Guilt is a Losing Emotion

Caring for the elderly. A common theme lately for me, because I am caring for my mom.  Sadly, I am not able to do it the way she wanted it. 

She wanted me to live with her, and take care of her. But after attempting it off and on for a year, I knew it would never work. She wanted to stay in control, or maybe its that she didn't want me to have control. 

When I tried staying with her, she didn't like the meals I cooked. She wanted to "instruct me" on how her house needed to be cleaned. She didn't like the way I dispensed meds. And when her doctor referred her to other specialists, she didn't want to go along with that, either.  

I'm certain that those things, while seem a bit petty, wasn't good for our relationship. Even now with her room and nurses in her facility, she .... tries to buck the system. 

I know that some would say "you should be taking care of her".  And I (mostly) would agree, until it becomes a matter of disrespect for what I attempt to do.  Even though all her needs are taken care of by the home, she still waits on me to do things for her. 

Even the simple things like being wheeled to a crafts class, or spending time in the courtyard, she waits until I am there to take her rather than letting the nurses do things for her. She's paying them plenty! 

But her wanting me to be her everything causes a lot of guilt. We're taught to honor thy father and mother (yep, raised in the church).  The folks taught us to respect elders, do the right thing, all those lessons.

So having boundaries when it comes to providing care for her makes me feel guilty. The whole "If I don't, who will?" mindset. 

When she texts or calls at odd hours, I know its going to be some odd, random request. If I ignore her, I feel guilty.  But if she calls because she can't remember how to get her TV to work, I can't help wonder if she's faking it a bit to get attention. And that thought has me feeling guilty for thinking it. 

It seems like no matter which choices I make there's always some kind of guilt attached. Yes, it's holdovers from being raised by her. So at my age, I just acknowledge the guilty feeling, then let it go. I try not to let that guilt interrupt my own life. Because there will be more. There's always more.