Love at First Sight

Do you believe in love at first sight?  I'd like to believe, but its more like lust at first sight.  When you're meeting a new person, are you instantly attracted to something in partucular?  I tend to notice eyes and hands.

There would probably be all kinds of opinions on Google or in magazines. But does their opinion mean more than our own?  

My first real crush at first sight was when I was 8. Mikey lived next door.  We became fast friends and he was my first kiss behind the pine tree in our backyard! 

After that, I had a few crushes along the way, but I was a chubby nerd who loved reading and being alone.  I married three times, each time I was convinced it was love, sometimes love at first sight. But looking back, I'm not sure I knew what real love looked like. And I'm still not sure.

Love and lust are sometimes mistaken. I have learned over time that it isn't about looks, and it isn't easy to truly love someone. That usually comes from time spent exchanging ideas through conversation and having similar goals for a good life. 

Not including marriages, I fell in love two other times.  Both were built on many conversations, and wanting the same things in life.  

One happened a few months before I was first married. He was older than me, but that didn't matter.  Our history .... well let's just say that I hoped he would be the knight in shining armor who would rescue me.  I realized later in life that we each need to rescue ourselves.

The second was instant friendship and nearly love at first sight. We had so much in common, but our life paths seemed impossible to change at the time and we drifted apart.

Love is a many splendored thing.  That was a catch phrase in the late 60s, but love is definitely hard to define. It is different for each of us. 

I hope you find yours!

On Being a Teen

It was 1978, and I was engaged to be married.  But I was only 19, and had doubts about starting a marriage before I had even found myself.  That sounds like a cliche, but I was very unsure.  Or maybe it was the man I was unsure about. 

As a kid, I was always serious and driven. Work before play and all that was how I was raised.  He was raised much different. Part of his appeal for me was just that, no anchor, no direction, free to do as he wanted.  In hindsight, I can see that lifestyle might have looked good, but didn't work for me.

So I dated an older man .... and I was torn. I spent as much time as I could with him, and I was in love. And hurting. On a whim, he and I visited his parents... wise and friendly folks willing to talk. I was so at home with them, we stayed and watched TV. Turns out, Helter Skelter was being televised.  For some reason, every time I see a blurb about the movie, I go back to thinking about Ron and his parents, and a lost love.

In the end, after telling my folks I didn't want to get married, they had me counseled by their Pastor, by relatives, and in the end I felt so guilty about the pain they were feeling that I ended up going through with the marriage.

There's a secret part of me that remembers walking down that aisle wishing Ron would rescue me like a knight in shining armor, but that only happens in fairy tales. 

Maybe times are better now, more communication toward young girls, more accepting of situations, or choices. I wouldn't want to be a teen again, things are too different.  

But I still have those feelings, those memories, from time to time.  It reminded me yet again when I saw an ad for Helter Skelter.  Guess Ron is my guy who got away. 

Remembering Chuck

Long ago, and yet the memory is still strong; I wrote about this chance encounter I had with a special person.  When I re-read this paragraph I'd written, it seems as if it was a brief encounter.  But in fact, it went on more than six months.  He was a 911 dispatcher, and I worked retail, so our lives were very off schedule, as both of us had rotating schedules.  Finding time to chat, make phone calls and even meet up was something that we worked on.  

• One of the most amazing loves of my life was extremely brief; and yet it still goes on. We met in a chat room, and there was instant "chemistry"; we became friends. Chats turned to phone calls, and one day out of the blue, he called and said "I want to take you to dinner." He was going to be in town, so I arranged to meet him in Zville. Normally, I'm a shy person; when we met, it was hugs at first sight, then a little bit of awkward chit chat. But dinner was super; it was so much fun to finally meet and talk face to face; it was as if we had known each other forever. And even though we're further apart, geographically speaking, and the time we spend chatting is less (we both have busy lives), when we take the time, its as if time stood still and we pick up right where we left off. This wonderful man accepted me as I am, treated me like a queen, and showed me what true love is about; he will never be forgotten. And I never miss an opportunity to tell him I love him. True love may not be the stuff in fairy tales, but it can be just as wonderful if you open yourself, and your heart. Nobody knows or will ever know everything they need to know about love. Its elusiveness is part of what makes love seductive. One can only obey the great law of the heart that says "As long as you live, love one another and take the consequences."

