The Deep Dive

Its hot again today, and I was thinking of swimming.  Growing up in silicon valley, summers were spent at the pool!  It was 50cents for a swim from 1-5pm.  We would go to Warburton Swim Center, or Wilcox High School.  

Remember when jumping into the deep end was the greatest thrill??  The lifeguards always made sure you were a good swimmer before you were allowed to swim in the deep end.  We would swim across and back again over and over.

Sometimes Wilcox would open the high dive to kids, and we'd jump!  The climb up the ladder seemed endless.  Then waiting for the kid in front of you to jump and swim clear so it could be your turn!!  That butterfly feeling you'd get looking down, and then waiting those eternal seconds until you hit the water. (In all probability, it was a 10ft high board)

Hanging with friends, gossiping, watching boys, and buying a treat from the snack bar -- my fav on a hot summer day was a frozen Milky Way! 

I'm guessing you had some good summer times too!!

To recreate some of those good times, when my daughter was about 3, the International Swim Center would stay open from 5-7pm for family swim.  I took her often! More refreshing good times!!

Great Times!!

A mini vacay, visiting with my daughter and the rest of the crew.  Because of the dream I had where Brian brought me a cheeseburger at the amusement park, I ate my first burger and fries since last August!!  Whoa ..... DELISH!!

Had a good visit with MissT, MrA, MissBree and that gorgeous great granddaughter of mine!!!

And I did something naughty, something I did with MissB at her age, I slipped her a sip of Diet Coke!! lol. (Shame on great grandma!¡!)

Then spent the afternoon reminiscing with MissT and MrA.  So many family memories with my kids, too many to recount here, for now!!  I love you!

Silvertone Guitar

Back in 1970-1972, my folks got me an accoustic guitar. I remember going to Sears, down the escalator to the appliances dept. There, in one aisle, was their limited selection of guitars.  If I remember correctly, it was $12 and some change.  It even came with a case!

I still have this guitar, and I took it out today.  It's sadly out of tune!  

My friend Shirley and I started to take guitar lessons from someone at St Lawrence.  We were so young! I don't remember what my expectations were for the lessons, but I do remember learning to play Norwegian Wood.  Looking back, I think the teacher was a Beatles fan!

My guitar is over 50 years old. What a lot of memories made with it! Happy times!

Scholastic Book Fair

MrZ is having book fair at school this week.  Its the same and different than before.

When I was in elementary school back in 1960s, there would be like a 4 page newspaper with books and prices listed on it.  If I was lucky, Dad would shell out $5 and I could pick and choose.  Books were $1-$4, and sometimes there were posters for 50cents (Donny Osmond, please!!!) 

With careful choices, I could get 2 or 3 items and be so happy!!  Today, MrZ chose a Pokémon diary ..... not sure what his plans are for it! 

Things are still the same, and yet different.  Thanks, Scholastic!!!

Frosty, et al

Christmas TV shows ..... as a kid I can remember checking the TV Guide and planning the week of TV shows so we could watch Frosty the Snowman, How the Grinch Stole Christmas, the Peanuts special, and Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer.  

Today, Mr Z informed me he knows the Frosty song,  but had never seen the TV show.  So I pulled up HULU and we watched.  He chuckled over the rabbit named Hocus-Pocus !!

The Frosty show was created in 1969, 55 years ago.  Where does the time go??  Its the little memories like these that make me smile!

Souvenir Spoons

Way back in the 80s, I collected souvenir spoons.  Why?  I think I wanted something small that would be an indicator of where I'd been.  Most of them are from states, some are more specific to a place (ie Disneyland).

I thought I had gotten rid of them in the moves I made between then and now,  from San Jose to Santa Clara to Hamilton to Trotwood to Gilbert to Mesa.  I just found them today while deep cleaning the kitchen.  It brought back memories, but I boxed them up and stuck them in the cedar chest of memories.

I stopped buying spoons in the late 90s and switched to refrigerator magnets!

Because Somebody Prayed

Because Somebody Prayed is a song that's been playing on KLove lately,  and it reminded me of something.   When I worked retail, on a busy, stressful day, my manager and I were working on some boxes, and chatting, the way you do.  He stopped and looked at me, and reached a hand toward my bangs.  I thought maybe he was going to brush away some lint, or a bug.  

