Coping

Many people are affected when someone chooses death by suicide.  Family members are left with what feels like a million unanswerable questions.  There will never be answers that leave us feeling like we understand.  For my own self, I have these same unanswered questions.  But I'm also the one who found my son.  As if that wasn't shock enough, I'm also the one the suicide note was addressed to.  And no one -- not one single person -- has the right to tell me what I should feel, or what I can talk about.  You don't have to listen.  You don't have to read this.  This is for *me* and my own coping.

If you're reading this and feeling as if a finger is being pointed, then maybe you should look into some mental health help of your own.  Suicide is the 10th leading cause of death in the US for all ages. (CDC). Every day, approximately 123 Americans die by suicide. (CDC)

Sorry, but I'm just a bit mad right now.  Someone decided that I shouldn't be writing about suicide, or maybe they meant I shouldn't be writing about the one that happened in my life.  "So sorry for your loss ..." is a trite statement.  I get it -- it's not easy finding words when something tragic has happened, but don't tell me what I should and shouldn't write.  You may disagree with my opinion, you may correct me if I'm inaccurate in quoting facts.  You may even submit your own opinion.  But this is my blog, this is my outlet, and this is my life.  I'm sorry someone feels that some descriptives were too much to handle.   Too bad.

My son was my number one priority in every decision; because of his vision impairment, he had many more challenges than others.  If he needed something, I was there with a helping hand -- or whatever else was needed.  This house was chosen because of it's size and location with him in mind, along with so many other decisions, in order for him to have a successful, independent life.

We all need a way to cope when there's a loss, when there's grief.
I have always been a writer; I've been doing this blog for 10+ years.
It has been a tremendous help in so many ways,
and will continue to be my outlet.

If you're offended .... lose my bookmark please!

Getting Over This

Today's contemplation is about "getting over this".  We all ask ourselves how long it will take to get over this, and the truth is we will never get over it.  But we WILL get through it, putting our loss in its proper perspective and accepting our life as it is now, forever changed.  Time heals, but time alone cannot heal the suicide survivor.  Use this time to heal yourself and lean on the help and support of others. 

Sometimes it takes years to truly restore your emotional well-being, but one thing is true:  it will get easier.

There will be days when you think you're past the hardest parts, and suddenly your sadness returns, sometimes even years later.  It's normal, but generally, coping with the loss will get easier over time.

I know there will be days when a certain song plays on the radio, the smell of fresh cut lumber, or even just a photo appears out of the blue and all the pain and sorrow comes rushing back.  It's important to remember to focus on positive thoughts when these things happen.

I'm sure there will be people who's path crosses mine who will make an insensitive remark, because suicide is generally misunderstood. People will feel inept at offering comfort.  Its human nature, and it would be wonderful if people rose above it.  If someone begins to question you with morbid curiosity, or conveys their own self-important theories, simply sidestep them by saying "I'd rather not talk about it right now". 

That's always my own personal concern when it comes to this, and the reason that I have kept things quiet at work.  My BigBox store is full of gossipy people and I don't think I could endure the ones who would try to discuss this situation because of their own reasons, rather than offering comfort.

Each of us will travel through this life event at our own pace. 
Some days will be harder than others for us.
But we WILL get through it.

It's Not a Surprise Party

Dear Brian:

I sat at my computer today, selecting photos and music to create a DVD that represents you, and your life.  It wasn't easy, but it sure was fun.  Looking at all the photos I have -- thousands!! -- and remembering all our adventures, home projects, just having fun with family;  it was fun to see all those, and makes me glad I like taking pix!  But it was sad as well.

Struggled a bit with the music -- some of your fav songs, well, the lyrics aren't so appropriate.  So I did the next best thing:  selected the intros from a bunch of your fav songs and slung them all together.  It should make for a very ..... interesting reaction!  :)

Here I am, making plans for a celebration of life -- it's like planning a surprise party ....
only you won't be there to be surprised.

Each day I'm putting one foot in front of the other, to cope.  Sometimes it's having to cope hour to hour.  I can tell when it becomes too much, and I have to go sit down, take a break.  It's like my mind can only hold so much information before it needs to reboot.  Sleeping is the same way for me.  I can sleep about 90 minutes, then I'm awake.  Sometimes I'll walk Sadie into the living room and back before I crawl into bed, turn on some Netflix show, and try to sleep some more.  Last night must have been rougher than most, Sadie let me sleep in til 6am!!

I was putzing around in the garage storage; a shelf fell and one of the bottle shattered all over.  I cleaned that up today with the vacuum to get the itty bitty pieces, and did the rest of the garage as well.  It was still full of styrofoam pieces from the piece you cut a couple weeks ago.  We took that out of the window temporarily because there wasn't enough light in your room to clean things up, gather up the laundry and get it all washed.

My days are broken into bits and pieces.
Time has become "before" and "after".

Love,
Mom