Dealing ... but just barely

Dealing with any kind of loss isn't easy.  Most of us have the ... thought in the back of our minds that our parents will die before us.  In nature's way, that seems to be the norm.  But dealing with the death of a child is harder than anything I've ever experienced.

I've always been a "strong" person - or that's what most people tell me.  I know that I'm not overly emotional when it comes to a crisis, and can usually see a light at the end of a tunnel in one direction or another.  Sometimes it's not easy to get over the obstacles and hurdles between you and that light, but it's there, and attainable.

But the one thing I attribute the strength I have is that I've always had to be strong for my son.  He had many hurdles and obstacles in his life.  He started life with a handicap, being visually impaired.  In order to see things important to him, he had to get up close.  With inanimate objects, it wasn't such a big deal; but dealing with classmates, it became an issue when he was young.  Schoolwork was difficult, because glasses didn't improve his sight enough to make it worthwhile to wear them. So people, as a rule, didn't even know he had trouble seeing.

I think the one thing he learned in life from me was if something needed to be done, you didn't wait for someone else to make it easy for you, you just adapted your own ways in order to work around the other people, and do it. 

He was a special person who never said NO to anything if you needed help.  He did, however, say NO if i asked him to go to the mall with me!!   "Too people-y" he'd tell me.  I agreed, but sometimes you just had to go to the mall!

As for getting through each day, it's one thing at a time.  Make a list of things that need to be done.  Each day, pick something on the list that you think you're able to accomplish.  For me, it was the simple act of washing and making up Brian's bed yesterday.  I couldn't do much else, but at least one thing was completed!  The rest of the evening after work was spent going through photos.  When making a slide show for his service .... jeez, I'm an amateur photographer, I have thousands of photos to go through!  Thank goodness the past 10+ years have been digital !!!

While I'm still going to blog -- it's my way of journaling -- we created a another website as a way for all of us to input photos and /or stories about Brian, the things we want to remember. 

www.forevermissed.com/brian.court is the website.   

We expect to be posting, but would love for you to add your own thoughts as well!!