I've been writing here on this blog for a very long time. And it's been good to me, and good for me! Having an outlet with no judgments can be a blessing.
And reading back over some of the older ones, it seems I was in a better frame of mind, a better writer, a few years back.
I've discovered that having a child die is one of the biggest life changing events a person can ever have. I notice that I'm not as outgoing, not as ... personable ... as I used to be. I guess I can feel inside myself that I've closed myself off, not letting people in. I'm sure its a defense mechanism against letting anyone else in. I don't want to have to explain my feelings that I have because of my son's death. When you're related to someone who chooses suicide, things change a lot... emphasis on a lot. They leave behind so many questions, and *no* answers. I miss my son every. single. day. And there's nothing I can do about it.
My dream was to have this house long enough, to have it paid off, and leave it to my son. I would probably ... well, who knows what the future would have been if it hadn't happened.
But I can't change what happened, and it's difficult to change my feelings about all of it.
So I just keep moving the best I can. And smile whenever possible!
No comments:
Post a Comment