From Shock to Peace

Dear Brian,

It's been nearly two weeks now, and I know that I'm still in some kinds of shock.  It comes and goes.  When I'm at work, I feel as if I am doing OK, because my job keeps my mind occupied.  But I discovered today just how *not with it* I am.  The supplies that I order to keep my BigBoxStore going each week didn't get ordered.  Someone's gonna be complaining about not having any toilet paper -- or paper towels!  hehehehe

I keep asking myself when things will get back to normal; will it be better in a another week?  A month?  Everything I've read seems to point to nothing specific.  You know me, I like being in control, I like knowing the when's and where's of things. This is something there won't be an answer to in any normal time frame.  I understand it will be ups and downs for a long time to come.  Moving from shock to finding peace is going to take some work.

I'm not quite ready yet, but I know that I need to get the details out of my system.  It will be difficult, but necessary.  I know that I can't carry the weight of those details for long.  It'll be better to have them out in the open so I don't blurt them in an angry way at someone.  You dad, for instance.

He had a lot of attitude over the phone, and then again when he came to our house.    I've always been sad that your relationship with him wasn't all it could have been, but I know that's not on me.  There were times when I didn't see you for a long time; so I cooked a meal for the family and brought it to you.  Sometimes that was the only way to make time to touch base with you, to see you.  Sometimes it was only a few minutes, but it was always worth the effort. 

I know that a parent's job is to raise their kids to be happy, healthy adults who create their own lives.  You seemed well on your way to doing that.  Until things fell apart.  How I wish you had confided just a little bit, so that we could have talked about it more.  The one thing I would reassure you over and over is that it takes both people in a relationship to make it work.  One person doesn't cause all the problems; and when problems arise, you both find a way to work them out.  That's where things went wrong in your situation --- there's no way to work something out when both don't actually work at it.

Missing your laugh and hearing you on the other side of the house.  It was always nice knowing there was someone else sharing the same space.   I hope you've finally found your peace.

I love you.
Mom