On Doing More

Since my son died, doing things has become something that I do out of necessity, not because it's enjoyable or gives me pleasure.  It's SO much easier to be a watcher than it is a do-er.  Watching takes little energy, and that's about the speed I've been running lately - little energy.  It's coming back slowly, and I still have days where it's easier to do nothing, but at least it's better than it was.

On Friday, I took a stroll through Riparian Preserve, and took about three dozen photos.  But I think my camera battery died in the middle of it, and I ended up with only 5 good photos.  But it was a 37 minute walk according to my FitBit so that's something!

When I uploaded to my computer and got a good look at them, I realized that there is usually only one subject in the photo, and that many of them seem to be suited to black and white - dark and a little edgy.  Perfect description of my moods.  And then I had another thought:  maybe I needed to take them a little dark and edgy and get it out of my system.







It was an overcast day,
so maybe that was a part of it.

Accepting What Is

I am following an online "seminar" called 12 weeks of peace.  It's based on grief, losing a loved one, and how to move on in life.  (If you're grieving, or having trouble getting past some old grief, click here and sign up. )  Each week there's a lesson for the upcoming days - one for each day.  The first few weeks were "easy" for me, because I was already doing many of their suggestions:  writing in a journal, creating a website, posting photos, etc. 

The harder part has been what happens after some time goes by.  It's like no one wants me to talk about Brian, or maybe in their own grief path, they're not ready to hear about him.

This week's lesson included the following:

"There is no guarantee that you will to heal. No book, pamphlet, or poem can ensure it… only you can.

Healing is a choice, and not healing is a choice.

There are so many resources available, and you can choose to take advantage of them when you’re ready. You can choose to remain open to the ones around you. It will not be easy, but that just tells you how significant your loved one IS (not was) to you. Be the fighter they want you to be, and choose to face your pain. Every day it will get a little easier, until suddenly it’s bearable. And you can enjoy your life again."

Brian's last words to me mentioned that I'm a strong person and to be strong for him.  Some days it's harder than other days.  But each day I try.  Some days I fail.  But I pick up the pieces and continue on.   It' the little things that help.  Today, I walked in a park that Brian and I frequented.  Yesterday, I planted some spring flowers in the backyard.  Even though he's not here to help, I moved forward on getting the roof replaced.  I don't always want to do what needs doing.  Some days, I just sit on the couch and veg.  But then I remember that things need to be done, and I'm the one who has to do it.  

It's not easy accepting that he's gone, never coming back

It's not easy letting go of what happened, letting go of the "what if's"

So I'm left with having faith in what will be

And that has to be enough

Remembering Always

Dear Brian,
Today I took a drive
over to the library
where we went once a week
to borrow books, CDs and DVDs.
We would walk around the pond
then stop at Taco Bell for dinner.
(His second favorite meal)

I walked around the pond,
then stopped for Taco Bell for dinner.

I don't do it often ...
or often enough
In some ways,
it helps me feel closer to you.

Missing you every day,
Love,
Mom

Moving Somewhat Forward

In a crazy world, how often do we have to wait for something?  Seems like all the time, for just about everything! 

Well, I've been waiting for my roof to be replaced -- keeping my fingers crossed that it would be done before an heavy rains set in.  All About Roofing was the company I went with, and they told me it would be the end of February, first of March.  Three days ago I got a call and said it would be Feb 27th.  When I got home from work that day, there were stacks of shingles on my roof.  It surprised me, as I wasn't expecting it to be so many days prior to my installation date.  I rearranged my work schedule so that I'd be home on the 27th, thinking I would need to be with Sadie because she might bark herself into a frenzy.  While I was working on Weds, I got a call, said my roof was installed and the job done -- less than a 10 hour job! 

Austin, my rep, dropped by after I got home from work (to collect my check!) and to see if everything was done.  It looks great!  As he said, they stripped the old, and installed new.  They also put up new roof vent things, and cleaned up so well!  He told me they had a crew of 12 in 5 trucks here at my place -- you couldn't tell that any one had been working all day on my home. 

I'm tickled pink that I could get this important repair done -- before our monsoons arrive.

When I bought the house in 2009, they told me the roof appeared to be 8 years old. 
I've been here 10+ years, and it was definitely time to get the job done.

I could have used my son to be here for it all,
he's so handy when it comes to repairs
but *sigh* 

I'm doing a few more things, and life continues to move on.
I planted some spring flowers in my planters.
They won't last into the summer, but they will cheer me through spring!
and with that, there is a bit of moving forward.

Grief Hurts

Dear Brian,
Here we are, nearing the end of February already! Where does time go?
And yet --- there are days that seem like they'll never end ....
but that's probably job related in my case!