While I remember writing about this special guy, I realized that I didn't go into details.  I wonder if the memory is as true as reality was?  

I started writing down the story of our encounters while I was at work, and I thought I tucked it in my purse so that I could put it here, but it seems it isn't in my purse now, and oh boy uh oh if someone finds it ..... lol  

Chuck was a very special guy.  We chatted and talked on the phone, and then we agreed to meet up and have a meal, and see where it goes from there.  And boy did it go!  (blushing grin)  I will always cherish the memories we made.  We shared a meal at Waffle House, and I wrote the following poem afterwards. 

cowboy boots and hat 

soft touches, 

fingers reach me 

touch my soul deeply 

 snuggling together 

such an amazing night 

this can never last 

 me, holding his gaze 

goodbyes said at waffle house 

cowboy boots and hat 

LD Poetry©2008

I just learned yesterday that Chuck died in December 2020.  

I will miss his laughter, his kindness and will cherish our memory forever.   

Goodbye, Chuck.  You were loved!  xo

Overwhelming At Times

 Sometimes I don't know what to do with it all. 

I heard that line on TV today and thought "that fits!"  Some days I don't know what to do with all the feelings, all the emotions that come swelling up inside when a memory of my son hits me in some way.  Like today.  There's a young kid at work who has hair just like my son's.  When I saw him today, I just wanted to reach out and smooth those hairs.  I know that wouldn't be right, but the feeling overwhelmed me.  

And that's the kind of stuff that fits:  I don't know what to do with it all. 

I muddle through as best I can, and keep moving through the day.  

Sometimes the tears well up, and sometimes I let them fall.   There is nothing that overwhelms as much as when your child dies.  I know that it's something that I"ll have to live with the rest of my days.  Sometimes I can't imagine what it took for him to do what he did.  And the cycle begins again, the grief builds, the tears come, and I'm sad all over again.  

One day.  Some day.  I'll stroll over heaven with him.  

Closure: Memories of Ron

When we experience significant events in our life and the situation - whatever it is - comes to an end, there is some kind of closure needed.  Sometimes we get that closure right away. And sometimes when you think you've had your closure, later in life it comes back at you and you need to find your closure again. 

For years, I have hung on to a lost love.  Not openly there, but the memory has lingered on for years and years.  Probably because there wasn't closure.  Ron was 10 years older than me.  We met through work, and there was instant everything between us.  Unfortunately, the timing was very bad - I was engaged to be married when we met.  Through a huge family drama issue, I attempted to call off the engagement and the wedding.  But the bottom line is I didn't have the heart, the guts, the right stuff to cause that much hurt to my parents and my future in-laws. 

I was torn, tugged in many directions, but when it came to the bottom line, I couldn't walk away from them, so I walked away from Ron.  He and I were both hurting over it. And while a wedding should be a joyous occasion, I was going through the motions because it was expected of me.  The hardest part was having to see Ron every day at work, to feel the pain of his anger, and my own stinging emotions because I couldn't be true to myself.

As time passes and we move on with our lives, the hurts move them to a different place and in our normal busy-ness, we think about them less often.  It doesn't mean they aren't there, they just aren't as visible. It's like putting a sweater in the closet.  It's there if you took the time to look for it, but most of the time you don't need it in the here and now.

