Today it's that day, the day I turn 60. And it's not anything like I expected it to be! My plan was to be visiting my family in Northern California - to drive there with my son and spend time doing the things we usually do when we visit. Now all of that has changed. I no longer have my son as a traveling companion on these infrequent drives.
It was a rough weekend, getting through one of them where I didn't have family in town, nothing planned and nothing on my plate to get done. Because it's the hottest part of summer here in the Valley of the Sun -- what for us is really like winter, as we tend to hunker down indoors with the AC -- there's not much I can be doing outside. Even working in the garage can be difficult because of the heat. So I try to make a task - just doing one thing is better than doing nothing.
But it's not easy.
I usually make myself some kind of indoor plan -- computer work, scanning photos, family research. But that doesn't hold my attention right now. It's a chore to just focus on one thing. Even watching a TV show can be difficult for me right now.
My heart breaks each time I think about Brian. I am the one that got the last image of him. My mind keeps wondering at how he had the nerve to choose death by suicide. The pain he was feeling must have been huge. I don't know that I can imagine what that felt like. My sadness was huge yesterday, and I haven't slept well now in three days. I suppose that's how it's going to be for a while.
So on this celebration day, I'm going to quietly spend the day doing ordinary things -- work, dinner, play with Sadie. With my wish being that I get some sleep tonight!
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