Pierced Ears

Way back "in the 1900s" as MrZ once put it, the desire for pierced ears was what every teen girl wanted.  You had to be 16 to get pierced ears without a parent signature. And they didn't do it in any old store. You had to visit the jewelry store!

I saved up my babysitting money and waited (and waited and waited) until my 16th birthday. I rode my bike about a mile to the strip mall with a jewelry store and counted out my money.  

Back then, there wasn't a variety of choices, you just got standard gold studs (I still have mine!)  It stung, but I was determined! Followed the routine of cleaning them, turning the earrings. If you've pierced your ears, you know the routine!  

I don't remember getting the second set of holes. But the third hole in my left ear was a match to the hole in the left ear of my boyfriend. We bought hoops and wore matching earrings.  lol.  As I got older, I added a third hole on my right. 

Since Covid, I haven't worn earrings, not sure why. So the holes aren't easy to slip earrings in, but I decided to work on it.  Got studs in the second and third holes, but one wasn't happy, had to remove the earring for a week.  

Mom noticed, and asked if I wanted her to help get an earring in.  Mom has trouble with her hands and jerkiness.  The thought of her holding a sharp pointy earring and trying to stab it into my ear made me cringe!  No thanks, I said, I'm going to let it be for now!  

Life was different 50 years ago.  There were rites of passage, like waiting for pierced ears, that don't seem to happen any more. But truth be told, maybe the age changed to waiting until you're 10, and I haven't noticed.

But I can still remember the anticipation that went with waiting, then the joy of finally reaching that age where I felt I crossed into a more grown up age!! One with pierced ears! 

Doctor Advice

We all see doctors, and we all get advice from them.  But sometimes the advice isn't correct for us, for our bodies.

Mom is a weird exception to this. For whatever reasons, she has always taken doctor advice as "gospel". Even to the point of whether or not to take an aspirin,  because she needs to hear the doctor say it's all right. And not because I said so.

She's been having an issue feeling nauseous in late afternoon and not wanting dinner. She saw a doctor two weeks ago who told her she needed more protein, so has been drinking a protein drink every day.  

It caused such a reaction that she had her RN order Zofran to help with the nausea. She's had this Rx before, and because it takes a while to get meds ordered and delivered, I brought over 2 doses to get her by.  But she wouldn't take them. She suffered through two days of feeling bad ... why? To make a point?  I'm not sure.

Today, I mentioned that maybe she shouldn't drink the protein today and see if that helped her. Her immediate reaction was "that's not it". (Because a doctor told me to drink this) Surprise, she didn't drink one today, and felt better! 

Doctor advice can be good, but we also need to follow our own logic and gut feeling.  Telling a doctor what we're feeling isn't an exact science.  With mom, it's usually very vague -- feeling lousy doesn't describe much!

It isn't going to change with her. And she rarely takes my advice. I recognize it as something I just have to deal with, fun or not. Mostly not. 

Tasks

Tasks, or chores, are one of those things that have become a necessity in our busy lives.  Let's face it, though, how easy is it to put off those things that we tell ourselves we should, or will do??

When I was a busy mom with kids, wiping down the fridge, inside and out, was done regularly because it was necessary.  Now that I live alone, there's not much going in and out on a daily basis. But it still gets messy from time to time. 

I've decided its easier to let Tasks monitor those things that should be done more often than not.  The fridge is one. Rotating my mattress is another.  I try to do both every six months,  but when life gets busy, its easy to forget the last time you did them.  Changing the air filter for my AC is another. And as I was writing this, added Bug Spray as well!  I spray the perimeter of my house twice a year, its not a cure all, but it helps.

I'm already set up for cleaning the bathrooms, vacuuming and changing bedsheets, and it works out well! Sometimes its like having a boss, or a mom, who nags you that something needs to be done. Haha

So Tasks is it. Sort of like the list I would keep in a notebook.  I could look back and see when I did it, or keep a note of the next time its due. But then I'd have to locate the notebook, read it at least once a week.

Tasks blurts it on my phone. I have them all scheduled for 8am so it appears like a To Do list each morning.  I even started using it to log when I sprayed for weeds and for bug spray.  