Lately, I've been doing a lot of reflecting, and Ron has come to mind over and over again.  I thought writing down the details, the feelings, would help me gain some closure, but it got me all worked up again.  I wish now that I had made the time to explore that relationship, had stood up to family when I knew in my heart I wasn't ready to be married.  Thank goodness for the internet!  It took me about an hour to discover that he'd left our home town and moved to another state.  From the looks of it, he married and had children, and possibly divorced after that.  I was able to sneak a peek at some photos (oops, I shouldn't have but I couldn't help myself!!) 

There was his face.  A face I was very familiar with.  The years didn't change what I'd remembered about him.  Such a handsome man!  And he has daughters.  They look like him.  I stared at his face for a long time and remembered all we shared.  It caused me a bit of painful sadness and I barely slept all night.  Would I dare message him? What would I say? What could I say? 

I knew in my heart that he would move on.  I sometimes have wondered if he even remembered me, let alone think of me from time to time.  And I came to the conclusion that I think it's better to let things be, no need to stir up something from so long ago (40+ years!!)   He appears to have a good life, good things going for him. 

So here's my closure, I'm putting these memories at rest.  I wrote in my journal about our relationship, and my feelings, and putting them into words has helped a lot. 

Ronnie:  If you ever come across this, feel free to message me, I'd love to catch up!

Sheltered In

I've had five days with family visiting, and it's been wonderful!   There are two parts of this that made my life easier:  enough people to keep Sadie entertained so that she sleeps very well at night, and I can go to bed and other people in the house will lock up and shut things down. 

At the same time, there were moments when having 6 people in my 1000 sq foot house where I thought we'd all go a little nuts because we're underfoot or on top of each other as we're trying to do things.   But we all survived!!

Because of COVID-19, many of the activities planned were shut down, and there wasn't a Plan B.  Luckily, the weather held and the girls were able to hang at the pool and play some volleyball.  Today was cut short because a thunderstorm blew in around noon and they wanted to get home before it hit. 

Being "sheltered in" around the country is a wonderful time to start new traditions, resurrect some old traditions and just spend some quality time with your loved ones.  Put down your phone, turn off the TV, grab a board game or two from the back of the closet and see what comes of it.  If you've forgotten the rules, make them up as you go and have fun with it!  It's amazing what kids will talk about when their hands are busy, or there's a game going on. 

Focus on what you CAN do , and on what you HAVE, and quit worrying about what you can't do, or don't have.  There's no better way to get closer to your loved ones than being "sheltered in".

It won't be for forever,
and life will go back to how it was.
Enjoy it!
Family time matters

Family Time

One thing I'm learning as I age:  It's difficult to transition into things outside my normal routine!

I have family here visiting for five days:  My daughter, her husband, three teenage girls, and their dog, Zoey.   

Teenage girls love to stay up late and sleep til noon. 
I go to bed early and am up before daybreak!

Meal times have become so scattered!  I usually eat meals at 8am, 11am, and 4:30pm.  Which means I've had both breakfast and lunch before the girls are awake!   hahaha  It's amusing, but it's also difficult because I wasn't able to have the same days off.  I had to get up and work both Monday and Tuesday.  That puts us all on an odd schedule.

But besides sleeping and eating patterns, there are other things as well.  Showers have become difficult.  My small house has a 20 gallon hot water heater.  For six people??  That does't cut it!  We've adjusted to spacing them out, but ... last one in gets a cold shower!

Another trouble is having two dogs in the house.  Zoey is a large dog, and can be a bit aggressive -- and very protective if there's food around!  Sadie is a happy go lucky pug most of the time.  But she's very protective of "our safe haven" -- which is on top of my bed.  When Zoey attempted to jump onto the bed, Sadie became a growling beast!  But if there's food and Sadie comes sniffing around, Zoey is snapping her jaws at Sadie!  It made coming home from work on Monday rather interesting.  I couldn't eat my dinner unless I was standing up.  The dogs wouldn't leave me in peace!  We ended up sitting in the backyard --- they could roam around and I just kept on the move as well.

