Family Dynamics

 How we grow up has a huge impact on how our adult lives shape up.  There's a lot of talk on the internet about dysfunctional families, and how it impacts the children in a dysfunctional household.  The dysfunctions don't always mean physical abuse.  Sometimes it's the subtle little things that create some huge barriers in our adult life.   And there's a trickle down effect as well if our parents came from some kind of dysfunction as well.   My family is no different

I'm sure that what has shaped my adult years is a direct result of my growing up years.  My mother had a troubled childhood, her mother died when she was still a toddler.  She also had issues getting along with her stepmother, or maybe it was the other way around, and her stepmother had trouble dealing with stepchildren.  Add to it being raised on a farm where things were never easy, and I guess I can see where there might be issues.  Some of them weren't ones that I expected. 

As my mother ages, things become more complicated between us.  Her husband died 6 years ago, her daughter died a year ago.  I'm the daughter who moved away, taking children out of state.  We weren't close when I was growing up, and I think that created another kind of wedge between us, but I'm certain my mother wouldn't admit to it.  

As I ponder our current dynamic, it makes me wonder about the growing up years.  I always felt closer to my dad, but was that because of my own preference?  or because I sensed from an early age that my sister was my mother's favorite??  And now that my mom needs help with a few things, she asks, but she also discounts my advice.  For example, she asked me the other day if taking Melatonin to help her sleep would interfere with the new drug prescribed by her doctor.  I checked the internet, looked up both meds and found no reasons, so told her to go ahead and take it.  She didn't believe me and called a nurse hotline to ask.  This brought home what I already knew:  if my sister had given her that advice, she would have taken her word.  But mine isn't good enough.  That's a very old dynamic between her and I, and that won't be changing.  So what can I do?

One of the things I concluded with all this thinking I've been doing is that I have to live my own life, and whatever she says or does, I can't take personally.  While I can become very frustrated or agitated over the situation, I won't be the cause of creating a rift.  Or another rift.  She hasn't spoken to her brother in about 12 years.  She didn't speak often to her own dad in the last 10 years of his life either.  So while I'm not educated in family dynamics, I'm sure the current situation is a direct relation to her growing up years.  

Whatever stage your life is in, make sure you are doing your best.  What we do, what choices we make, how we act, is in direct relation to our future - and the future of our children.