The technology is there. So why not use it to my own advantage?  I tell myself I don't want to be a slave to my phone, but its very convenient! 

Chuckle for Today

This is SO me .....

Bitch Session (+Cookies)

There's a saying: when it rains, it pours. Lately, thats how life has felt ... the little things are piling up and that makes them all seem bigger. 

I washed my car early Saturday morning. And yes it sprinkled enough that night to leave a mess. With rain predicted later this week, washing the car will be put off until after!

I have new tires on my car, and the RF has a slow leak. Back to Walmart to have it checked. Seems I ran into a nail, and a staple with some wire wrapped around. I'm guessing I picked it up in Tucson when I was routed through a very sketchy neighborhood because of a wreck. 

Blue Cross apparently did some kind of contract renewal mid year, and now my doc isn't in network. And neither is my mom's. So much for continuity of care!! For shame. Its all about the money.  Except now its on to search for a new doc. Or maybe I'll just get refills on my Rx, wait six months to get another doc appt, because I can switch to some other Medicare Advantage plan with a different company. 

I am tired of being a bag lady for mom. Get me this, order that, and carry it all to my room. Walmart implemented a minimum of $35 per order so if she doesn’t need that much, now I have to do her shopping in store.

Then there's the added chore of handling all her paperwork. Appointments. The amount of mail to run two households plus her assisted living is a LOT.  Add in taxes, money management, and keeping everyone update. Its too much.  

I'll confess. I thought about putting all this on her facebook page. Keep everyone updated at once, but .... she's the type who doesn't want anyone to know the real truths. Including her doctors!

Because I had 90 minutes to roam around inside Walmart, (waiting for said tire repair) I ended up buying a new flavor of their bakery cookies: decadent Cookies and Cream Brownie. Ohh man!  Delish!  

Which forces me to recognize (yet again) that when things are rough going, I reach for the sugar. Or maybe I just reach for comfort foods.  I'm guessing that's a huge part of my growing up - reaching for food because I was lacking something else I needed. *sigh*

Even knowing it, and retraining my thinking for this past 2 years - denying every cookie, every lick of ice cream, pizza, burgers and fries -  denial is a bitch! 

I also know that in the bigger picture, these are all just minor annoyances. It's just that they keeping stacking up until it is all so overwhelming.  And there's no relief valve to let it go.  Maybe I should take up crying? I might become good enough to make the Olympic Crying Team??  hehehe

Organizing Struggles

One of the hardest things we have to do has to do with organizing.  We all have those places where we stick papers and such that we need to keep.  Bills, Property Tax statements, old tax returns.  Much of it needs to be stored until we need it.  But how to do that?  

For a while, I had a series of binders that I organized -- one for taxes, one for bills, one for money management -- and then the fun ones, like a journal.  But at some point, we all need to get rid of some of it -- out with the old, so there's room for the new.

That's how I spent my afternoon, going through all the paperwork that has stacked up, filed the more recent 1040s in my binder and got rid of some of the old ones.  I don't want to have to burden my daughter at some point in the future with deciding what's needed, and what's not.  

But isn't odd -- all of the papers were stored in my cabinet, and now that things are organized, I have them back in the cabinet, and much in the waste basket, but there are always "leftovers".  Like the papers I got when I quit work and may need the info when the time comes.   Another binder??

And then, another question:  Can you be TOO organized??  In addition to the binders and stuff stored in the cabinet, I also have three?  Yikes!! I have 4 accordion files under my desk that I haven't gone through. *sigh*  Yes, too organized.  I have lived in my house for 15 years.  Do I really need to keep the HOA printed rules??  *shrug*  Maybe.  I suppose car repair receipts on a car I no longer own can go.  hahaha

And on top of all the papers I need to keep, I have an obsession with journals or notebooks.  I have several... or more than several!  I like the composition books for jotting things when I'm researching genealogy but most of the notes go no where, so eventually they can be tossed out. I also like nice blank notebooks -- I don't log in notebooks any longer, but I like the fact that I *can*.  

