Sundays

Sunday:  Ain't what it used to be!  

Back in the day ... waaaaay back.... as a little girl, our family went to church, every Sunday.  Back when fashion had 'rules', my sister and I would get white shoes, a hat and a little purse to wear for Easter Sunday.  That's when you knew you could wear white shoes.  But only until Labor Day!   (As I write this, I wonder if my own daughter knows this??  Probably not!)  *grinning to myself*  Fashion rules were something back in the day!

As an adult, when my own children were young, we went to church on Sundays, too.  Gotta keep with those traditions, right?  It seemed important at the time.  And it's probably a good thing in the long run.  My kids turned out to be really special people.  When I compare them to my sister's sons ... well, comparing one's kids to anyone else's isn't a good thing.   I'm just proud that my own kids turned out to be helpful, caring humans.  Love you both!

But without a church community, there are times when I feel ... lost.  Oddly enough, though, when I have that community, it's ... a difficult thing for me to endure.  Growing up in a small church was good when I was a kid - relatively speaking, there were about 60 or so kids who attended Sunday School on a regular basis.  Our Pastor was a fun and caring man, he made learning seem like fun.  Even his Sunday sermons in 'big church' with the grownups had little stories in them that even us kids could enjoy.   Our little church grew smaller as the years went on after Pastor Lindstrom left.  By the time my own children came along, Sunday school was maybe 20 kids on a good week (k-6th grade).  And church?  Since mine were the only young kids, I ended up taking my kids to the nursery during the sermon every week - because there wasn't another adult willing to take on that job.  Eventually I burned out on the little church, and moved on to a big church.

I enjoyed the big church setting.  I enjoyed that there were enough people in the church willing to take on Sunday school classes, or whatever else was needed.  And it enabled me to do what I loved to do:  sing in the choir.  Those were some enjoyable days, loved being part of the music community!  We had a terrific choir director, and many wonderful singers.  We even learned holiday specific music; some were just musical selections, some were actual plays.  There was a whole lot of joy in those things for me.

Things changed when it came to church things after the husband who was so 'churched' decided to have an affair, and we divorced.  At the same time, the Pastor of the church had done the same thing.  It was a heart breaking thing, I know that even churched people are human and make mistakes.  But it created a hole, maybe even a vacuum, in that part of my life, and I found it hard to continue attending church services.  That doesn't mean I stopped believing, but it's difficult when leaders and teachers fail.

Now in my "golden years"  (don't get me started!)  I find that while I believe and have a strong faith, I also accept other spiritual ways that aren't tied to a specific religion or church.  I realize that there is more than just one way of thinking/teaching/learning.  Take dogs.  They're totally loyal companions, they love us unconditionally - isn't that what we're all supposed to do?  I'm not sure I need to learn it in bookish ways when my dog can teach me these things as well.  Others around me do the same thing.  Flowers that bloom, seeds that spring up in the Earth to become trees, all of these things in nature are just as miraculous as humans are.  But a seed:  it has one job, one function, and it does it well.  Maybe we humans should be more like the seed; to find our job and do it very well.

Not every seed can be a beautiful flower; but every seed has a purpose.
Have you found yours?


PS:  As a side note, my Mom still attend the little church I attended as a child.  Her best friend was my Sunday School teacher when I was 4.  The rest of the ladies who attend were also some of my Sunday School teachers.  When I visit Mom, I go to church, and those ladies are still there! :)

Summer's coming!

I've discovered something recently.  Somewhere along in my adult life, I stopped making eye contact with every person I come across.  I noticed it off an on over the years, but just thought it was one of those things that happen from time to time.  I've lately come to the conclusion that it has to do with my belief that they eyes are the window to the soul.  And frankly, there are some souls I don't want to have contact with!

It comes up at work a lot because I don't have a lot trust in management at my BigBox store.  The boss mentioned my lack of trust, but gave me the chance to explain.  I've worked in the same store, same position, for eight years.  And throughout that time, I've had changes in management more often than some folks change underwear!  Add to that a fellow employee who supposedly works "for me", who doesn't follow instruction, and doesn't care to follow instruction, who's just there to collect a paycheck.  He has done things that are against policy, I've called him on it, I've reported him to management, but no one has backed me up.   Total lack of trust in a management team (in general) is the result.

