Great Times!!

A mini vacay, visiting with my daughter and the rest of the crew.  Because of the dream I had where Brian brought me a cheeseburger at the amusement park, I ate my first burger and fries since last August!!  Whoa ..... DELISH!!

Had a good visit with MissT, MrA, MissBree and that gorgeous great granddaughter of mine!!!

And I did something naughty, something I did with MissB at her age, I slipped her a sip of Diet Coke!! lol. (Shame on great grandma!¡!)

Then spent the afternoon reminiscing with MissT and MrA.  So many family memories with my kids, too many to recount here, for now!!  I love you!

Travels

So its Saturday and almost Christmas. I decided last minute to give my daughter the rocking chair I used to rock her in when she was a baby.  (Yes, 42 years ago!) Now she can rock her granddaughter in it! 

But I couldn't get it in my little Cruze. So I opted to rent an SUV for the trip. When I arrived this morning, they didn't have one. The guy offered to upgrade me no charge if I would take the Tacoma. 

Looking at it from across the parking lot and I said Sure! But when we stepped out and walked toward it, I was like whoa.  Mom's never gonna be able to step into it!  It must have had some kind of upgrade to handle huge knobby tires and such.

I loaded it up, drove over to get mom and I was right. She couldn't get in! We had to get a folding chair to take with us to help her get in and out.  lol. It was hilarious!

Glad to have the chore done!  ✔ Another commitment to family to remember.

PS: it was a good ride, smoother than I expected, pretty easy to handle!

Fam & Crabby Old Lady

Sunday dinner at mom's.  Spaghetti with strawberries and whipped cream for dessert.  My nephew in his wisdom squirted whipped cream on the back of Mr Zs hand and had him hit his arm, to see if he could catch the glob.  

While it was amusing, my mother would never have approved.  Except he is her fav grandson.   I'm sure tomorrow I will hear all about how bad this was.

And now its Tuesday morning.  I didn't post yesterday for fear I'm beginning to sound like a crabby old lady.  Things get bogged down, and its easier to point out all the wrongs instead of focusing on positives.

We watched Mr Z yesterday as there was no school.  We took a walk around the block and spied this old Plymouth (1942?). Then we headed to his baseball game.  We get there and he doesn't have his glove.  While his mom and dad aren't together, they should be helping him be organized!  I felt horrible for him, and pissed at his parents.  Its their job to teach him the things he needs to know in life!  Grrrrr.

So much for not being a crabby old lady, but sometimes, its justified!!  (haha)

Its a Drive!

Spent time yesterday with my daughter, granddaughter, and met my great granddaughter!!  I luv me some baby snuggles!!

But it was a drive!  Two hours in the car with mom.  Each way.  And I dreaded listening to the radio, because of the political ads!! So I made a Playlist on my MP3 player, old country from the 60s and 70s that I grew up on.  We spent a lot of time singing along,  which meant not so much talk time.  That was ok with me!  

Johnny Cash, Merle Haggard, Marty Robbins, Tammy Wynette ... and the list goes on.   Good memories!

Tickle tickle, Miss Izzy!

Fam Time Tuesday

Tuesday evening, mom and I watch my nephew's kids while he works.  As always, they're a handful of energy and fun. And sometimes, they can be a little bit much. But that's just being kids.

Last night, they were wound up tight.  We kept them busy turning paper plates into pumpkins.   Err, jack-o-lanterns.  Then a few rounds of corn hole.  By then the Wold Series game was on, and mom was ready to settle in to watch. 

I tried to entertain the kids with a Match game, but they continued to argue and fuss.  It had just grown dark, so we took a walk to check out the Halloween decorations on houses. Wasn't much, but the walk did them good.  I know it was good for me!

I think part of the reason they were so wound up is my nephew, J has a girlfriend.  And she was coming over.  It was interesting to observe the kids with her, but I see potential for problems. She had promised to make cookies with the kids, and then had to put off that promise because its a school night.  Kids are funny, they have their own ways, we'll have to see how this works out.  

In the meantime, no gym today as I need to wash my car and do some household chores.  Plus its a gorgeous 70 degrees and that makes folks want to be outdoors  ... me included!!!

Washington DC

Back in 1997, in a final attempt to rebuild our marriage, my ex and I took a trip to the east coast.  I flew in on the morning of the 4th of July, got my rental car, and located my hotel. The concierge gave me advice about the difficulties of a car and parking in DC, so I drove over to the local Metro parking lot, bought myself a ticket and hopped on a Metro train.  (If you know me, you know how out of character it's for me to travel alone!!)

I was pretty brave to just head downtown without a destination or purpose.  I found my way to The Mall. I walked around the Lincoln Memorial then headed back toward the Washington Monument. I grabbed a lemonade from a street vendor and sat down in the grass to rest.  There were a lot of folks setting up blankets and chairs to watch the fireworks show;  I curled up and found myself waking from a nap right there on the grass! (Thank goodness no one attempted ... anything!)

I didn't get to see the fireworks, I had to head back to the Metro, locate my car and pick my husband up at the airport. 