I can't be the only one who struggles with this!!!  Mom had a 4 drawer file cabinet for paperwork. She didn't struggle, she just stuffed more in and went on.  lol  

Now that I feel more organized, I can let it go for a while. Until it's time to organize again!

Fun Filled Saturday

I started a new (to me) series on Netflix, "Manifest".  And I'm enjoying it!  It's a little out there ... but I'm ok with "out there."

The weird part for me is mom usually likes people to bring her "outside news", something to talk about. But when I tried to tell her about it, she told me "I've already seen that movie" and changed the subject.

But now its Saturday and the home called. At 5am. Mom said she hadn't peed in two days and wants to go to the hospital. *blink* I was just there so it hasn't been two days.

When she has pain in her leg, her mind doesn't work so well. And I've had many of these types of "episodes". She just wants me to rush over and sit with her. I've opted to take a "wait and see" approach.

Instead, I started my laundry, washed my car, and now its 7am.  I'm having my breakfast.  Then another load of laundry and hit the treadmill.  

Another fun filled Saturday for me! What's your's looking like?? 

Accountability

Knowing I'm posting results when I make goals holds me accountable.  Always a good thing! Accountability keeps us honest.

Day 1 - couldn't complete the 30 minutes I had planned to do. 9-2-17 , distance 0.5

Day 2 - goal was to do longer than day before. Accomplished. 9-2-20 , distance 0.6 a little longer, a little farther. Yay! 

Day 3 - hip/leg is achy but determined to keep going.  9-2-15, distance 0.5.  The dilemma being do I push through and keep going? With more pain tomorrow? Or hold back and add additional stretching work through?

That's the difference in getting older.  10 years ago, I would have just pushed through. But my body doesn't recover as well any more. 

Day 4 - my day got railroaded, and there wasnt the time or inclination to hop on the treadmill. Instead, I had to vacuum then wash my indoor floors along with the outdoor patios and do a complete bug spray. As summer gets closer, critters like to be indoors with the AC. But I DO NOT like them indoors!! The plan for Day 5 to be back on track. 

Some is better than none!  I'm going to repeat that phrase every day as I keep on this journey!!!

Positive thoughts, positive outcomes! 

Dinner 'Round the Table

Growing up, we always had dinner at the table, as a family, at 5pm. I always felt it important to gather as a family each day. We started each meal with grace --- but uninspired grace; it was a recitation of "God is great, God is good .... " which works if you're 3. But we said it until the day I moved out.  She still says it at 88 yrs old.

But dinner rarely lasted more than 15-20 minutes. Then my sis and I were jumping up to clear, wash and dry, in order to get back outside -- until the streetlight came on. 

When I became the wife and mother, I held on to having dinner at the table. But meals were different than when I was growing up.  As my kids were growing, I knew that I couldn't ask "how was school" because all I got was "fine". That's kids for you, very normal. But that is NOT a conversation. So we learned to ask better questions: what did you learn in history today?  And if that didn't generate enough convo, I always had a box filled with miscellaneous questions to generate convos.

I recently started recalling dinners with my mom. While the table was properly set, the food was in serving dishes, and we passed things around, I also recalled occasions when my siblings and I would get the giggles and mom would put a stop to it. And if we didn't or couldn't stop, were sent to our rooms.

I got to thinking about this because mom wanted me to stay, eat Easter dinner with her. But it was like growing up: we didnt talk or anything else meaningful.  

I don't know how she "got this way " and maybe thats how it was when she was growing up. But learning how to have conversations starts in the home, at the dinner table, in my opinion.  And if a kid brings up a topic or says something disagreeable, as parents we have an obligation to explain if we object.  And then discuss the reasons as well, allowing kids to explain their own side. They learn to be better humans that way.

I was raised with the old fashioned attitude that kids should be seen and not heard. Which left me flailing in the verbal communication dept as an adult. Even to this day.  (Which is why I write!!)

Sometimes I wonder why I write these things out, and other times I realize that its a way for me to make sense of things, of coming to grips with the reality that while I may have been raised in a Leave it to Beaver type happy family mode, it was just surface stuff.