I've been in a state of "I don't know what to do next" for the past few days.  It happens often when work is crazy-busy and work's all that's on my mind.  Thank goodness in 10 more days, all that will be behind me.  *fingers crossed*


I decided I'm taking a long weekend in June.  And I'm not telling anyone that I'm doing it.  If I decide to hibernate at home, or take off on a road trip, it's no one's business but mine.  No one's agenda but mine.  Every vacation for the past 2 years have been to see family or with family.  And as always, I take a back seat to all that everyone else wants to do.  Which is OK in most cases, because no one in my family shares any of my own passions.    Maybe heading up toward Sedona will work wonders! Altho a day at the beach sounds awesome to me, too. :)
 
Summer's coming ... what will you be doing?

Ooops, Tired and Cranky

Just some thinking out loud, because I haven't been able to find any concrete answers on the 'net when it comes to taking cholestyramine for bile salt diarrhea.  What I'm wondering is if a person's body becomes dependent on it?  Just as a person who take laxatives for an extended period becomes dependent on them on a day to day basis, is that the case (in reverse) when it comes to cholestyramine?

I've been doing fine on a half packet taken at night before bed.  It gets me through the day, just fine.  But twice in the last 4 days .... it hasn't.  One of those things that make you go Hmmm.  I don't want to have to keep increasing the dose because my body becomes ... adapted.  *sigh*  I'd rather not take if at all, if that's the case.

I've been watching what I eat and have been diligent about my walking and the number of steps per day; one of the side affects of the meds is slowing down the metabolism and reduces the thyroid hormones, so weight gain is an issue.  And hell, that's always been an issue for me.

I know everyone's first instinct is to say "go talk to your doc" ... and I will, but I like being the patient who's done her reading, studying up if you will, so that I know what questions to ask when I'm giving some kind of pat answer --- and we've all been given that a time or two with docs!

Which brings up the ultimate question:  Just how much exercise does a person need?  I have a high physical job, I never sit still, I usually have 10k steps on my FitBit before my 8 hours is up.  I'm always on my feet, over an hour a day is spent lifting boxes and packing them onto pallets.  Between the 9.5 hours I spend on my feet, and the 8 hours of sleep I need, add in an hour of travel time each day, and there's 18.5 of my 24 allotted hours each day.  Which means I really have 5.5 hours to myself.  Surely there's room for a workout in there.  But dammit, is it fair?  When do I make time for my personal hobbies - writing, photography, reading and relaxing?  There's chores, cooking, walking the dog twice a day.  When does this ol' Gal get any down time?  

OK.   I'm sounding whiny because I'm tired.  I was up at 3:30am for work.... don't ask.  lol
Thank goodness there aren't "do overs" -- no way do I want a do over for today!
Light and love to all!

Spring

This ocotillo burst into bloom ...

Gotta love spring!








Things are busy, and this ol' gal gets tired easier than ever!
golden years, my ass.  lol
so I'm killing time sitting here, writing
anything so that I'm not crawling into bed
before 6pm.  hahaha

Days and weeks are flying by, and despite all my self-promises
about eating healthier and attempting to lose weight,
it doesn't happen.  *sigh*   It might be the meds.

Today I had a regional meeting with various BigBox store managers
and the person in other stores who do what I do.  We had a round-table
type discussion on job changes because of e-commerce and how that
impacts our daily job, and the profit/loss statements.

Going to meetings like this are very hard on my "system".  I'm still
taking my cholestyramine to counteract it and keep the bile salts
from wreaking havoc, but when anxiety levels are high, so is the havoc.
yick.  I'll meditate before going to sleep, sometimes that helps a lot.

Sadie and I haven't been able to have an evening walk in a couple
of weeks now, because of the heat.  I suppose that if *I* want to get
in some walking, I'll have to dig out the stroller.  So many in my
family made fun of me -- and I shouldn't let that be a distracting factor
in my own efforts to get healthier and still spend time with my dog.

I always feel guilty after being away from her for 10+ hours for work
whenever I leave her to go do something I need to do.  Spending time
in the pool hasn't happened, workouts at the gym are a thing of the past.
(yes, this is a subliminal guilt message to my daughter, who wanted me
to take care of her dog "for a year or so" ......)  Dogs are very limiting
when someone works a lot, and wants to travel.  Especially when the
dog breed can't handle exercise, heat or excitement.  lol  nutty mutt!

OK, it's after 6pm.  I can officially take my shower and hop into bed!
lol it's one of the perks of being my age!

Are Blogs Dead?

With the popularity of Facebook and the rest of the social media outlets that captures everyone's attention, it's easy to overlook a blog.  But I keep writing here because my long though processes aren't for Facebook posts.  For me, Facebook seems to be a "look at me" type page.  I can get a glimpse into the lives of everyone in my family in just a few scrolls on my phone.  But it's just that - a brief glimpse.  Oh look, she had dinner in a restaurant!   Ahhh, how big my nephew is getting!  It's simplistic, and updated enough for most people.

