Almost a New Year

 Dear Brian,

It's difficult to think that another round of holidays are upon us.  And to think that I'm going through it without you.  It hurts, but we keep moving forward as best we can.

Another surge of this COVID virus is making the rounds and they're advising that we don't get together with others from outside our own home to keep ourselves safe.  It's making things difficult for some.  I know Grandma misses being able to get together with friends and family, but she's very afraid of being exposed.  I spend about an hour a day on the phone with her, and end up doing a lot of reassuring.  She's surviving though!  

Jake and Haley had baby Josie Lee, and Anthony and Krissy are expecting in May - a girl named Aubree!  It's a growing family, and life moves on.

I painted my bedroom this year, two weeks ago, and happy I got it done early.  I caught a cold, and stayed home from work (SHOCK!!) but I was worried about COVID too. I sat on the couch bingeing on 7th Heaven and taking my temp every hour.  But it seems it's just a cold, and has already gotten better.  Thank goodness. 

I forced myself out to the park behind the library, got a few good shots, but I'm a little out of practice.  It hasn't been easy trying to be .... normal in an abnormal world.  But then, I'm not so normal even on a good day!  

It hasn't been easy going through these days without you.  If you were still here, I'd have no qualms about moving to Calif to take care of mom, and leaving you in the house.  But they were my long term plans, and that hasn't worked out.  I miss you every day, and think of you at least once every day.  When you were 16, you told me you'd live with me forever -- and we both laughed!  But now ... how I wish!  Things will never be the same, never feel normal for me.  I'm trying to follow your wishes and be happy, but it's hard to be happy when one loses a child.    I'll always love you

Missing you every day,

Love, Mom

Busy, but Still Sad

 Dear Brian,

It's October now, and we're rolling quickly into the holiday season.  There are so many things going on, and it's times like this when I wish time would slow down -- or have a day where it kinda stops! -- because I feel like there isn't time for me to sit and think.  About you.  About should haves and would haves.  And about what the next phase is going to be.  

Grandma is struggling more and more.  Technology is beyond her grasp at times and she worries when she can't get the info she needs.  And it's little things, like calling the bank.  Before COVID, you could just visit your branch and see a banker with your questions or issues.  Now, half the branches are closed, and you need an appointment to even get inside the bank.  Withdrawals are only done thru an ATM and she doesn't know how to use that, either.   I help as much as I can but it isn't easy long distance.

I need to somehow get a vacation to Cali in between all the work issues and doc visits that are scheduled.  Maybe the second week of Nov.   I just need to decide and go for it.  

I had to call Joe from across the street to help me with the new fridge.  I just couldn't figure out those weird little compression fittings.  I hate it that you're not here to help.  And I'm still sad over that.  It makes me wish over and over that I could have helped, or that I could have said something to make a difference ....  *sigh*

I loved you, will always love you.  And I miss you like craaaazy! 

Love, Mom

Too Much Going On

Dear Brian,

Life has been hectic lately, and with everything going on .... boy, I miss having you here! 

The fridge has been acting up, so I called in a Sears repairman.  The logic board went out on the freezer side, and the parts are no longer available.  So I had to dash around to Home Depot to see if I could find another one.  But all the side by sides are taller than will fit in the space.  Ugh  So I dashed over to Lowe's.  They had a Whirlpool that would fit but the ice machine was in the door and looked kinda jinky; next to it, a Frigidaire that's exactly like the one here.  AND it was on sale.  So I didn't waste any time and bought it.  It will be delivered Weds, and I'm wishing you were here all over again so that the ice maker line could be installed.  Here's another thing I gotta figure out how to do on my own.  

I was sewing more masks today, and my sewing machine seized up.  If you were here, I know you could figure out how to fix it.  And now I have to invest in a new machine, or have this one fixed.  Having this one fixed is better, because it's all metal and a real workhorse.  New ones are all plastic-y ... *sigh*  Another reason for wishing you were still here. 

I miss having convos with you, even though I have them every day in my mind.  I still tell you things and then wish you were here to help me with this thing or that chore.  Not a day goes by that something doesn't need doing, and I wish for your help. Or your company.  