Weather Woes

For some reason, my weather widget has switched to Celsius.  Yes, I checked the app settings. Yes I checked my phone region settings.  And yes, I tried a restart.

What I found strange ... and a bit interesting, is the way it switches from C to F as it predicts the temp into the evening!  It almost looks like its going to get hotter close to midnight!  

It Isn't Easy

When you decide to start a diet, or healthy eating plan, it isn't easy.  We all need food to fuel our bodies. Making good choices in the moment is much easier when you make good choices while shopping.

Once a "bad food" is in house, ugh.  My downfall is Tonight Dough ice cream. 

So I need to find a way ......

to be able to ignore it.

Sitting there. 

In my freezer. 

My fav ice cream spoon is in the drawer.

Is it calling my name??  

NO! (turns the TV louder)

Hop on the vibration plate. 

Turn on some dance tunes. 

Then start on cleaning the house. Again.

Maybe I'll celebrate a clean house with a taste of ice cream.  *sigh*

Next week's grocery list will NOT include Ben & Jerrys!!!

Packed and Stacked

I spent time packing stuff over the weekend. I have lots of stuff... a lifetime accumulated and I'm trying to posit where the breakdown should be.  Its easy to pack up what you aren't using.  My issue is the time line.  

Logic says I can't move until Mom is gone. Moving her again would be detrimental to her mindset.  So there lies the dilemma.  How long?

Do I pack it all up? When I was going to move from Ohio to AZ, I lived packed up in boxes for about a year.  And it was OK, most of the stuff we surround ourselves with isn't used in our daily living. 

Living with everything packed up for a year or 18 months would be OK. But what if its five years? Ten years? Her dad lived to be 104.  And she's 88.  16 more years???????

And where do I stack all the boxes while I'm waiting??  Closets? Garage? Dining room??  Decisions, decisions! 

For now, garage it is.

(and yes, I'm using diet coke cases because they're free! and wrapping items in walmart bags because again, they're free!  I'm the thrifty sort!!)

Start on Monday

Doesn't every diet, every exercise plan start on a Monday?  Well, its Monday.

I see a lot of exercise stuff across my feed every day, probably because of the PT I did back in August.  And if you're like me, you see them and wonder "how do I know what will work best? Where do I start?" 

Taking my limitations and, lets face it, a body in poor shape, along with the weather heating up here in the Valley, I thought I would take on one of the things I see often.

It says the best way to burn fat is the 12-3-30 method on the treadmill.  Incline 12, speed 3mph, 30 minutes.   I'll have to work up to that, so I'm going to modify it to 9-2-30. I'm not sure how long it will take to be ready for the "real" challenge. But that's ok, some is better than nothing. 

Is there anything you do to motivate yourself once you make a plan?? Or does it begin one day, taper off for two days, then quit?  I'm thinking some 3x5 cards written with encouraging words.  Or maybe using my Task Manager to schedule in my treadmill time??  

I'm going to commit to this for 3 weeks, every day, and see what improvements happen.  Weight change? Measurements? Sleep numbers on my Fitbit?  

Being Monday, I got up with best intentions. Isn't it easy to find distractions to avoid doing things??  But, I climbed on my treadmill and got it started.  I reached 15 mins and thought about quitting. I had to stop at 17. 

But its a start. Go me!

The Silent Treatment

Some days I scour the internet, looking for clues, ideas, probabilities, situations like the one I'm in.  None are exact because our past relationships seem to carry forward into the now. 

There is a lot of talk about caring for elderly parents. There is a lot of talk about parents who had their own issues growing up (that probably hadn't been dealt with). You name it, and they're talking about it. 

But I keep getting sucked into the same rut in dealing with mom and can't seem to find my way out.  When I visit her, the next day I have major stomach issues. It keeps me home an entire day. 

I have tried eliminating foods, to be sure it isn't something I've eaten. I am cautious when it comes to clean hands, using sanitizer when I can so I'm not picking up some kind of germs. 

And I've concluded its my body's reaction due to stress.  I read: When stressful situations are unavoidable, focus on managing your reaction through the "4 A's": Accept the situation, Adapt your expectations, Alter what you can, and Avoid unnecessary stressors.