There's nothing like family time to make us all feel closer to each other --- we just all have to learn to respect each others' space and time. 

thank goodness for Tylenol PM.
lol

A Mother's Love

Not a day passes that I am not reminded of my son, or think of something I want to tell him, or ask him to do for me.  It hurts like hell.

I get busy and go to work, and the day passes.

I come home and walk Sadie, make supper, and head for bed, and the evening passes.

Repeat these steps. 
Over and over.

It makes the time pass, but it doesn't change what's inside.
Most of the time, its just the pain of losing someone.
Sometimes, it's not wanting to do all of these things alone.
And every now and then, it's full on anger.

I raised an awesome son.  He was always willing to do whatever needed to be done, and sometimes would do things that didn't need doing.  He did them any way.  In that way, he was a lot like my father.  He might not have said the words, but his actions said "I love you" with everything in him.

I watched my son's attitude and demeanor diminish over time as he tried living life with another family.  Good-hearted people often get taken advantage of by others who aren't as good-hearted as themselves.  In my own "theory of life" there are givers and there are takers.  Givers give of themselves at every turn, and have a hard time believing that others don't think like they do.  Takers do what they can, take what they need, to fill whatever void they're trying to fill.  And they're smart enough to know how to take advantage of those givers who cross their paths.   My son's downfall was his pride; he hated to admit that things weren't going well, so he stayed.   In that way, he's like his mother. 

When I was married, it wasn't working; neither of us was growing, it was more existing.  But back then, you stayed married "for the kids".  I was so prideful, that I couldn't admit that it wasn't going well, that things were falling apart, so we went from day to day to day ......   In the end that just didn't work and we divorced.  Telling my parents was the hardest thing ever.  I was sure I would be "judged".   But just like I would have told my son, my parents told me that they loved me, and would support me in any decision I made. 

Which brings up the recurring theme of "if only's..."

I can't do it over again, and I can't change what's been.

I can only keep on going, and keep remembering all the good.

No matter his choice, I loved my son then, and love him still.

If .... Then Tell Them!

Dear Brian,

I gotta tell ya, trying to "close out" someone's life isn't very easy!  In fact, it can be downright frustrating!!  There's the credit card companies who need to be told, your bank who keeps using the excuse that your account is "on hold".  You kept everything private, and there's no way for me to know anything or even check on anything at this point.  I know that soon I will get to that "fuck it" point and just let the bank keep the money; can't be that much in there.

I keep getting glimpses of moments that I wish I could forget; I'll be reading a book and something in there will happen, and it will make me think of your choosing death by suicide rather than trying to work something out.  I didn't walk in your shoes, so I don't know, and I won't judge.  But damn, son, it's rather hard to "be strong" like you asked us to do. 

So I just keep on remembering you as you were, and trying to post those stories and pictures every day.  I don't want anyone to forget you, forget what you meant to us.  Maybe we didn't say it often enough.  I thought we did, but now I wonder.  Now you're not here and I'm left wishing I'd said it more often.

The doctor prescribed sleeping meds for me, to see if that helps me out.
I'm going to try my first one tomorrow night -- don't want to try and work if there's some kind of "sleep hangover" from them.  I'll let you know!

Love,
Mom

Monsoon Summers

Dear Brian:

It's 6pm and I'm sitting here listening to the wind pick up in a big way.  Monsoons may be finally moving in to the Valley of the Sun! 

How we watched every storm that rolled through each summer.  Sometimes sitting out back, waiting for each flash of lightning.  Sometimes watching out the window as a downpour washed over our neighborhood.  Sometimes embracing the wind and sprinkles as we dashed around, making sure the lawn furniture was tucked up so it wouldn't blow away.

Last year during one storm, someone's big umbrella flew into our yard!!



The big dust storms were amazing to watch.