I've always wished I could spend time in DC, but the hubs was in a hurry to cover a lot of ground along the east coast. I ended up being the driver the entire trip; one of our arguments was about him being able to see all the sights while I was seeing was the lines on every freeway.

That's when I knew this wasn't going to be the trip that helped make our marriage work.

The mind is a funny thing.  I remember that day - alone in DC - as the best. It was the highlight for me! 

How Ironic

With my second husband, we drove to Death Valley.  On vacation.  In the summer.  I think it was 1992 or 1993. Yes, crazy, but thats what he wanted to do.  We were in our Chevy Van, which had no AC.  

We explored a few places, but didn't wander far from the van.  It was 121 degrees.   It was mind boggling to me at the time; living in the Bay Area all my life, it was rare to have temps near 100.

How ironic is it now that I choose to live in the Valley of the Sun where we are currently on a streak of 108 days with temps over 100.  Yes, we track all kinds of odd things here!

Life takes us on funny turns, and we don't know what's in our future. Makes me wonder what will be next on the horizon???

Family Blooper

When my family was visiting, we decided that Nothing Bundt Cakes would be dessert one night.  My daughter placed her order the night before, after I had gone to bed.  Because I was scheduled to work a half day, I left the house at O:dark hundred before the family got up.

On my way home from work, on impulse I dashed in to Nothing Bundt Cakes to pick up a few bundlets.  When I got home, my daughter said "Oh no!  I placed my own order!!"  We laughed, and as they were heading out for an outing, I volunteered to dash over and pick up her order.

When I arrived, I told the sales clerk I had an order to pick up; she asked for the last name.  To me, my daughter had the same last name for over 30 years, so naturally I gave them that name.  Hmm... No order under that name.  When she asked for the phone number, I looked in my phone for her number, and that's when it hit me:  She has a married last name now!!   lol 

Yep, I was embarrassed!!

What mother doesn't know her own daughter's name???? 

Family Time

One thing I'm learning as I age:  It's difficult to transition into things outside my normal routine!

I have family here visiting for five days:  My daughter, her husband, three teenage girls, and their dog, Zoey.   

Teenage girls love to stay up late and sleep til noon. 
I go to bed early and am up before daybreak!

Meal times have become so scattered!  I usually eat meals at 8am, 11am, and 4:30pm.  Which means I've had both breakfast and lunch before the girls are awake!   hahaha  It's amusing, but it's also difficult because I wasn't able to have the same days off.  I had to get up and work both Monday and Tuesday.  That puts us all on an odd schedule.

But besides sleeping and eating patterns, there are other things as well.  Showers have become difficult.  My small house has a 20 gallon hot water heater.  For six people??  That does't cut it!  We've adjusted to spacing them out, but ... last one in gets a cold shower!

Another trouble is having two dogs in the house.  Zoey is a large dog, and can be a bit aggressive -- and very protective if there's food around!  Sadie is a happy go lucky pug most of the time.  But she's very protective of "our safe haven" -- which is on top of my bed.  When Zoey attempted to jump onto the bed, Sadie became a growling beast!  But if there's food and Sadie comes sniffing around, Zoey is snapping her jaws at Sadie!  It made coming home from work on Monday rather interesting.  I couldn't eat my dinner unless I was standing up.  The dogs wouldn't leave me in peace!  We ended up sitting in the backyard --- they could roam around and I just kept on the move as well.

There's nothing like family time to make us all feel closer to each other --- we just all have to learn to respect each others' space and time. 

thank goodness for Tylenol PM.
lol

At Home

Dear Brian,

It's a week past all the holiday hullaballoo and it was a rough one.  Being without you hurt like hell.  I could always count on you stopping by on Christmas Day to break up the ... boredom.  You know how it is in retail, I have to work the day before and the day after .... so one day for travel and festivities is just too much to pack into one day on my own.

In the middle of the night, the flush lever on the toilet broke.  So off to Walmart to buy a part and cross my fingers that I could fix it myself.  I found that the nut wasn't righty tighty ... after about a dozen tries of trying to get it off.  lol   When it comes to these little home repairs I miss you !!!

I had lunch at Brown Bear Diner today with Helen, my friend from work.  She managed fabrics and crafts just like I did for many years, so we're two peas in a pod!!  It was good to catch up and see her again. 

Work is bad. My workload was double what it usually is in a week, and they chewed my out for having 30 minutes of overtime ... not even $20 on my paycheck. *smh*  So, it's back to making sure I take every single break, a full hour for lunch and extra work ?? Nope.  They get what they what.  Or so they think. 

Sis has been having trouble with Miss B -  telling lies and not following the rules.  Personally, I think their issues are two fold:  she's nearly 18 and has had issues with sampling alcohol, so maybe there are other things being sampled.  That can cause real issues when you're also dealing with all the raging hormones stuff they do.  Then there's the lies:  they all need lessons in talking and listening - maybe even more so the listening part.  Miss B got her learner's permit to drive and T never bothered to mention it.   I raised that girl to be independent, but there are limits!