But I think most people who love to write, enjoy sharing more than the latest "look at me" post, still write on some kind of journaling or blogging site.  I tried Tweeting -- but found condensing a topic into 140 characters was difficult.  Plus, most of the ppl I follow on Twitter were just as busy posting pix as they were sharing thoughts.

Have we lost the art of communication?

Sure, a picture is worth a thousand words, they say.  And to a point, I would agree.  But learning someone's thoughts, their reasons behind a photo ..... now there's something else that sets me on edge.  Someone will post a fabulous picture, or something creative, and all I can think is "well, it's good, but tell me the reason behind the photo!"   I share on Instagram, but always write some kind of blurb as to the reason for the picture.  If it's a picture of a cactus bloom, I might include the name of the cactus, just so folks will have something to learn rather than stating the obvious.

But the bottom line for all of my writing in a blog is geared toward future generations.  Right now my kids are in their 30s (O. M. G. are they really that old already????)  and there will come a time when they may wonder about having something explained.  For me, it was discovering that my long beautiful curls were chopped off into a short boyish haircut in the 2nd or 3rd grade.  I asked my Mom why it got cut off?   And she can't remember why.  Some of our old family photos are like that as well:  Mom, Who's that??   Hmmm, I can't remember.  Or she may remember a detail like "they drove a green Cadillac for the longest time..."  and still can't remember their names, or where they met.  lol

I'm sure my grandparents on either side didn't think people would be interested in what life was like for them, or the reasons that things happened the way they did, but yeah, we all like to look back and be "in the know".  

I think future generations are going to lose some of the continuity that my generation grew up with.  My parents are still in the house they bought in 1966.  Talk about continuity!  But these days, with career moves and strategic moves out of necessity, there's less and less continuity.  Maybe a few extra words written here will help my children, grandchildren or even great grandchildren some day :)

Validation

Validation.  When you look up the word, the most common definitions are related to work principals, or the 'checking of accuracy' of something.  But it can be applied to us humans as well.  We all need validation from time to time, the need to feel that what we're doing is the right thing to do in someone else's eyes.  Growing up, I looked to my Dad for validation.  I didn't have to seek his acceptance, I was his daughter, acceptance was a given.  But it wasn't validation about my feelings or opinions that counted.  It was more related to my actions.  Because I'm just a female version of my Dad:  always doing, rarely saying.   My Dad was a man of few words.  Yet you knew where you stood with him by his actions.

In a brief conversation with my friend John, we talked about validation and how he feels I'm a likable person.  To me, I'm not concerned with whether people like me.  They do or they don't and that can't affect who I am as a person, or how I feel about myself.  It's like I've finally come into my own when it comes to validation of my self.   He always asks about my finding or having a man in my life, and these days, it's not about a man.  I can do it all, I don't need a man in my life to validate me, to make me feel like a whole person.

I probably spend more time alone than I should, and maybe I *do* need a man in my life, but it sure would have to be an extra special type.  One who accepts all my foibles and weirdness, strange ideas and odd ideals.  One who can put up with the person I've become, and the person I've always been.  A do-er rather than a talker.  Yes, I know, odd for a woman.  However, with the RIGHT person, I can talk and talk. lol.  That just makes the whole package even harder to find!  And let's face it, after three divorces, there's no way I'm wanting to do anything that's remotely like starting over again!

So that means a quiet life of solitude.  I'm alone, but not lonely.  The things I do, the things I contemplate, the simple routines that I've embraced in my life suit me just fine.

To be honest, there are nights when the dreams come, vivid dreams of things from the past, people from the past, and I'm never sure of what they're trying to tell me.  (three nights ago, I dreamed an old friend of the family was passing out Black Cherry Cordial See's Candy chocolates to all of us....)  I'm sure that dreams are a part of how we deal and process things that have happened to us.  And my brain is almost always in fully engaged mode.  One way to purge it is using this blog as my personal journal, where anything goes.  And yes, it helps :)

If the right man is out there for me,
and we happen to cross paths .....
don't pass me by, give me a second look.
Cuz, baby, I'm worth it!

