Brittle

For some reason, the word brittle came to me today.  Its not a word used often in today's language.  But that's what comes from reading many books, you come across words, sometimes unexpectedly, sometimes causing you to picture something in your mind.

So today's word was brittle.  In its simplest form, meaning something easy to break or shatter.  Old glass can be brittle.

But for me, it immediately brought Mom to mind.  Which caused me to check its meaning and found: " (of a person) appearing confident and cheerful but nervous or uncontrolled within."

Mom has always been a mystery to me, she holds many secrets not spoken of.  When I was in my early teens she once told me she had a child after me, before my sister, and it was a boy.  I can't recall the context of what we were doing or talking about when she told, except that she appeared to blurt it out and then probably regretted it. And its never been spoken of again. And maybe she never told my sister, definitely not my brother. When I mentioned it, he was very surprised!! 

But that is a fine example of mom being brittle.  On the outside, there are smiles and doing things "like they should be done", but there's always been an undercurrent I could feel, or sense. 

I knew in my teens I never wanted to be like my mom, and worked hard at it. But being raised in that environment, I know that I do have some of her tendencies. I hope no one thinks of me as brittle.  Its not a pretty picture. 

So with the word brittle in mind, I visited Mom. She is having pain, didnt get out of bed today.  And constipation--- I have reminded her from the day she moved here to drink more water, but she just can't seem to remember.  Or else she sips all day.  Not enough for this dry valley, IMO. 

She was in better shape mentally today, but it went downhill in the afternoon and the text read "can you help me. Call right now." And when I call her, she's not herself. Wants me to come back and sit with her.  I try to talk her "down from the ledge" of her confusion, remind her dinner is soon, then bedtime. 

Call me in 2 hours she tells me.  Not a habit I want to start!

Chaos

Life lately isn't easy. There are many things going on in the world around us, but my world has become taking care of my house, mom's house and mom.  It can be exhausting at times, so other things are ... left for another time.

The one thing that saves me is my art. Its only creating on paper the size of playing cards, but fueling my creativity helps.

Only today I realized just how much my life comes out in art.  It isn't planned, it just happens.

My latest card is "Chaos".

Life's Hard

After falling and breaking 3 ribs, mom was sent to a rehab facility.  She's been there 5 days and has had a wide range of craziness. From my understanding, when an elderly person is moved from their home to another place, it confuses the mind and takes a bit before they come to grips with things.  

After some crazy up and down convos with her,  yesterday I thought she was pretty lucid; having some belly pain from being constipated, but not unusual for her.  Conversation was good, but she really misses her cable tv! 

Once I get home from visiting with her, I struggle with finding ways to "shake off" the effects.  So far I haven't found a routine that works for me, thinking I should switch it up and take a walk at a park to help my own state of mind. But back to the story.....

Yesterday, I was just settling into bed when I got a text from her.  "Need help. I'm being held against my will by Sunnyvale police. Call me."  *blink blink*   talk about freaking me out!   I called, she mumbled through some things. I reminded her to look out the window, its dark, time to get some sleep. Then she mumbled some more, started crying and hung up on me. 

I know she's being cared for at the facility, but I sure didn't get much sleep after that!

Small World

Just a short observation today. When I was visiting Mom, there was a guy who was running a floor scrubber.  I've seen him off and on, thought he looked familiar. But with 15yrs at the same walmart, lots of folk begin to look familiar.  

But he stopped his machine and asked if I worked at walmart.  Turns out his name is Jerome and we had worked at the same store back in 2019/2020.  

Small world sometimes!

In another note: Mom was better today, more lucid, but having a stomach ache (constipated!)  The flip flop turnaround from day to day is exhausting!

Spoooooky

Mom is in a skilled nursing facility, she has declined quite a bit in the past week. At times it has seemed unbelievably fast.

I visit every day. And there's something different every day  .... and while its sad and disheartening, I am trying to find smiles in the midst of everything.

Today, I was sitting near mom and she started talking, saying "I saw Jimmy Lee, and told him I needed more time, maybe a week or so."

This has me flabbergasted. My cousin, Jimmy Lee, died Nov 2018. I have no idea what part of this is ...... did it really happen?  I have no reason to doubt her. Its just a little bit spooky! 