I burst into tears yesterday and today, just from missing you.  I'll never truly get over not having you around.

Love you always, 

Mom

Family Time

 Dear Brian:

Just got home from a trip to Calif; we were there for Auntie's burial.

With the COVID pandemic, things are certainly off.  We had to make an appointment for her burial, there was a limit to how many could attend (20).  Once we made the appointment, we turned in a list of names with addresses and phone numbers for everyone who would be attending.  It wasn't easy determining who could be there, and who couldn't.  Of course, you know how it is with Auntie -- literally everyone in Santa Clara knew who she was.  If it had been open to the public, there wouldn't have been room to hold everyone.  

It was a warm sunny day; chairs were spaced six feet apart and we all wore masks.  The heck with the social distancing rules, some of us hugged each other!   It was sort of a clusterfuck in that the cemetery doesn't open it's gates for those attending until 5 minutes before start time.  Grandma and I tried to be there early -- that didn't go well.  lol .   We parked then had to wait, and Brandon escorted us in to the correct gate.  Too much anxiety for a day filled with so much anxiety!  

We had a party for family afterward.  Jake brought pizza and plenty of booze.  It was nice being able to share the day with all of them.  They even got Grandma to drink a shot of Fireball --- needless to say she didn't like it, and made quite the face!  They recorded it.  haha  Was too funny.

The boys were drinking shots of Fireball and beer and .... I don't know what else.  They were soused by the end of the night.  We chased them out at 10pm, Grandma had had enough!  The next day, Jake wasn't feeling well but he brought Zane by to see us all, what a cutie!  

But the whole time, I kept wishing you'd been there with us.  You should have been.

I miss you every day.

Love, Mom

What a World!

Dear Brian,

Today, I scheduled to have a new AC unit put on the roof next week.  And I realized it will be on your birthday.  Another "first" without you.  And it hurts.

I've been following the "12 Weeks of Peace" program put out by NationalCremation.com.  It's been an awesome resource, but the final word on it all: 

• "This is the end of our journey (84 days), but it is not the end of yours. You will grieve, heal, mourn, cry, and recover over and over again for the rest of your life. We spoke earlier about saying goodbye to a loved one in the sense of accepting their death, but you will never say goodbye to them from your life."

I've learned that you will be in my heart forever, and no one can take that away from me.  I also feel it's my job to keep you remembered, by writing to you, about you, and posting on your FB page. 

But all that aside, you're missing a quite intensely scary world right now.  We're on curfews and are supposed to stay home to keep COVID-19 from spreading from person to person.  Businesses are shut down, anything deemed "non-essential" ... I wonder if it's lucky that I'm considered essential? ha!  Maybe more like sacrificial is the correct term?  (lol)  Poor Grandma is stuck home alone because her age makes her that much more vulnerable to the virus ... although all things considered, my own age puts me in that same category! Yikes!

I've been having to make and bring my own lunch to work; I eat at my desk to avoid people in the break room.  Management takes our temp before we start our shift to be certain we're not running a fever.  I also take my own temp at bedtime each night, just as a double check.  After work, I come home and go straight to the garage where I strip off my work clothes and shoes, then take my shower.   I have never lived through anything like this!

But even with all of this going on, you're still in my thoughts a hundred times a day.  Something funny will happen and my first thought is sharing it with you, just like always. 

You're always there with me in my heart,
and in spirit.
Love you always,
Mom

Accepting What Is

I am following an online "seminar" called 12 weeks of peace.  It's based on grief, losing a loved one, and how to move on in life.  (If you're grieving, or having trouble getting past some old grief, click here and sign up. )  Each week there's a lesson for the upcoming days - one for each day.  The first few weeks were "easy" for me, because I was already doing many of their suggestions:  writing in a journal, creating a website, posting photos, etc. 

The harder part has been what happens after some time goes by.  It's like no one wants me to talk about Brian, or maybe in their own grief path, they're not ready to hear about him.

This week's lesson included the following:

"There is no guarantee that you will to heal. No book, pamphlet, or poem can ensure it… only you can.

Healing is a choice, and not healing is a choice.

