Could Haves, Should Haves

Dear Brian:

Here it is, four months later.  And it still hurts like it was yesterday.  At least some of the shock has worn off.  But I'm still bothered ... plagued, even ... by thoughts about what I could have done different, should have done different. 

How I wish I had taken the time to get you to talk to me. Your whole life, you always were difficult to get things out of you.  Like the time I came home from work and found you in the backyard, throwing our little camping ax into the palm tree trunk.  You were taking out your frustrations because your SSI income had been cut in half, just when you thought things were going well.  It took a while for you to tell my why you were "punishing" our tree. 

When there was a problem or issue that needed to be discussed, it took you a bit to screw up your courage to say it out loud.  You'd walk into the room, and look at me.  I could tell by the look on your face that you had something important to say.  You'd let out two or three sighs, and I learned to wait, to give you the space to be able to say what needed saying.   It was my hope that it would get easier for you as you got older, that you would learn that there was no problem that couldn't be solved, no weight that was too heavy to bear, once you shared the burden.  It was always difficult for you.  I couldn't change that.

When you moved back in with me, I tried to give you space.  I knew how you felt some kind of ... shame? disgrace? .... to move back home.  So I was hoping that you'd feel as if you were a roommate and not my son.  I gave you space, I didn't pry or question things.  I waited for you to tell me in your own good time how things were going. 

Now  ...........   I wish I could change that.

I will always blame myself for that part of it, not recognizing the depth of things within you.

But that blame is not only my own.  I put part of it on the exGF.  When you and she got together, you seemed so happy.  She could drive where you couldn't; you were going out and doing fun things and you deserved that!  But something changed, or she changed.  From my viewpoint, it seemed like she was having ... problems, and you felt the need to fix them.  But they couldn't be fixed.  One thing I've learned (the hard way!) is that you can't fix someone else, and especially so when they don't want to be fixed!!   I saw the changes in you, but you seemed so determined to "stick it out".  There are no prizes for "sticking it out" whether it's good or bad.  *sigh*

There are so many little things I could point out, point to, and wish I could change things, go back in time and help you through some of the rougher spots of life. 

I will always carry these burdens, this blame, the guilt. 
And I can't think of a way to let it go.
Forgive me, son, for not stepping in and helping you more.
I love you. Always.
Mom

Missing Brian

Just the other day, I got an email that someone had left me a message .... I recognized the source and clicked on it to start reading.  My son's ex-girlfriend reached out, telling me how sorry she is, how much she misses him, and that he talked of me all the time (that part is probably true!) 

It's weird how you can get busy with life and while nothing is forgotten, it is set aside, on the back burner so to speak, and you deal with what needs to be done as it crops up. 

But my suspicious nature kicks in and I'm left wondering why she would leave me this message,or why she was reaching out to me now.  The last time I heard from her, she was spewing garbage about the girl my son had dated a couple of times, wanting me to make sure I knew what kind of background the woman had.  First, it's not like my son was going to continue dating her after his suicide.  Second, the GF broke up with Brian, and he moved out of her house and in with me - who he dates after that isn't her concern!!    And in the midst of all my motherly grief her biggest concern is making sure I knew the details of the woman's past?   What difference would that make to me now???

I know that Brian's heart was broken by the GF.  But before the break-up, I suspect there were other things going on.  My son was a "pleaser" - he did whatever he could, whatever needed to be done, in order to make life better for someone if he could.  Whenever I traveled to Cali to see family, I tried to take Brian along, because everyone needs a vacation from their job.  And he didn't have much of that living with the GF.  But the last two trips, we noticed that Brian wasn't his normal self. Not that he would talk about it much, but we could tell.  Everyone has their ups and downs in relationships, so we thought it was just that.   Looking back, it would be too easy to put a spin on things that happened .... but we know that living with the GF changed him.

Only Brian will ever know the real truth about what went on between him and the GF.  I don't even bother asking her because I would never get the truth, just her version of it.  And there is always more than one side to a story!!

I know that forgiveness isn't about the other person as much as it is about ourselves. For now, the anger that bubbles up now and again is blamed on two things:  Brian choosing death by suicide versus finding some help for the overwhelming feelings he had going on; and the GF and whatever head games she put on Brian for the 3+ years they were together.   Although if I'm really honest with myself, I hold a very small portion of the blame against my ex -- he didn't make a lot of effort to act like Brian's dad -- and a smaller portion of the blame belongs to me.  I lived with Brian, if I had been paying more attention, or had changed what I said or didn't say -- I know, I can't relive those moments, and most of the time I don't dwell on what didn't happen.

I can't change anything that happened, or what Brian chose to do. 
What I can do is go on with the task of living in the way that he asked me: 
to be strong, and be happy.

