Tunes run through my mind (too often!) and I thought about it enough to Google it.  "Home" is a frequently used subject, often linked to nostalgia, comfort, and emotional longing. It went on to add "especially in country music" which made me chuckle.

I was humming Homeward Bound by Simon and Garfunkel. Then remembered Michael Buble's "Home" song as well. Then there's the House that Built Me by Miranda Lambert. Or the iconic "Take Me Home County Roads" by John Denver. 

Music is meant to strike a chord inside us, to help us feel something. And that's probably the connection to home as well. Our need for connection, for roots, to a house, or a person, that makes us feel like we've come home. 

Growing up, my folks always referred to home as the farm in Minnesota. For me, the house I grew up in.  But it isn't about the house. The farmhouse mom grew up in was torn down. I moved out of the house I grew up in. 

While music artists continue to sing about home, it acts as a metaphor for safety, nostalgia, and identity. But when it comes down to it, home is more about the people you love. 

They always feel like home.

Good Music

Like good books, good music can make your day. I've been spending a lot of time digging thru my music archives as I look for tunes to add to my slide show DVDs.  Music adds a lot when you're watching pictures.

Its easy to dig up classic artists like Johnny Cash or Dolly Parton, but yesterday I was going for the older more obscure stuff.  Country music in the 60s and 70s was some pretty good stuff - either that, or I'm partial because its a childhood memory.  I grew up on the stuff.

I was remembering Bobby Goldsboro for some reason.  Then Kenny Rogers.  Even Buck Owens. All of these wonderful artists and more, mp3s on my computer. 

But the song Honey was the song lyric that triggered:  "See the tree how big its grown, but friend it hasn't been too long it wasn't big...." 

We moved into our house in 1966. Out front was a scraggly magnolia tree. And over the years it grew and grew.  When you see it every day, you don't notice it growing. Looking back at photos really brings it home that things change with time. 

And so do we. Outward changes are obvious, inward changes not as much. But each day we learn, we grow, we change. Just as the tree was meant to grow, we are too. 

Remember When ....

The new tag line for a Macy's ad on TV is "the fragrance destination".

And it reminded me when I was in my 20s, we would shop at the mall and always stop in at Macy's or Emporium.  They didn't spritz you with perfume, they gave you samples in a small vial with a rubber stopper on top. 

This is the only photo I could find online of those little vials.  

It also reminded me of the lipstick samples given out by Avon in the 1970s!  I think every teenage girl back then had a handful of these in her drawer! 

The only other essential was Great Lash mascara in its trademark hot pink and neon green tube.  

If you had these, you could be ready for any date in just a few moments!  

Ahhh... the good old days! Remember when?

Mother's Day

Mother's Day is never an easy day for me. My son died, so there's one. My stepson died on May 10, so there's another.  My  own mother's expectations when it comes to holidays are high, so that's another issue. 

This day was started by Anna Jarvis to honor her mother. It was signed as an official holiday in 1914.  While she intended the day to be a personal, heartfelt observance, she eventually campaigned against its commercialization, upset by the focus on buying flowers and cards.

For me, a "group" who promotes and expects me to follow certain moral norms to buy cards, candy and gifts because "I'm supposed to" are not my kind of people.  Showing your love, your caring should be heartfelt and your own choice, not mandated. 

Which is why I paint kindness rocks, leave abandoned art crafts anonymously and send cards or letters when I'm in the mood and not just on some mandated holiday. 

Maybe some folks need to be reminded to remember people other than themselves. I find that sad. 

 

As for me and my own Mother's day, I heard from my daughter, and my son-in-law.  Thank you, both of you, for thinking of me! I love you! 

The Big C - UPDATE

UPDATE:  All clear!!!  HOORAY!!

If there's a word that scares people, its the word cancer. I'm not immune. I lost my Dad to cancer, along with my sister and my favorite Aunt. 

And now I'm getting of an age where its also a possibility.  Or would that be probability? I'm not sure what the statistics are. And I probably don't want to know.

So I went to a dermatologist to have an annual skin cancer screening.  I haven't had one in a few years, so I was overdue. Most of the spots I wanted looked at were fine. But she saw a couple others and took a scrape, and now I wait.  Two weeks. Yikes! 

I haven’t been one of those people who sit in the sun for a tan. And I haven’t been out long enough to get some kind of sunburn since ... I can't remember when.

That doesn't mean I can't get skin cancer.

So here I am, waiting through the waiting period. And the things that run through your mind while you wait .....!!!!  *eyeroll*

To keep myself busy, I washed my car this morning.  At 630am. I"m going to need some more physical activity over the next few days to keep my mind busy.  Maybe I'll clean carpets. Sounds fun, huh?