There are so many resources available, and you can choose to take advantage of them when you’re ready. You can choose to remain open to the ones around you. It will not be easy, but that just tells you how significant your loved one IS (not was) to you. Be the fighter they want you to be, and choose to face your pain. Every day it will get a little easier, until suddenly it’s bearable. And you can enjoy your life again."

Brian's last words to me mentioned that I'm a strong person and to be strong for him.  Some days it's harder than other days.  But each day I try.  Some days I fail.  But I pick up the pieces and continue on.   It' the little things that help.  Today, I walked in a park that Brian and I frequented.  Yesterday, I planted some spring flowers in the backyard.  Even though he's not here to help, I moved forward on getting the roof replaced.  I don't always want to do what needs doing.  Some days, I just sit on the couch and veg.  But then I remember that things need to be done, and I'm the one who has to do it.  

It's not easy accepting that he's gone, never coming back

It's not easy letting go of what happened, letting go of the "what if's"

So I'm left with having faith in what will be

And that has to be enough

Remembering Always

Dear Brian,
Today I took a drive
over to the library
where we went once a week
to borrow books, CDs and DVDs.
We would walk around the pond
then stop at Taco Bell for dinner.
(His second favorite meal)

I walked around the pond,
then stopped for Taco Bell for dinner.

I don't do it often ...
or often enough
In some ways,
it helps me feel closer to you.

Missing you every day,
Love,
Mom

Grief Hurts

Dear Brian,
Here we are, nearing the end of February already! Where does time go?
And yet --- there are days that seem like they'll never end ....
but that's probably job related in my case!

I was scrolling through my phone on break, and started perusing the photos I've posted on the ForeverMissed  page I set up.  I got through about a dozen photos and tears started streaming.  I was remembering all the things we've done together.  After high school, you and I were pals, a team.  We did so many things together, some of them just ordinary chores.  Like our weekly trip to the library, a stroll around the pond then Taco Bell for dinner (his second favorite meal!)  We started that in Trotwood, and continued it when we moved to Arizona.  Or the weekly grocery trip.  You always came along so that you would have his favorite treats - or cravings - for the week.  Of course, it was good to have you along in order to do the heavy lifting!  hahaha

It's been nearly 8 months and I miss you every day.  Every. Single. Day.

But life goes on.  I'm painting the garage, it's been 10 years since we painted it, and it needs it.  Then there's having a roof put on this week.  When I got home from work, there were shingles up on the roof!!  And needing a new AC/heat unit later in April.  Gotta get it done before triple digits sets in -- usually around May 15th. 

Brian, Brian, Brian. 
It hurts to think about you, and it's not easy going on.
But I am doing that.

I miss your silly jokes and your laughter.
Love you,
Mom

Someone Special

Dear Brian,

Here it is, the first holiday without you.  Thanksgiving.  A day when you think about all the things you're grateful for.  It was hard to think about you -- you wouldn't breeze in the front door this year. 

Because I work retail, that means I worked on Thanksgiving day - just like the past 10 years.  But that doesn't mean it's a day that's like any other day.  It's still a day to be grateful, and still a day that is celebrated, even though it may be on some other day.  For me, it was Saturday.  And that was a very difficult day.  I sat on the couch, TV running, but it felt like I was waiting for that moment when you'd come home.  And it didn't happen.  Simple things made me sad, and I cried for a little while because I miss you very much.

It was a rough work day, the store was busy both Thurs and Friday.  And our new management team decided that we all needed to work a 10 hour shift on Thurs .... until 11 pm!  I am a morning person, so that didn't work so well for me.

I thought of you often during the holiday, and found a little poem:

Those we love don't go away

they walk beside us every day

unseen, unheard but always near

still loved, still missed, and very dear.

I used that on the last page of the annual calendar I create and print for family each year.  And I hope it helps the rest of them like it does me, to remember that you're always as close as can be, because you're my son and I love you.

Love,
mom

Vacations and Age

Vacations are terrific.  Vacations take you away from the normal routine and give you something new to look at and experience.   But let's face it, vacations are also a lot of work.  When you're single and old like me, there are so many things to deal with.  It stressed me out to put Sadie in a PetHotel; it stressed both Sadie and I out when I got out the suitcase to pack.   Traveling always stresses me out as well.  I *hate* using airplane toilets and try my best to avoid it at all costs. 