Instead, he made the sign of a cross on my forehead.  I didn't say anything, just looked at him. He had a look of concentration on his face.  I know he was praying for me. 

How often have you prayed for someone? Or had someone pray for you?  There are times when we don't know if or when someone prays for us.  My grandmother often told me she was praying for me.  As a teen, I didn't claim much comfort from that thought.  

But now as an adult, I know there is power in prayer.  I know I've prayed for people over the years.  I don't know if those were a part of the end result, but I like to think so. 

If you're having a bad day, ask someone for prayers. If you see someone who's hurting, say a little prayer.  It helps! 

Its a Drive!

Spent time yesterday with my daughter, granddaughter, and met my great granddaughter!!  I luv me some baby snuggles!!

But it was a drive!  Two hours in the car with mom.  Each way.  And I dreaded listening to the radio, because of the political ads!! So I made a Playlist on my MP3 player, old country from the 60s and 70s that I grew up on.  We spent a lot of time singing along,  which meant not so much talk time.  That was ok with me!  

Johnny Cash, Merle Haggard, Marty Robbins, Tammy Wynette ... and the list goes on.   Good memories!

Tickle tickle, Miss Izzy!

Faded Memories (1996 or so)

Sometimes, something comes up that brings back a wave of memories.  That happened to me Saturday while I was noodling around on the computer, looking at some music files to transfer to my MP3 player ( yes, i know, I'm Old Skool!!)   Back in 1996 (while I'm not positive this was the exact year, its close), I was married but not happily.  I considered myself content, but perhaps because I didn't know any better?  

And somewhere in there I met JavaJoe from Chicago online.  In 1996, the internet was just beginning to be readily available, and I was learning all I could.  There were newsgroups and IRC to connect with folks from all over, all of us learning what the internet could do for us!  We started chatting and sharing, we had an instant sympatico, with long conversations about nothing and everything at the same time.  

He taught me so many things,  and introduced me to the singer Joshua Kadison. And the song Beautiful In My Eyes.  I love his album "Painted Desert Serenade".  He has a unique style of story telling in his music, but Beautiful is my favorite:

"You're my peace of mind in this crazy world.

You're everything I've tried to find

Your love is a pearl

You're my Mona Lisa 

You're my rainbow skies

And my only prayer is that you realize

You'll always be beautiful in my eyes."

It was through JavaJoe that I learned what a truly deep love is about. I can remember humming this song to myself, my arms wrapped around a pillow, smiling as I drifted off to sleep.  It also made me very aware that my own marriage wasn't everything it could, and should, be.

We never know where true inspiration will come from, or where it will lead us.  Here more than 15 yrs later, I rediscovered this music, added it my iPod and have listened to it many times today.   And it makes me understand why I am still single to this day.  Finding a man who can resonate that feeling toward a woman is rare. And I'm not willing to settle for less again.  Three times was enough!

Old Times and Mom Humor

I was thinking about something on the way home.  We live in a disposable world, and are often concerned with things being unclean.   With a warm sunny day, I was thinking back to high school.  One of my phys ed class choices was swimming.  We walked into the locker room, and was handed a swimsuit and a towel.  When our swim class was over,  we turned in our suit and towel.  They were washed (hopefully) and handed out the next day or the next class.   Would that fly in today's culture???     I think not.  Even my own thinking ... would I put on a swimsuit and wear it ????

It's Tuesday, and that means our weekly family dinner night.  Each week on Tuesday, we get together and share a meal.  It's a nice time to get to see the young kids and play Bingo or whatever.  While I enjoy them, its hard when you've worked a long day and stay awake past your bedtime!!  But we're finding that the kids behave differently at someone else's house than in their own home.  We've seen an improvement over the last few weeks in their behavior and that's encouraging too!   Most weeks, I supply the hot french bread, as they bake it fresh in my store, and tastes soooo good!  I also supply dessert --- tonight's choice, Rice Krispie Treats!  yummy

Mom's saga with her new house is on going.  Lots of little things to do to make things more "homey".   A really funny example is her handyman arranged to show up to start work at 8am.  He knocked, then he called me because she didn't answer her door.  I called her and she said "Yes, I see him, he hasn't rang the doorbell yet."   Um, mom, you're paying him by the hour... let him in!!!   lol 

Life in the fast lane ......!!