Can't believe it's been 10 years since we first moved into the house... Time flies!!   I took your idea for quarter round boards to paint and put along the backsplash .... I painted them bright red and installed them today.  Looks pretty good!!

Anyways, son, there aren't enough words to tell you how much you're missed
with love,
Mom

Coping

Many people are affected when someone chooses death by suicide.  Family members are left with what feels like a million unanswerable questions.  There will never be answers that leave us feeling like we understand.  For my own self, I have these same unanswered questions.  But I'm also the one who found my son.  As if that wasn't shock enough, I'm also the one the suicide note was addressed to.  And no one -- not one single person -- has the right to tell me what I should feel, or what I can talk about.  You don't have to listen.  You don't have to read this.  This is for *me* and my own coping.

If you're reading this and feeling as if a finger is being pointed, then maybe you should look into some mental health help of your own.  Suicide is the 10th leading cause of death in the US for all ages. (CDC). Every day, approximately 123 Americans die by suicide. (CDC)

Sorry, but I'm just a bit mad right now.  Someone decided that I shouldn't be writing about suicide, or maybe they meant I shouldn't be writing about the one that happened in my life.  "So sorry for your loss ..." is a trite statement.  I get it -- it's not easy finding words when something tragic has happened, but don't tell me what I should and shouldn't write.  You may disagree with my opinion, you may correct me if I'm inaccurate in quoting facts.  You may even submit your own opinion.  But this is my blog, this is my outlet, and this is my life.  I'm sorry someone feels that some descriptives were too much to handle.   Too bad.

My son was my number one priority in every decision; because of his vision impairment, he had many more challenges than others.  If he needed something, I was there with a helping hand -- or whatever else was needed.  This house was chosen because of it's size and location with him in mind, along with so many other decisions, in order for him to have a successful, independent life.

We all need a way to cope when there's a loss, when there's grief.
I have always been a writer; I've been doing this blog for 10+ years.
It has been a tremendous help in so many ways,
and will continue to be my outlet.

If you're offended .... lose my bookmark please!

Thoughts and Prayers

There have been so many well wishers during this struggling time for me.  Ok, so it's more than struggling.  In many ways, it's devastating!  And they're much appreciated.  Mostly.   Well, let me explain.  It's easy to get busy with the task of living, which makes the struggle slide into the background if only for a few minutes or even an hour.  When there are kind words from someone, it brings it all back with a vengeance, and it's almost as if the hurt is very fresh all over again.  I'd liken it to ripping a band-aid off and the sting is fresh.  Ouch!

Out of the blue, I had a note from Josh G.  When we lived in Ohio, our household of six kids was "the place to hang" for the rest of the neighborhood.  Josh was one of those kids who ran with the rest of my brood.  He was younger than most of them, and often quiet, but I remember him fondly.  His mother and I had an arrangement, if you'd spank your own kid for misbehaving, you can do the same to mine.  And I reciprocated!  If she felt one of mine needed to be disciplined, have at it!  And all the kids knew it.  Good times. !

Another out of the blue was from my ex in Ohio.  His son passed away 10 years ago, wow it's been 10 years! Where does the time fly.  But you never really get over losing a child, and he knows that first hand and offered comfort. 

It's amazing how just when you think things are bad, that you're "all alone", someone reaches out and you know that you're not.

For anyone feeling "all alone" right now, my thoughts and prayers go out to you!

Clues

Dear Brian:

It's been 24 hours without any non-family contact, and it's been quite the relief.

I didn't know your heartache when it came to your ex. (In my head, I call her TB, toxicbitch) ; I hoped you would open up after time, but it just never came to pass.  Now that I'm trying to piece things together, I'm finding the oddest assortment of "clues" :  old letters that seem to be concerning men from her past, and how she's avoiding them by changing bars, and how there's some drug and alcohol abuse going on.   Had you told me about any of this, I would have found a way to advise you; and if it was beyond my means, then finding help in some other way!!  How I wish ..... but I can't turn back the clock.   I always knew in my gut that you were in a toxic situation, an environment that went against your basic principles.  But you told me you loved her, and I hoped that things would be better.

I also found checks returned from your bank that couldn't be deposited.  They look suspicious to me, too, and I can understand why the bank flagged them.  Added to this, I found your trash for a box of magnetic check printing ink that was left the day she came to visit you.  You were in the garage, and here's where my mother's intuition kicks in.  She needed you to help her put this magnetic ink into her printer cartridge so she could print up more fake checks.  In hindsight, I wish I had confronted you straight up. 

I'm sitting here shaking my head.  She has sent me some texts, posted on our family page, and not once has she expressed sorrow for anyone's loss, but hers.  And frankly, what did she lose?  She let you go two months ago.  I'm sorry she feels some grief, but it's not on me to fix that for her. 

I think back, and the meals I fixed for the family, she never acknowledged.  Mike did, thanked me over and over, especially for the stew.  Because I knew that your money situation wasn't good, I tried to inject a little cheer and included the kids, along with her and Mike with some Christmas gifts -- again, never acknowledged by her.  At all. 