I can't change missing him, but being able to write about him
helps me miss him just a little bit less.

The Wall

Dear Brian:

When someone you love is gone, what do you keep?  Memories, of course.  Photos.  When it's a child, I have three of your writing projects from high school.  Your love of music was a huge part of who you were; you always wore t-shirts from bands:  Metallica and AC/DC.  Giving them away wasn't an option.  So we framed the artwork on them and they look fantastic. 

It took me a lot of time to figure out the layout to hang them on the wall.  It wasn't until I went to Hobby Lobby to get a shadowbox frame for the Space Camp medal that I came across two things that set this wall off:  A Rock n Roll street sign, and two 4x4 frames that suspend from a chain.  I knew that they were "you" and would create a terrific wall. 

There are 5 Metallica T-shirts, 

one from AC/DC (Back in Black), 

and a T-shirt covered with guitars.  

It's a nice arrangement, and definitely "looks" like you.  

As I look back on things, I remember when you first moved back home, you were ... what's the word ... despondent.  You didn't unpack your things, and I felt like I had to get you moving in that direction.  I didn't push too hard because at first you said you were moving back in with her after things got settled.  If only I had ..... well, I could fill fill that in may ways.  But I didn't; I was trying to be a good roommate and let you work things through when I should have listened to a mother's intuition.  Then again, maybe that would have only been a temporary solution, and things would have gone this way no matter what ??   That's something I'll never know, something I'll have to live with "until we meet again". 

Love you always,
Mom

The Backyard

Dear Brian,

It's been difficult for me to go out and enjoy the backyard.  My mind drifts to your final place out there, and I just haven't been able to do anything.  Yesterday, I was able to go out, and once I took a good look around, I realized that this neglected yard needed to be worked on.

So I started.




And once I was started, I was able to continue ... until the heat got the best of me.  But I was able to finish up today. 





I moved the bench back along the wall and put my "reading" chairs in place, ready for the fall and cooler weather.  Another two weeks and .... I'm so ready!



I cleaned out the junk from the planters, tried to rake up what I could of the pine needles that blew over with the monsoon winds.  That Moon Lagoon bush that became more tree-like is chopped down, all that's left is to dig up the root ball.   My plan in the fall is change "cactus corner" into some metal art displays and lighting.  Just something fun, and less to maintain. 


I've gotten rid of more of the plants in planters that just don't look good any longer.  The cactus that doesn't bloom ... out it goes.   Cleaned out the fire pit, and banged the top back into shape.  A palm frond fell on it and caved it in. 

When I gaze out over the yard now, I'm a little more at peace with things.  As much peace as I'll ever find I suppose.  My heart breaks for all the things that you wouldn't or couldn't let me help you through  None of us should go through life tackling things alone. 

"Carry on, my wayward son. There'll be peace when you are done. 
Lay your weary head to rest, don't you cry no more."

I heard this the other day, and it made me tear up.
I hope you've found your peace. 
And I hope Grandpa gave you a little guff when you saw him, just for old times' sake!

Lonesome Thoughts

Dear Brian,

Today we're busy marking things down to clearance prices in the hardware department.  There are a few things that are a great price! and I wish you were still here with me to install the stuff I'd like to buy.

How I miss your humor and your laugh, and your tolerance of me and my silly ideas when I want to try something new in the house.

Sometimes I'm mad at you for choosing death by suicide.  I can't help feeling that we could have helped you work through all your non-feelings and the other bad feelings you had.  Sometimes in life we all go through hard times.  And we survive through it, and become stronger people for it.

Look at me.  I walked away from three different marriages because things didn't work out.  Sure some of it may have been my fault, but there were things within each of those men who didn't meet my own needs.  After a while, it often felt like I was the one trying to pull a wagon up hill by myself.  After a while, a body becomes tired.  I know I did.  But I didn't opt out of life, just out of those relationships.  Because I knew that my family loved and needed me, and I loved and needed them.

No, don't get me wrong, I'm not blaming you.  I know that M did things, manipulated things, and frankly, wasn't very truthful with some things.  And this took a toll on you.  A very deep toll.  But you should know that whatever happened to her, with her, by her, wasn't just on you.  It takes two people to make or break a relationship.  And when she broke it off with you, it had no bearing on you or your worth.  She's the one who messed up and let you go.  Because you were a great person, and you did what needed to be done.  Every time.

In a very small minded way, I hope she feels guilt over what she did to you.
and shame on me for saying it, but it's how I feel.

I'll keep writing you, and I'll continue to post your stories because I want the rest of the world to know the Brian I knew, and because I don't ever want you to be forgotten.

