Dear Brian:
Nearly a week has gone by, and there's an empty place in my heart that was always yours. And it hurts. Sometimes I get busy and the hurt moves off to the side, but only for a little while. Then I remember what happened, and I begin to hurt all over again.
Yesterday, Mike stopped by. He's hurting and in shock. I found it very difficult to hold my tongue and not lash out, telling him I just don't understand what happened, what went on, what event(s) in that household led up to the changes I saw happening to you ??? I get so mad.
Anger is a very bad thing to hold on to, but sometimes it's just *there* and I don't know what to do with it! Well, yeah, you know how I deal when I get angry --- I clean and scrub and organize!! And I'll be doing that again ... soon. I let the anger simmer on the back burner for now, because I'm too tired to do too much these past couple of day.
Sadie misses you, and can't understand what's happening. Well, ok, I admit that's my interpretation, but she still cruises out the bedroom and down the hall to your room every night. I find myself listening for your footsteps, or to hear the TV going.
I can't imagine such a dark place that you were in, and never dare think beyond that, to imagine what you were thinking that day. But no troubles are ever forever, everything could have changed, if only you had let one of us know what was really going on. It makes me sad knowing things got so far out of hand; we've always solved the issues that came up in the past.
For now, it's just one day at a time, one foot in front of the other, until I find my way to some peace.
Forever missed.
Love, Mom
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