Now??  With HER grief, she expects me to speak to her?
To explain? 
To provide answers that I don't have?? 
Sorry. Nu uh.  Not gonna happen. 

A mother's love for her child is greater than any other force on the planet, in my opinion.  And when you told me you and she were broken up, that was the end of it for me, she wouldn't be a part of our lives any longer, or until you told me otherwise.  That means even now that you're gone.

I will be forever sad that we never got past all this, that we couldn't talk openly about what was going on.  It's my deepest regret that I didn't push harder; grown man or not, you will always be my little boy. And I love you more than words .....
Love,
Mom

Monsoon Summers

Dear Brian:

It's 6pm and I'm sitting here listening to the wind pick up in a big way.  Monsoons may be finally moving in to the Valley of the Sun! 

How we watched every storm that rolled through each summer.  Sometimes sitting out back, waiting for each flash of lightning.  Sometimes watching out the window as a downpour washed over our neighborhood.  Sometimes embracing the wind and sprinkles as we dashed around, making sure the lawn furniture was tucked up so it wouldn't blow away.

Last year during one storm, someone's big umbrella flew into our yard!!



The big dust storms were amazing to watch.

Remember when we first moved in?  We had nothing but dirt in the backyard, and it soon turned to mud as it rained. Sometimes into huge puddles.  Sadie was a hoot running the backyard "racetrack" through the water and mud.   But she's a little bit prissy now that she's older and refuses to walk into a puddle, let alone race through them!






This was our lonely backyard before we started sprucing things up. The little brick retainers so there could be a little bit of stuff growing.

How I will miss sitting in our chairs, hearing the rain patter, or the wind blow, without you in the chair next to mine.  Sharing our days, laughing over a little joke, or our thoughts for improving this little house we call home.

Missing you every moment, son.
Love,
Mom

A Time for Action

When do you know that someone's crossed the line, that it's time to take action??

My son died 9 days ago.  It was unexpected; it was his ... choice.   I have no answers, no real reason for what happened.  I'm left with the aftermath of planning a funeral, picking out an urn, cleaning up the details of his life. 

I am the one who found him.
I am the one interrogated by police doing their jobs to figure out what happened.
I am the one who had to call in to his job and tell them what happened.
I am the one who had to make those calls to family and let them know.
I am the one Brian waved goodbye to that morning before I left for work.
I am the one who searched high and low for a note, a clue, a word.
I am the one who didn't sleep for 2 days and nights because I couldn't get his image out of my head.
I am the one who had to call a funeral home to make arrangements for him to be cremated.
I am the one who had to select the urn, sign the death certificate.
I am the one who will go through the rest of my life without my son.

The weekend before he died, we had a few conversations.  He told me he broke up with his GF of four years right before he moved back home.  He had been dating someone else from work for the past two weeks, but they broke up that weekend as well.  As far as I was concerned, that was the end of things between me and these women.  My son is where my alliance is.

This week, two separate incidences, notes were taped to my car.  I get phone calls in the late hours of night.  I get text messages that are long and involved ... and mostly self centered drama from both of them.   In trying for the high road, I declined to acknowledge or answer them.  But I couldn't resist and texted back:  My son DIED.  Please leave me to grieve and mourn in peace.

But it doesn't stop there.  More texts.  Then more written on my son's memorial page ... non of it being a remembrance of Brian.  I closed that page. 

This feels like cyber bullying -- with threats about hiring lawyers added in.
There is no money, unless you count what's been spent outgoing by me and my family in order to have a decent remembrance.   And she's sullying that memory.
It may be time for action.

Listen Close and BBQ's (2008)

Listen Closely - Feb 29, 2008

Today, unpacking boxes, I found an old little tin that [way back in Ohio days] used to sit near the dining room table.   Inside, I started looking through all the scraps of paper that had accumulated.  And it made me smile, remembering how it was when we were transitioning into a new step family, blending two sets of kids.  We would eat dinner around a huge table (a 4'x8' plywood slab!).  And we needed to come up with an idea to get the kids talking, thinking, and not grousing at each other all the time.  So we made up 3x5 cards with questions or sayings:

• "The nicest thing someone did for me this week was _____.  The nicest thing I did for someone else was _____." 
• "Name two things that make you feel happy."
• "Name something you do well."
• "If I had a million dollars... "
• "What are two things you're thankful for?"
• "If you see someone without a smile, give him one of yours."
• "A task worth doing and friends worth having make life worth living."
• "Good habits are just as hard to break as bad ones."
• "Every job has its problems.  A key consideration in choosing a career is determining what type of problems you enjoy solving."

I'm sitting here, wondering if my kids will read this, and remember the good times, the good discussions.  One of the things I truly enjoyed was the conversations that came out of a simple "starter" quote. 

If you take the time to listen to kids, you'll hear some pretty amazing things!
And it made me realize that ... its not just kids we need to listen to. 
Its adults and those around us, as well. 
So, listen hard next time, and see what comes from your next conversation!