Just five years ago, in 2014, I traveled to Cali and back again once a month.  But it was easier then.  My son was here, stayed with Sadie whenever I went.  I could rest easy that someone would be at the house, and Sadie would be well cared for.   But no more.  I miss that.

Putting Sadie in a PetHotel was an experiment to see if I could swing the whole travel thing on my own, and for the most part, I think I can do it.  Four nights was just a bit long, but would go better if I change up Sadie's diet so that she eats more nuggets and less wet food. 

And I'm rambling.

I had a little bit of a breakdown today; I miss my son, and I was tired from traveling, and it all converged at once.  After a crying jag, I put Sadie in the stroller and took a walk to shake it off.

It worked.  Mostly.

Grandma's

Dear Brian,

I'm here, at Grandma's, and it's not the same without you.  

We walked into the backyard, we are looking at the big tree in the backyard .... 

and wondering what's going to happen.  

It's been "our" chore for many years, 

and now you're not here.

And it makes me sad.

There are many little chores that Grandma was saving for you.  

I helped her with some of them today. 

Then we dashed to Target -- because Walmart was too far -- and picked up some batteries, and some socks.  Yep, really exciting!

The rest of the day was chilly so we stayed indoors and watched "Country Music" by Ken Burns.  Very good, very well done, very enjoyable.  Loved seeing the old stars!

Miss you every day,

but even more here at Grandma's. 

Love you always,

Mom

It's Feathers!

Dear Brian,

It's Saturday, my day off, and there were so many things I thought to tell you, and now they've slipped my mind.  I've got a bad case of old-timers these days, and I'm not sure why.  OK.  I think I know why:  so many changes going on, and with them, a resistance to change for me.  As I get older, I'm more and more resistant to change.  But that's the new norm, so I have to get used to it.

Charlie is home from the hospital; Joe from across the street came over and we had a good chat.  He's the one who took the turtle - says it's doing well in his new home!  He took your .22 off my hands, and I'm happy it's no longer in the house.  We talked about the neighborhood and how things have been going.  I told him how I was a bit nervous after walking Sadie the other night.  He told me that the house cameras he has are set up to see the entire street, so he's been watching out, and that if I am ever nervous again, to come get him and he'll have a look around. 



I got a text from A yesterday. 
He was at a function in town, and writes: 

"Found this in the chair I sat on this morning... (a feather).

Took it off, threw it on the floor.

Went to check the schedule

And it was back on the chair

when I came back.

Brian is here with me" 

Thanks for letting us know that you're with us

in spirit, watching over. 

I miss you every day.

When I see someone on a bike, I do a double take

thinking I'll see you again.

I know in my mind it won't be you

but my heart wishes it was.

I'll be watching for your feathers!

Love,

Mom

Letter of Updates

Dear Brian,

It's Tuesday today, and I'm off work tomorrow, which makes this sort of my Friday?  and it feels odd not to eat pizza  (haha old family joke!)  Moments go by, sometimes hours even, when the entire hurt of thinking about you isn't first and foremost on my mind.  And therein lies my original fear:  that you will be forgotten.  Truthfully, I know that you're not forgotten by anyone, but like me, they're moving on with their lives and stop using the internet as a touchstone to your accounts.  But it doesn't stop me from making sure my thoughts are written down. 

I once thought that they would be here for you and Tee to read when I'm gone; that my so called "wisdom" would be passed down.  Or that you would know more about me than ever before.  Now that you're in heaven, I'm assuming you know it all now. 

My thoughts are muddled at the moment because I was awake at 1:40 am, and didn't fall back asleep until after 4am.  So I'm tired after working all day, and the Melatonin I take to help me sleep kicks in quickly. 

I'm traveling to Grandma's next week.  I'm sure trimming the tree will be a part of the agenda.  It will be extremely difficult to be there without you.  Sadie will stay in a Pet Hotel, because I can't drive with her in the car any longer, so I'm flying in and out.  Short trip, but needed.  I told the family that I don't want to "do" stuff when I'm there.  I'm content to just hang out and actually rest.  I'm going to bring Grandma a puzzle, and all the old Dr Seuss books for Zane. 