But I've found that for me to do those 4 As, it changes the overall mom feelings.  She's my mother, I love her, but I do not like her.  And its a lifetime of little shit.  

Here's an example from the other day. She has 2 tvs in her apt, same brand, so sometimes the remote turns on both tvs. She wheeled herself to the bathroom then hollered to me "the tv is on in the bedroom."  Being raised by her, I know that what she really means is "you turned the tv on, go turn it off".  I didn't.  When she wheeled herself out, she had to turn it off herself. After that, I got the silent treatment for the next hour as she sat working a puzzle. 

What I should have done was said "if you're going to work a puzzle, I'm going to head on home." 

Maybe I will next time. 

Bad for Health

Lots of interesting things come across my feed.  Today, it was about trauma and how the body holds on to trauma. There was a study of folks who had been through trauma and how some recovered better than others.  It told of a possible link between healing the mind affects healing the body.  

One of the things was acknowledging the trauma in your mind, talking it through, working it out. Whether through writing, or talking, getting the emotions and feelings out into the open rather than "moving on past" the event was what helped people recover in a more positive way.

Holding on to anger, resentment, bad feelings, causes chemical reactions in the body, which in turn could be part of physical ailments.

Interesting to read, and made me feel "ahead of the curve" because I have always been one to journal.  I am not too shy about writing out the bad stuff, and probably share just a little more than I should.  But I grew up in a household, in an era, where bad things weren't talked about, or acknowledged.

And that isn't healthy for anyone.

Bra Saga ... Ended??

So here we are, past all the saga with the bra, and for the past visits, nope, she isn’t even wearing it!!!   *sigh*

She's not herself today.  I brought her a table to work puzzles.  She wanted to go outside (that's our norm), but she opted to coming back inside.  First she got out her colored pencils and put them back. Then she got out a book and tried reading, but put that down too.  Now I am watching her assemble a puzzle.  No talking. 

Why am I here??

I have learned over time when she asks if I have talked to anyone, I just say no. Because she either a) wants to start a gossip fest about whoever I spoke with or b) gets weepy because I talked to whoever and they didn't bother to call her.  But they don't call her because she just cries and/or hangs up on them.  They don't call because they don't want to upset her.

I know there have been a lot of changes in her life, and she's not happy about them. Maybe part of her difficulty is having no one to blame, and no one to fix things.  But all of that is just who she is. 

Patience and acceptance.

The Difficult One

Some children have things very bad, like physical abuse, in their lives. Or maybe there's some kind of neglect.  But in my 20s and 30s, I tended to idealize my childhood. But later in life, I questioned all of it.  And still do.

I tended to internalize everything: feelings, thoughts, interactions. I often hid in my room to read.  Did I eat to hide emotions? I think I did that, too. It was easier to keep to myself than to risk some kind of negative reinforcement from parents (mostly mom).

I lived in the shadow of my sister, who was always friendly, smiling, and outgoing. When my brother came along and needed glasses at a very young age, he got a lot of attention as well.  

Over the years, I convinced myself that I didn't need anyone, I could do it all alone. In spite of three marriages, I found it hard to be as open as I should have been.  And that is probably true even now. 

When I saw this come across my feed, I chuckled!  And tried to figure out which of the two my brother and I were - because we weren't the golden child! 

I was probably "the difficult one". *chuckle*

Too Busy for Art

Lately, its been too busy to sit down and do some art. All I seem to eke out is when I take mom outdoors, which doesn't last long, she thinks its hot.  I can't drag along all my paints, so we make do with markers and colored pencils.

I attempted something new, using black cardstock, and drew this little guy.  The City of Chandler always has an Ostrich festival in March .... so he is in honor of that!

Acceptance vs Resigned

Part of this year's mantra is acceptance.  And that got me thinking about being resigned.  And I checked with Google, because I can, and found:  

Acceptance is an active, empowering acknowledgment of reality that fosters peace and agency, whereas resignation is a passive, hopeless surrender fueled by bitterness and defeat. Acceptance allows you to change what you can, while resignation results in giving up on improving circumstances. 

