Good Will

Dear Brian,

Yesterday I went through all the boxes of your things we'd put in the garage. I wanted to make sure that I wasn't getting rid of anything that I felt was important to keep.  Now that there's been some space and time since you died, my perspective is a little better.  But we'd done a good job of keeping things, and knowing what didn't need to keep.  A lot of your shoes and clothing was boxed, along with the one lone golf club and your microphone stand.  Neither I nor Tanya would be using it, or wanting it.  I know I certainly wouldn't be playing in a band and singing for folks!!  (Ha!)

After I'd gone through them again, I left them sitting in the garage.  About two hours later, I was like "What am I waiting for?  Why am I waiting?" and went into the garage and loaded up one trunk full.  Today, I dropped it off at the Goodwill store.  I'm sure there will be people who need or can use some of your things.  No sense in letting them just sit here and do nothing. 

But it wasn't easy.

My fear was always that you'd be forgotten ... and parting with your things means less of "you" is here.  And it hurts.  There's a huge hole in my heart, in my being, that used to be occupied by you.

Sometimes it's just a small ache.  Sometimes it hurts so much I get a belly ache. 

I thought it would soothe a few of the raw places by taking a trip to Grandma's, but that was very difficult.  Mostly because you and I traveled there often, together. 

Each day goes by and I can get lost in being busy.
But once I finish with *stuff*, and I'm alone with my thoughts,
it gets difficult once again.

The one question I ask over and over is "Why couldn't you stay??"

I miss you very much.
Love, Mom