In A Bubble

Lately, my life has been lived as if I'm in a bubble.  I realized that yesterday as I was giving directions to my son-in-law.  Old school would have me saying "turn right at Burger King" , the points of reference would be restaurants or stores.  But instead it was this doctor office, that hospital, all indicating that my recent "bubble" has been reduced to places I had been taking Mom. 

I know that I know that I know things should be different, need to be different, if I want my life to be different.  

I'll never be the one who says "lets go sky diving" and probably not the one who takes spur of the moment vacations.  Maybe I should think smaller ... trips to the local park, and maybe move up to day trips. 

There are a couple different quotes on this same theme:  Jack Canfield Quote: “If you want something different, you are going to have to do something different.”  and a Jim Rohn quote:  "If you want things to change, YOU have to change. If you change, everything will change for you.”

Small steps + small changes = big changes!

Its a process!

Joyous Day!

My son-in-law drove up (with my daughter) and today, he replaced my garage light!  I haven't had a light in the garage for 2+ years. The fluorescent bulbs burned out (or so I thought) and I bought LED tubes as replacements, but they didn't work. Wrong kind? A ballast problem?  I don't know.  So we went to Home Depot, bought a whole new fixture and he installed it.  My hero!

Then we headed over for a visit with Mom. She seemed a little more out of it than yesterday, but maybe she had just taken meds.  I'm not sure what the weekend schedule is.

We stopped for lunch at Togos.  I used to eat at Togos in Cali back in the 70s .... and its still just as good!  I had a California Club (#36 if you're a regular!!)

Just a little out of my ordinary is a good thing!!

PS Edit:  when I drove past Togos on Monday, they had closed up shop, papered the windows and took down the signs. So happy I got my Togos on Saturday!!

Ordinary Wonders

"Finding magic in ordinary days involves cultivating mindfulness and gratitude for life's simple moments, such as slowing down, appreciating small gestures, and finding joy in daily experiences. It also means creating magical moments by trying new things, celebrating small wins, and taking breaks from routine."

Some days I feel like I've lost the magic I had.  Or rather the ability to feel that magic around me.  Breaking from routine seems to give me the most trouble.

And maybe acknowledging this, and writing it down will help me focus my mind back to these things. 

I can make excuses that I don't have time, but reality is that I need to make time. I have become so involved in "helping" mom that mundane chores between her needs, her house and my own chores takes over.  And in that, I have lost myself.

Today was the first time I had been to PT in 8 days. I considered canceling but I am allowed my own life, too.  And I felt better for going!  Mind you, I will be a little stiff in the morning, but its worth it! 

I should probably start back reading my book, Romancing the Ordinary by Sarah Ban Breathnach.  Short daily reads to help appreciate the wonder of the ordinary things around us. She focuses on the senses: In addition to the five familiar senses, Breathnach introduces the concepts of a woman's intuitive "knowing" and her rapturous "wonder."

Thats what I want back .... that "wonder" !!)

My latest ATC card, advice to myself!

Time Will Tell

So Mom is in a rehab facility. They had her up for PT this morning and it caused her blood pressure to drop, she turned white and nearly fainted.  They put her back on bedrest and will try again tomorrow.  

I tried asking her about it, she said her leg was "stiff".  Yesterday she was able to use her walker from the bed to the bathroom. Today it was difficult to stand, walking was out of the question. 

I don't know what all of this means for her health. Its one of those niggling worries.

Time will tell.

Oh Snap ....

 ....  no hotties for me today!!

Mom has 3 fractured ribs, and in pain when she tries to get out of bed or a chair.  The hospital is helping us find a rehab facility so she can get stronger. 

Until all the i's are dotted, the t's crossed, she will be in the hospital another night.

My hope is that she realizes this is for her own good, to help her gain her strength. I'm sure that deep down there's disappointment that I didn't volunteer to be her caregiver 24/7 but I couldn't lift her yesterday when she fell, I wouldn't be able to lift her any other time either. 

I know she wants to be home.

I would too.

The 8 Hotties

At my age, hotties is kind of ambiguous. I can look, but thats about it! 

So I went to moms today, see how shes doing. She says shes tired, but seemed to be getting around ok. Until she wasn't.  Hobbling along, she turned and her leg went out and boom, down she went!

I tried to help her up, but I was afraid of hurting her. She tried standing on her own, but no luck. She only got as far as kneeling as she leaned against the seat of her chair. 

