Conversations in My Head

Dear Brian:

I find myself awake in the wee hours of the morning, running through our last conversations.  And I keep wondering "If I had said *this* instead of *that* , would it have made a difference?"

We didn't talk about things that were happening or had happened right after you moved home.  Because I know you so well, I thought giving you time and space to get your thoughts gathered up was the right thing to do.  As I look back, was that the right thing?? 

It's always how it was in the past.   You'd have something on your mind and you'd walk into the room I was in and let out a sigh that seemed to come from deep within your chest.   You'd sigh again, and sometimes a third time.  I just waited until you had the courage to come out with it.   And maybe there was something in the past between us that made it so that you didn't feel you could just blurt out whatever you needed to say.   I realize that I can't change the past, or the dynamics of our relationship. 

The struggle was real;  whatever you were going through this last time, I'll admit, I don't understand.  And I am practical enough to know that I probably never will. 

If we had just one more conversation;
If I had insisted on getting away on a vacation;
If I .....

Those what if's will haunt me for a long time.

I love you son, from the day you were born, until the day I die.
See you in heaven some day!
Love, Mom