Do Something

Our lives become the world we live in. Some live in a large world, traveling all over, engaging in things most of us don't.  For the most of us, our world consists of our family, our job, and a hobby or two. And if we're content, its easy to be happy as well.

Every now and then, I read something that seems to hit me upside the head, saying pay attention here! 

"I wondered if she found much in the mountains or the sky to enjoy, but perhaps those things were too far away for her to see. When you're hurting, you tend to fix your eyes closer to home."   A quote from Free Fall by Robert Crais.  

And yes, this one's for me.  Because I have been doing that lately, letting my world grow smaller as I care for Mom. My days consist of chores at my house, running errands and visiting Mom.  And its so easy to let that happen. 

There are days when I say "Eh, I'll just read for an hour because mom will probably text me ..... "   and while reading is a fav activity, the day slips by with not much accomplished.

My antidote for that is telling myself I'm too young to act like I'm 88 years old. But I end up falling into the trap. Mom has been watching network tv and discovered that some of her fav game shows started a new season.  She can watch them on HULU at her convenience but I think she pretends she can't work her remote to find the shows, which leaves me to watching them with her when I visit. UGH. I enjoy a good game show now and then, but 3 hours of it? I know she likes it.

But I need to move on to more. I tell myself to grab cameras and head out! Especially after visiting with her, a break outdoors would be awesome! But here's comes summer in the Valley ..... *sigh* Maybe I could walk the shopping malls. A thought. 

Because anything beats sitting around doing nothing!!  

Revisiting the Past

While I was doing my photography back, oh 10 years ago, I would make slide shows of my photos and put them on a DVD and send them to my folks.  Dad had his cancer diagnosis and wasn't out and about, so I thought I would bring the world to him. So to speak. 

Mom kept them, and I started reviewing them after I emptied her house.  It turns out that after about 10 years, the quality begins to degrade, most of them won't play any longer! 

Because a very long summer of heat is coming, I have been recreating those DVDs full of memories to watch with Mom. 

At the same time back then, I was in a group that gave us daily photo challenges of subject matter, in order to grow our talent. Being that I worked at Walmart at the same time, I had lots of opportunities to be ... creative.

There would be "Today's Word: Green".  For me, I'd hit the toy aisle and find something silly or strange, just to add a little humor to dad's day! Or "Today's Topic: Balls. The more, the merrier"  Another was "Repetitive". My photo? Was my empty street where every house had their garbage can out!

So for the last week, I've been reviewing old photos and creating new DVDs. I can even add music, today I used Herb Alpert and the Tijuana Brass in one and some Willie Nelson on another. 

Many of the photos were from family visits. Once Dad got his diagnosis, I flew home one weekend a month.  So we created family pix plus I took pix of whatever we were doing. Fix the fence? Yep, got it. Trim the tree? Playing Washers? Fixing the minibike? Or even visiting my old high school, the swim center we went to every summer, and just walking around the block. 

Sometimes things seem to stay the same. But if you look at the details, there is always something changing.  

Even ourselves. 

And even though I dislike, loathe, even hate change, we also should embrace it. So we become who we are supposed to be.

Balls: the more the merrier!

The Good and The Bad

We've all heard it.  Shit happens.  And if you're like me, its easy to say "why me?"

So the bad: last night my AC unit fan quit blowing. Which means the compressor runs and the house doesn't cool.  The good news is the repair man can make it out today!  

--- and even better news, fixed and good to go!

The other good news, a call from my doc's office told me they will still be under my Medicare Advantage plan, so no need to worry about changing doctors mid year. Thank goodness.  Changing doctor is easy to do. But details of your medical history can get lost in between the switch.  

Right now, I am happy about all this! On that note, I'm headed out! Have a great day! 

Lets Go Outside

Every visit, mom's first words are "can we go outside?"  Its Arizona, and afternoons can get pretty warm. She dresses herself like its the arctic, most of the time wearing one or two t-shirts layered under a long sleeved shirt. Too hot for outside! 

I guess just being in a different "room" is ok for her, she lives in a small apartment. 

But she just sits outside at a table and colors in her color book. She doesn't notice the clouds. Or trees. Sometimes she mentions the breeze. So I find it ... odd .... but whatever makes her happy.  At least outside she's not running down a list of complaining comments.

After our visit, her facility had a Mother's Day tea in the dining room for all the residents. They made a charcuterie glass - champagne flute with cheese, nuts, grapes, prosciutto, pretzel sticks -- I should have taken a picture!  We drank tea, even me! I chose a raspberry hibiscus blend and it was tasty!  Although I prefer cold drinks in our AZ heat.