I look at your photos often,
even watch the video I made
now and then. 
I still have a hard time watching the portion
of you playing Freebird. 

How I miss you. 

Every single day.



Love,
Mom

A Little Bit Mad

Dear Brian:

I'm a little bit mad at you today.  I had to call to have some plumbing work done.  And it's all stuff you've done in the past.  I miss your not being here to help me take care of this house that I fully intended to be yours.  While it was costly to have them come out, I'm stuck having to have someone who knows something come out and check things over.  For $100 they inspected each and every water faucet and valve in the house.  BTW,  they said your job under the kitchen sink and dishwasher installation was dandy.  But I already knew that!  :)

I know in my own kind of logic that I am not in a place to make major decisions.  I'm having a hard enough time deciding to drive to Grandma's for a vacation.  If the drive is stressful, I'll be stopping halfway.  Which makes for a shorter trip at her house, but better for me.  I guess it's the conundrum of the decision making process as one gets older.  I'm too young to be retired, but too old to do some of the things I've been doing .... *sigh*

I'm starting to think that I need to be in Tucson, closer to Tanya, someone who can help "take care of me" ....  as I get a little bit older.  Which is coming on way too fast!

It's been difficult, this transition, and I'm finding that I need less stuff.  Parting with your things hasn't been easy.  I find myself making decisions on whether or not it's something of yours that brings a smile or a memory to mind.  If it doesn't, then out it's going.  Sounds a bit harsh, and believe me, it's much more difficult for me than I made it sound. 

It all hurts so much. 
you're not here to share the funny little things
you're not here to share the load
you're not here to share your smiles
you'll never walk through that front door again

and i miss it. so very much.
surviving someone's suicide is one of the hardest things ever
i love you
mom

Miss You

Dear Brian,

How much I miss your smiling face and your sense of humor.  You didn't often share those with the whole world, just the people you were close to.  I miss the sound of your voice and how you would fix things when they needed to be fixed.  (by the way, my shower valve is acting up .... )

I dreamed of you last night.  We must have been saying goodbye, because I held you tight and cried until you had to go.  For some odd reason, you were wearing a flannel shirt. hehehe  Familiar for Ohio, definitely not necessary for Arizona! 

There was some kind of sonic boom last night around 1:30am.  It woke me up, and I felt the percussion of it.  It knocked my TV off, and all the street lights were out, even though the power stayed on.  After that, I couldn't go back to sleep.  Which means I'm extra tired today.  But maybe that will be good; I have a weird shift on Monday, 4am-1pm.  I don't know what my BigBox store is doing -- do you think HD would hire me?

With all you had going on with the ex GF, and working third shift for quite a while, you were definitely sleep deprived.  Moving back home wasn't what you wanted to do, but was necessary.  I'm sorry if you felt I pushed at you to be your "normal self" again.  I scrolled through your photos on FB and realized that in your time with the ex GF, you lost weight, and your hair and skin wasn't the same any longer.   All the stress and rough times was taking a toll.  If only .... 

I say that often to myself.  I relive scenes in my brain and wish for a different outcome each time....

I miss you.
I love you.
Mom

Lonesome Thoughts

Dear Brian,

Today we're busy marking things down to clearance prices in the hardware department.  There are a few things that are a great price! and I wish you were still here with me to install the stuff I'd like to buy.

How I miss your humor and your laugh, and your tolerance of me and my silly ideas when I want to try something new in the house.

Sometimes I'm mad at you for choosing death by suicide.  I can't help feeling that we could have helped you work through all your non-feelings and the other bad feelings you had.  Sometimes in life we all go through hard times.  And we survive through it, and become stronger people for it.

Look at me.  I walked away from three different marriages because things didn't work out.  Sure some of it may have been my fault, but there were things within each of those men who didn't meet my own needs.  After a while, it often felt like I was the one trying to pull a wagon up hill by myself.  After a while, a body becomes tired.  I know I did.  But I didn't opt out of life, just out of those relationships.  Because I knew that my family loved and needed me, and I loved and needed them.