BBQ Time! - Mar 1, 2008

Current mood:hungry

Cooking meat over a fire is surely one of mankind's earliest cooking feats. 

Tonight, as I was taking out some trash, neighbors were having a BBQ --- and with the sun down, the temps just a bit cooler, the breeze so slight, -- the aroma was heavenly! It made my mouth water as I imagined biting into a juicy burger, dripping with BBQ sauce...  So I had to look it up, see if there was any good info on Google about BBQ. 

"The mystery begins with the name. Theories abound, but certainty is a lost cause. Some think it may come from the French in Louisiana: "barbe a queue" translated as "from whiskers to tail," which is a neat description of a whole roasted beast. (And seconded by the Oxford English Dictionary, which credits the origin of the word to French-speaking Haiti). Others feel that the Spanish "barbacoa" is more likely. Yet others look to early advertisements for bar, beer, and pool establishments --bar-beer-cue. Some name a Texas ranch, with the brand --BQ on their cattle, legendary for their hospitality. Who knows?"

"Although cooking meat over an open fire in the outdoors was known to all cultures at one time, the niceties of digging a pit, to allow for concentrated heat and smokiness to develop was forgotten in Europe by the time the first colonists to Jamestown arrived. Following the lead of the local Indians, pit barbecue was quickly rediscovered, and has remained popular. "

If you look up any of the websites of the "History of BBQ" , no matter which version fits your own idea of BBQ, remember.... Barbecue is more than a meal. It is an event. People gather for good barbecue, whether invited or not. Barbecue is an event that gathers people around a fire to watch, smell and eat. Like the fires of prehistory, this is the place to eat, drink, and tell stories.  

Enjoy!!

Details of the Journey (2008)

The Long Journey - Feb 23, 2008

Now that I'm finally here, the trip seems anti climatic.   It was a long drive.  Took longer to load than I expected, so we got a late start on Saturday, and made it just past Indianapolis. It was a learning experience pulling a trailer, driving a truck that needed 11 feet of top clearance.  Gas stations were tricky!!  thank goodness for truck stops that are RV friendly ! hahaha   The other thing required was pulling in to all the weigh stations along the way.  We only had to pull into three, out of the seven we passed!

Sunday was a very long day, tough drive because of the wind and rain and roads.  We only made 400 miles in about 10 hours of driving - way below my expectations - through St Louis and stopped 50 miles shy of the OK border.  Pulled into a Super8 -- and discovered that the driveway did NOT go around the building.  Which meant I had to attempt to back up the truck and trailer.  It was dark,  and cold, and it'd been a lonnnng day, so we just left it where it was, and decided that in the morning we'd deal with it.  Ended up pulling the car off the dolly, disconnecting it from the truck, turning the whole she-bang around and getting it all back in place, pointed in the right direction.   Thankfully, without hassles!  There had been frost on the ground, the vehicles, but we had parked in such a way that the sun was melting it as it first came up.

After watching the weather channel's forecast for the drive across OK, I knew that I had to make it all the way, because a mix of rain/sleet/snow was expected the next day.  And Ohio had enough of that for me!  hahaha  There was snow on the desert up this high, but nothing on the roads, thank goodness.  Another 11 hour driving day, but we made it across and into Texas.  The goal was Amarillo, but the city is laid out funny along that stretch of freeway and I didn't dare get off.  So we drove another hour, and found an out of the way motel, and finally rested.

The next stop was going to be Las Cruces New Mexico.  That's a college town. and the freeway literally dumps you into the middle of town, and the hotels are mostly settled into downtown, near the college.  The ones on the outskirts of town looked like they rented "by the hour" --- uh, no thanks. *grin*  so... onward some more, another hour to the next town.  Another small one on the outskirts, thankfully, that I could pull around in.  And a truck stop quite local, too.  Because we're so far south, we had a Border Patrol inspection.  Pulled up, the man waved us through.  YAY --- guess we looked rather innocent and road weary??   Although, the last weigh station and inspection combination we pulled into near Tucson stopped us, asked us what was in the truck (household goods!) and he asked "Where ya moving from?"  then said "Welcome to Arizona".  That was pretty nice; he sure didn't have to.

We arrived at my Aunt's about 2pm.  My Dad had given detailed instructions to get there; called back and given more directions;  I'm not sure he realized just how big and wide I was with the truck and trailer.  We drove through construction areas; and me, I just took up my lane down the center of two lanes through a couple of parts --- didn't want to be knocking over the cones and barrels!   But we arrived, safe and sound, no mishaps.  It was great to see Mom and Dad, that's for sure.

