Self Help Books

I started a new book yesterday. I'm not usually one for self help books, but I came across a reference and it led me to check if my local e-library had it. And they did.

Its a book about emotionally immature parents and how that affects their children.  

My mother was raised by a stepmother, and now in her 80s she has told me as a child she was afraid her stepmother was going to kill her during her sleep.  Thats a huge "whoa!!!" for me just in itself. 

But the first inkling that maybe this book will help is it stated that in order to help myself, I had to disengage from mom. And I did that in 1998. I moved from Cali to Ohio and life for me was better there. I involved myself in my kids' life in a big way. Out from under her thumb, and discouraging attitude, I blossomed. But then I moved her to AZ ... her choice. And I fell right back into patterns.

An opening line:  emotional intimacy involves knowing that you have someone you can tell anything to, someone you can go to with all your feelings, feeling safe opening up to the other person. It can only exist when the other person seems to know you, not to judge you.

In the quest to "teach us how to grow up", there was lots of judgement, mostly from mom.  She was all about "cleanliness next to godliness" and decorum. What other people thought mattered most.

Yes, at 67 its a little late to be correcting things. I'm just hoping that a little understanding can go a long way to making small changes when it comes to the stress of dealing with mom.  Because if I can't relieve the stress, take better care of myself, she could outlive me. 

Therapy can only get a person so far, been there, done that. I was a better person for all the counseling I did (in Ohio, away from mom).  And maybe its a forgiveness issue-- mine, not hers-- maybe I could forgive if the behavior was in the past, but its an ongoing thing. Hard to get out of the cycle once you're stuck in the center again.

Even at this stage of life, she has an ability to "put me in my place".  We are watching DVDs filled with old slides, our growing up years. And she still comments to this day "you always preferred sitting on Dad's lap." I was three! And yet I already has sensed or learned her ways.  Over 60 years ago, Dad's been gone for over 10 yrs, and she still manages to say that line as if it was a bad thing.  Or maybe she was jealous. I dunno. 

Fingers crossed this bit of self help will give me insight. If nothing else, at least I'll know I'm not alone in my thoughts.