No, don't get me wrong, I'm not blaming you.  I know that M did things, manipulated things, and frankly, wasn't very truthful with some things.  And this took a toll on you.  A very deep toll.  But you should know that whatever happened to her, with her, by her, wasn't just on you.  It takes two people to make or break a relationship.  And when she broke it off with you, it had no bearing on you or your worth.  She's the one who messed up and let you go.  Because you were a great person, and you did what needed to be done.  Every time.

In a very small minded way, I hope she feels guilt over what she did to you.
and shame on me for saying it, but it's how I feel.

I'll keep writing you, and I'll continue to post your stories because I want the rest of the world to know the Brian I knew, and because I don't ever want you to be forgotten.

Love always,
Mom.

Reliving It All (Part 2)

Dear Brian,

All night I was plagued with the question:  Would you have made the choice to end your pain if you knew what other pains, the ripple effect, your death would have on the rest of us?   Had you been in your right mind, I don't think so.  But that's second guessing, and you needed to find your peace.

The morning after was rough, we all walked around in a daze, wondering what to do, what needed to be done, and how to go about it.   With your body at the morgue and the next day the 4th of July, we needed to get arrangements made.  So I called the funeral home and made the appointment for 1pm.  In the meantime, we decided to go through your room.

We couldn't find a suicide note; we found your phone but it doesn't work.  Of course, all the little things -- the junk you never could get rid of was boxed up.  We went through your clothes.  Luckily Alonzo could fit into some of those jeans that had gotten too big for you, so they went to a good cause.  Your motorcycle jacket went to Brandon, since he rides to work every day.  Some of your work shirts were still looking good enough, Alonzo can wear those to work!   No one fit into your shoes.  They're all still piled in the garage. 

When it came time to leave, we tried grabbing a little snack -- no one feels like eating just yet, but we know that we need to.  We arrived at the mortuary and of course there are several decisions to be made. We looked at the urns, and while your sister needed some time to think about it, I didn't.  I saw one that was all black, nothing fancy on it, and knew in an instant it was perfect for you.  We decided on an electric guitar, block lettering for you name and date.  Simple.  Timeless.  Classic. 

There wasn't anything left for us to do but head for home, stare at the same walls, let the TV keep our brain occupied for a bit more.  No one was interested in finding a fireworks display to watch.  We spent part of the afternoon looking through things in the garage.  I sat down at the computer to ... well, I don't remember what I was going to do, probably look up some photos.  I opened my drawer and underneath my portable hard drive, I found your note. My heart nearly needed a jump start.  I didn't want to read it.  And yet I did.  I wanted to know everything you were thinking, learn whatever you needed to tell us.

I carried it out to Alonzo and Tanya, they read it too.  It was so sad to hear your final words. It has always made me wonder why you couldn't talk about Michelle and family.  You were living like a family, but I'm certain it wasn't any kind of family life you'd ever had in the past.  And maybe you felt some kind of shame in the way things were, so much so that you wouldn't talk about it.  And you needed to. 

That night, I slept maybe 3-4 hours, because my body was exhausted.  There weren't any kind of arrangements that we could have made because it was a holiday, so we pretty much coasted through the rest of the day and evening.  I cooked the lasagna you and I were going to have, so that helped us feel a little bit more normal -- fixing dinner and eating something helped everyone feel a little better.

Friday was going to be another difficult day. 

Here's the urn we selected for you:

Missing You

Dear Brian:

Today, we picked up your urn. 
It was a very poignant moment. 
I didn't really want to do this. 
It's a weird feeling; we're doing a lot of work to make a Celebration of your life, and there's a whole feeling as if this is a party for you -- well, it is -- but I expect you to be a part of all this.  But you won't be there. 

I wish I could hug you again. 
To tell you I love you.

I miss you. Always.
Mom

Already Across

This morning, my iChing title came up:   Already Across.

Perfect!

We had Dad's military funeral yesterday at San Joaquin National Cemetery.  It's out in the rolling hills away from freeways and buildings.  It's a beautiful, peaceful place with birds flying overhead, sheep grazing on the hills in the distance.  And there's something about the methodical precision of the military that adds grandeur and grace.  You couldn't ask for a better resting place!

Yep, Dad, you're Already Across!
Love You!!