With the holiday in between, there were so many things we didn't know. Everyone wanted closure. The mortuary was trying to work with us and the ME's office transporting your body. They were going to advise us to see if we were able to do a viewing. Because of the time delay, your dad drove up on Friday afternoon. He came to the house, jerked his head because he wanted to talk to me in the other room. Yeah, you know the move I'm talking about. hehe. He asked "What the hell happened?" and I told him (again) I don't have any answers for myself, let alone for you. I don't know, I can only guess.
There are many misconceptions about a person who is considered "suicidal", as if they walk around ranting and raving before hand. But that's not reality. And in your case, I could tell there was a difference in your behavior from before you moved in with Michelle to after you moved back home. Three years changes most people, especially young men. I didn't have any more answers for your dad that day, or even now.
We showed him the note you left. He wasn't handling things very well. Maybe there's some guilt because he hadn't seen you in three years. But I told him that was between him and you, and I'm not going to accept any of that guilt. Yes, I lived in town. Yes, I sometimes made up excuses to see you -- asking for help with a household task, or bringing a meal to the family. At least it was a connection, and that was important to me. But I got away from my story....
Later in the afternoon on Friday, the mortuary called and they were pretty adamant about not having a family viewing. I agreed, because I didn't plan on going. And my advice to the rest of them was this: Remember Brian as you last saw him. You don't want to see him this way. They agreed in the end.
The rest of Friday was spent doing little chores, having a meal, and looking things up on the internet, trying to find a place to hold a service. You weren't churched and it seemed like the wrong move to have some kind of ... funeral. We decided on a Celebration of Life ceremony, and because I couldn't locate any other kind of place, opted for the library. And that seemed very fitting. When we first moved to Arizona, we spent every Thursday after work going to the library for books, CDs and Videos to keep us entertained. Then we had Taco Bell for dinner. As I was thinking it all over, we did this for like five years!! HA! We got into such a rut. But it was our day for spending time together. And I miss that. It's funny what you miss after it's gone.
Because I work retail, there were things going on and I had to work Saturday and Sunday. The kids loaded up and drove home on Saturday as well. It was oddly nice to have something relatively normal to do for a change. The day passed as quick as work days do ..... but looking back, I know I wasn't my normal self. I could only keep one thought at a time in my head; an interruption meant starting a work task over again. There were notes I wrote and couldn't read later because they didn't make any sense.
At the end of that weekend, we all survived as best we knew how.
We knew there was more heartache to come as arrangements were made.
Even now, more than three weeks later, my mind still leaves little holes as I go about my day
I hate knowing that you're not coming back,
that you won't be around to help me do those odd little chores.
I hope you're in a happier place now.
We all love you and miss you bunches.Love,
Mom
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