Remember when we first moved in?  We had nothing but dirt in the backyard, and it soon turned to mud as it rained. Sometimes into huge puddles.  Sadie was a hoot running the backyard "racetrack" through the water and mud.   But she's a little bit prissy now that she's older and refuses to walk into a puddle, let alone race through them!






This was our lonely backyard before we started sprucing things up. The little brick retainers so there could be a little bit of stuff growing.

How I will miss sitting in our chairs, hearing the rain patter, or the wind blow, without you in the chair next to mine.  Sharing our days, laughing over a little joke, or our thoughts for improving this little house we call home.

Missing you every moment, son.
Love,
Mom

Fall & Old Loves

Fall is coming soon to the Valley of the Sun.  While it's still over 100's on a daily basis, you can sense there's a change in the weather about to happen.   And as I get older, I find myself wanting to know about the people who meant a lot to me when I was a lot younger.  People who influenced me in a big way when I was still trying to find my own identity.  One of those people is a guy named Ron Parker.

When I was 19-20 years old, I worked for a forklift dealership, back in the service department.  I would take calls from customers and dispatch a mechanic over to fix their forklift.  It was a job that took a lot of time management, and I was really good at it.  (Besides, what better job for a young female than a job telling ten men where to go and what to do ????)  I took a few lumps and hard knocks from a few of them, but I earned their respect, and most of them treated me like a little sister.  They watched out for me if we stopped for drinks after work, made sure I was OK to drive home, listened when life seemed unfair.  Except Ron.  He was different.  Long and lanky, he had a quick smile and great eyes.  He was pretty handy with a wrench, too!    I was hooked, fell hard.  But I was engaged to my high school sweetheart.  (Which is another weird and winding story...)

I was young and inexperienced in the ways of other men, having known only my high school sweetheart.  I was raised old fashioned and since he was my first, I knew I was supposed to stay .... and then I met Ron.  He was many things my fiance wasn't.  And when I was with him, I felt important, that what I had to say mattered, that my knowledge and my common sense didn't have to be hidden, because he was just as smart and had just as much common sense.  It's hard to put it all into words because so many years have passed, but he was just so much more than my fiance.

We started hanging out together, enjoying a few beers with the guys after work.   It became a weekly ritual and needless to say, I wasn't fit to drive one night.  I went home with Ron.  He didn't take advantage of me, he just took care of me, let me sleep it off.  Without having to add any high school style commentary, or rude jokes.

We became close, and I was sure it was love.  And more than that.  Because we were friends on equal footing.  And that seemed important.  I started hanging out at his house, he took me to meet his parents.  No one pushed, even though it was obvious that I had an important decision to make:  Ron or Fiance.   And I wanted Ron.  So I told my parents, who went through the roof because wedding plans were already in place.  They had me in counseling with the family pastor immediately.  Oddly enough, he agreed that if I had this many doubts, I probably shouldn't get married.  But my parents were good with the guilt, and I walked down that aisle, looking over my shoulder every chance I could get, wondering if Ron would be there "like a knight in shining armor" ready to take me away from the place I didn't really want to be.

As I look back on all that now, I don't recall much of my wedding at all.  And Ron is the reason why.   But he had too much respect for me as a person to choose for me; he knew I needed to choose for myself.   In the end, I couldn't go against my parents' wishes.

But here is it, fall again, and I find myself thinking of him, because I enjoyed our time together in September into November.

I wonder what became of his life, did he marry or have kids?
has he been happy?  Is he still in California?
.Does he ever think about me?

Maybe some day, I'll have my answers.

Easier to be poor....

I just want to put this out there.  I'm not a fan of lawyers.  They have a place in our society and can be useful on some occasions, and I hope I get a good one if I ever need one, but in this instance, there seems to be something very wrong in my opinion.

From what I can tell, my grandparents created a trust agreement in 1992 in order to leave parcels of land and personal property to their five children.  In 1992, my grandfather was already 85 years old.  I'm no lawyer or expert, but it appears each of their trusts left everything to the remaining spouse if one dies before the other.  In this case, my grandmother died in 1994, which makes my Grandfather 87 years old, at which time he becomes the sole heir to all said property.