Lots of fancy words and ideals within, but the bottom line is this: most times/days I have acceptance with the way things are in my life regarding Mom.  But the really hard days, it feels like I'm resigned.  

It takes effort to choose acceptance, to be able to move past what belongs to her and live my own life. In a way, I did that by visiting my daughter and family. By taking myself physically from the city, from being unable to be the one to rush to help if needed, I lessened the restraints I've put on myself. 

Now I just need to find a way to do that when I'm at home.  Yesterday, I cleaned house.  Today, I am going to take a walk before I take her to the dentist.  (Yes, I know, always something!!)

Today, I choose acceptance over being resigned. 

Opinions - Everyone Has One

Last week, one of mom's nurses asked me what I thought caused her CIDP - the myelin sheath around her nerves being gone.  And I told her that mom has been on Gabapentin for 10+ years.  

Because Mom was in the room, I didn't mention the other part of my theory.  And that is she has such severe anxiety that its possible that has something to do with it as well.  I have learned over the last year or so not to mention it because mom gets upset that people know about her anxiety, and how severe it is. 

Yesterday, Mom says "I have to correct you, it isn't the Tramadol....."  She explained that she meant what I told the nurse. I reminded her that it was Gabapentin I spoke about. I also told her there were not long term studies about the effects of Gabapentin. And that Gabapentin disrupts the nerve pain signal between the nerve and the brain. It doesn't "fix" nerves.  She just nodded.

But then I realized that she had been stewing on this for nearly two weeks.  I know she is very anxious about going to the dentist Tues and the Doc on Wednesday.  And this just adds to the anxiety. Shes always been ... easily upset about medical issues ans taking meds. 

Up until she moved to Asst Living, she would look up every medical side effect for her meds, making her even more anxious.  On a side note,  I tossed that medical book!!  It was over 20 years old.  Hehehe

But back to opinions, if it isn't causal, her anxiety is major source to some of her problems!  That's just my opinion, but I have seen it in action.

Go With the Flow

Patience and acceptance is my mantra for this year.  And some days I struggle with it. 

I was listening to one of the books in the JP Beaumont series by JA Jance and its one of the character's sayings as well. Maybe thats why he's one of my favorite characters!

They say "practice makes perfect", but I don't always want to keep practicing this.  Most times, we don't get to choose.  Sometimes its a mindset rather than something we can actually change. Like traffic. You can choose tk be upset, or you can accept and ... for lack of a better obsession, go with the flow.

I've accepted that I can't change mom. Well, ok, most times I accept it. But its not always easy. 

So my lesson on having to sit in so much traffic up I-10 yesterday is to just go with the flow.  This is my reminder to do that today.

And ... Home again!

Visiting family is wonderful. 

Meeting my new great grandson is precious!

I don't enjoy the drive as much any more. But time alone in tbe car to belt out songs and be myself ia pretty good.  At this stage in life, I don't mind tucking in behind a big rig and then just cruising along.  

I'm too slow for the fast lane any longer!

Gabriel 3 months old 

I Escaped!

Without a word to mom, I hopped in my car and headed to Tucson to see my daughter ans son-in-law!  But as I get older, the drive seems longer. Or maybe it was the traffic doing that.

Usually, we all just zoom along ... but today, lots of construction and slowdown spots. Once it opened up past the construction, we started zooming only to be stuck in a slowdown again.  That happened over and over all the way.  Finally. Cortaro Road, a place to stop at Walmart, grab a drink and something for supper, and get back on the freeway.

There must be something big happening in town because we inched along on the freeway at a pokey 25mph - more construction for another 22 miles  Then again, Arizona is known for constant construction zones.

Then off the freeway, and just a half mile from the last turn, the road was closed for a wreck -- a really bad one. We were diverted off to a side street. Being from out of town, I decided to follow the crowd. We ended up on some back streets that I would normally NEVER drive down!!  

But finally, a familiar road, and I reached my destination!  What's normally just a little over 2 hours turned into 3 hours this time!

Still, was happy to escape!!