My Aunt's grandsons are the greatest, they came over after working all day, and unloaded the truck, from 530 to 8pm. got it all indoors.  Hard to believe I had that much stuff!!  but,,, I did, I do, now its time to let go of some of it!    My Dad built me this bed frame thing that stores lots of stuff UNDER the bed; made it queen size, so I have a real sized bed now, and not just a twin day bed. :)  That's gonna be nice... (wanna come sleep over? *giggggles*  oh wait, my granddaughter is sleeping in it with me this weekend... )

Well, that about sums up the trip, it was good, non-eventful, and its great to be on the west coast, closer to my folks, and to family.  Lots to be thankful for, and look forward to.  Thanks to everyone for the good thoughts, prayers ... I may be in a different location, but I'm still here! 


New Place, New Thoughts - Feb 24, 2008

Current mood:optimistic
It's 6:30 Sunday morning.  And while I'm technically still on "vacation", I'm wide awake.  I visited my new store last evening (and got some household essentials and groceries while I was there) - and I'm excited about getting started.

For my gals in Ohio:  Yes, it looks like 5374, same floors, etc.  Although, set up wise, its more like Englewood, flipped.  Things are in odd places.  But the store is HUGE and the folks I encountered were friendly. Yay!  Furniture --- gosh, you can tell its a very busy place, and I'm guessing it's not been "worked" since the new mod stuff arrived.  lol.  I'll have my work cut out for me - but I love a challenge :)  And in case you're wondering - YES, I had to have some BBQ boneless for supper. LOL  And the prices of food items that I regularly purchase... they're the same here as they are there.  So that was a relief.  Gas was $2.79 , but I've seen it as high as $2.95.

It's a short drive to work, 20 mins max.  I turn left from my driveway, go about 2 miles, turn left again, and go about 6 and its there on my left.  The speed limits all the way there are 45, so the commute will go fast, unless there are many ppl going my same way.  There might be, as there's a freeway just past Wal-Mart.  There's LOTS of little shops out front, several small eating places, nail places, SuperCuts, Anna's Linens, can't remember the rest.  And it's a very busy place.

Yesterday's weather was gorgeous - about 70 most of the day.  When the sun drops, the temp drops quickly.  But it stayed warm enough to have my windows cracked open all night.   My bedroom is on the east side, so I get great morning sun.  My patio stays out of the sun most of the day, cool in the shade.  The first place I got things set up in was out on the patio.  I can take my morning can of Diet Coke, and curl up into a blanket, slide open my bedroom's patio door, slip out into the morning air, and cuddle into a chair and watch the world wake up.  My view is of the complex's courtyard, a grassy area, with some trees and bushes.  Just to the right is one of the three swimming pools.  The one here near me is the one with the hot tub in it .... *grin*

The folks here are real nice.  First day here, the man across the hall offered to help unload things.  He's got a real cute little miniature hmm.. Dachshund  I think.  Funny how even though I'm sure he's old enough to be considered a "man" - he's young.  (yes girls, too young for me!! [hmmm..... *ponders* ..... Yep, he is] he he he )

This next week will be filled with looking things up, and venturing out and finding them - - the motor vehicles place, the library.   Yesterday I wandered the complex, trying to locate the mail boxes! and yes, I found it, and my mail.  Woo Hoo! 

I unpacked several more boxes yesterday, it's the little things now, hanging up clothes I haven't even seen since last summer! and the little knick knacks I've had packed away for that long, as well.  But it was slow going.  Brianna loves to "help"; as we touch everything, put it where it ought to go, we try to go on to the next thing.  But she loves to touch, play, and move things.  Half our day seems to be spent looking for the tools we set down just a few minutes ago. *chuckles*   OK, so I'm complaining a bit , but I wouldn't have it any other way.  She will only be five once ..... and yes, I love it. 

Although, it's interesting - I have always had so much patience with kids.  Guess my own two, with their complications--- no, challenges!  And I had plenty with my step kids as well.  But I'm used to being on my own.  I wonder if patience is something we lose along the way when we don't have the need to practice it ???  And, more important, will it come back???   I'm sure it will, with time and practice, and a house that's more organized than mine is right now!

OK, enough rambling.  Am going to attempt to get some pix loaded from the camera to the computer. 

Genealogy Huntress

I consider myself a genealogist, amateur, but I'm pretty good at being patient when hunting and searching the internet for anything and everything I might get my hands on for my family history.  

But what happens after that?

I'm still trying to come up with something that will work for all of my data, my documentation, and mostly for the stories that I do have, few that they are.  

I don't want them getting lost in a shuffle of papers after I'm gone.  So I guess going digital is the best way to handle it.  I have been putting my stories into one little blog blurb after another.  My sister was getting an email every time I posted, and she told me I needed to put these on Facebook.  Well, I spent all last summer posting a photo every day, putting what little I knew about each photo, or persons, in some kind of story.  But the family?  eh.  They looked but barely acknowledged the efforts.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not doing this for some kind of kudos or a thumbs up "like" from folks.  I just think it's information that needs to be recorded, to be shared.  Because I honestly believe that it's hard to know where you're going if you don't know where you come from.  