Remembering Chuck

Long ago, and yet the memory is still strong; I wrote about this chance encounter I had with a special person.  When I re-read this paragraph I'd written, it seems as if it was a brief encounter.  But in fact, it went on more than six months.  He was a 911 dispatcher, and I worked retail, so our lives were very off schedule, as both of us had rotating schedules.  Finding time to chat, make phone calls and even meet up was something that we worked on.  

• One of the most amazing loves of my life was extremely brief; and yet it still goes on. We met in a chat room, and there was instant "chemistry"; we became friends. Chats turned to phone calls, and one day out of the blue, he called and said "I want to take you to dinner." He was going to be in town, so I arranged to meet him in Zville. Normally, I'm a shy person; when we met, it was hugs at first sight, then a little bit of awkward chit chat. But dinner was super; it was so much fun to finally meet and talk face to face; it was as if we had known each other forever. And even though we're further apart, geographically speaking, and the time we spend chatting is less (we both have busy lives), when we take the time, its as if time stood still and we pick up right where we left off. This wonderful man accepted me as I am, treated me like a queen, and showed me what true love is about; he will never be forgotten. And I never miss an opportunity to tell him I love him. True love may not be the stuff in fairy tales, but it can be just as wonderful if you open yourself, and your heart. Nobody knows or will ever know everything they need to know about love. Its elusiveness is part of what makes love seductive. One can only obey the great law of the heart that says "As long as you live, love one another and take the consequences."

While I remember writing about this special guy, I realized that I didn't go into details.  I wonder if the memory is as true as reality was?  

I started writing down the story of our encounters while I was at work, and I thought I tucked it in my purse so that I could put it here, but it seems it isn't in my purse now, and oh boy uh oh if someone finds it ..... lol  

Chuck was a very special guy.  We chatted and talked on the phone, and then we agreed to meet up and have a meal, and see where it goes from there.  And boy did it go!  (blushing grin)  I will always cherish the memories we made.  We shared a meal at Waffle House, and I wrote the following poem afterwards. 

cowboy boots and hat 

soft touches, 

fingers reach me 

touch my soul deeply 

 snuggling together 

such an amazing night 

this can never last 

 me, holding his gaze 

goodbyes said at waffle house 

cowboy boots and hat 

LD Poetry©2008

I just learned yesterday that Chuck died in December 2020.  

I will miss his laughter, his kindness and will cherish our memory forever.   

Goodbye, Chuck.  You were loved!  xo

Inventory and Memories

 In our crazy retail Big Box Store we have inventory once a year.  It's a huge process when it comes to preparation. And no matter how prepared you think you are, you're never really prepared.  We had high hopes for a good outcome... our hopes were dashed.  But that's how it is in retail.  But it means that we're going to be under close scrutiny from the higher-ups in the coming year. 

As for the preparation, I worked 7 days in a row, mostly 9 -10 hour days each.  When it was all over, as of yesterday, today it's a do-nothing, rest all day kind of day.  But I can't seem to sit still.  The bad part about it is that I can't seem focus on just one thing and complete the task.  I did manage to load and start the dishwasher, and to wash the bedding and remake the bed.  

We had rain move through the Valley, and I slipped out during all our preps to snap a quick pic. There's nothing like the smell of a fresh wet desert!

Then yesterday, as I walked out to get the mai, this little truck was parked outside of Wendy's.  It reminded me of the days back in the 80s when I worked in the service dept of a local forklift dealership.  After hours, we would work on a truck just like this one.  It was a blast!  Sometimes little things bring back the best memories! 

It was also my sister's heavenly birthday.  I painted a rock to bring with me on my next visit home to leave on her headstone.  

Lots of little things going on, and yet now that inventory is over, work will be more pleasant now.  I hope. 