911 to the rescue!  Four cutie firemen came and helped her up, talked with her, she seemed to be doing ok.  So they left.

About 30 mins later, she says she's having pain. She's not very good at describing pain, but thought she needed the hospital.  

911 to the rescue!  Four different but just as cute firemen came to take vitals, to talk to her, to see about the pain. After being wishywashy in her answers, and her inability to stand on her own, she thought they could help her to my car.  Um. No. Ambulance please!

I was afraid that the seat belt might cause more harm. Or that I couldn't lift her out of the car, into a wheelchair once we got to ER. 

So, vroom, off she went!!! That was more than 90 minutes ago, and still no word. 

So we just wait. Again.

Hospital Stay

Yep, they kept Mom, admitted her to the cardiac floor, as they found a blood clot in her leg. 

But she is still her typical self, whining about getting out of here.  The minute I got here, she started insisting I go to the nurses desk and get checked out.  Sorry, not how it works, gotta wait for the doc to give the OK.

But in typical mom fashion, here's how it goes. She presses the button for the nurse. Nurse comes in, says she's busy with another patient, and will return.  20 minutes go by, and Mom presses the nurse button again.  When I asked why she did that, she replied "in case the nurse forgot".  *eyeroll*

That's how she is, how she always has been, and what I've lived with, grew up with. All her way, all the time.  I wasn't here when the doc made early rounds, but I'm guessing she insisted on going home "because my daughter will take care of me."  *sigh*

I am not a nurse, she expects care but only on her terms. She asks for advice, I give my opinion, and then she cries because she feels like I'm criticizing her.   She also gets mad when I speak up at dr appts, wants to know "why is tell them all that".  Um, because you should never lie to your doc by omission.

A lifetime of dealing, and I'm getting tired. I even had a dream I was at the Grand Canyon and went over the edge.  Ugh. Horrible but must have a bit of meaning. 

ER ... Again

Here we are at ER again. Mom's pain has gotten worse, she hasn't slept in 36+ hours and her nerves keep her from relaxing.

We checked in, they gave her Toradol and hydrocodone --- you'd think that would knock her out.  Nope! They did an ultrasound on her leg and found a blood clot. She broke into tears.  Her first thought was "why didnt they find this before?"  Maybe it wasn't there before, mom.  "So how did I get this?"  Um, from all your sitting. 

They admitted her, kept her overnight. But her mantra from the moment we arrived was "can i go home now?" 

She was put on a heparin drip and more good drugs. But still no sleep. You would think even from exhaustion she'd nap? Nope.

She's finagling to get out ... but to do what? Go home and be in pain? At least at the hospital she can get help!!!

They said they would release her Monday. 

90 Minutes Gone!

I don't usually scroll my phone when I get in bed, but tonight I did!  90 minutes zoomed by and now I'm grrrr-ing because I got better things to do!!  

But sometimes you just get sucked in ..... must be an October thing, funny pranks and 80s rock hits. 

Or maybe I just needed to laugh!!!

No Man For Me!

One of the discussions I've had again and again with Mom has to do with "finding someone".  She always asks "don't you want to have someone to share your life?"

Um. Hell no.

I've thought about this many times in the past years.  I've been married and divorced three times. None of them lasted, and while it would be easy to blame the men, thats probably not the case. I've always said it takes two to make it work, or be at fault. Which is why I won't put anyone else through what I've been through. 

But I've thought more recently about what my faults would have been to make those marriages not work.  And my final conclusion is that my model of how a wife acts was my mother. And the only way that behavior would work is if I had found a man like dad. Not gonna happen! I know having someone was best for her, she doesn't do "alone" very well.

A recent revelation because of my daily interaction with mom. Moving away from mom helped me feel like I was a much better mom to my own kids. But I didn't escape the behaviors I learned about marriage. 

And just maybe I'm too old now to teach this  dog a new trick.

Besides, I like being in control. Alone, not lonely! 

And Even More Rain!

It started with rain and thunderstorms around 2am. Its nearly 8am and the rain hasn't stopped , looks like more rain. All day! 

It takes a LOT of rain to make my backyard puddle so deep it begins to puddle onto the patio!

It hasn't rained this hard in my end of town in a few years!  *grateful*  

(By next week there will be weeds!!)

Rain!