Most Romantic Memory

Think back.  What was your most romantic moment?  Was there a guy who did something for you? Set up a special date? Some might say a wedding, or a proposal. What do you consider your most romantic moment? 

I've had little moments. Special moments with special men. I was a goofy teenager, so there were those kinds of moments. But one special moment that comes to mind every time.

There was a man at work. We worked in different facilities, but there were meetings we attended together, and work dinners afterward.  After a few dinners and small talk getting to know each other, he asked if he could take me out after the next meeting.  I thought he meant dinner without the rest of our coworkers.  But I was wrong.

He drove me into the Santa Cruz Mountains to a campsite.  There was a tablecloth on the table, a vase with flowers, and firewood stacked, ready to light.  He lit candles, and the fire, and we sat there by the light of the fire, stars glowing in the sky, and spent hours talking.  

It was a chilly evening, but I was warm with the joy if someone doing something so different from other dates I had been on. 

Memories like this bring me smiles when impasse to remember. I hope you have special memories, as well!!

Your Table, Ma'am

Yesterday I visited mom. And she was in some kind of weird mood.  Shaking off my own feelings about it, I wheeled her outside where we sat in the shade and colored. 

When we came back in, she asked (again) about putting a table in her room.   She couldn't quite grasp how things would look,  so I started moving furniture. Slide the bed over.  Slide the nightstand over. Dig out the card table from the closet. Set it up and move it on the other side of the bed.  Then see if she can maneuver her wheelchair to that side of the bed so she can use the table.  

I waited while she looked at it.  She didn't like how it looked. Shes always been big on decorum, a nightstand on either side of the bed like in magazines.  I said "don't think how it looks, see if it will function for you."

Nope.  Put it all back.  So I did. Then she cries as she gets back into her recliner. (Crying happens often lately )

After we watched some TV, I left about 3pm.  At 6pm, I get a text from her asking if we can put the table back.  *eyeroll*

Yep. That's how my life goes. 

Is It Fair?

Watched my nephew's kids while he and his new fiancee went to dinner.  This is the third time in 6 weeks I have watched the kids while he goes out for a fun outing.

Is it fair?

It's common for a caregiver to feel a bit of burnout. It's a lot to take on, and my mom is .... extra needy.  

So when the young'uns get a night out, I am babysitting.  No one volunteers to take my place visiting mom. Or even just stop in for a short visit. 

So why do I keep saying yes??

I learned today that MrZ is now seeing a therapist.  I'm not sure of the reasons and I don't need to know.  He will struggle because his mom and his dad aren't together, and they have a hard time agreeing on things.  And now they're gonna add in a stepmother situation.   Talk about complicated. I know my kids struggled with some of that, but I was the consistent one, they lived with me and the only sharing was in the summer.  I hope that worked better for them. Maybe I was just as guilty in the raising kids dept.

I know there's a slogan "Just say no." Ok, it was from the 90s, but it still can apply.  Its something I need to apply more often. 

Love to Read

I'm a big fan of reading, and read every day. According to Kindle, 709 days in a row! 

But in reading a series of JA Jance books, my library didnt have the book format for one of my JPBeaumont books. This is book 22 in the series, and sometimes I just skip over. 

Instead, they had the audio book, so I'm trying that.  At first, it was very difficult to listen to someone else read aloud. The second thing I noticed was my impatience. I wasn't content to just sit and listen. I was up, doing chores, and found I had completed all of them - while listening- before 8am!!  lol

And maybe that isn't a bad thing???

New technology stuff is fun to try. It took me a very long time to convert to reading electronically.  Not sure this audio book thing will take, but its not bad from time to time. So far.

No Fear Explorer

When we age, why do we tend to become more fearful, less outgoing?

When I lived in Ohio, I ventured and explored places on my own.  Not to say i was the kind who threw caution t the wind, but I meandered many of the hiking trails on my own, sometimes for hours at a time. 

I did much of the same the first few years I lived in AZ, visiting cities and parks all over, learning about this wonderful, diverse desert space.

Lately, I'm happy that I make it out of bed, or maybe my daily walk in the neighborhood. 

How does this happen? On purpose? Or is it a gradual slide into this life that grows smaller?  And can we change it?