A moment in Time

One of the things that's great about blogging:  for me it's like a photograph:  just a moment in time,
but it records my thoughts rather than an image.  Which is ok for me as I really enjoy writing.  And some day, maybe my great great's will appreciate knowing stuff.... hehehe

My work situation is having another upheaval and I'm not sure if it's management or something else causing the issue.  Personally, I think it's management.  One of the controllable expenses in any retail situation is payroll.  When things get tight, management cuts payroll in order to make the numbers on the profit/loss statement work.  I would say that most employees don't mind taking a cut on a Friday afternoon of an hour or two to help out.  In the past, I've had managers who are on top of the money game and saving on payroll just a few dollars (if the work's caught up) can make or break a month.  My new management "team" doesn't run it that way - probably because it's a bit of work to analyze data from reports - so they're beginning to eliminate job positions.  My team of 5 is being reduced to 4, with a part time person working 10 hours to cover a weekend position.  Bare minimum coverage doesn't always work, however, because when someone is sick and calls out, or someone decides on a vacation, the rest of the team is stretched too thin.  And that's when mistakes happen.  And for me, being the type person I am, bothers me.  Why take the chance of eliminating someone, or worse, overworking those who are still there, and making costly mistakes?   I just don't get it, but that's the strategy of the manager over the area.  Very frustrating.

It's been a tough week for me.  I dozed on the couch over the weekend, and must have been in an odd position - I have a slight crink in my back that I'm trying to work out using exercise and a heating pad.  So far today it's been much better.  Hooray for that!

The meds update:  I've found that I really need to stay on top of my water intake to keep everything working correctly.  I'm on day 3 increasing water, reducing soda, and eating healthy again.  So far, it's all good, but I just keep wishing that I'd see results on the scale.  I know, 3 days isn't enough, but dammit!  I get impatient.  I sometimes wonder if I don't start a ""diet"" and then get so stressed over it that it creates more havoc than just ignoring things and doing what feels right.  Hmm.  Food for thought.   lol  no pun intended!

My friend Helen stopped in today, we got to visit for about 45 minutes, which is always a really nice treat for me.  Not many people "get me", I'm a little bit weirder than most, but she does, and it's one of those friendships that no matter how much time goes by, we just pick it right up where we left off.  Now if only there were a male version of her ...... then again, maybe not. Sadie is enough of a roommate as it is!

Haven't been out taking pix lately.  Tried taking Sadie to the park but she gets so over-excited that she hyperventilates and that creates breathing issues for her that last the rest of the day.  Totally not worth the extra stress it puts on her, and ultimately on me.

My Dad would have turned 80 years old yesterday.  I miss him just about every day.  But even more so when I'm doing home projects.  He was awesome and could figure out any problem! I think every woman needs a handy dandy guy like that in her life!  Lucky for me, Dad taught me a lot, and I can do most of the things by myself.  I'm just of the age where it'd be nice to have help *grin*

Here's me and my dad, ca. 1962

Balance!

Things go along... and then something happens, and you feel as if you're searching all over again for your footing, for the thing that makes you feel as if you're smooth-sailin' again.  With things going on, I'm feeling as if I'm on a search again -- for something, but I'm not sure what.  A friend who's known me a very long time says I do this every spring, but usually closer to June.

I get the feeling it's time for me to focus on just one thing, one part of me.  I truly want to focus on some weight loss, getting healthier and eating better, but the biggest point of contention I have with that is my lunch period.  Maybe someone out there has some advice, let me describe the situation, or dilemma.   I am supposed to take an hour long lunch.   For someone who spends all day except for that hour on her feet, constantly moving (which is the way of retail), it's a long time.  I used to take my meal in the break room.  But management put a TV in the room.  Folks who care to listen to the TV keep turning the volume up to hear over the hubbub of voices who are all chattering away.  More than 90% of conversations in the break room are about work - and 99% of them are of a complaining nature.  I found it's much too easy to get sucked into that type of convo, and I end up feeling as if my entire "my time" revolved around more work.   I like to go in there in read while I eat.  Reading takes me to places away from the work environment.  With the TV and convos, I tried wearing ear plugs, or my MP3 player - instrumental tunes in my ears while I read.  But dang if folks don't come up and begin a convo with me even then!   Back in January some time, I forgot my lunch and decided to hop into the McDonalds at the front of my store.  A booth in the back, a cheeseburger and small fries to nibble as I read my book and an hour just whizzes on by!   Hallelujah, peace and quiet.  But the next dilemma is eating McD's every day -- bad for my health and waistline!  I tried going to my car to eat in peace, but I live in the desert.  If the sun is out, my car is baking.  Too hot to enjoy much time at all.   I tried walking during my lunch hour: headphones on, steady beat in my ear.  I can walk the entire perimeter of my store three times in 20 minutes.  I guess I could walk every aisle and use up more time, but found that being in an aisle with customers leads to the next issue:  "Do you work here?"  UGH

I keep praying that someone will take over the gym that closed down, right next to the store.  I used to zip over there for lunch, change into workout clothes and get about 30 mins of cardio, loved it!  I'm finding it harder and harder to get a workout time into my schedule.  You'd think being old and single, my evenings are whatever I make of them.... but Nooooooo, I have Sadie, a very needy clingy pug who prefers to dominate my off hours.  Even now, she's standing on the bed, her front paws on the back of my chair while I'm typing this out... lmao, she's a crazy dog ...  having a dog when I'm home alone is nice company, but very restrictive given the fact that I'm gone 10+ hours a day.

