Grief Doesn't End

 Dear Brian:

It's been 21 months.  I know that I will never "get over" the grief, but I do my best to honor your wishes about being happy.  But sometimes there's a reminder and the grief overwhelms me like it was yesterday.

This time it was something so simple.  I bought a TV for the spare bedroom and on the way home all I could think was how much I missed being able to bring stuff home like this and you would get it all set up.  It was the same with anything else that came in a box as well -- chairs, tables, TV consoles -- and every time I bring a box home, I think of you and how you were always willing to be my Handyman! 

So I let myself have a good cry, letting myself miss you like I've done every day since.

There's no getting over grief.  It's just something you learn to ... endure.  An article in Psychology Today says "you cannot erase emotional memory.  Besides, its not about achieving closure.  Instead, you have to figure out what you are going to do when your emotional memories are later triggered."

What I've figured out is that when something triggers my own emotional memories, I just let the tears flow for a few moments and then get back to being in the present moment and being busy with whatever needs doing.  (That age-old advise that idle hands need to keep busy.)   It's usually what prompts me later to post something here, or on your FaceBook page.  

I miss you every day, in so many moments.  And even though I wish over and over again that I could go back and change things, one thing, anything, to events leading up .... I know that I can't.  And I keep going, and keep trying to be happy in the present moments, all while still remembering all the moments of your life. 

I love you.  Mom