Or maybe I'm just some kind of "not your ordinary" person who thinks all of this is important.  Does it matter where the family came from?  Or who did what and when?  Maybe not.  But I'm very interested in trying to locate our history.  Maybe it became ... ok, I'll admit it ... an obsession when none of my grandparents were willing to discuss anything of the past.  At all.  Grandma Myrtle would always tell me "just let sleeping dogs lie".  Grandpa Pape, he never even got the name of this father's sister correct.  We always thought it was Anna.  Turns out it was Emma!   Or that they traveled here with their Uncle when then emigrated.  What's the big deal? And Great Grandpa's wife, no one truly knew her maiden name, and there wasn't any discussion as to why she was committed into Fergus Falls State Hospital -- back then it was because you weren't .... stable enough to live a complete life?

All these little oddities that come up -- I have always looked for answers.  Haven't gotten many, and some of the research has been difficult, because in many cases, farming families were too poor to even have a burial or a headstone, so that data just disappears as well.  

It always makes me wonder if somewhere down the line, some great grandchild of mine will inherit my genealogy bug.

I hope so.

Family Stories

It's funny how when something .... out of the ordinary is going on, it affects many different things.  Lately, I've been dredging up old memories and trying to tell the story of what happened with my daughter and "the sperm donor" of my granddaughter.   His name was Tony, and he was a piece of work -- one of those fast talking, thinks he's so smooth kind of guys.  Always a story about the next big $core coming his way. 

All of this was 17 years ago.  There's a part of me who wants to agree with how my grandmother handled personal history:  what's in the past should stay in the past! is what she would tell me.  But with my interest in all the parts of genealogy, I get that it's important to know things.  Personally, being able to track the daughter, mother, grandmother, great grandmother ...... well, the line itself is good to know, I've always been after the part where there's "more to the story".

I have many old black and white photos of my grandmother and her family. But nothing tells about why the photo was taken, or if it was for an occasion.  Sisters all dressed in black and looking sad -- was it for a funeral?  Who's funeral?  I'm a big believer in making sure I write about each photo I take because someone may want to know!  Or maybe I'm one of the rare odd ones???  We'll never know.


All that said, it's for these reasons that I've agreed to share my part of the story with my granddaughter.  And with whomever ends up reading this blog in the future.

Dear B:   I understand your having questions about your father, and the need to know a little something about him.  I'll tell you that I got the OK from your mom first of all to answer what I can about him.  I won't call him your "dad", because he never was a dad.  A dad is someone who loves you, takes care of you.  You know all about a dad, because you have A now, and that's a real dad. 

In truth, I have no idea where Tony is now.  And as much as I can understand your wanting to know, I'm not sure you'll be happy with very much of what I have to say about him.  I don't want to skim the surface with a name and a few facts.  I think the story leading up to when you were born is important for you to know.  I'm just not sure you're ready or wanting to hear the things that need to be said. 

While we are all created by the two people who made us, the person we really are happens because of the people around us, who love us, help us to grow and learn, help us to be who we're meant to be.  And in truth, he wasn't a part of any of that, in any way. 

His name is Tony.  I don't know where your mom met him, but Hamilton, Ohio is a small town.

To start the story, I'm going to tell you about your mom:

When your mom turned 18, she was very happy with her newfound freedom.  She was working part time at Meijer's (a store similar to Walmart).  She had graduated from high school, and it was time to find her way into adulthood.  But as with every teenager, sometimes you make bad decisions.

One night, she decided to go out "cruising" with her friend in her TBird.  This is definitely a road car, not a car made for driving dirt or gravel roads out in the country.  Because I'm the Mom, I am not certain if there was some alcohol consumed that affected her decision making.  But she decided to drive her car on the mountain of dirt behind the local Walmart store.  The car got stuck in some very deep potholes; the road up and down again was muddy because of the rain.  It took a tow truck to get her car out of there.

This was just an example of how a "good time" can easily turn into a bad situation because what feels right to us in our teen years isn't always what's best for us in the long run.  (And yes, she was grounded from driving; we removed the wheels from the car and locked them up!!)

It was shortly after this that she met Tony.  Being as headstrong as she was, she was sure he was "all that" and then some!  Being a parent means letting your kids have a little freedom while still trying to guide them to be the best person they could be.  That was my job.  And when I was introduced to Tony, I didn't see him as "all that" like your mom did, but I tried to be patient, and see what happens.  I tried to see the good things that your mom saw.  But I didn't like that he was a smooth talker, trying to talk fast and impress people with things that we found out weren't true in the end.  I didn't trust him much, but trusted your mom.  I think she saw him through "love goggles" and couldn't see the bigger picture.

Your mom was busy working, but Tony didn't have a job.  And to me that didn't sit right.  (Personally, I think a relationship needs to have balance between the two persons in a relationship.)  And it didn't seem like that was the case.  Thanksgiving came along and Tony had dinner with our family.   I have a picture from this day, but I'll have to dig it up on my next day off.