Merry Christmas Eve

 Here it is, Christmas Eve.  And so many memories came rushing back to me tonight.  Living a full life means that there are *many* memories, but some stand out more than others.  Tonight, it was driving past the Dollar Tree store.  I remember when we had six kids and only one working parent - money was tight, but we still wanted to make Christmas fun for the kids.  They were between 8 and 16 years old, so we decided that we should draw names and then make a family outing to the Dollar Tree.  Everyone was handed their $1 (plus a dime to cover any tax) and had to purchase a gift for the name they drew.  One of the younger boys (Dougie) drew his PawPaw.  He found a toy slot machine because he knew he liked to go to "the boats" to gamble.  We all had a big laugh over that one!  The kids each found a gift for the name they drew, and we all opened them in turn, and it was a big pile of fun.  It wasn't the cost of the gift, or about impressing anyone.  It was the making of a memory that stands out.  And still brings a smile to my face! 

I enjoyed a pizza for dinner tonight, in honor of my son.  It was his favorite meal, and I truly miss him.

Another stand out Christmas for me was the year I was 14 years old.  I *really really really* wanted a 10 speed bike, with racing handle bars.  Mine was orange, and that's what Santa left for me.  It was a truly memorable one!  It was similar to this one!  I had it for years and rode it everywhere, including to and from work in my senior year of high school! 

Sometimes I wonder what memories stand out for my own kids.  Are they the same ones that stand out for me?  Probably not.  One year, my husband bought me a long red dress coat with black suede trim.  I loved it, and wore it until it was worn out! 

In the 90s, I sang in a church choir.  We always did a Christmas celebration with lots of music.  I really enjoyed those times.  But the best memory year after year is being at the Christmas Eve service.  The last song would always be Silent Night.  The lights would go out, and starting with the candles on the altar, everyone would receive a light from the person next to them.  For me, that's the best one.

  

I'm betting that your most precious memories had less to do with pricey gifts than it did with making memories with your loved ones.  Once your loved ones aren't around anymore, those memories become even more precious.

So go out, make memories for yourself, and for your loved ones.

Spelunking at Golden Dome

1990 was a very busy year for me and my family.  With a new man in my life, we were busy trying to blend his kids and mine by going on camping trips, among other things.  One of our trips was to Lava Beds National Monument in northeast California.

"Lava Beds National Monument is a land of turmoil, both geological and historical. Over the last half-million years, volcanic eruptions on the Medicine Lake shield volcano have created a rugged landscape dotted with diverse volcanic features."

Golden Dome is one of the more challenging caves to explore; you enter the cave by going down a steep ladder.  (We were here more than once, after my first trip down the ladder, I didn't go a second time! hehe)


The kids enjoyed going into caves.  As you can see, they carried flashlights and wore a hard hat for safety.  When we arrived here, we explored the first cave and found it was cooler inside than out, so we grabbed up our lunches and ate down in the cave before we started exploring the rest of them.

Family memories become so important in the later years.  I'm sure my daughter's memories are different than my own, but it's something we both shared, even if she wasn't thrilled at the time.  The other girls were more ... tomboy-ish than my own daughter; trudging around in jeans and getting dirty wasn't her thing  ....  she enjoyed dresses and such when she was at home!

At my age, I'm not sure I'd be thrilled trudging around in caves and such, but I'm glad I had the opportunity when I was younger. 

“You never change your life 

until you step out of your comfort zone; 

change begins at the end of your comfort zone.”

Family, Spring Break and Memories

Dear Brian,

What a bittersweet weekend this has been. 

Tee and family is here for spring break. 

We did a bunch of touristy things yesterday,

with our last stop at Hole in the Rock.







It was one of the places you and I would

dash off to when there was a need to get out,

and brought up so many thoughts of you.


But I came,  I saw,  I conquered


The sunset was amazing!

Ralphie and Other Memories

Dear Brian,

It seems odd that I keep going in "survival mode" and doing what needs doing.  When I'm at work, things are OK -- I just focus on what needs doing and it gets done.  When I'm at home, it's a different story.  Sometimes I feel like I'm just going through the motions, doing things but in reality it feels like I'm waiting for that moment when you walk through my door again.  I know in my brain that it isn't possible, but my heart .... still waits. 

I was driving to work and heard a really good song about someone dying and the singer felt like this wasn't the way it would be, that she was the keeper of his memory.  And that's what I feel like:  the one who keeps your memory.  Maybe because we spent so many years together.  Yeah, yeah, parents raising kids get the first 18 or so years, but you lived with me much longer.  When you became an adult, those extra 12 years and all the things we did - that forged a bond. 