We got some rain! Leftovers from tropical storm Priscilla, with more rain coming in the next couple of days.

I love seeing clouds in the sky! This was 6:15am this morning. The gray clouds with a little light is perfect for October!

Churchified

Churchified is a word I heard today. And it was like being struck in the head, because it fits so well! 

My parents were always churchified.  They went to church every week, and took us kids. But it took awhile for me to understand there was more than just going to church and it's functions. Which is probably why as an adult I switched churches. (not sure my parents were happy with that decision!)

My Aunt Margie was more than churchified. She was willing to share her belief, to pray with someone who had a need, etc. My parents didn't. Or couldn't. We said grace each night before dinner, but it was always the same kid's grace, never changed up, even on major holidays.  They told us or taught us how to act, to speak respectfully, respect elders, but was without religious context. 

As an adult, I have had my own issues with church and peoples' beliefs. And its something I've been working on. My actions as an adult when it comes to sharing my beliefs, well, I've never been an outspoken or pushy kind. But if someone asks, I'll share!!

Churchified.  I am definitely not that.

A Desire to Move

A lot of life involves family.  That's always been a big thing with Mom. She takes it to the nth degree at times, but thats how shes always been.  Lately, I feel, and know, that I am missing out on my daughter's and granddaughter's lives because they live 2 hours away from me.  So I have a desire to move.

Now that I am caring for Mom, I can't see attempting to move her again at this point in her life. So I am ... in a holding pattern.  

In the meantime, I started boxing up things I haven't used in years. But I'm finding its hard to draw the line.  Will it be boxed for one year? Five years? Ten years? Or more?

UGH!

There aren't easy answers,  but I've done this in the past.  I lived with most of my stuff in boxes for about 15 months until I could make the move to AZ.  The easiest things to pack are the stuffs buried in cabinets. It would be easy to pack up the art on the walls, but if someone stops by, I don't want it to be obvious. 

I dont know why I feel the need to keep this decision from others. But it just seems right for the moment.  In moments where I am extremely frustrated or impatient, I find myself perusing real estate listings!!

PT / Gym Rat

I have been working hard on getting my body back to normal.  Its a strange story and docs look at me like I'm crazy, but here it is.  I hurt my right leg kicking off covers in a panic when I got a Charlie Horse in my left leg.  It happened in April 2024 and I've been struggling to know what exercise will "fix it".

My current PT is Jeff and he's fantastic.  With specific stretches and exercise, things are getting better ..... slowly.  

In a kudos to me, I have been able to work my way up from 10 minutes on the treadmill to 30 minutes!  And now, I reach a mile before my 30 minutes are up!!  For me, that's fantastic.  I have spent the last 8+ months being moms "companion". She likes someone to sit and watch tv. Ugh. (I feel I'm too young to act like I'm 87 every day!)

So I'm... forcing myself to get on my treadmill daily, I see my PT twice a week, and every day I do all the stretches he puts into my app (well, almost every day!)

For my progress,  a great big kudos to me!!!

At the same time, I am currently feeling at odds. My nephew wants me to watch his son dir 3 days because his job is now 2p-midnite.  But that schedule doesn't sync with my own, and now what???  I want to help when I can but should I put his needs over moms? And mine?  Tough situations vs tougher conversations 

Its always something! 

Exasperation!

I've commented on "let them" in previous posts. For me, this involves my mother.  When you go through life, people in your circle all have their own things to do. In my relationship with my mother, I did my thing,  she did hers and we would do holidays and/or vacation time together. But now that she lives near, all that has changed. And I've had to rethink my relationship and feelings about her.

One thing that has now become glaringly obvious with life changing, is that she likes being the center.  At her home in Cali, it was our childhood home so we all gravitated there for holidays, etc. Someone was always stopping in at her home, and she liked that. Here in AZ, that doesn't happen. And now she's frustrated. If that's the right word.  She wants it to be that way again, but it won't.  Which leads me to some other conclusions.

She seems to be on her way to being disabled. And I'm beginning to wonder if it isnt ..... exaggerated.  I'm not discounting that she is in actual pain, she probably is. But is her extreme anxiety creating the problem? Does she have subconscious desires of wanting to be in the middle of "life" that its causing more pain/anxiety which in turn is stressing her body to the point of pain? 

