While there are chores that need to be done, it's like I don't have any energy to get myself going. Or maybe it's the difference between having all the time in the world versus having a time schedule. I got myself up and out to the bank to make a deposit, then off to the grocery store. But as I walked the aisles, I realized there were things that I would never buy again: his favorite soda, or burritos. Or browsing the men's clearance racks for work shirts. When I think about it too long, I get teary-eyed. I moved through the motions to gather up my groceries and check out. The entire total was only $60. There's not much needed when it's just me now.
I did find a nice binder with a zipper, and bought some sheet protectors to put the last of your school work pages inside. It will close up for safekeeping, allowing us to read his things without damages.
My biggest fear is that people will forget him. I post things on www.forevermissed.com/brian-court so that there will always be a place for people to remember the good things, the funny things, the things he wrote, the things he drew.
As his mother, I feel I was especially close to him. We had a special bond. And while I shouldn't say this, I felt many concerns because the three years he lived with his girlfriend changed him. Or maybe he wasn't changed so much as guarded. I had the gut feeling that he felt he was alone against the world, that the problems between him and her were something he couldn't deal with. I tried to have a couple conversations with him, but he held back.
How I wish I could turn back the clock.
If only .....
I wish .....
But that doesn't change anything.
I've learned that when I feel the sadness,
to just accept it, to let it work its way through me.
Today is one of those days.
The laundry is done, the cooking for the week has begun,
the house has been vacuumed and steam mopped.
A nap would be nice.
Each day marches on without my son, Brian.
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