My issue is with the attorney who set up these trusts.  At 87 years old, what sort of mental capacity was my grandfather working under?  He was a sharp man, very smart, but we all fade with time.  What kind of lawyer allows changes to be made to a trust after the fact?  And by someone who just might not have all his faculties when it comes to money?  What kind of lawyer didn't create some kind of checks and balances when we're talking about an 87 year old man worth aproximately $3M in land, which was to be left to his five children?   With an estate that size, why was only one person named as a trustee?   For a smart man, my grandfather was out of his realm in this, maybe he didn't listen to his lawyer and insisted on having his own way.

In 2007,  my grandfather to add his grandson as a trustee, AND agreed to immediately sell said grandson all his land for $800/acre.   I'm sure in 2007 land was worth more than that.  FFS, my grandfather was 100 years old at the time.   In my book, this should all have been illegal, or certainly gone over with someone other than the grandson who's getting rich.  Is there not some kind of age clause, a dual signee clause, surely there should have been some kind of checks and balances.

I know that no matter what, people are 'funny' when it comes to money, family or not.

This is a very good example of why I don't trust lawyers.  I'm sure the original lawyer made a pretty penny setting up a $3M trust.  What he left was a mess.  It created a huge rift within the family.  I've not seen or spoke to my Uncle or cousins in more than 15 years.

Some people quote the Bible as saying "money is the root of all evil" but it's the love of money that's at the root of it all.  May my Uncle Robert, cousin Ronald and their families rue the day, and suffer the consequences, having full knowledge that they took the wishes of my grandparents and wiped the slate clean, allowing only themselves to reap all the benefits.  May they pass from this life to the next without real family love.  

I will probably pass this life a pauper,
but my kids won't have to fight each other for anything of value,
and will remain a loving family.

Mother's Day 2015

Sunday.  Mother's Day.  And I'm wishing all the moms out there a Happy Day!

I had to work today.

I lost my step tracker today.  It attaches to my shoe, counts my steps, uploads to my computer.  It was great, I never had to think about it, just check the numbers at the end of the day... but I suppose it doesn't matter.   I know I walk a lot of steps at work ... it just isn't enough in the exercise dept to offset the calories I eat to have the results I would like.

It was seven years ago today that my stepson Dougie died.  He always had a smile for everyone, always willing to help in any way he could.  He will always be remembered in our hearts.

I was his "mom" for six years.  I remember one year, probably 6th grade, and he was suspended from school for doing something - the transgression isn't remembered, but his punishment was to spend the day with me, doing what I do.  It was a household of 6 kids, 2 adults, 2 dogs ... I'm sure you get the picture, it was a lot of work keeping up with things!  It was a day in March, the sun was shining, still patches of snow along the edges of the driveway; there we were, out there getting the car washed.  And even though we spent the day working, we were able to share moments, to talk the entire time, to get close, even bond a bit more.  Looking back on that day makes me smile :)  He was a joy to have around!

When it was time for me to move on with my life, Dougie came and spent weekends with me and Brian.  He sure could put away a few bowls of home made stew!    More good times !!

Dougie, you touched many lives, left your imprint on our hearts.  Thank you for all you did in your short time with us.  I feel so lucky to have known you, and even more lucky that about a month prior, you called me, we got caught up again, and you told me you loved me!  So many times we don't get the chance to say that to someone important to us -- we should say it more often, because we never know when it will be our last days with those we care about.

If you love someone,
make sure you tell them ... TODAY!
It may be your last opportunity.

Well Done, Boys!

How do you sum up two weeks worth of events, family time, and lots of waiting?