An example is her son went on vacation but didn't tell her he was going. When asked if I knew when they were coming home, she gave a sigh that was trembling with tears. Next, she has 'decided' that she should pay me each month "for all I do". In her mind does that equate to my going to her house every day as if I'm an employee?? Because when I skip a day, the next day when I arrive, I get the silent treatment. There comes the "let them".  I can sit in silence on my phone if need be. Eventually she speaks.

I have always referred to her in my mind as a woman of nuances. She doesn't come right out and ask for something. She has to spit out clues and vague references and expects us to know what she wants. And after 50+ years of learning this, I know. But I wait until she asks.  

And now, despite all the meds she is on, the infusions she is getting to help with her ailments, the pain has moved from her leg to her hip and she isn't sleeping again.  Another phantom symptom because I am only going there every other day?? Because she wants/needs more attention? I have no answers, just strange rambling thoughts.

Lets face it, life is hard. Dealing with an elderly parent is harder. Delaing with my mother is exasperating!!!

Added note: i wasnt here yesterday, arrived today at Moms with her groceries and meds, and now she's "not doing so good" with pain and the shakes ( which she gets because ahe doesnt drink enough).  Made her suck down a Gatorade right away.

Oops!!

I stopped at moms today, and there was nothing to watch.... so I put on Chad Powers.   The language was rough .... but I forgot about the shower scene with nude butts!

Not sure if she was shocked, but she chuckled.

But she didn't say she wanted it turned off !!   We watched 2 episodes!

End of Summer

Here in the Valley of the Sun, you can tell it's the end of summer when the temp inside your house in the morning is lower than you set your thermostat.

I was set at 77 overnight, and this morning it was 76 inside.... definitely a hallelujah moment!!!

The Ten Codes

I was reading this morning and a phrase brought me back to my days working at Clarklift.  I was in my 20s, and I was the service department dispatcher.  I always joked it was the best job ever ....  that I told 10 men where to go and what to do all day long!!

In reality, I just scheduled them from place to place to repair forklifts.  We used a Motorola radio system to do this, using the Ten Codes.  A guy would radio 10-24, 10-30 which meant he was done at the current job and was ready for the next assignment.  We would 10-4 after the exchange, and if it was the end of the day, it was 10-19, return to base. 

While this was 40 years ago, I worked there 20 years, started right out of high school.  It was memorable, and I looked forward to going to work every day!

It didn't compare with the 20 yrs I worked for Walmart. Many mornings on the way to that job, the radio station would play AC/DCs Highway to Hell --- somewhat appropriate, and made me giggle while turning the volume full blast!! 

The oddest things pop into my mind when I least expect it!!  And maybe thats the point of all this .... our memories are pieces of what makes us the person we are today. We shouldn't forget them!

Crazy Dream: Trust

Crazy dream time again!  I must have been at some kind of camp. I can remember being there, teaching a 3rd grade class kind of thing. My nephew, MrZ, comes home from school, swinging his bookbag. Asked him how it went he said third grade isn't right for me..  I said maybe you're right for them???

Then we headed off to church.  We sat up in the balcony.  The preacher was on the stage that was right over a roaring river.   He said they were releasing a bunch of mosquitos and proceeded to push what looked like dead leaves over the ledge into the water.  With every push of the broom, the lights grew dimmer. 

Soon we were sitting in the dark and it felt like we were in a boat, hands grabbing the sides as it twisted, turned and rocked its way down the river until the water became calm. The lights were brought up slowly again, and we were sitting in actual boats .... wooden rowboat types. And the preacher says  "This is how you trust in the Lord.

*shaking my head*  

simple message, or totally convoluted??? 

Helicopters

What a marvelous invention helicopters are .... but they can also be annoying!  I live relatively close to a freeway and helicopters use the freeway as a sight line when they fly toward the hospital.  At least I assume that's where most are heading. Arizona uses helicopters often for medical, rescues, and even police work.

We also get the occasional Army copters that fly by - they too follow the freeway on the way to their base.  Most days, I don't mind them.

Monday, there was a wreck on the freeway in the early morning hours, and the news copters were flying slow lazy circles that passed over my house. It started just after 4 this morning and continued to just past 8.  

Its impossible to sleep, and sometimes even relax when it feels like your house is being buzzed.  So I got up and started my day.  Which is why at 530pm I have had my shower and doing some reading! Time to relax and enjoy the evening.