As I go about my chores and doing things that need doing, I was cleaning in the garage and found a few things over the past few days. 

Here's Ralphie, the teddy bear.  He's small, soft and oh so comforting.  My teddy bear collection started in 1989 when I had some surgery, and Ralphie was one of them.  (after that it became an obsession and grew to over 30 bears!)  But on days when you were struggling, or couldn't sleep, you wanted Ralphie.  I can still see your chubby little arm wrapped around his neck, holding him close to you. 

Then in another box, I found the ID bracelet you got when you went to Bracher School.  Judging from how small it is, it must have been kindergarten!   And today when I was painting behind the shelves in the garage, I found one of those bicycle "plates" from Ohio with your name on it.  You didn't have a bike after we left Hamilton in 2004, so it's from before that.  I chuckled to myself, because you always kept things that I never would.  But it made me smile today! 

It's been 7 months since you died, but I feel like I've aged 7 years.  There are still things that need to be done, but it's going very slowly.  Some things I don't have the luxury of waiting -- taxes are waiting to be done as well.  February has never been my favorite month!

I had to find a roofer to get a roof put on the house.  It was an ordeal but I signed with one on Wednesday, and it's going to take a chunk of my $$ but ... I can't risk a leaking roof! 

If you were here right now, I'd say "Let's go grab a burger from Jacks!"  and you'd probably say "I'd rather have Taco Bell."  lol that was always the joke with us.  I miss it every day.

Love you always,
Mom

Treasured Memories

Dear Brian:

There's nothing more special for me right now than to discover a pile of old photos!  I was cleaning out one of my "treasure boxes" and found a few more.  I look at them and remember all the things we used to do! 




Here's a photo of the pumpkins we carved while camping out at Big Basin, which was a great place to go for a quick little get-away weekend.  The smile on your face must mean you were having a great time!

While I know that I'll be ... troubled when thoughts of you drift into my head in the dark of night, I'm trying to be reasonable, knowing full well that it's part of the process.  Will I ever get "over" this?  I think not.   But I'm praying that I arrive at some kind of peace; to be able to accept that your choice is what you felt necessary.  I'll always believe different: that with some talking and some care, things would have gotten better. 

I started attacking that overgrown tree in the backyard.  Not sure I'll be able to finish doing the digging out of the root ball, but as with everything now that I"ll be doing alone:  a little at a time!


I'll be posting a few of your old photos found on the website ForeverMissed.com and telling the story behind them.  It's been fun being able to share.  But I'm a little sad about it too.  I don't think your dad and I know Grandma just can't look at your photos and stories.  They're so sad.  Grandma told me she had a photo of you from Anthony's wedding that she put in a frame, but she can't bear to look at it.  Which makes me sad as well. 

I want her, I want everyone to remember you
as you were, just like you asked us to.
Which is why I just keep writing .....
Love you always, son!
Mom

A Little Luck and Fewer Piles

Dear Brian,

I think your good luck rubbed off on me!  I'm a part of a group that teaches and trains how to change your lifestyle for a more healthy one.  It's text based, you answer questions and participate that way.  Every time you answer a question correctly, your name goes in for the drawing for a $250 gift card -- and I won one!!!!!   Used it today at Walmart -- 2 weeks groceries and 2 pairs of Levi's for work = $0 out of pocket. 

I just posted the photos of your trip to Space Camp in Alabama (1999) and it brought back such good memories.  You were a little apprehensive about going, but Judy (your vision teacher) was going along, so I knew you'd be OK.  Once you came back, you didn't stop talking about all the cool things you got to see and do.  From the photos, it looks like it was a fantastic opportunity!

I started tackling some of the "little piles everywhere" -- but I keep getting distracted.  I started unloading the dishwasher and ended up re-doing the silverware drawer and the plastics shelf.  I think I have too many of all of these things now! lol  But we'll just keep things as they are for now.  I started cleaning out in the garage.  Alonzo has your bike and bike parts.  He will be able to use it to go back and forth to school, same some $$ on gas, even if it isn't every day.  Dumped out your fuels into kitty litter.  Sorted out some of the nuts, bolts and washers that were in every tool drawer lol  Now they're all back in their compartments!