Love always,
Mom.

SOS - A Month Afterward

SOS - Survivors of Suicide
I've been doing a lot of reading and note taking about suicide, or more so, about being a survivor of suicide.    Suicide is such a mess.  It is unbelievable how one person's decision can affect so many lives.   Even as we begin to understand our loved one killed them self in a desperate attempt to end their pain, we often feel that their anguish has not been extinguished but simply passed on to us.

In my own case, my son left a trail of bills to contend with.  He also had just broken up with his girlfriend of 3+ years, causing him to move back home.  A month after, he started dating someone else.  When the ex found out about his dating, it is my belief that she started hounding my son, perhaps making him feel guilty (and he shouldn't have felt any! He's the one who had to vacate the home he'd been living in!)  After Brian died, I was hounded by both of these women!  First they resorted to sending me text messages, then trying to "friend" me on FaceBook.  His ex also had people leaving notes on my car two separate times.  I finally had to send her a text that read "My son DIED!  Please leave me alone to grieve in peace."

The "what ifs" plague survivors of suicide.  A person's decision to end their life is solitary and unconnected to survivors of suicide.  When we accept that it was their choice alone is when we can move past the what if's.  I've done my share of them, wondering if only I'd said "this" or noticed "that".   The loss of a child is devastating.  Suicide is an act of violence - not only against yourself, but against others, the ones left behind to deal with it all.

Sometimes we feel guilty because of what our loved one did;  it shouldn't affect how we think of them or remember them.  That's why I keep writing to Brian, and logging stories as I recall them on a website , to keep him alive in my mind the way he was, and not focusing on his last action.

Suicide leaves in its wake a tremendous sense of confusion and displacement for those of us left behind.  Family members who have lost a loved one to suicide are blamed and avoided more often than relatives of people who have died under other circumstances.  This can reinforce the quiet and self blame that already preoccupies survivors of suicide.  The irrationality of suicide leaves the survivor no room for definitive resolution.

The roller coaster of emotions following a suicide causes intense feelings of isolation and a breaking apart from all that once seemed familiar.  Survivors of suicide experience a wide range of often contradictory emotions following the suicide of a loved one, it's impact alters our lives forever.

There is no easy way to eradicate the pain of grieving.  The toll that suicide exacts on its survivors is very high.   Oddly, my son's final note said that he knew I was strong, and that he wanted me to be happy.  For those of us who have been left behind, the legacy of suicide lies not in reconciling ourselves to inevitable defeat, but in recognizing that our spirit of survival remains both resilient and intact.

My life was forever changed July 2, 2019, but somehow I will survive. 
I know in my heart that my son didn't want to die forever,
just on that day, when he had been in so much pain.

Survivor's Guilt

When someone you love commits suicide, there are so many questions and so much confusion surrounding the situation.  I've been trying to read up on SOS:  Survivor of Suicide.  Clearly my son had some kind of issues.  He had taken a step to get his life in order, coming to live in my home again.  I think somewhere deep down I knew that he wasn't the same young man who had moved out a little over three years ago.  And while I'm one of those types who can find a solution or work around most problems, I can't do it if I don't know what the problem is. 

I know he had issues with money and was struggling.  I offered up some help and some solutions to getting it under control.  He took my advice, actually sat down and wrote out the bills he needed to pay and how much was owed each month.  We were about to set up some recurring payments so he could get out from under those pesky late fees that add up quickly when you're late making a payment. 

One of the things I learned about the guilt part is that as a parent we question ourselves over and over, "where did I go wrong" , "did I push him too hard" , "If only ..... " .  Sometimes outside influences have more sway over our kids than we do.   Approximately 60% of all people who die by suicide may suffer from a mood disorder, and more than 90% have a diagnosable mental disorder.   When I read that I thought "ok, maybe that's true" but as parents we like to think we understand our kids and have some kind of internal radar that tips us off when there's something "off".  That may be true when your kids are younger and they aren't keeping up with school work or social skills, but once they reach a certain age, it's harder for us to know what's really going on.

My son was 33.   While he wasn't in his right mind (in my opinion) he knew enough to let that influence his own decision making.  And while I have some anger issues that raise it's ugly head from time to time, I know that even if I had it to do over again, I'm not sure my son could have put to words what he was feeling. 

As a survivor of suicide, I have to learn that I don't need to feel guilty over my son's death and the circumstances.  I have a right to retain my individuality and not be judged because of his death.  I have the right to a new beginning.  I have the right to be. 

It won't be easy; I'll backslide from time to time. 
But somehow I must make peace with what happened
while still loving my son and the memory of him. 

And if you're struggling with some kind of suicidal thoughts or emotions, please seek help.