When Your World is Rocked

I'm going to leave a short post for now, then a longer one later when I feel up to it. 

Yesterday, I came home from work and found my son dead in the back yard, a pistol in his hand.

Talk about the ultimate shock, a real heart stopper!

The chaos that erupts around a suicide is harsh.  I was "questioned" by cop after cop.  They surrounded the front of my house with 8 cars at one time.  They inspected the entire home, and when I tried to use the bathroom, they chased me out.  Not wanting me to be alone, I assume. 

Just when your world is rocked .... you're forced to make a million and one decisions.  When there's been a divorce, you're forced to call your ex.  After telling him, and him asking "Are you sure?" I told him I would call when I was done with the cops.  15 minutes later, he calls back and asks "Are you sure?????" again.   Uh, yeah, why would I lie??

I'm exhausted beyond belief, and afraid to close my eyes because there's only one imprint on my brain for the time being.   I know this will pass with time, but damn.   Food is tasteless, and I eat only to maintain because it has so little meaning.  For now.

I had to call his employer and report it.
I had to call my employer and tell them I wouldn't be in.

There isn't an end to the people who call and want to help -- I can't think of a thing I need help with at the moment -- unless they can take a nap for me! 

The next few days will be more decision making, finding a place to have a memorial.  He wasn't churched, so that doesn't seem fitting.  I was trying to find a local pizza place with a party room, but they're made for 20 people.   I'm sure the right place will turn up, we just need to locate something.

Until later.  Gal.