They've changed my work schedule and now my two days off are Sat and Weds.  WTF is up with that?  Not what I signed up for .....  if there was a way I could retire right now, I would.  Right now isn't the time to be making changes.  Wish it was! I've been pondering options - moving to CA, or to Tucson.  Or staying in town, getting something smaller, maybe in a 55+ community.  It's too soon, but if you can foresee something ... let me know, ok?  :)

Time to get back to the rest of the little piles ....
Love,
Mom

Too Much Thinking

Dear Brian,

Maybe some who read this are getting tired of my letters to you.  But I don't care, it helps me.

One thing I haven't acknowledged is what I noticed in the backyard - there's a cigarette burn on the bench, and I wonder did you sit there contemplating? Were you scared? Or just ready to have it done?  I can't imagine any of your thoughts.  I suspect you sat there, set down your cigarette, and then ... what?  I know you left Sadie in the house, which means this was planned.  And knowing that hurts me a lot.  I wish you had talked to me, but it seems you were so far down in some kind of hole and didn't see any way out.  But as you said, I'm strong. I would have found a way to help however I could.

When I'm not thinking these things, I think about the times when you .... went along with me whenever I got a wild hair to go out hiking or something.  Loved to travel out to Superstition, or Hole in the Rock, and go wandering in the desert for a hike of some sort.  You were always prepared, carrying your "survival bag" in case something happened, including headache medicine, bandaids, elastic bandages in case of a sprain.... You always seemed to have the right stuff with you.  You were a good sport to go along with your ol' mom so she didn't have to hike alone.  Thank you for that.  I'm not sure I thanked you enough for that.

The same with my car:  you always tucked away a roll of duct tape, a small arsenal of handy tools ... just in case we got stuck somewhere.  Now that you're not here ... well, the items are still in the trunk, along with a change of clothes as well.  Yeah, now that I'm older, you just never know ....

The day never passes whenever I think about your choice and feel the need to mutter to myself "Brian, Brian, Brian ..."  For some reason it always needs to be said three times.  I can't explain it even to myself, but just accept that's how it needs to be.

I am in the process of posting all your high school English class writings that you wrote about yourself.  I'm also tucking them into sheet protectors and storing them in a binder that zippers shut.  That way folks can read them whenever they're ready.  I sure am pleased that I have that little bit of you to remember all the good times, to read about your view point of the world.  Your sense of humor shines through to me in your words. 

All this thinking that my brain does, I suppose they say it's good for me to be thinking and writing whatever I can about it.  Pondering over whatever helps put things in perspective.  It's not always easy, but it's getting easier to remember the good parts of you.  And there were many of them!

I'll always love you, son
Love, Mom

A Sign from Heaven?

Dear Brian:

Do you remember this first time you got really, really drunk?  We were living in Trotwood, and you were outside on the front stoop singing very loudly.  I had to open the window and tell you to get your drunk ass to bed.   In the moment, I didn't find it very funny, but looking back, it always made me chuckle.

Why am I reminding you of this?  Because Brianna was sneaking alcohol at the party/BBQ yesterday; she came home and took herself off to bed.  She got "the munches" about an hour later and ate three slices of pizza.  An hour after that, she was puking her guts up.  I had to call her parents home because she said she needed her mom.  At 1AM she thought she was going to take a shower, even though she could barely stand without being dizzy; then said she would be taking a bath.  I put a stop to both of those!!  She sipped water and got back into bed, finally asleep.

Let me tell ya, I'm overly tired from all this!  I don't EVER stay up this late.  Ugh. 

But today, as the kids were gathering up all their things, Tanya opened the fridge and out rolled one of your Mt Dew and a Pepsi from the dispenser.  She stood there, her mouth wide open, and said "WTF?"  I laughed, told her it was you, trying to get her attention.  I hope you try a few more times, she needs a jolt or two.

After the kids left, my entire house smells like fresh cut lumber -
just like you smelled after working all night in the lumber dept.
I'm sure it's your way of letting me know that you're OK,
and watching over me. 

I miss you every day!
Love,
Mom