A Chuckle

Pastor Bob McKee does a daily two minute devotional each day on YouTube, each with their own title.  Most days I remember to watch each one, but one day I was so tired that I forgot.  

At work the next day, I happened to be checking my phone when a notification came across the screen.  

It was Pastor Bob's picture  and "Where Are You?"

I sat and stared at that, *blink* *blink* *blink*

Why does Pastor Bob want to know where I am?  I thought to myself.

Until I realized that it was my YouTube notification reminding me I hadn't watched the previous day's devotion.  

I laughed at myself for the brief moment of panic. hahahaha

(If you're interested in a short daily devotional, subscribe to Bob McKee on YouTube! He's retired and travels, posting from all kinds of different locations)

Grief Doesn't End

 Dear Brian:

It's been 21 months.  I know that I will never "get over" the grief, but I do my best to honor your wishes about being happy.  But sometimes there's a reminder and the grief overwhelms me like it was yesterday.

This time it was something so simple.  I bought a TV for the spare bedroom and on the way home all I could think was how much I missed being able to bring stuff home like this and you would get it all set up.  It was the same with anything else that came in a box as well -- chairs, tables, TV consoles -- and every time I bring a box home, I think of you and how you were always willing to be my Handyman! 

So I let myself have a good cry, letting myself miss you like I've done every day since.

There's no getting over grief.  It's just something you learn to ... endure.  An article in Psychology Today says "you cannot erase emotional memory.  Besides, its not about achieving closure.  Instead, you have to figure out what you are going to do when your emotional memories are later triggered."

What I've figured out is that when something triggers my own emotional memories, I just let the tears flow for a few moments and then get back to being in the present moment and being busy with whatever needs doing.  (That age-old advise that idle hands need to keep busy.)   It's usually what prompts me later to post something here, or on your FaceBook page.  

I miss you every day, in so many moments.  And even though I wish over and over again that I could go back and change things, one thing, anything, to events leading up .... I know that I can't.  And I keep going, and keep trying to be happy in the present moments, all while still remembering all the moments of your life. 

I love you.  Mom

The Perfect Shoe

I don't know if anyone else struggles with finding the perfect shoe.  For me, working on concrete floors 8+ hours a day, with an average step count of 8500 or more each day, finding the right supportive shoe for me is quite the task.  Being overweight adds to the problem, and after my fall in February, I've been struggling with a foot problem that appears to be lateral column overload, in other words, my right foot has a sore spot on the outer edge.  It's related to how I walk and whether there is the correct arch support in the shoe.  In the past six weeks I've spent nearly $500 on shoes and insoles trying to find the right fit.  The result has been an odd pile of shoes in the corner of my room.  

I've been trying to increase my time walking on the insoles recommended but haven't been able to last more than four hours on my feet with them in.  And add to the fact that when you put one of those insoles in a shoe, your foot doesn't feel right, the shoe doesn't ride high enough around my foot and ankle to feel good.  

After a stressing about yesterday for about three hours, and a little more research on the topic, I hopped in my car and drove over to Kohl's because they carry both Asics and New Balance brands (plus, they're close by!).  I tried on shoe after shoe and figured that after my foot being sore from walking around at work, it would be the perfect time to find something that feels better than what I've been wearing.  

I tried on different sizes, styles, brands - I even tried a man's shoe because the sizes are a little different! - and finally found a shoe that I slipped on and it.  felt.  great!!  An Asics Gel Venture.  And the real test came today when I put them on this morning, have done the usual household chores then 25 minutes on the treadmill.  While I'm not hoping for a miraculous recovery and no sore foot immediately, It feels great so far, and I'm thrilled, hoping that my foot is on the road to recovery.

There Is No Word

 When a spouse dies, the one left is called a widow or widower.  

When parents die, the kids are called orphans.  

But when a child dies, there is no word for the parents who are left behind.

I know that I wouldn't be the one wearing a sign that says "I am one".  But if the topic came up, it might be easier if I could just say that I'm a ... i dunno ... parent left behind.  There is no loss that matches the loss one feels when a child dies.  The love between a parent and child is one of a kind.  Which means the loss is also one of a kind.  

When I lived in San Jose, our neighbor across the street was the sweetest older gal.  She was in her 80s and loved to chit chat, always something interesting to say.  But when her son died from a heart attack in his late 50s, she told me "We're supposed to go first, a parent should never be there to watch their child die".   I have to agree with her.  It's an unbelievable pain that doesn't fit any other description.  

My mother is a good one to go to for discussions about loss.  Her husband died, her daughter died, her grandson died, both her mother and father died many years apart.  She's had many losses in her life, but I won't be asking her which of them was the hardest.  They are all hard to deal with, each in their own different way. 

But in my normal fashion, I happened to Google a search and found this:  “Widow” in Sanskrit means “empty,” and when we go to Sanskrit for a word for a parent losing a child, the word is “Vilomah”. Vilomah is a word that means “against a natural order”. It's unnatural to have a child to die before a parent. It's unnatural to have to bury your own child.

Like I always say to my mom when we discover something we didn't know before ... "Who knew??"  I know I won't be hearing it from anyone else, but there's a bit of comfort in knowing that someone has identified us in some way.  Vilomah.  Yup, that's me. 

Hello My Name is Doris

 Six years ago I went to see this movie with my Aunt Margie.  And I remember laughing, chuckling, giggling through the whole movie.  Today I discovered it on HULU and so I watched it today.  And isn't it a strange how your viewpoint of a movie depends on your own place in the world?? 

I didn't laugh so much and felt more empathetic about the overall theme of the movie.  I ~so~ wanted laugh through the movie.  I think because I've felt the pressures of the possibility of having to move that I could relate to Doris when her brother was trying to "help" her get rid of things in her house.  She told them "No!  No! NoNoNoNoNoNo! NO!!!!!" That everything had some kind of sentimental value and she didn't want to move!  