I try. I go places when I can, but lately I haven't been doing enough of it.  I need to try harder. 

Saturdays

Growing up, Saturdays was "house cleaning day". And yes, us kids were involved. Very involved. As the oldest, it was my job to mow the grass, front and back, with a push mower. Then hose down the driveway along with washing the car.  Mom liked things to be clean. Very clean. 

Then it was on to cleaning our bedrooms.  Sometimes it would be just a general clean, other times it was the deep, organized clean, depending on what was scheduled for Sunday. Besides church. 

Now that the sun rises earlier, I'm not inclined to lounge in bed. So here it is, 815am and I'm dressed and ready to start my day.  There's a baseball game at 1215. I need to stop by mom's house and do my weekly check.  I could do my own chores, but .... kinda boring.  Haha

Childhood routines seem to be somehow embedded in our grown up lives. Or maybe its just the mom I had. Everything was so prim and proper, that you felt like not doing anything or using anything for fear of making a mess, to make next week's chores less intense. 

I was having a convo with my brother, who is 8 years younger, so we had different perspectives. Did Dad notice we were stifling in a "keep clean" schedule, and that prompted him to a) go out and buy a pickup truck without mom knowing and b) a pop up tent trailer?  After that it was camping every weekend.  Our Saturdays were no longer filled with obsessive cleaning, but water slides at Oakwood Lake in Manteca. He didn't remember it that way, but he was the youngest so maybe the cleaning stints weren't always pressed upon him as much.

We still had to do our chores, and that was fine. I'm a believer in kids learning that chores are a part of life, to pitch in. But we were no longer just doing school, chores and church. There were elements of fun as well.  

Dad? If you're listening, thanks for the camping! 

Slow Motion

Life in slow motion, somehow it don't feel real.  Lyrics from "Slow Motion" by David Gray 

As the song moves through its minor chords, it draws me in. 

And sometimes life seems to move in slow motion. When you're stuck waiting. When things seem stuck in limbo. If you've ever been in hospital, time seems to slow to a crawl. 

Yet every minute of every day is measured the same way. But we all feel the movement of time differently. It becomes more obvious as you get older.  There are moments when I wish time would slow.  When I was waiting to get out of high school, I wished time would hurry up.  

But each tick of the clock is just that ... time moving forward. 

I don't want to go back to living life in hyper speed, chasing down kids, getting to work on time, or tracking all those other details.  I also don't want to be sitting in a rocking chair watching life go by. So where's the happy medium?? 

I've always been one who likes routine, a schedule, and now that my time isn't driven by a time clock or school schedules, there's a freedom in being able to choose.  Yes, I still need to do laundry and all those other pesky chores, but I can choose tomorrow instead of today!

Today's walk doesn't need to be a speed walk crammed into 20 or 30 minutes, it can meander all over. Or even be tomorrow.  My choice!! 

No matter what speed you're moving through life in, make sure that you're enjoying the journey!  

Decision Fatigue

Making decisions is something we all have to do every day. Whether you're still in school, just starting life as an adult, married, raising kids -- all of that comes with decisions. 

Most of us don't pay attention to how many decisions we make, we just make them.  For me, the realization hit me when I was deciding "what's for dinner".  I was raising kids, working, etc etc. Every day it was the same "what's for dinner?" It's a never ending decision!!  And it doesn't end after the kids are grown!

I'm usually pretty good at making decisions, getting things done. But I had no idea how hard it is when you're making decisions for another person, and that person has opinions of their own.  And yes, I'm talking about mom. 

Its easy making choices as the mom, or head of household, but I am now making decisions about mom's life. And she (usually) doesn't like my choices!  If I suggest, she may agree, but then second guesses it at every turn.  

So it drags me down, and down, and down. I try not to let it, but it keeps happening.  Every time I think I'm done, she pulls up her phone and starts texting and/or calling. I always feel bad when I turn my phone off, but that's how I rebuild my sanity. 

The next time you find yourself making a decision, think about how many you make, and be happy that you can still manage your own decisions.  I dread the day my daughter has to start making them for me. With luck, it won't come to that!!!