Survivor's Guilt

When someone you love commits suicide, there are so many questions and so much confusion surrounding the situation.  I've been trying to read up on SOS:  Survivor of Suicide.  Clearly my son had some kind of issues.  He had taken a step to get his life in order, coming to live in my home again.  I think somewhere deep down I knew that he wasn't the same young man who had moved out a little over three years ago.  And while I'm one of those types who can find a solution or work around most problems, I can't do it if I don't know what the problem is. 

I know he had issues with money and was struggling.  I offered up some help and some solutions to getting it under control.  He took my advice, actually sat down and wrote out the bills he needed to pay and how much was owed each month.  We were about to set up some recurring payments so he could get out from under those pesky late fees that add up quickly when you're late making a payment. 

One of the things I learned about the guilt part is that as a parent we question ourselves over and over, "where did I go wrong" , "did I push him too hard" , "If only ..... " .  Sometimes outside influences have more sway over our kids than we do.   Approximately 60% of all people who die by suicide may suffer from a mood disorder, and more than 90% have a diagnosable mental disorder.   When I read that I thought "ok, maybe that's true" but as parents we like to think we understand our kids and have some kind of internal radar that tips us off when there's something "off".  That may be true when your kids are younger and they aren't keeping up with school work or social skills, but once they reach a certain age, it's harder for us to know what's really going on.

My son was 33.   While he wasn't in his right mind (in my opinion) he knew enough to let that influence his own decision making.  And while I have some anger issues that raise it's ugly head from time to time, I know that even if I had it to do over again, I'm not sure my son could have put to words what he was feeling. 

As a survivor of suicide, I have to learn that I don't need to feel guilty over my son's death and the circumstances.  I have a right to retain my individuality and not be judged because of his death.  I have the right to a new beginning.  I have the right to be. 

It won't be easy; I'll backslide from time to time. 
But somehow I must make peace with what happened
while still loving my son and the memory of him. 

And if you're struggling with some kind of suicidal thoughts or emotions, please seek help.