Clues

Dear Brian:

It's been 24 hours without any non-family contact, and it's been quite the relief.

I didn't know your heartache when it came to your ex. (In my head, I call her TB, toxicbitch) ; I hoped you would open up after time, but it just never came to pass.  Now that I'm trying to piece things together, I'm finding the oddest assortment of "clues" :  old letters that seem to be concerning men from her past, and how she's avoiding them by changing bars, and how there's some drug and alcohol abuse going on.   Had you told me about any of this, I would have found a way to advise you; and if it was beyond my means, then finding help in some other way!!  How I wish ..... but I can't turn back the clock.   I always knew in my gut that you were in a toxic situation, an environment that went against your basic principles.  But you told me you loved her, and I hoped that things would be better.

I also found checks returned from your bank that couldn't be deposited.  They look suspicious to me, too, and I can understand why the bank flagged them.  Added to this, I found your trash for a box of magnetic check printing ink that was left the day she came to visit you.  You were in the garage, and here's where my mother's intuition kicks in.  She needed you to help her put this magnetic ink into her printer cartridge so she could print up more fake checks.  In hindsight, I wish I had confronted you straight up. 

I'm sitting here shaking my head.  She has sent me some texts, posted on our family page, and not once has she expressed sorrow for anyone's loss, but hers.  And frankly, what did she lose?  She let you go two months ago.  I'm sorry she feels some grief, but it's not on me to fix that for her. 

I think back, and the meals I fixed for the family, she never acknowledged.  Mike did, thanked me over and over, especially for the stew.  Because I knew that your money situation wasn't good, I tried to inject a little cheer and included the kids, along with her and Mike with some Christmas gifts -- again, never acknowledged by her.  At all. 

Now??  With HER grief, she expects me to speak to her?
To explain? 
To provide answers that I don't have?? 
Sorry. Nu uh.  Not gonna happen. 

A mother's love for her child is greater than any other force on the planet, in my opinion.  And when you told me you and she were broken up, that was the end of it for me, she wouldn't be a part of our lives any longer, or until you told me otherwise.  That means even now that you're gone.

I will be forever sad that we never got past all this, that we couldn't talk openly about what was going on.  It's my deepest regret that I didn't push harder; grown man or not, you will always be my little boy. And I love you more than words .....
Love,
Mom