Merry Single Holiday!

Hello, and Merry Christmas!  It is holiday I spend alone -- not by choice, but by circumstance.  And while it can be just a tad lonely for a few moments, this is only one in a very long string of holidays that happen this way.   Because I work retail. 

It's very difficult to make the time for a holiday in which there won't be any time.  I always work the day before Christmas, and the day after Christmas.  Which leaves exactly one day to do what needs doing.  I guess if I forced myself in a different mode, I could accomplish everything, but at my age is that something I want to do?   I could drive two+ hours to my daughters home to spend a part of the day.  Which would always include my ex-husband in some way.  I spent many holidays with him in the past, and don't wish to include him in my current holidays.  I suppose that in the effort to keep the family peace, I could make an exception -- which I do on various birthday and wedding occasions -- but Christmas has a more personal feel to me and the thought of being stuck indoors and having little to say .....  I don't care to have any kind of discussion about my life, or my family's life with him and his wife.  So we'll just leave it at that.  It's just easier if I let my children have their day with family who can be there with them, be there for them. 

I usually take the time to let myself "feel" on this Holiday.  I look at old photos, remember the good times when I was a kid, sharing Christmas with my siblings.  I remember the winters in Ohio, trudging through snow, taking snapshots of a way of life that I hadn't known (I grew up in sunny CA) and I also take time to sit in the backyard of the home I own, drinking in the Arizona sunshine.  It was a bit on the cool side today, but that didn't stop me! 

I've come a long way in my lifetime.  I've started over after three different divorces, and choose to remain single now.  I think that relationship status has gotten a bad rep over time.  It's funny how the word conjures up an image of a woman with ... loose morals, one night stands, hanging out with other lonely hearts at a bar.  That's not it at all!  I have time to do the things I enjoy - taking Sadie for a walk every day is both a chore and a pleasure.  If I want to shop, I do it when it pleases me.  Same with laundry, cooking and cleaning.  And I find nothing wrong with that at all! 



This post is both a little maudlin and defensive.  But sometimes it feels I have to defend the life I choose.  And that's not right.  It's my choice, and I choose single. 

"You can put all your effort in trying to make someone happy... 

but there comes a time when we become tired of trying to fill a bucket 

that is leaking from the inside." 

-Steve Maraboli

Ready for January!

Here it is, almost Christmas.  I'm ready for this bunch of holidays to be over and done with.  It seems like it's very difficult to get things accomplished.  Here in the Valley of the Sun, we have many people who "winter" here.  And these snowbirds, well, they love the weather and love to be out in it.  When it's 60, you can tell who lives here and who's a snowbird:  we're all wearing jackets and snowbirds are wearing shorts and flipflops!  lol



Odd dreams plagued me last night.  Some kind of odd travel over water, but not like the ocean. More like a river, only we rode on things that float.  We'd start at one point, travel over the water, then have to get out and trek across to the other side.  But we walked through what was part antique mall and part thrift store.  The thrift store portion was filled with mens pajamas:  those old fashioned ones from the 60s that were blue cotton tops and bottoms.   Hundreds of pairs of them.  Then we'd get to the other side and begin our surf over the water on our floaties.   Just weird.




Sadie and I have been doing a lot of walking.  ok.  I've been walking, she rides like a princess in her stroller.  But she loves it, gives her a chance to get out while I get to do the walking I so desperately need on a daily basis.   And it sure helps with the stress levels from work this time of year!

Work has been going ... oddly.  There are some things they want me involved in, other things they just take care of on their own.  I don't really care either way.  My job as supervisor is to make sure that folks are doing their job timely and correctly.  Sadly, I hate being a supervisor - to me it feels like being a babysitter.  These people are adults, they're being paid an adult salary, do your f*cking job! Sorry to be blunt about it, but when management says "do it this way", that's what you do.  Sure, they may put a fancy name on it "The Best Way", "The Real Deal", whatever they want to call it, you still have to follow their rules.  Break the rules, and someone is going to call you on it.  One of the gals does a good job on Mondays and Tuesdays, but the rest of the week, she seems to fall apart.  When talked to about it ... well, lets just say no conversation on that topic ever goes well.  They're moving her into another position in the store.  Probably best for all in the long run.

I have just a little more wrapping to do, then off to the UPS store I go, and then Christmas is done.  I cooked up a huge pot of stew, my son's favorite meal, and drove it over to him and his family.  They enjoyed it, and so did I!

With a headache the entire weekend, I've come to realize that I'm very sensitive to barometric pressure shifts.  When we get clouds in the Valley, ugh.  I plow through and try to keep them at bay with lots of water and healthy eats.  Did my week's worth of cooking, I have stew, baked chicken and potatoes, a large pot of chicken and rice soup, and my baked eggs with ham for breakfasts.  Can't go wrong with all that! 

But I'll be honest, I'm ready for January!

Irregularity

It's funny how blogging comes and goes for me.  It's like there are times when I feel as if there is lots to be shared, and other times where there's nothing interesting in my life - rather, nothing interesting enough to share, perhaps.  It's been an uneventful weekend, and purposefully I suppose because there are some days when I just don't want to make that call home.

I call my mom on a daily basis, just to check on her, see that things are going ok.  Because it seems like there are some days when she doesn't have someone to talk to, and it gives us a reason to connect, even if we only compare weather patterns.  lol  This past week, however, was a little bit different.

My sis is going through so many things.  She was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer a year ago, and has been having the chemo treatments, etc.  She's doing very well, and still leads a very active life.  She's lucky that way!  In my opinion, it's too active - she's always going off somewhere with her friends.  I realize that at 55 years old, her kids are grown ups now, and she treats them that way.  But no matter how grown up your kids are, they still need their parents in many ways.  Especially Mom, but that's just my own opinion. 

Her oldest son got into a bit of a situation, the girl he'd broken up with was pregnant, so they got back together to see if they could make a go of it.  Seems that isn't going to be the way of things.  You know, a baby doesn't make you agree on things if you didn't start off agreeing in the first place!  But they tried.  Now they're each looking to find a place to live.  My sister had an idea to have this girl, her grandson and her youngest son get an apartment together.  I can tell you, I was personally shocked.  They're worlds apart in experience and maturity... of course there are other issues that would make this post way too wordy.  Mom and I share the opinion that it isn't a good idea; Mom mentioned that to sis, and then let it go.  No idea what's really going to happen.

But it got me thinking (yet again) about how we as people are.  I remember being pregnant and going through that whole nesting thing.  I suppose there's something like that when you're looking at the end of life as well?  None of us know how long we have for the rest of our lives.  Being given the "C" word would make it that more prominent than for other folks, I'm sure.  I can't help wonder if sis is hitting that point where she feels the need to make sure all the i's are dotted, the t's crossed.  I know I've felt that way when I've been a little panicky about my own life from time to time.  (Mostly because in my mind I feel as if I'm still 40, then it hits me each time that I'm 58 already ... and my own i's and t's aren't all taken care of.) 

I'm waffling over how to close this ... so many things come to mind. 
Make a plan and stick to it. 
Get really good advice from friends who's opinion you trust. 
Hire a good lawyer. 
Take care of what you can take care of in advance! 

The future isn't always what we think it will be,
but we need to have some kind of plan in place.