It was fun, it was stressful, and everything else in between.  My emotions have been to every extreme in two long weeks, while at the same time they've hit peak times with family in two short weeks.  How can time be so fluid??  Isn't it either two long weeks or two short weeks?  I can hardly believe it's over and there were several days where I thought it would drag on forever.   I know that emotional situations can do that to people, and its never an easy time.

I'm really sad about leaving my mom, knowing she will be carrying on alone in the same house, the same bed, doing the same things she's been doing, but .... without dad.  I'm sure the next few weeks, or even months, will be quite the adjustment for her.  My aunt went through the same thing two years ago after losing her husband.  The only difference is that my aunt is much more willing to change than my mother will be.  I'm hoping that will change.  We will see.

We're planning to be here for some of the major events, probably returning in April for my father's birthday.  Perhaps we'll make a day of it, travel to the cemetery and check out the headstone that's placed.   It'll be easier saying goodbye for all of us if we know when we're coming back.  That will be a difficult day for her, so a perfect opportunity to come back and be with her.

The family that had arrived from out of town left in bits in pieces.  I said goodbye to my Aunt Elaine and cousin Maridel yesterday.  The last time I saw Maridel was .... probably 10 yrs ago now!  We were inseparable until my family left MN in 1963.  Family vacations took me to MN to visit her and we have wonderful memories that we share.  It's amazing how we're grown up women with kids and even grandkids!   Who knew??  We sure didn't think about that back in the 60s and 70s!

My dad's brother was here and we said goodbye today.  Tomorrow I will say goodbye to my immediate family, and travel home.  I miss my Sadie intensely!  But fly home with my own children, and that's a sort of comfort.

Most of today was spent in recuperating mode.  It seemed as if we were all operating on auto pilot, doing what needs to be done, without anything extra.  Except for my son and nephew.  I refer to all of them as "the boys" and today they took down Mom's Christmas lights from the house, and then trimmed the tree in the backyard.  My Aunt commented:

"What you do for your Grandmother honors your Grandpa."  

Well said,  and well done, boys! 

Memorial Service

My Dad's memorial service was held

in the church we'd been members at

since we moved to Calif in 1963.

My parents have been part of the

choir for nearly as long.









Pastor Peggy gave an awesome

sermon about grieving, and

still having hope .....

and my Sister gave a short talk

on all the things she admired

about our dad, using the letters

in DAD and OLIVER as a guide.

It was awesome!


So many friends and family came to help

us celebrate Dad's life.... He left us with

many good sayings and lots of good advice.




I'm so blessed to have such a great family!

Love you Dad!

Bridges of Madison County

I've mentioned it before, and I'll say it again... this is one of my all time favorite movies!!  There's just something timeless about it.  It's the love story between two people... and people have been falling in love for generations before me, and will for many generations to come.

Once in every life, someone comes along, 

and you came to me, it was almost like a song.

That's the general premise of the movie:  The family of an Iowa farm wife goes out of town, and one day a stranger in a pickup comes asking for directions.  And there begins a love like neither of them have known.   Being the 1960s though, their involvement would have wagged a few tongues in town.

Even though in our current society, people who find a new love find a way to justify starting a new life, it just wasn't done in the time of the movie.  Women (and men) made choices and they stuck with them.  There was a different vibe to life, one of sacrifice for the greater good than for one's self.

That doesn't stop this woman from keeping these memories to herself, treasuring each moment in private thought when things get rough.   While this assumption isn't part of the movie, you get a sense of that if you understand the old fashioned values.  

What is it about this movie that draws me in?  I think its the beginning scenes where they sit in the kitchen and converse.  They share thoughts and ideas, things that are probably missing in her life.  You get a huge sense of their attraction as they talk.  Maybe the attraction is a kind of kinship -- that certain something that is a missing piece in each other.  