As for the off road experience your mom had, I got side tracked and forgot why I included that little tidbit in my little story.  First, can you see your mom deciding to take her little blue car out on rough terrain roads?   Lol, no, I can't either.  That's because as we get older and mature, we make better decisions than what we make when we're just 18, because we can see the bigger picture.   Sometimes our actions affect other people around us, and our little teenage brains don't comprehend that until later in life.  My point about that is when you have your first "real love" it can feel like such a great thing when in fact, the "love goggles" part makes us kind of blind to the real truth about things, about the circumstance and sometimes about the other person and how they really are. 

I'm sure you've come across friends at school who seem like they're fun to hang with, but when you watch them close, you can see that they're sometimes mean in their comments about another person, or that they tell little lies or spread rumors.  "Love goggles" make you blind to those kinds of things.

To answer your question, I know that Tony was in prison because he committed crime(s).  What his term in prison was for at this time, I would only be venturing a guess based on events that happened. 

I'm sure you'll let me know when you're ready for more of the story.

Love, 

Grandma

Just gotta Rant

For me, sometimes just writing it all down gets it out of my system.  We've become a society of "entitlement" - I notice it at work.  We hire people and when they don't do the job or task the way its supposed to be done, lately everyone just shrugs it off or ignores it as if they're just happy to have a body who shows up to partially do the job they were hired to do.   Take the phrase "clean up after yourself".  Moms have been cleaning up after kids their whole life.  A mom who doesn't take the time to teach their kid to clean up after themselves become what we now have at work:  entitled employees.  What's going to become of the world in general when the "moms" are gone and all that's left are the entitled ones?  Who's going to do the cleaning up??   

Is it a sign that I've become "old" when it bothers me to see the decline of the next generation?  I think it is!

Which brings me to the real reason I had a lousy day.  I had a voice message from my sister telling me that she's trying to coordinate a dinner at my brother's house because "mom's just exhausted from all the cleaning and entertaining."  Ummm.  Excuuuuse me but mom's 79 years old.  She shouldn't have to be raising her grandsons -- cooking and cleaning up after them.  She lets them live pretty much rent free in her house.  They have a live-in cook and maid.   And whenever sis wants to jet off with her friends, mom's stuck with her dog.  Who, by the way, gets so upset at being left behind that she throws up all over mom's bed every night she's left there.  Which leaves mom to wash all the bedding.   I was so freaking pissed off at this all day long.  Sure, my sister helps in her way --- by throwing money at a situation. Well, sorry, but that's not going to work for your youngest son who's been discarded from living at his mother's and his father's homes.  He has a part time job, and no one to help teach him how to be a self sufficient adult; no one to walk him through what to do when you get a ticket, when your bank account has a problem, when your car breaks down and you don't have the money for repairs.   Who's going to teach him?   

I'm trying to be ... understanding with my sister's own situation.  She has cancer, stage iv, pancreatic.  It seems to me she's trying to do everything that's ever been on her bucket list.  She takes off for weekends, for drives, for outings with girlfriends.  And I'm not begrudging her those things. But I just don't feel as if she should abandon everything else for that.  She has three sons, and they need her, she needs to spend time with them and make sure they know things; are able to go on, before she's gone.

Don't call me and leave me cryptic messages that insinuate that me and my kids coming for a visit is a hardship on Mom.  I've spent nearly every vacation hour I earn going up and helping Mom do what needs doing.  I don't resent any of it, but sheesh, ya'll live right there! and visit her house every day.  You can't lift a finger, say hey, is there anything I need to do for you?   In defense of the siblings, if something needs doing, Mom should just ask.  But she doesn't, never has, errr... never had to.  Dad was always there to take care of things.  But Dad's gone.  They need to step in and take care of her.  They have NO IDEA what they'll lose when she's gone.  

I sit here shaking my head, and shaking on the inside as well, truly upset over all of this.  Yes, the family that lives away from me has their own dynamics.  If that's the case, if that's how it's going to be, then so be it. But don't bother calling me to leave passive aggressive messages on my voice mail.  Just because Sis is some kind of boss in her job, she ain't the boss of me.

I know that once my mom is gone - and let's face it, at 79 years, it's hard to say how many more are left.  Her sister is 81, and just discovered she has cancer. She's refusing treatment, which I expected, we've talked about it at length.  In fact, losing my Aunt will be devastating for me. We're .... two of a kind, SO not like my mother or sister,  and have pretty much the same outlook on how things ought to be.  

I'd like to say I feel better getting this off my chest, but so far, not so much.  It was very difficult to talk to my Mom on the phone today.  I didn't want to tell her what my sister said.  What made it hard is Mom always taught me:  if you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything. 

Which leaves me asking a question for the masses:   My brother loves to have people over, to BBQ for everyone.  And it's real nice when he does, he's an awesome cook.  However, his idea of dinner time is to start cooking at 6pm, and eating at 8pm.  I know, everyone's different.  And having a BBQ for friends and such is different than a BBQ for family, with your Mom.  If you know that eating so late isn't good for your Mom, that she doesn't sleep after eating so late, wouldn't you adjust your dinner time so that it's earlier to suit her?   So the question is:  Should Mom always have to work around the rest of the family's schedule?  Or should they make her a priority and work their schedule around her once in a while?