I was scrolling through my phone on break, and started perusing the photos I've posted on the ForeverMissed  page I set up.  I got through about a dozen photos and tears started streaming.  I was remembering all the things we've done together.  After high school, you and I were pals, a team.  We did so many things together, some of them just ordinary chores.  Like our weekly trip to the library, a stroll around the pond then Taco Bell for dinner (his second favorite meal!)  We started that in Trotwood, and continued it when we moved to Arizona.  Or the weekly grocery trip.  You always came along so that you would have his favorite treats - or cravings - for the week.  Of course, it was good to have you along in order to do the heavy lifting!  hahaha

It's been nearly 8 months and I miss you every day.  Every. Single. Day.

But life goes on.  I'm painting the garage, it's been 10 years since we painted it, and it needs it.  Then there's having a roof put on this week.  When I got home from work, there were shingles up on the roof!!  And needing a new AC/heat unit later in April.  Gotta get it done before triple digits sets in -- usually around May 15th. 

Brian, Brian, Brian. 
It hurts to think about you, and it's not easy going on.
But I am doing that.

I miss your silly jokes and your laughter.
Love you,
Mom

Adulting Woes

Have you ever noticed that when things start to go bad, it seems to escalate?   I had to hire a roofer and that isn't cheap!!  There was a problem with a payment to my mortgage company and now I had to pay double this month!  And my car insurance is due.  I usually pay that in a lump sum for the next six months.  But I don't think I'll be able to do that this month!!  Where can I be cutting corners?  I usually keep my thermostat at 68, but maybe I can go lower.... 66?  and PB sandwiches for lunch for a few days.  OK.  That won't be so bad, I like PB.  Less bottled water and using the tap instead.  *shudder* 

I know I can't count on a raise at work, but that sure would help!  But it's not the big chunks that will make a difference.  We all know that when it comes to our salaries, January means the beginning of a new year of health insurance payments, and those went up.  Groceries seem like they are always going up, along with gas and utilities.  I'll be reviewing my finances in depth ... soon.  Or even sooner?  It's the little choices each day that can add up.  I read somewhere that indiscriminate spending of just over $27 a day could waste over $10,000 a year.  We all know how easy it is to just buy something because we want it, not because we need it.  I'll have to keep an eye out on that.

Lately, I procrastinate a lot.  I'm more re-active than pro-active, and I shouldn't be.  I need to make an effort, a better effort than I've been making.  A solid review, and some major edits on how much is being paid on each bill. 

It sure isn't fun being an adult, and having to do all this adulting.

Or maybe I'm just grousing. 

I didn't realize that being an adult would be this difficult, or take this much effort.

Ralphie and Other Memories

Dear Brian,

It seems odd that I keep going in "survival mode" and doing what needs doing.  When I'm at work, things are OK -- I just focus on what needs doing and it gets done.  When I'm at home, it's a different story.  Sometimes I feel like I'm just going through the motions, doing things but in reality it feels like I'm waiting for that moment when you walk through my door again.  I know in my brain that it isn't possible, but my heart .... still waits. 

I was driving to work and heard a really good song about someone dying and the singer felt like this wasn't the way it would be, that she was the keeper of his memory.  And that's what I feel like:  the one who keeps your memory.  Maybe because we spent so many years together.  Yeah, yeah, parents raising kids get the first 18 or so years, but you lived with me much longer.  When you became an adult, those extra 12 years and all the things we did - that forged a bond. 

As I go about my chores and doing things that need doing, I was cleaning in the garage and found a few things over the past few days. 

Here's Ralphie, the teddy bear.  He's small, soft and oh so comforting.  My teddy bear collection started in 1989 when I had some surgery, and Ralphie was one of them.  (after that it became an obsession and grew to over 30 bears!)  But on days when you were struggling, or couldn't sleep, you wanted Ralphie.  I can still see your chubby little arm wrapped around his neck, holding him close to you. 

Then in another box, I found the ID bracelet you got when you went to Bracher School.  Judging from how small it is, it must have been kindergarten!   And today when I was painting behind the shelves in the garage, I found one of those bicycle "plates" from Ohio with your name on it.  You didn't have a bike after we left Hamilton in 2004, so it's from before that.  I chuckled to myself, because you always kept things that I never would.  But it made me smile today! 

It's been 7 months since you died, but I feel like I've aged 7 years.  There are still things that need to be done, but it's going very slowly.  Some things I don't have the luxury of waiting -- taxes are waiting to be done as well.  February has never been my favorite month!

I had to find a roofer to get a roof put on the house.  It was an ordeal but I signed with one on Wednesday, and it's going to take a chunk of my $$ but ... I can't risk a leaking roof! 

If you were here right now, I'd say "Let's go grab a burger from Jacks!"  and you'd probably say "I'd rather have Taco Bell."  lol that was always the joke with us.  I miss it every day.

Love you always,
Mom