Someday I will be gone, and my kids may come across this blog.  For that reason I want them to know what I thought, why I liked certain things, what they mean to me.  I know I write abut this movie often, but that's because it moves me every time I see it.  Perhaps its because I've been alone for 10 years, and yearn for a friendship such like that one that builds in the movie.  Or maybe its because I understand Francesca living in a marriage that's comfortable, but doesn't stimulate.  The kind where routine takes over and substance takes a back seat. 

The one part in the movie that brings me a huge smile is when she invites him to stay for dinner.  He comes in the kitchen and says "Can I help?"  and she says "Help WHAT?"   You can tell from her tone that a man helping in the kitchen is a concept that hasn't happened in her life.  :)

The long looks, the soft lighting, the mellow jazzy tune in the background all add up to a wonderful movie that speaks to the heart.   I'd love for everyone to enjoy this movie as much as I do! 

Heart and Soul

Heart and soul, I fell in love with you Heart and soul......

"Heart and Soul" is a popular song, with music by Hoagy Carmichael and lyrics by Frank Loesser, published in 1938.   That's a long time ago!  And yet, the words and lyrics are still so very catchy, people everywhere recognize it in an instant.  It's the same with the song "Lover's Concerto".  Kids in the 50s thought it was done by The Toys, but the melody is taken from Bach's Minuet in G Major. 

I watched an episode of Frasier tonight where Frasier talks with Niles about his crush on Daphne, how he holds an image of her in his mind, which doesn't ring true to reality.  And I got to thinking.  Because I've done the same thing.

And I've done it more than once, probably, since we're prone to having the same kind of issues relationship to relationship.  This last one was a doozy and has taken me a long time to get out of my system.  Why?  Because I held him as an image in my mind, of something I wanted him to be and that caused me to miss the signals of who he really is.  And that true him isn't someone I could ever be with. 

But I still can't get past the part of him that made me feel good about myself.  Probably because of his inability to be free to do things, our relationship became about becoming friends.  I read somewhere that there are two types of love:  Romantic Love and Companionate Love. It's the second one I want, the second one that I need.  All that romance crap, that's for the young people in the world.  

I guess I wanted a best friend so much that I overlooked all the other signals in order to keep the parts that I wanted.  Shame on me.  But admission and recognition of these facts go a long way toward healing the things that are broken in me.   

Which will relate to the POF dating site I am on.  While I would still like to find that companion in my life... I'm not sure I'm willing to give up my life as it is in order to make room for someone who will bring baggage of their own to the mix.

It's a scary thing, these relationships. 
But the most important one, is the one we have with our self.  

Surfin'

"Said goodbye, turned around
And you were gone, gone, gone
Faded into the setting sun,
Slipped away
But I won’t cry
Cause I know I’ll never be lonely
For you are the stars to me,
You are the light I follow

I will see you again, whoa
This is not where it ends
I will carry you with me, oh
'Til I see you again."

We all have someone who's gone, someone we miss.  Carrie Underwood's song "See You Again" gives us a little hope -- the people we love may be gone from our current life, but we carry them in our hearts.  Always.

Last night, I had a dream that I was leaning how to surf.  My teacher? Was my stepson, Dougie.  I wasn't afraid; he was right there with me.  And though he's been gone from this earth for five years now, it doesn't matter -- he is always in my heart.  And every now and then... I see him in a dream, feel his presence in a moment.

I will see you again...
This is not where it ends.
I will carry you with me
Til I see you again.

Love you Dougie!
'Mom

Love

 

But if I had to spell it .... F A M I L Y !


Spending a little R&R with the family..... and lovin' it!

Precious and Few!

Precious and few

are the moments

we two can share!

My daughter, Tanya, was the first grandchild, and is the only granddaughter.  I know she holds a special place in the heart of her Grandpa! 
Just look at how they smile at each other.....
(1982)

 What children need most are the essentials 

that grandparents provide in abundance.  

They give unconditional love, kindness, 

patience, humor, comfort, lessons in life.  

And, most importantly, cookies.  

~Rudolph Giuliani