I struggle with making good food choices.  I will do fine for 2-3 days, then wham, hangry as all get out and go way over my calorie limits.    How does one find a good balance in all of these things?

I'm sure if there were a simple solution to issues such as these, someone would have already marketed it and made a few billion dollars.  I know I'm not the only one.

Balance... I need to find my balance!

Be Strong

Full Service Banking - is it a thing of the past?   My grown son has an account at the same bank I do.  I wanted to deposit a check from my account into his account, and the teller refused to look up his account number by his name or his social security number.  She said she could ONLY do it if I had his account number.  I know I've done this in the past with the same bank when we lived in the mid-west.  So what's the deal?  I know she could look at his account, see that we have the same address, etc.  It's not like I wanted to take money OUT of his account.   Shame on you, full service bank.  I know that because of the length of time I've had my account, and how it's designed that I don't pay monthly service fees, but I also don't use the bank's services very often.  Cash from a debit card when making a purchase is much too easy, who needs to dash into a bank every time you want cash these days?   I was really disappointed in my bank after making a special trip to their location.

When I got home, they were surfacing my street!  I watched them run hot oil down the street, followed by little asphalt rocks on top of that.  Rollers came along to pack it down, they let it "rest" for about 10 minutes, then a street sweeper unit came long, picked up most of the little rocks, and conveyored it back into the dump truck as it swept along.  By the time I got inside my house, poor Sadie was an exhausted wreck!  I don't know how long they'd been out on my street, but she was barking up a storm to 'chase them away'!

I'm feeling stronger today, even with all the bad news lately.  I know that there is a circle of life, a season for everything.  Some day it will be my own turn.  In the meantime, I can make the most of the time I have left with my family.  Creating memories is never a bad thing.  I did it with my dad, flew up once a month to have time with him.  I'll make whatever time I can with others as well.

This was in my FB feed, and it was a great reminder, put things in perspective:

Unusual but Effective!

My oh my, it's Sunday again.  The weekend is nearly over, and it's back to the rigors of retail.  I woke up this morning with some lower back pains - probably a result of a couple of extra walks, some lifting and some exercise (on purpose) that's made me stiff and sore.  I'll gobble some aspirin tonight before bed.  I'm hoping to get a really good night's sleep.

My daughter drove up to spend time with my sister and her boys, she dropped by my house on her way home -- said she would stop by after dinner.  Mind you, I'm old and dinner for me is like eh, 4pm?  I know most people eat closer to 6.  She showed up at 945pm.  ugh.  Which means that my normal sleep cycle was a third of the way into my night and I hadn't been to sleep.  For me, that means waking up with a headache.  I've been this way for years.  Without my sleep hours, the next morning is pretty rough!  Thankfully today, there's not much I need to get done.

But I got inspired and a totally weird idea.  Didn't know how it would work out, but eh, it worked out fine.  I removed the shower doors from my bathroom, took them outside, laid them down and soaked them with CLR  (calcium, lime, rust remover)  then scrubbed them with a long handled brush and hosed them off.  Flipped 'em over and did the reverse side too.  Odd how much room there is when there's no doors - cleaned the shower stall right up at well!  I know, a little unusual, but highly effective! Trying to scrub a shower door that's hanging on it's track, it wiggles and moves and isn't very easy to clean.  Apply cleaners and they just run to the floor.  This way, oh yeah, they're shiny and new looking.  Lovin' it!

What else can I take outside to hose off??  lol

It's been a restful weekend, didn't take on any new projects, let everything else just be the way it is for now, as I felt I really needed to get 'me' back on track.  It worked.  I binge watched two episodes of the new season of Grace and Frankie on Netflix, then found myself totally addicted to another show called "Highway Thru Hell" - tow truck drivers who rescue folks who cross the Coquihalla Freeway up in Canada.  Fascinating to see them flip big rigs back upright onto their wheels, etc.  Almost always in the snowy seasons.  Not sure why this is so fascinating to me, but ... eh, it is!

Maybe that could be a future road trip!