A Little Bit Mad

Dear Brian:

I'm a little bit mad at you today.  I had to call to have some plumbing work done.  And it's all stuff you've done in the past.  I miss your not being here to help me take care of this house that I fully intended to be yours.  While it was costly to have them come out, I'm stuck having to have someone who knows something come out and check things over.  For $100 they inspected each and every water faucet and valve in the house.  BTW,  they said your job under the kitchen sink and dishwasher installation was dandy.  But I already knew that!  :)

I know in my own kind of logic that I am not in a place to make major decisions.  I'm having a hard enough time deciding to drive to Grandma's for a vacation.  If the drive is stressful, I'll be stopping halfway.  Which makes for a shorter trip at her house, but better for me.  I guess it's the conundrum of the decision making process as one gets older.  I'm too young to be retired, but too old to do some of the things I've been doing .... *sigh*

I'm starting to think that I need to be in Tucson, closer to Tanya, someone who can help "take care of me" ....  as I get a little bit older.  Which is coming on way too fast!

It's been difficult, this transition, and I'm finding that I need less stuff.  Parting with your things hasn't been easy.  I find myself making decisions on whether or not it's something of yours that brings a smile or a memory to mind.  If it doesn't, then out it's going.  Sounds a bit harsh, and believe me, it's much more difficult for me than I made it sound. 

It all hurts so much. 
you're not here to share the funny little things
you're not here to share the load
you're not here to share your smiles
you'll never walk through that front door again

and i miss it. so very much.
surviving someone's suicide is one of the hardest things ever
i love you
mom

An Angered Heart

Dear Brian:

Nearly a week has gone by, and there's an empty place in my heart that was always yours.  And it hurts.  Sometimes I get busy and the hurt moves off to the side, but only for a little while.  Then I remember what happened, and I begin to hurt all over again.

Yesterday, Mike stopped by. He's hurting and in shock.  I found it very difficult to hold my tongue and not lash out, telling him I just don't understand what happened, what went on, what event(s) in that household led up to the changes I saw happening to you ???   I get so mad. 

Anger is a very bad thing to hold on to, but sometimes it's just *there* and I don't know what to do with it!  Well, yeah, you know how I deal when I get angry --- I clean and scrub and organize!!  And I'll be doing that again ... soon.   I let the anger simmer on the back burner for now, because I'm too tired to do too much these past couple of day.

Sadie misses you, and can't understand what's happening.  Well, ok, I admit that's my interpretation, but she still cruises out the bedroom and down the hall to your room every night.  I find myself listening for your footsteps, or to hear the TV going. 

I can't imagine such a dark place that you were in, and never dare think beyond that, to imagine what you were thinking that day.  But no troubles are ever forever, everything could have changed, if only you had let one of us know what was really going on.  It makes me sad knowing things got so far out of hand; we've always solved the issues that came up in the past. 

For now, it's just one day at a time, one foot in front of the other, until I find my way to some peace.

Forever missed.
Love, Mom