When it comes to surviving a death by suicide, one of the hardest questions to answer is "WHY?" Logically, we will never know the entire scope of things going on, but we may be able to pinpoint whatever was the 'straw that broke the camel's back'.
In my quest for answers, I'm using a Survivor of Suicide guide written by Jeffrey Jackson. In the section dealing with the Why's he tells us that it's normal to always wonder about the why's. And if you think you have the answer, think again. Chances are you're only seeing part of the picture.
In my own case, I believe I know the why answer to the straw that broke the camel's back. My son Brian was in a relationship with a woman who ... didn't always tell the truth. While I can be certain that I didn't know the entire truth of their relationship, I know two things: She told him she was given a terminal illness verdict and has only a few months to live and at the same time, she broke up with him and he moved back home.
Brian was always the one who felt things deeply. And if I admit it in my heart of hearts, I always worried about him and his mental health. He had many obstacles in his path with his vision impairment, and it was a source of many sorrows when it came to friendships as a young boy, as he grew into a young man.
I am stuck in the what if's at this stage of my grief. What if I had recognized something? anything? What if I had a clue? When he called off work because things were ugly with another woman he had dated the week before, when I offered to take off and drive him to the beach, to anywhere -- if he had said "let's go" I wouldn't have hesitated. Would it have made a difference???
I believe what Jeffrey Jackson says is true: that every time life left a little dent in Brian, he carried that pain with him. He may have moved past the incident, but the pain stayed with him. With each new hurt both great and small, a little more pain is added to this tragic cargo until it becomes unbearable.
Trying to figure out the why is part of the process, but in the end, be prepared to face the possibility that many of the answers may be unknowable. There will come a time when ... hopefully ... I can accept that there isn't going to be a satisfactory explanation for it all.
I always tried to be there when my son needed something, and would have continued to do so through anything it took. But he wasn't the kind of guy who asked for help (or directions!! haha) and I have to accept that part as well.
I know that in the deep dark hours of night, the what if's will still haunt me for now. I'm just hoping that by continuing to write, to feel, to allow myself the time I need, they will happen less often, and I can just accept things.
My son made a tragic, regrettable choice to end his life. I will never fully know what was going on with him, or how different aspects of his life contributed to his decision. I'm sad that he felt the need to end his pain this way. But a mother's love for her son lives on.
Rest in peace, Brian.
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