Yeah.  I've been feeling that way quite a bit.  I don't want to move.  I worked my butt off to buy my own house with my own money after starting completely over after three divorces.  What's here in my house is mine, nothing has been shared with anyone else.  I got rid of all the "stuff".  Although I confess I kept photos because I can't un-do what was a part of my kids' life.  But that doesn't mean I wallow in the memories.  

It's never too late for new experiences is going to be the motto I take away from this movie today!

After finishing the movie, I'm having a couple of second thoughts.  I think feeling the way I do about this movie today has to do with the fact that I've been .... pondering some "what if .." situations about a man I loved many many years ago.  I am too practical and realistic to actually do anything about it.  And I've been alone for too many long years.  But feeling lonely is only temporary.  Then I get busy again and those thoughts go right out the window. 

Weird thoughts that end up all over the board seems to be the standard for me lately.  Somehow I need to find some kind of focus, something different to occupy my time (since I'm done sewing masks for the gals at the hospital where my daughter works!)  Maybe a totally different art project.  Maybe more work on my scrapbooks.  Or ......  well, it's a blank slate for me.  I can do anything I set my mind to do! 

Treasure Your Memories

 Usually I don't take these days off, but this year I did because it's the weekend directly following inventory in my BigBox store.  But its much easier to be at work, to be busy doing things that keep me from dwelling, from thinking.  

My sister's birthday, my son's birthday, my Dad's birthday all within 12 days of each other.  And all of them have died.  They're gone from my life, but not from my memories.  Most of the time, I'm fine with the memories, from all the good times we've shared.   Doing things as a family when we were growing up was something instilled in me by my parents, and I kept up that tradition with my own kids.  Between holiday traditions, vacation traditions and dinner around the table together every night, we managed to build on our memories. 

I can remember growing up, Dad would make a joke about living the high life because he has not one but *two* dishwashers -- named Linda and Lori.  lol   During summer vacations, my sister and I would challenge ourselves to see how fast we could wash and dry the dishes so we could get back outside to play with the neighbor kids.   Holidays were centered around the family meal.  With my own kids, we followed tradition and ate dinner together around the table.  We learned early on to skip questions like "how was school" getting the proverbial non answer of "fine".  We pushed them with questions like "what did you learn in school today".  It's amazing what answers come out of children when you ask different questions! 

Sometimes we had them picking sips of paper with a quote on it, or a joke, and had them read out loud.  I was always horrible about speaking in front of people, and I didn't want my own kids to have that problem! But the best memories were when they didn't have to be prompted and just spoke their minds on whatever they chose.  

Building memories with your family is something that can -never- be taken away from you, even after your loved ones are gone.  Don't choose things over people, don't choose your work over your family.  You'll treasure those memories even more later in life.

Another Year Goes By

Here it is, April 8, and another year or milestone depending on your viewpoint.  

Today would have been my son's 35th birthday.  He died July 2, 2019 and there is no way to describe how that feels.  Losing a child is probably the hardest thing there is on Earth to endure.  Unlike waiting for a broken arm or leg to heal, grief is something that never really heals.  You learn to live with the pain, or keep busy enough that the pain isn't your uppermost thought all the time.  It's there, just hovering in the background.  Sort of like feeling a headache that isn't quite a headache yet, but you know it's there.  

I could post a thousand photos, share a thousand memories, 

but it wouldn't bring him back.  

I miss him every day.

Every. Single. Day.

Vaccine and Other Things

Life has been intense lately, mostly by my own choices.  And partly by my work's choices.  We are moving toward inventory this week, and just like a good paint job, the details in the days leading up to the actual job is what makes it a success.  Which means I've been working extra hours and odd shifts.  

Today was my second dose of the COVID vaccine, and I'm happy to have that over with as well.  AZDHS did a good job with the SE-POD, we drive up, get logged in, get paperwork verified, get shot and drive off.  All told, I was there for 25 minutes.  No reactions, no weird feelings, and feeling good about it.

Things with family are moving ahead.  My brother's house is sold and packed up, they leave in a week or so for Nevada.  My nephew and his wife have their house all prepped and ready.  As soon as Aubree arrives, they'll be moving to Nevada as well.  I *hope* they don't leave before June 1, so I can meet her!   No news on my nephews and what they're planning.  The next big thing might be getting my mother moved to AZ.  But I think that needs to wait a bit.  Fall or Spring is best, definitely not right before summer!! 

Since spraining my arm, things started off very difficult - I'm right handed and learned to depend on my left hand - but it's been a little over five weeks and I have about 90% of the use back.  The other 10% -- well, that's going to be an ongoing issue, and will take some work.  I'm using my hand weights and a squeeze ball to get strength back into the small motor skills.  My grip for opening a simple bottle of PowerAde has been difficult, in the beginning I needed a pair of channellocks to get them opened! 

This stretch on the calendar is a difficult time of year.  My sister's birthday was last week, my son's birthday is coming up and so is my Dad's.  All three of them died, and it's not easy remembering them without shedding a few tears.  Having them all crunched into a two week period just adds to the pain and heartache.  I miss my dad and my sister, but losing a child -- that's the worst feeling in the world.  Missing my son crops up at all sorts of odd moments as I get through my days.  Even though nearly two years have passed, the pain is as fresh as the first day.   I know that I'll never "get over the grief", I'll just learn to live with it and move on as best I can.

As Easter approaches, my childhood upbringing comes to mind.  I love to sing the old hymns and remember all the musical productions I was in with choir.  "Precious memories, how they linger, how they ever flood my soul..."   Happy Easter!  Christ is Risen!  He is Risen Indeed!