Then we had a craft, painting a sun catcher. For some reason, that was important to mom, us doing a craft together.  In the bigger scheme of things, she wants us to do *everything* together. 

They gave her a corsage. There are two men who work there, very special guys, who are sweet and lightly tease all the women there. Its so cute! 

We had clouds and sprinkles; looking up through the patio cover made for an interesting look to the day.

Television

When I was 12, we got our first color television.  It was spring, school was almost out--- the end of 6th grade, it was a rough year!  But color TV, oh wow!!!  There was no remote, and we got the 3 major networks, and four or five local channels. 

We watched plenty of reruns over the summer because they were better in color! Fall arrived, the new season of shows started in September, we were ready! 

Then we got a letter in the mail, asking us to be a part of the Nielsen Ratings.  They sent us a booklet so we could record every show we watched, and who was watching.

I can remember poring over the TV Guide, marking each show we planned on watching so we wouldn't miss anything.  This was way before technology!  But what you watched determined the ratings of shows, especially newer shows.

While keeping a log of TV watching seems tedious, it was exciting to be included!!  I was never part of the Nielsens when I lived in Ohio, but I did do a survey once in Arizona a few years back. 

Now that I'm of a certain age, I wonder if they would they care about my TV habits? I watch a lot of reruns, old shows from the 90s, like ER. I don't watch news, and to watch sports, I'd have to pay for some streaming service. So just maybe my opinion wouldn't matter when it comes to ratings new TV shows. However, I do watch a few specific game shows!  The Floor. 1% Club. And Quiz with Balls.  

When it comes down to it, I'm a little bit on the odd side.  And perhaps a bit boring, as well.  But I'm OK with who I am!

.....  time for the next episode of ER!

With This Spring ...

The earring story reminded me of a trip to Santa Cruz with a boyfriend.  It was May, a week day so most people were at work.  With no crowds, it was nice to feel sonewhat alone. On a beach. The sun shining, you could feel the love in the air!   Ok, that sounds cheesy but we were a young couple, feeling the love.

We shopped through some of the stores that were open, always fun to look at things you don't often see other places.  We each selected a few things, paid for them, and strolled our way down onto the sand, closer to the water. 

We watched the waves, then he turned me to face him. He dug his hand into his pocket, took my left hand on his, and slid a ring on my finger.  My heart pounded, and I thought "what the heck is he doing?"  

He looked into my eyes with a smile and said "With this spring, I thee wed."  *blink*  what did he just say?  

He laughed, and lifted my finger to see he'd placed a spring that was made into a ring on my finger!  

We chuckled for many months over our own little joke about the spring ring!! 

A Good Day & Routines

Its ALWAYS  a good day when you head over for a smog check and there is no waiting!!

In and out in 10 minutes!

Took me longer to drive there!

Then I got to thinking about routines. I raised six kids, which wasn't always easy.  But as we got into a routine, things went better.  I'm not the type who gets so locked into a routine that I'm inflexible. But having a loose schedule helped everything get done.

And that's where I'm struggling now. I can't seem to find a routine that works for me. Every time I try this one, or that one, something disrupts. 

Then I make excuses like its easier to just skip the routine altogether!  That's never a good thing either, because I don't get things accomplished. 

But now that I've identified that a routine is missing, maybe I can work around that part and get on a new routine. 

Change is hard, but every stage of life includes change. Finding what works best for ourselves takes a little time, a little juggling, and the hardest part ---  implementing the changes! 

Maybe its time to doodle on paper, make some kind of schedule. I am using Tasks quite a bit, but something isn't quite working with that. 

Telling yourself you're going to do something at the same time every day was easier to accomplish when you worked, swiping a time clock! 

Humor

Maybe its humor, maybe its irony.  Mom and I were looking at old slides from the 70s. Back then, it was the trend to have art over your couch. It was usually about four feet long, and was some kind of scene. Mom's was lots of oranges and browns, trees and leaves that were turning with the fall, along a path.  

We noticed my aunt had a similar style landscape over her couch, only the scene was ocean waves rolling in over a rocky shore.

And I thought about the irony.  We lived in Calif, near the ocean, and lots of evergreen type trees. The leaves that did fall never turned color like those "back east".  

My Aunt lived in Minnesota, no where near an ocean!

So was this a case of buying art representing a place you'd rather be????? 

Totally made me laugh!! 

Then again, now that I think about it, maybe it had nothing to do with the reality of the scene and more about the colors of the room. My Aunt was stylish, her couch was blue, maybe she bought the painting because those ocean colors blended into the color scheme?

But what was mom's excuse?  Browns and oranges over her light green couch?

More to chuckle about!